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Question
I recently moved into a partitioned office, and the lady next to me is constantly moaning, sighing, popping sunflower seeds and sucking bottled water. I'm afraid to say anything -- maybe I'm getting on her nerves too. What can I do?
-- Need Ear Plugs
Dear Plugs,
Workplaces have changed so much in recent years, it's time for a new book on office etiquette. But it's not up to you alone to silence your neighbor's bad habits. This is the kind of nonsense bosses are paid the big bucks to deal with. Tell your supervisor your new work space needs some serious re-engineering. Report your findings regarding Ms. Moan and Sigh, and ask your boss to stifle the noise pollution before the staff starts tossing unpleasant surprises over the ol' cubicle walls. (Have you had people problems in your office? Write me at advice@rd.com and let me know how you handled it. We may print your solution.)
Question
We have two lovely little girls, and would love to have a boy. We think we'd like to adopt -- but my husband is the only one in his family who can pass on the name. Could this put pressure on a boy? Would he ever doubt the validity of passing on a name, as the saying goes, that's "not in his blood"?
-- Worrier
Dear Worrier,
Ask your doctor -- names are not a component of blood. Names reside in history and hearts. Whether you adopt or give birth, the key to a name is proudly showing the talents and values your family stands for. The vital thing your son will need to know is that he belongs in your heritage. (As a mother of two adopted girls, I urge parents to talk openly about adoption -- to demystify it -- and to talk about their family's values as well.) As parents, you can make your family name a burden or not. My advice: don't. Free your son to do your name proud.
Question
My oldest friend didn't come to my daughter's wedding. He knew about it early, but scheduled a party of his own that day. I've cut off contact with him. Am I right to be angry?
-- Disrespected
Dear Dissed,
You have a right to be hurt. And he has a right to know it. But cutting contact with a friend because you're disappointed is immature and a recipe for loneliness. Give him a chance to explain and apologize. Then let it go.
Question
My son wants to drop out of college. He's my only child. I raised him myself after divorce. He always wanted to be a doctor, but found school stressful. A therapist and anxiety drugs got him through one year. Now he wants to give up and join his dad's construction company. It's hard to swallow -- I gave up my dream of med school to marry. How can I prevent him from making the same mistake?
-- Mistaken Mom
Dear Mistaken,
Wait a second, Mom. Did your son really want to be a doc, or is that your old dream? Sounds to me as if he's cutting some apron strings. No matter how many shrinks you send him to, you can't make him behave the way you wish you had. Lots of kids get through college without anti-anxiety drugs. The fact that your son couldn't is a red flag that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The most loving thing you can do for him now is get out of his way and encourage him to discover his own dream.
Question
I recently moved my mother into our house. She requires physical care and many trips to doctors. I'm a 49-year-old mother of seven who's now feeling "squeezed in the middle." My husband and kids help when they can, but I feel inadequate trying to meet all their needs. Any suggestions?
-- Sandwiched Mom
Dear Sandwich,
Sounds to me like you're being eaten for lunch. What you're doing is a job for someone with superhuman powers. Your family sounds loving, but sit them down and remind them you are a mere mortal and need their help. All of you have to work together on a plan. Hubby and kids have to pitch in too. Eventually you may have to face one of the hardest decisions a child has to make for a parent -- finding full-time care in a nursing home. If so, ask your husband and kids to join in visits and keep your mother involved and at the heart of your family.
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