Ask Laskas: Hefty Husband

You've got questions. She's got answers.

Questions about partners, parents, or politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at: advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
My husband can eat half a sheet cake by himself. He's gained 60 pounds in the last 8 years and is gobbling his way to 300 pounds. I no longer buy snacks for the kids because he eats them all and then complains about indigestion. When I suggest altering his eating habits, he shrugs and says he's not worried about his weight. Should I keep my mouth shut or keep trying to keep his mouth shut?
-- Married to Jabba the Hut

Dear Mrs. Jabba,
If you are looking forward to early widowhood, don't say another word. But if you want to grow old with the big lug, tell him that you are worried about his weight! He's got a health problem. Make an appointment with a doctor -- and drive him there yourself.

Question
I am 32, have two degrees -- one in cooking, one in business -- but I recently lost my job. My wife has a career and hasn't given me any emotional support. I'd like to start my own business, but she's against it and fears the worst. What should I do?
-- Entrepreneur

Dear Entrepreneur,
The business idea sounds like the least of your problems. What you are describing is an emotionally absent wife who isn't sharing your dream. The road you are headed down has "dead end" posted on it. Get some marriage counseling, and build a solid foundation at home before starting a venture as challenging as a new business.

Question
I have a little traffic problem. My in-laws never knock when they come to visit -- 10 a.m. or 10 p.m. They think my house is their house. How can I convince them to show common courtesy before barging into my home?
-- Revolving Door

Dear Revolving,
Buy a deadbolt and a doorbell.

Question
E-mail is the biggest detriment to communication I've seen in my lifetime. My kids never call. They e-mail jokes and trivia, but a real conversation is out of the question. I've told them my cell phone is on 24/7 -- to no avail. What can I do to make them understand the pleasures of the spoken word?
-- Spammed

Dear Spam,
I feel your pain. A few generations ago, people were cursing the telephone for destroying the fine art of letter writing -- now we're losing voice contact too. But there's no stopping time or technology. And many people say e-mail helps them keep in touch. If you want to show your kids the pleasures of the spoken word, why don't you call them. Instead of carping, phone them every few days to share an amusing anecdote, inquire about their lives, hobbies and passions, or simply to say "I love you!"

Question
I've always been shy. But now at 26 years old, I'm beginning to have more trouble interacting with others. In the office, I think people are talking about me. At the movies or in restaurants, if someone stares at me, I'm convinced he is angry with me or doesn't like me. If I say hello to people and they don't reply, I think they've got something against me. I can't control these thoughts, and they seem to be growing. What should I do?
-- Miserable

Dear Miserable,
Your problem sounds like more than shyness. Paralyzing fear about what other people are thinking about you may be a sign of a serious mental disorder -- for which there is help. Find a therapist immediately. There are medications and programs to relieve your phobias.

Question
I met this great guy, but there is one problem: I am neat and organized. He leaves the kitchen a mess. When he changes clothes, he drops them on the floor. We've talked about moving in together, but I don't want us to get on each other's nerves. I've tried to broach the subject with him, but he's sensitive to criticism. I don't want to nag, but I also don't want to be his maid. Any suggestions?
-- Neatnik

Dear Neatnik,
You're neat; he's a slob. This setup has made for many happy unions. (I know because I'm a slob married to a neatnik.) Why do opposites attract? Emotional magnetism? Revenge of the gods? Who knows! One thing I've discovered over the years: Slobs and neatniks only get more so. So, ask yourself: Is this man worth reaching down and picking up for? If he is, stop thinking of yourself as his maid and look at it as a way of loving. If he isn't worth it, sweep him out and keep scouring the city for Mr. Clean.

From Reader's Digest - November 2004

 

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