Ask Laskas: Wedding Party Etiquette

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By Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

Got a question? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@readersdigest.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
Two of my coworkers are getting married just weeks apart. This is the first wedding for one and the third for the other. My officemates and I want to throw a work shower for the first-timer, but somehow it doesn't seem appropriate for our other friend. How do we tactfully explain this to the third-timer, or is it obvious that there shouldn't be one?
--Wedding Blitzed

Dear Blitzed,

Are you kidding me? The fact that you're even considering shaming this so-called friend by not celebrating her new partnership suggests you and your coworkers need to take a long, hard look at the meaning of the word friend. Either throw a joint shower for both brides or forget the office celebration altogether. Both women are embarking on a marital voyage, and both are worthy of good wishes.

Question
I don't know about you, but I for one can do without my waiter taking a look at my plate after I've finished eating and proclaiming for the entire restaurant to hear, "Wow, you must have really been hungry!" or, "Boy, you put that away fast!" Why don't they just shout "Oink, oink!" and get the humiliation over with? Can you suggest a polite but to-the-point comeback?
--Former Tipper

Dear Tipper,

Bad manners are snuffed out by good manners, so let's try something different, like taking the high road. Next time a server reviews your healthy appetite, try saying "My compliments to the chef!" Then ask to see the dessert menu. Remember, you're there to eat, so eat!

Question
When my wife of 40 years told me she'd had an affair 25 years ago, I was devastated. So we went to counseling, where I learned she'd also deceived me about her sex life before we were married. When it became apparent she couldn't tell me everything that'd happened during that period, I went into a depression. It's time to pull my life back together, but how?
--Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

Your wife fessed up to a 25-year-old affair, and she fessed up to her sex life before she married you. She is doing all this for a reason-presumably for some needed forgiveness-and you're asking for more fessing up. Know what that tells me? You two aren't finished with the counseling.

Question
I have a problem with PDA-public display of affection. My problem is, I don't get any. I would love to hold hands with my husband or kiss him out in the open for all to see. But he's not wired that way. Even at our wedding, we barely touched. I have raised the subject, but he ignores me. What do I do?
--PDA, Please

Dear PDA,

You barely touched at the wedding and now he ignores you? Sweetheart, you'd best check whether affection is a mutual part of your marriage, public or private. While you're at it, ask yourself this: Why do I need the world to witness my husband's affection?

Question
When my mother borrowed $500 from me, she swore she would pay it back. But that was months ago, and I still haven't seen a dime. And when I press her, she gets defensive. How do I get my money?
--No Skinflint

Dear Skin,

Rule No. 1 about money and relatives: Never lend more than you can afford to lose. People tend to repay strangers (who threaten penalties) before they do loved ones (who are supposed to offer forgiveness). As for your mom, use all the kid charm you once used to get an extra cookie-make your eyes big and needy and childlike. If she still doesn't show you the money, just move on.

Life's Little Etiquette Conundrums

You're eating out with acquaintances. Most order just a single drink, but one guy orders one expensive bottle of wine after another, most of which he consumes. Since you're splitting the bill, everyone has to chip in extra for his booze. Do you ask him to cough up more money or let it slide?

Someone has to point out to the wino that he is spiking the bill. Use humor. When the check comes, say "Holy mortgage foreclosure! How did this bill get so high?" Then turn your gaze to him and say "Dude, are you gonna pitch in more so the rest of us can afford to send our kids to college?" If he doesn't take the (loud) hint, let it go, pay the bill, and next time put the bar tab on a separate check.

From Reader's Digest - January 2009

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