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Question
Every holiday a woman I know "hits" local charities for extra gifts for her kid. She and her husband have plenty of money and the boy has every toy imaginable. She says, "They are just giving them away anyway." She also takes clothes and food baskets that some people really need. What should I say or do?
-- A Giver Not a Taker
Dear Giver,
Don't bother trying to educate a vulture. If she can't see how hideous her behavior is, she's too far gone. So just stop her. Report her to the charities involved. On behalf of those who truly need a helping hand, thank you.
Question
My kids are out of the house, but I let my neighbors' kids play basketball in my driveway. Now I have all the teens in town leaving their bikes in the street and on my lawn and using foul language with every lay-up. I don't want to be a grouch. My neighbors are good. But how can I curtail this activity?
-- Recreation Supervisor
Dear Rec,
First post the rules -- if they don't respect them, take down the hoop.
Question
Three years ago my daughter, now 20, began an affair with a married man twice her age. A year ago he left his wife and child and my daughter moved in with him. My wife and I strongly disapprove. We live in a small town and everyone knows this guy's a cheater. My daughter won't believe it. She wants me to welcome him into the family and invite him for holidays. I can't, and my relationship with her is slowly going silent. What can I do?
-- Disappointed Dad
Dear Disappointed,
Decide which is more important to you: having your daughter (faults, foibles and all) in your life, or having the approval of town gossips. One of the hardest things about parenting adult children is watching them make dumb mistakes. This may be one, or it may be your daughter's path to happiness. Nothing you say is going to speed up that journey. What she needs is for you to stick by her on the way.
Question
A friend of mine consistently falls in love with gay men. When a friendship develops but doesn't go beyond a certain point, she is surprised and angry and lashes out. Any advice I can give her?
-- Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
It's true that there are a lot of fish in the sea, and some of them wear signs that say "Unavailable!" Clearly, your friend is not reading the signs. She is mistaking offerings of friendship for love. Perhaps she's picking these guys because they're safe. Maybe she's afraid of a real romance. Point out the pattern to her. Tell her to get a therapist who can show her how to understand herself and others better.
Question
It happens every time. What can I say to the guy in front of me with 29 items in the express checkout? Or the woman who says, "Hold my place," and runs off to try to find fusilli pasta or something in the back of the store while the rest of us wait in line? It burns me up.
-- Lost My Patience
Dear Lost,
It burns me up too! But I usually burn in silence. The only good shot I ever got off against an express-line violator was totally by accident. My four-year-old was with me in the store, sitting in the shopping cart. She was just learning her numbers and started counting -- loudly -- the number of items rolling on the belt, ending with, "Twenty-five! That's too many!" The shopper turned beet red and scooted out. I'd love to hear if readers have some of their own zingers that have worked on checkout hogs.
Question
I've been chubby, not fat, all my life. I'm a vegetarian, fairly active. But now, at 27, my mom is always on my case. She says she keeps after me because she loves me. I'm happy and healthy. What gives?
-- Pleasingly Plump
Dear Pleasing,
You have a better body image than your mother does. Hang on to it. Tell Mom her nagging is the kind of nonsense that sends girls over the edge to eating disorders. Tell her you love her and she's done a Mr. Rogers-like good job of raising you, because you like yourself just the way you are. She needs to tune into him again.
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