Ask Laskas: Between Brother and Sister

Learn how to handle difficult matters between close friends.

By Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

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Feeling grumpy? Got a problem? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at: advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I was in a bad marriage for ten years. My best friend was with me the whole way. When the marriage ended, I began to date her brother. And the friendship screeched to a halt. She said she wanted more for her brother than a ready-made family. (I have a son, age five.) I love both brother and sister. What can I do?
-- Caught Between

Dear Caught,
Some people can be friends only with the miserable. Heroic when times are bad, but when good times start to roll, they lose interest and move on. Or even do hideous things like saying you're "not good enough for my brother"! A person who needs to feel superior to a friend is not a friend -- and you don't need her approval to love her brother.

Question
My wife and I have been trying to have a child for almost three years. After countless IVF doctors, ovulation kits and more, we're out of money. I've accepted that we might not have kids. My wife won't. She gets upset when friends become pregnant and is obsessed with all things "baby." Now, her denial is affecting our intimate relations. What can I do?
-- Hopeful Husband

Dear Hopeful,
Your wife is in despair, not denial. She's aching to be a mother -- and that's a real ache. Counseling is a good step. And also consider adoption. Meet people who, like my husband and me, have built their families in this way. There are tens of thousands of children in the world who need moms as badly as your wife needs to be a mom. I can assure you that the instant you and your wife hold your baby, the importance of the manner in which the child was delivered will dissolve in tears of joy.

Question
I checked myself out on a site about personality disorders. I'm an "avoidant personality." I duck out of social situations for fear of humiliation, and appear unfriendly or shy to others. I create fantasy worlds to escape to. Any suggestions about how to win friends and encounter people?
-- Too Timid

Dear Timid,
Holding up a mirror is the first step toward change, but there comes a time to put it down. You may be so preoccupied with yourself that you have little room in your world for others. Join a volunteer organization that helps people in need, get out and do for someone else, and watch your world become so enriched you'll forget about the mirror.

Question
An etiquette question: Should a person polish her toenails in the office? Our office is very public. Don't you think this sort of thing should be done at home?
-- Ms. Prim

Dear Ms. Prim,
I do. I believe all forms of personal hygiene and grooming should be performed in private. Not in cubicles, on public transportation or on reality TV. Benighted millions, however, seem to disagree with us.

Question
My beloved wife is a nonstop talker. I call her ramblings the 3-Ds because she goes on and on about her Darlin's (grandchildren), her D--- job, and her Drugs (all legal prescriptions). She thinks aloud all the time. I ignore her, but every half-hour or so she wants me to respond, and when I can't, she hits me with the classic "You never listen to me." How can I get her to hush for five minutes?
-- Strong Silent Type

Dear Silent,
Try the truth. People over-endowed with the gift of gab are usually unaware of how painfully annoying they have become to others. Chances are, she's pushing away her friends and those darlin' grandkids too. As the spouse, you are in the unique and dutiful position to help. Do her a favor. Say, "Honey, you just talk too much." Say, "Honey, you need to dial back the blabbing." Say, "Honey, I love you, and that's why I'm telling you this."

Question of the Month
We live in a rural area where folks burn trash in their yards. Not just leaves -- tires, plastics, fabrics. Our kids have had bad reactions to the fumes. I'm very worried about my four-year-old, but I'm also worried about the social repercussions of confronting neighbors about this. Any ideas?
-- Toxic Avenger

Dear Avenger,
If your children's health is in danger, it's not an etiquette issue. Burning trash is illegal in many states because it spews dioxins into the air. Be bold. Talk to your neighbors. Toxins stink, but your approach doesn't have to. Most people will respond with feeling for kids, and find another means of disposal.