Scared to Tie the Knot

You've got questions. She's got answers.

By Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

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Questions about partners, parents, or politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at: advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents have been married 40 years. But I'm terrified of tying the knot. I've been engaged three times and backed out. Even movie weddings make me ill. Now my boyfriend of six years has proposed. I want to run. What is wrong with me?
-- Weird Woman

Dear Weird,
You aren't. People say fear of commitment is a guy thing, but plenty of women suffer from it too. Ironically, happily married parents can be a stumbling block because you imagine they set an impossibly high standard. If, for example, you see Daddy as the perfect husband, how can any man ever measure up? You need professional help to untangle this. Get it now. A life of breaking hearts and backing away is a life of loneliness.

Question
I've been close to an elderly aunt for years; the rest of the family dislikes her. Recently, she gave me power of attorney and made me her sole heir. She's not even in the ground, but everyone is saying her money is "family money." I want to give them something to help their kids, but I think it's unfair that I am being made to feel greedy when they haven't lifted a finger to help her in decades.
-- Heir in Error?

Dear Heir,
Your aunt decided her money should go to you. When she dies, it will be your turn to decide what to do with your money. You're like the Little Red Hen: No one's around when the work needs to be done, but everyone shows up when the bread is ready. Do what you feel is right.

Question
I have a beautiful teenage daughter who puts on enough makeup to be a clown. I tell her to go easy on the eye shadow, eyeliner, bronzers, blushes and black lip pencils. She just gets mad or bursts into tears. How can I make her understand she's beautiful the way she is and to tone down the paint?
-- Plain Mom

Dear Plain,
You can't. Your daughter is at the age when she's trying to establish her identity, trying on new masks. And if her friends all dress and doll up as she does, you're in for an extra hard time. Support her and tell her she's beautiful -- no matter how ridiculous she looks for now. Then invite her to join you for a day at a spa. Encourage her to try various looks until she's comfortable in her own skin.

Question
I work in a floral shop. Everyone there is like family -- except an overly friendly older woman. She has a thing for touching people and slapping rear ends. She once worked in day care, so maybe she's used to handling kids in this manner, but it drives us all crazy and actually makes me uncomfortable. How can I tell her to butt out?
-- A Hands-Off Guy

Dear Hands-Off,
This is really your boss's problem, since one of his or her employees is creating a work environment that's creeping everyone out. Speak to your boss and insist that Ms. Touchy Feely has to be, er, handled.

Question
Now that I am starting to show a few wrinkles, service people, store clerks and mail carriers have started calling me dear, honey or sweetheart. I find it patronizing, demeaning and offensive. How should I respond to people who are so familiar and rude without being offensive myself?
-- Irritated

Dear Irritated,
Life is so full of real, harsh, demeaning situations and offensive people. Do you really think this is worth worrying about? People who address others in these ways often mean it cordially. It may be overly familiar, but it has nothing to do with you, or your wrinkles. Let it go. Treat yourself to a new jar of face cream, and feel better about yourself.

Question of the Month
I've never been much at sports, but I joined the basketball team at school. The guys were supportive until a new kid came to school and joined. He's good, but he laughs at me and tells others I suck. How can I deal with him or the other guys?
-- Not the MVP

Dear MVP,
I assume you're shooting hoops because you enjoy the game and want to learn how to get better. Athletic ability is not as set as you might think: Michael Jordan didn't make it as a starter on his high school team at first. Go to practice, do your best, and get tough enough to slough off the nasty remarks of others. Learning this now will help you long into adulthood.