Ask Laskas: Friends Are Moochers

You've got questions. She's got answers.

By Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

Change Text Size

Change Text Size
|
Bookmark

Bookmark

Del.icio.us
Digg
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
|
Print
|
E-Mail

Related Topics:

Questions about partners, parents, or politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at: advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I have a couple of friends who are moochers. When we go out for dinner, I end up with more than my fair share of the bill and the entire tip as well. Recently we all went on a weekend trip and they never once opened their wallets for a meal. I don't want to break up two friendships, but what should I do?
-- Going Broke

Dear Broke,
Sometimes it comes to this: Bring a calculator on your next outing. When the bill comes, brazenly do the math. Put in your share, and politely retreat to the bathroom. If the rest of the tab hasn't materialized by the time you return, grab your coat and go. You will have found out if these friendships are worth the investment.

Question
I'm a single black woman. I've worked hard to put my two kids in private school. My daughter's best friend is a white girl. At first her mother was friendly and had us to dinner, but not long ago my son, 12, was paired with the daughter for a class project. This mother complained. I don't want to make a fuss at school. How should I deal with her?
-- Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned,
Call or pay her a visit. Ask her directly why she has a problem with your son. Ask which lesson she would prefer her daughter to learn in school: prejudice or tolerance. And if you don't get a satisfactory answer, you can cut the connection. A single mom's life is too demanding to add "dealing with fools" to your to-do list. But if the classroom situation is hurtful to your children, do inform the school authorities.

Question
I called a customer-service center the other day and I got the line "I feel your pain!" No, they didn't. I wanted service, not sympathy. Where did this absurd phrase come from? Gen X or Y sluffing off false sympathy?
-- Show Me the Service

Dear Show Me,
"I feel ..." Excuse me. Empathy is such a worthy emotion it has unfortunately been commercialized. But people aren't fooled by false sympathy. "I feel your pain" is a sentiment that should only be expressed by friends (or by highly qualified professionals such as advice columnists).

Question
I am going through a divorce, and my husband and I share custody of our three-year-old daughter. So we're making an effort to keep it friendly. My husband wants me to keep his photos in the house. I am not sure what the proper etiquette is. I really don't want pictures of him and his family all over the place. Should I box them up and give them to my child when she grows up?
-- Snapshot

Dear Snap,
Just because he's going to stop being your husband doesn't mean he gets to start being your decorator. The complicated truth is that your daughter will grow up in two houses: her mom's and her dad's. Let him adorn his house the way he wants, and go ahead and use whatever pictures you choose at yours.

Question
I am due to deliver in a few days and just told my in-laws I'd like to spend the first two weeks at home alone with my baby and husband so we can bond. My mother-in-law was very upset and told my husband I've taken all the joy out of grandparenting. Now he's angry. What's right?
-- Wanna Be Alone

Dear Wanna,
A new baby in the family means it's time for everyone to grow up. Your job is not to create a joyful grandparenting experience, but rather to find your way onto the emotional roller coaster called "raising children." And initially your hormones may take you for a ride. So realize you might need your in-laws' help. Ask them to indulge your decision, but stand by in the likely event you'll need a break. And for your child's sake, let them bond too.

Question of the Month
After a pretty torrid engagement and three years of a great marriage, my wife has changed and is using all the clichés like: "Not tonight," "I've got a headache," "It's my time," "The kids will hear us," etc. What can be done and why do women think they set the agenda for relations?
-- Troubled Husband

Dear Troubled,
Having a spouse push you away is tough -- especially for men who may equate sex with intimacy. Women, however, sometimes want chocolates and champagne. So drop the "agenda" idea and try sweets and bubbly. And if that fails, find a good counselor.