Beloved Ghost Haunts a Marriage

You've got questions. She's got answers.

By Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

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Questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@rd.com Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I'm one of six assistants in a dental office. But I'm the newbie -- there just four months. I've tried to blend in and join conversations without intruding, but the old gang ignores me. They go shopping together and out in the evenings. No one invites me. I think I'm a pleasant enough person. How can I break into the charmed circle?
-- Lonely

Dear Lonely,
Humans run in packs like dogs. When a new dog enters the pack, a lot of sniffing out goes on. So bring cookies for everyone! Then try making friends with one co-worker. Invite her to lunch. If you hit it off, tell her how hard you're finding the situation at work. Chances are, she'll take you under her wing, er, paw.

Question
I love my parents, but they sometimes tell raunchy jokes and take the Lord's name in vain. I've become more religious over time and don't like that kind of language around my children. I don't want to be disrespectful or embarrass them, but how can I get them to hold their tongues?
-- Red Ears

Dear Red,
It's not disrespectful to assert your responsibility as a parent. But get your folks on your side. Say you want the kids to have good manners and proper speech. Tell them honestly what you believe. They're your kids -- you set the rules.

Question
I'm the stepmother of two kids. The oldest, age 11, has a habit of lying. When we married, her father and I agreed he would take charge of punishment. The problem is, he doesn't. All he does is tell her he's disappointed in her -- there are never any consequences. And she continues to lie and deceive. She's basically a good kid, but what can I do to make sure she doesn't turn out to be a good liar?
-- A Wicked Stepmother?

Dear Unwicked,
You have to amend that agreement with your husband. Punishment comes at the end of the line. Setting limits, creating expectations and teaching good conduct come first. You and your husband must play roles in that process. You're not just dating this guy, you're his wife and her stepmother. That means real mothering. Tell your stepdaughter trust is the foundation of a family. Lying is unacceptable. Sit down as a family and agree on rules for behavior -- and punishment -- if she lies again. Do this because you love her and him.