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Question
My oldest brother is a brainy high school athlete. But after he broke up with his girlfriend, he quit the team, got tattoos, started hanging with a different crowd. His grades dropped. He hardly talks to me and fights with my other brother. Dad's divorced and travels a lot. What can a 13-year-old do?
-- Little Sister
Dear Little Sister,
Good for you for caring about your big brother. For sure, he's in trouble. What you are describing is a spiral of self-destructive behavior. Sit your dad down. Say, "How is it that you are not seeing this?" Next tell your mom, clergy or a trusted counselor. Your brother needs a caring adult who can throw him a life preserver. Sound the alarm, but don't feel responsible for him.
Question
I married a man who is challenged by employment. He has lots of great ideas for businesses, but none ever work out. Recently, he took a part-time job at a golf course and gets to play for free (which he does regularly rather than looking for a permanent job or keeping up the house). I work long hours and attend college. I'm not the nagging type. I love him, but bills have to be paid and we're at the end of our financial rope. Any ideas?
-- Wit's End
Dear Wit's End,
Mounting bills coupled with a partner who doesn't pull his weight can have a corrosive effect on a marriage. A boat with only one oar goes nowhere. Your love for this man will be no match for the hurt, resentment, embarrassment, and eventual downright hostility that will overtake your relationship unless your husband mends his ways at once. Sit him down -- now! -- and tell him this boat is going to sink unless he picks up an oar.
Question
There are times when I have feelings of intense fear. My body clenches up; I have to struggle not to scream. Sometimes it's so bad I can't stand or walk. I think the ground is collapsing or dissolving beneath me. What's wrong and how can I fix it?
-- Just Plain Scared
Dear Scared,
What you describe is symptomatic of a serious condition. We've all had moments of panic, and I feel for you. But if these episodes are frequent, you need and deserve professional attention. Panic disorders can be effectively treated with therapy and medication. Don't suffer a minute longer. Get a referral from your family doctor, clergy member or your health insurance company, and get some relief.
Question
Because we live in Florida, we entertain lots of guests. We love our friends and family, but feeding and housing people strains our modest budget. People usually bring a gift, but we would like to ask them to contribute, say, toward utilities. How can we do this without offending anyone?
-- Puzzled in Paradise
Dear Puzzled,
Level with your visitors. Send around an e-mail to everyone before the "vacation season" starts so no one feels singled out. It's all in the presentation. Just work in a good dose of schmaltz: "This year, instead of those lovely presents, we're asking friends and family to contribute to the added expenses that extra people inevitably incur. We don't want to leave you guessing so here's what we think is fair: XX per day. We'll miss the wonderful gifts but, frankly, we could use a little help with our excessive good fortune of having so many people to love!"
Question
My co-worker constantly abuses the phone. She calls her mom, dad, day care, in-laws. One day I was with a vendor; she was talking to her husband. A sales call came in, and I asked her to handle it. She gave me a look and took her time getting to it. Later, she accused me of being rude. I bust my butt at work, rarely take an hour lunch or my breaks. But this person takes advantage. My boss won't write her up. What am I to do?
-- Can't Stand It
Dear Can't,
If your boss gives performance reviews, you will have another opportunity to speak with him about this employee who isn't pulling her weight. But even if your boss dismisses your concerns, don't give Ms. Blabbermouth power over your emotions. Her conduct is out of line, but her lousy behavior shouldn't determine how you feel. You can't control how others behave or how your boss does his job. What you can do is this: Lower this woman's impact on you. Pretend you've lost your hearing when she's around and get busy with something else.
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