Underperforming Colleague Wants a Reference

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Keeping the Peace

Questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@rd.com Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
A colleague gave my name as a reference for a promotion without my permission. My concern is he has a poor work ethic. He's chronically late and shirks his duties. Part of me wants to write a glowing report in hopes he'll get transferred; the evil side wants to torpedo him. What should I do?
-- Giving in to the evil twin

Dear Twin,
Just be honest. But hold the torpedoes. Bitter reports sound spiteful. On the other hand, don't play with fire by offering a sparkling report -- that, too, could come back to burn you. If asked, and it's in-house and confidential, tell it as you see it, backed up by facts.

Question
I have lots of friends, and none of them like each other. I introduced a new friend "Bev" to my old friend "Janet" recently. They did not hit it off. Now each talks bad about the other to me. How am I supposed to deal with this?
-- Diplomat

Dear Dip,
Ever since the invention of the playground, old friends have been jealous of new friends and vice versa. This is the price of popularity. Each wants to lay claim to you. To keep the peace, refuse to listen to bad-mouthing. Say, "She's my friend and you can't talk about her that way!" And don't allow anyone into your circle who doesn't measure up to your high standards of friendship.

Question
I'm a 53-year-old divorced man, living in a small city in Wisconsin. I met a 21-year-old woman at a club a few weeks ago, and we chatted. Then by chance we met again and I invited her out to lunch. We had a fantastic time talking. She says she would like to go out with me. I'm a little reluctant because of the age difference. Celebrities can do it, but in real life do these May-December things work out?
-- Father Time

Dear Ol' Dad,
Whoa! Slow down. We're talking about a second date here, not a lifetime commitment. If you two enjoy each other, go out, see what develops. The age difference may or may not be a stumbling block -- you won't know until you've walked that path. Meantime, look anywhere except the world of celebrity for guidance about real and lasting romance.

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