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Question
How do I teach an old husband a new trick? I always have his dinner on the table. He eats, gets up and goes -- never puts a plate in the dishwasher. Cups and snack forks are left where they lie. It has bugged me for years. Nagging has no effect. What will?
-- Slow Burn
Dear Slow,
You've cast yourself in the role of exploited servant. Merely reprogramming hubby to stick a fork in the dishwasher is not going to fix your sense of self. A husband is not a dog to be fed or trained; you are not an animal trainer. But start with something like this: Night 1 -- Take him out to dinner; mention how nice it is when someone else washes the dishes. Night 2 -- Say, "I'm not feeling well. Would you mind cleaning up?" Night 3 -- Prepare a moonlight snack in the backyard (using paper plates). Tell him what makes you happy. Ask what makes him happy. Wash away the years. Get to know each other again.
Question
My daughter taught our grandchild to call me and my second wife "Grandpa and Mary." If she acts like a grandmother and loves like a grandmother, doesn't she deserve to be called Grandmother?
-- Confused
Dear Confused,
Nana, Granny, Grams -- Pick a title that denotes your wife's special role, and ask everyone to agree that it's hers alone.
Question
Why does my daughter, age 13, go to her friends and their mothers with a problem instead of me?
-- Wanna Understand My Teen
Dear Wanna,
Because she is 13. Her world is getting bigger; she's navigating her way through a maze of potential authority figures. You, as the parent -- the one who has shaped her talents and values and given her limits -- have the disadvantage of being one of the issues she needs to talk about. It's normal. At 13, most kids feel compelled to whine about boundaries. My advice to you is get to know her friends and their moms and stay involved in her activities -- but if you want companionship and affection during the turbulent teen years, I highly recommend poodles!
Question
My husband likes a drink now and then -- occasionally out with friends, more often at home. He considers it a reward for a job well done or a well-deserved break after a hectic day at work. Sometimes he can drink an entire bottle. And since we got married ten years ago, we both have gained a lot of weight. I know my extra inches bother him, and he could lose a few pounds too. We promise each other we're going to the gym, but every night we find ourselves glued to the tube -- him with a bottle. How can I give him a soft nudge to change?
-- Touchy Topic
Dear Touchy,
If hubby is downing a bottle of booze, even occasionally, in a single evening, I don't think the ol' soft touch is going to work. You two are slowly, passively helping each other sink into serious health problems. It's time for one of you to grab a life preserver and commit to change. (It sounds like you'll have to be the one!) Here's what I'd recommend for starters: As he reaches for the TV remote this evening, take your husband's hand and lead him outside for a walk. Once your hearts are beating, turn to him and say: "Honey, let's face it. You're a drunk. And I'm fat. We have to do something now. I want to change. Please help me and I will help you."
Question
We recently received custody of our 15-year-old nephew. My daughter is also 15, but she acts ten years older -- my nephew just the opposite. Because of this, she has privileges he doesn't have. I'm afraid he sees this as favoritism. How can I adjust their responsibilities and rewards without looking like I favor my daughter?
-- Troubled
Dear Troubled,
Don't even dignify the notion you are playing favorites. Make sure both kids know the house rules: Responsible behavior earns privileges and liberties. Drill sergeant is the toughest role a parent has to play, but you must do it. And be sure you enforce the rules you set. Then teach your nephew that dependability is rewarded. Find tasks he can complete to earn something he wants. You're the sergeant. Give praise, hand out medals, boost his rank.
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