Ask Laskas: Ungifted Friend

Discover the meaning of value in a friendship.

Questions about partners, parents, or politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at: advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I have a friend who accepts my gifts, but never gives one to me -- even for my birthday or Christmas. Initially I thought my friend was too busy or had different customs. Now, I think I'm just not valued.
-- Feeling Worthless

Dear FW,
If it bugs you not to get stuff in return, then stop giving this person presents. Plenty of people agree to friendships that exclude obligatory gift-giving. But if you are truly feeling not valued as a friend, then why do you value this friendship?

Question
I have been married for eight years, and now the TV gets "turned on" more than I do. My husband works 40 hours a week, and he watches the tube for 50 hours. We can't make plans until he knows the TV schedule for the week. It is driving me crazy. I go for coffee in the morning -- he grabs the remote. What kind of example is that for our six-year-old daughter?
-- Living in a Sitcom

Dear Sitcom,
Well, it looks like the honeymoon is over. It might help you to remember what it was about the big lug that initially attracted you and to rethink what it was about you that originally caught his attention. Sounds like your marriage could use a big transfusion of renewed interest in each other. Start by telling him you resent the affair he's having with the TV. Then dig the bikes out of the basement, or the skis or golf clubs or Bingo cards or whatever it was the two of you used to enjoy doing together, and go on a date. Be romantic models for your daughter.

Question
I work from home, and I love my job and schedule, but the trade-off is that I put in long hours seven days a week. Unfortunately, I can't get friends and family to understand that just because I'm "at home" doesn't mean I'm unoccupied. No matter how many times I explain I am not free to go out to lunch or invite them over for coffee, they get offended. Any suggestions?
-- Losing Friends

Dear Losing,
Stop explaining and looking for permission from people to do the work you love. Imagine you're a surgeon or a disaster relief worker. Do you think they worry if they should stop to pick up a quart of milk for a neighbor on their way to answer a call? Of course not. And neither should you. Next time someone drops by for coffee or asks you to make a pot roast while you're working, look at them with incomprehension. Then go back to work. Your real friends will get it soon enough. One practical tip: If you don't already have one, get a business phone and don't take personal calls until a preset hour.

Question
After living together for 11 years, we recently got married and invited only a couple of people as witnesses. To our surprise, family and friends were hurt and angry that we didn't have a "normal" wedding, especially one sister for whom I was maid of honor 20 years ago. What can I say to explain my case without apologizing for getting married the way we wanted to?
-- Closet Newlywed

Dear Closet,
I know you think marriage is a personal declaration of love and commitment between two people. And it is! But it's more than that. It's an act that joins two families by creating a new, extended one. By not including loved ones, you've inadvertently made them feel excluded. Go throw a party -- a quiet one, if that's your style -- and give these folks a chance to say, "Cheers!"

Question
I have a 5-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. They're close, but fight a lot. No sooner do I separate them than they're at it again. My husband and I spank, but I use it as a last resort. My husband works two jobs so I can stay home with the kids, but I'm pulling my hair out. Any suggestions?
-- Nearly Bald

Dear Nearly,
First, stop spanking. All spanking teaches is that violence is an acceptable way of solving problems in your home -- and if you open that door, eventually you'll be wearing riot gear! A parent who spanks is a parent who has run out of ideas. You and your husband sound exhausted. And it's very hard to come up with creative alternatives when you are out of gas. You need help -- a family member, a trusted friend or an outside activity (something athletic to channel their energy?) to give you and your kids a break.

From Reader's Digest - February 2004

 

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