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Q. You've been invited to a wedding. You don't know the newlyweds well and decide not to attend. Do you still have to send a gift?
A. Well, you don't have to do anything. But look at the big picture. Even if you don't know the newlyweds very well, they thought enough of you to invite you to witness their big day. Would it hurt you to send something—a modest gift or a card—to acknowledge it? Of course not. Would it possibly make the newlyweds just a tiny bit happier? Of course. So just do it. When in doubt, share the love.
Q. My 86-year-old mother wants to take us out for dinner to celebrate my birthday, so she's chosen a restaurant that she likes and can afford. My husband thinks she's way out of line. He says I should choose the restaurant, since it's my birthday. I look at it as a gift. Who's right?
--Present Tense
A. In a word: you. Tell your husband to hook himself up to the dolt-o-meter and watch the needle bounce. Your mom is giving a gift. Receive it, give thanks, and have a good time. Q. I'm 19 years old and madly in love with an amazing, smart, funny, and beautiful girl. But recently I went through her phone and found a text message from an old flame sent at 2:30 in the morning. Should I confront her about it, or will she think I'm a snoop?
--Confused in College
A. You are a snoop! Perhaps you could confront yourself and learn to trust this amazing, smart, funny, and beautiful girl. If, on the other hand, you have a reason not to trust her, find another way of dealing with it besides going through her stuff.
Q. Nine years ago, I had surgery on my nose. The nose is fine, but my upper lip is now very stiff. My husband and kids are fine with it, but my mother and brother can barely look at me. Worse, they've mocked me to my face and behind my back. In light of this, I've decided to no longer attend family functions. My brood doesn't mind, but am I too hasty in pushing my mom and brother away?
--Hurt
A. You have every right to run—your mother and brother have been cruel. Be clear: They have pushed you away. Make sure they know why you're avoiding their company.
Q. Please give me the attitude adjustment I need. My husband has a ton of goals and dreams, and I give him the time he needs to make them a reality. The only trouble is, he doesn't reciprocate. If I'm ever invited out by friends and ask him to watch the kids, he throws a fit. I try to respond coherently, but I freeze. What do I say, and how do I say it?
--A Frightened Fighter
A. Pay attention to the fact that your husband throws fits that make you freeze. Realize this is not normal, not good, not healthy. Stand up for yourself and remind him that marriage is a partnership and right now you're doing all the work. Tell him you would like to renegotiate duties. If he throws a fit and you feel afraid, call the marriage counselor immediately.
Q. My nine-year-old grandson still takes showers with his dad. They live with my daughter, in Sweden. It may be fine over there, but not here in America! How do I say nicely that America is a moral country, and we do not condone people taking showers together over here!
--Wet Granny
A. Well, I'd prefer that a nine-year-old shower alone as well, but it's up to his parents to make these decisions—not his grandmother or an advice columnist. As long as there are no other suspicions, it might be best to remember that Sweden is also a moral country, and unusual customs are not necessarily wicked.
Q. At my last family dinner, I asked everyone to bring a dish and arrive by 5:30 so we could eat at 6. My sister-in-law arrived at 6, with an appetizer that had to be baked for an hour! We were famished, and the rest of the dinner was over-done. How should I have handled this?
--Starved in Minnesota
A. Don't enable the clueless! Your sister-in-law was late and showed up with something that wasn't cooked, a dish that could only be served later. Next time, either accept it as a gift and stow it in your refrigerator for the next night, or let it bake while you eat dinner and serve it with dessert.
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