Countdown to Preschool (page 5 of 5)

The Big Day

The Big Day
Don't rush. The best way to ensure a good school day is to get up early enough that you don't have to run out the door. This is a big day for both of you, and emotions are likely to be mixed and intense. Besides, there's a good chance your child will have a last-minute change of mind -- about what she wants to eat, or wear, or do -- so you need to leave room for that margin of error. If you work outside your home, you may want to arrange to come in late for a few days until your child feels comfortable about going to school. "With children this young, it's really important to do whatever you can to make the transition to preschool feel safe and positive," says Fine. "Without a successful separation, it's difficult to build a child's independence and readiness to learn."

On the way to school, try to keep the atmosphere pleasant and fun. "Talk and sing together, and casually discuss what you will do after you are reunited," advises Willer. "Or start a ritual that will ease the transition from home to school." For example, play a special guessing game ("I'm thinking of something orange you drank for breakfast. Can you guess what it is?") or greet familiar landmarks together ("Good morning, Mr. Mailbox"; "Good morning, Mrs. Puppy").

Stick around. If you're lucky, when you get to school your child will be so intrigued by a toy, a classmate or an activity in the classroom that he'll slip his hand out of yours and head straight in. But don't be disappointed if he doesn't. "Children react in very different ways to the start of preschool," says Rafoth. "I've seen everything from hesitant smiles to full-blown tantrums. But I've also seen some of the worst first-day tantrum throwers become star pupils. Don't think it means you're doing the wrong thing or that your child shouldn't be in preschool."

Concentrate, instead, on keeping your own cool. If necessary, ask for help. Experienced classroom teachers have seen many children (and parents) make this difficult separation, and usually have a stockpile of strategies to help ease a child in. And most preschools encourage parents to stay in or near the classroom until their child is calm. "We invite parents to stay for as long as it takes for their child to adjust to being left on his own," says Fine. "At first, the parent can participate in class activities; then we ask her to sit on the sidelines and read her own book; then we ask her to wait in the hall, outside the door." Depending on the child, it might take a day, a week or a month, she adds. "But because of this gradual approach, we see very few tears and tantrums when parents finally say goodbye."

Don't sneak out. If your child is happily engaged, you may be tempted to simply slip away. But don't! "You will violate your child's trust if you leave without saying goodbye," says Willer. Instead, go over to your child, give her a kiss or hug, and let her know when you're coming back in kid terms. For example: "After you have snack time, the teacher will read everyone a book and then I'll be here to pick you up."

If your child protests, try to remain firm but friendly (even if you feel like sobbing). "Prolonging the goodbye will only make it harder for yourself and your child," says Rafoth. "Just stick to the facts: 'It's time for me to go'; 'There are lots of kids here who like to play'; 'The teacher will take care of you while I'm gone.' "

After you leave, try not to worry. "Good teachers are always alert to make sure children say goodbye and then get involved in an interesting activity," says Willer. "In fact, if you check with your child's teacher later on, you'll probably discover that his tears dried up quickly as soon as you disappeared."

Don't be late. When the end of the first session arrives, make sure you're there waiting. "Children need to feel confident from the beginning that they can count on you to come back, and to come when you said you would," says Willer.

Also, don't get too excited about how your child will greet you. While some children will rush into their parents' arms and spew forth stories about their delightful day, others will completely ignore their parents' presence. Some will leave school looking happy and then throw a massive tantrum on the way home. "These negative reactions don't necessarily mean your child had a bad day," says Rafoth. "Children have different tolerance levels, and many are physically and emotionally exhausted after a day at preschool. So they need a chance to blow off steam and cool themselves down."

Begin a ritual. Play a special music tape in the car on the way home or bring a favorite snack. With my second son, Teddy, we always walked home. Along the way there was a park with a circle of flowers surrounded by a short, thick cement wall. It was perfect for a child his size to stand on, and wide enough for him to run on. So he decided that every day we had to stop at the flowers so he could run around the circle three times and then jump into my arms. It wasn't always fun for me, but it worked for him, so we stuck with it.

Do whatever it takes, urges Rafoth. "Helping your child end his school day on a calm, relaxing note will make it that much easier for him to separate again."

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