Get What You're Owed

Our advice columist tells you how to ask your friends to pay you back.

Question
How can I remind a friend he owes me money? I feel uncomfortable bringing it up, especially when I've already done so several times before.
-- Impatient Lender

Dear Lender,
Keep it simple. Next time you're with him, take a napkin, write out an IOU and give it to him. Hold out your hand, palm up. Pinch your fingers together three times, as if expecting that hand to become instantly covered in fresh bills. Give him 48 hours. If the money doesn't appear, you have the unhappy choice of writing off the loan or writing off the friend.

Question
I'm engaged, but a few months ago I realized I don't love this man enough to be his wife. I am scared to death of telling him, because I am afraid he will do something drastic. He's had a lot of bad relationships and says he can't handle any more heartache. This is his second engagement. I'm so depressed over this that I've lost weight and can't sleep. It's begun to affect my family life. How can I deal with this matter without him doing something crazy?
-- Frantic & Confused

Dear Confused,
You don't sound confused; you sound like a hostage. This guy has you ensnared in an emotional trap based on his former shortcomings and fears of future disappointments. The only healthy place for you to be is out. Heartache happens. You can't save him or anyone else from it. You know what you have to do. Now go tell him the truth about your feelings -- clearly, definitively, immediately.

Question
My son is a sweet, smart, shy seven-year-old in second grade. Due to heart surgery as an infant, he's small, and he has trouble with his "r" sounds. It wasn't a problem until we moved this summer. Now he's "the new little kid who talks like a baby." He's being picked on by bullies in our neighborhood and at school. It's painful. What can I do?
-- Worried Mom

Dear Worried,
Your child is in for a rough ride. I urge you to take immediate action: First, notify the school that he's being picked on and ask them to keep a discreet eye on him. Second, get him into speech therapy. This is a profession of rich resourcefulness, with practitioners sensitive to the needs of developing children. Third, get him involved in an activity in which he'll meet kids who share his interests, be it sports, music or collecting. Finally, though his difficulties may be painful for you to watch, don't let him see you sweat. Tell him you believe in him. Show him he is big in your eyes.

Question
I've been married for four years (my second) to a man who was single for 39 years. He spends all his free time on his computer, won't let any of us into his office, and has turned his desk around so we can't see the screen. He gets up every morning at 5:30, makes coffee and spends the next two hours online. He takes his dinner to his office every night and is there until 11 p.m. Our marriage is suffering. He's become distant, angry and rude. I suspect he is having a cyber-affair. I read there's a program that can spy on computer activity. I might get it to see if my hunch is right. What do you think?
-- Wired Widow

Dear Wired,
Spying on a spouse is never a good way to heal a marriage. Openness and honesty is. People in second marriages are often haunted by the prospect of another failed union and can be reluctant to face trouble. But you need to be confident and confront your husband directly with your concerns. Then insist he direct that browser to a list of nearby marriage counselors.

Question
Duke, our family dog, recently attacked a child. He didn't seriously hurt her, but if I hadn't grabbed him, he could have. I feel terrible. After consulting our vet, we've made arrangements to have him put down. My children, 11 and 5, still see him as a gentle giant who they snuggle and hug. I am unsure if I should tell my five-year-old that our best friend is going to die.
-- Pet Lover

Dear Pet Lover,
You have an opportunity to teach your children a lesson about the inevitably of death (kids are remarkably comfortable with this) and about personal responsibility. You've made a difficult and responsible decision regarding Duke's fate. Spend some time as a family saying goodbye to him, each of you remembering good times he shared with you, and, after he's gone, I'd encourage you to hold a family memorial service in which everyone can say something. Then, when they're ready, take your kids to get a puppy.

From Reader's Digest - December 2003

 

• • Friendship
• Ask Laskas
• • Relationships
• • Generation Y
• Marriage

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