How Can I Make My Wife See Herself as I See Her?

Follow these tips to improve your marriage.

Jeanne Marie Laskas

From Reader's Digest

Family Trouble

Question
I've spent the past two years living independently at college. I've managed my social life and schoolwork successfully, but when I go home, I'm treated like a child. My mom wants to control every aspect of my life, down to the clothes I wear. How do I get her out of my hair and wardrobe?
--Mommy's Toy

Dear Toy,
Realize, first of all, that she's normal. In a mother's mind, the time between diaper changing and college is a nanosecond. She can't stop fussing over you because you are, and always will be, her baby. Embrace this reality -- and embrace her! Put your arms around her and say, "Mom, your work here is done. I'm all grown up. You did a great job. I can handle most of it on my own now." And promise her you'll be back for advice when you can't.

Question
My husband hired his little sister to work in our office. She came in while I was with a client and sat on a filing cabinet, coughing and blowing her nose. The customer was clearly uncomfortable, so I asked my sister-in-law to go to the restroom to blow her nose and wash her hands. Later, Sis told my husband I had humiliated her. Was I wrong?
--Ms. Clean

Dear Clean,
Nope. Her behavior is nothing to sneeze at. She needs to learn that for the health of the business, the customer's feelings come first. But chastising her in front of clients is not the way to handle such situations or keep peace in the family.

Question
Mom has dementia and can't dress herself or carry on a conversation. She doesn't really know who we are, and the moment we leave her room, she forgets we've been there. Still, my sister insists we visit every day. My husband says since she is getting excellent care, once a week is enough. What would you consider a reasonable number of weekly visits?
--Dutiful Daughter

Dear Dutiful,
There is no such thing as a "reasonable" guideline in a tragic situation such as this. Neither your sister nor your husband is incorrect. You must do as your heart directs. My advice: Value each other's contributions and show it. Stick together. You need each other more than ever now.

Question
A friend of mine got her dream job. I'm a waitress with two kids, and I'm going to night school. She's single and lives rent free with her parents. We met for coffee and dessert to celebrate, and after we finished, she walked off and left me with the bill, even though I'd asked her to split it. She paid but griped that I should treat her because she'd just landed this great job. If I had her salary, I would. Who should pay in a situation like this?
--Confused

Dear Confused,
For heaven's sake, buy your friend a cup of coffee and give yourself a good talking-to about envy.

Question
My niece and her "groom" have lived together for four years. We just got a wedding invitation saying "In lieu of gifts, we are requesting money for a honeymoon." I was doubly shocked when my daughter said a judge married them two years ago. It sounds like they're out for a free vacation to me. Am I old-fashioned, or is this poor etiquette?
--Duped

Dear Duped,
This isn't poor etiquette -- it's a scam. It's putting a bonnet on a pig and wondering why it stinks (my apologies to pigs). Even if your niece just wanted to publicly celebrate her two-year-old marriage, asking for cash would be tasteless. Send a card with $20, and consider it a low price for getting out of an unsavory situation.

Question of the Month

I'm married to a beautiful woman who is obsessed with her butt. She has a figure that flares a bit, but she's not heavy. I think her mother hammered in the idea that her derrière is too big. I think my wife looks sexy. But she starves herself and says she needs liposuction. How can I make her see herself as I see her and tell her mom to butt out?
--Love Her Like She Is

Dear Love Her,
You can't get your wife to see herself as you do. Her image of her body was indelibly printed in her mind long before you came on the scene. She sees herself in a distorted way. And such thematic, lifelong and dearly held beliefs are notoriously difficult to excise. (If she seriously starts showing signs of an eating disorder, then by all means get her to a doctor.) You say you "love her like she is"? Then keep doing so -- loving her even while she believes her butt is too big.

From Reader's Digest - June 2007

• Ask Laskas

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