Ask Laskas: “Is Ma’am Offensive?”

It is not offensive to me, but then I’m a product of the 50′s when people had respect for their elders, those in authority and themselves.  People no longer have respect even for themselves, so why should they have respect for others.  My children are now 48, 49 & 50 and they are still polite to others because that’s the way they were taught.  Since I’m in the south, I often address my elders as Miss Mary or Miss Martha or some such.  There are people around who call that slave talk, too, but to me it is a way of addressing someone with respect.  Look around you–no one has any respect for anything, nor anyone in America.

You keep on with your good manners.  You can always your superiors if it is a problem if you a still concerned.  Kudos to the peopleo instilled such good manners.  Keep it up.

How can it possibly be polite or respectful to call someone something they prefer not to be called? Ask them what they WOULD like to be called, and then call them that. That’s true respect.

Good manners includes NOT doing things that offend or are hurtful to others.  Forms of address seem to be in quite a state of flux these days.  Titles (Mrs./Miss/Ms., for example), first names or title + surname (Betty vs. Mrs. Jones), and forms of address such as “sir” or “ma’am” belong to the person, not you, and are subject to their control.  Your inclination to show deference and respect to others is laudable, and is the most respectful way to start addressing people.  How much easier it is to start being overly courteous and then being asked graciously to be more informal, than to start overly familiar and be upbraided by someone who wants to be treated more formally.  So when Mrs. Jones asks you to call her Betty, you should comply.  And when Mr. Smith asks that you not address him as “sir,” you should comply.   But if Dr. Brown never asks you to address her as Mary, then stay with “ma’am” and “Dr. Brown.”  If you must, keep a little chart of preferred forms of address until you remember. 

Now for those who have given you backlash: shame, shame, shame! 

The proper etiquette is to say:  Mr., Miss, Mrs. or Ms.  Since you have no training in good manners you might want to buy a book about manners.  Then when told, you may use what the person suggests. 

I’m also a young person, under 25, and I also use respectful honorifics. 
I would continue using “sir” and “ma’am,” and if someone gives you grief, ask them why and then just remember to not use honorifics when addressing that person. 

It’s nice that you want to respect your elders, but in this day and age, most people- even in the workplace, and especially in the workplace- tend to call people by any name/title they prefer. Many times people prefer not to be called by their formal name, but by a nickname. Go with the flow, and don’t take it personally. If your elders prefer not to be called “sir” or “ma’am” then fine, call them by whatever name or title they go by.

There is nothing wrong with your decision to be courteous and respectful at work. I am sure the backlash involves people saying you are “sucking up” or “kissing butt” to get ahead. This type of behavior derives from those who may feel you are a threat to them. They do not feel the same way about their boss. I deal with the younger generation as a police officer and I see the consent disrespect towards authority and the public in general. I address everyone I come in contact with as sir or ma’am. It is a sign of universal respect. Keep up the comments, don’t worry about the co-workers, continue to stand up for what you believe in. Good luck!

I grew up a military brat, so “sir” and “ma’am” were part of my normal, everyday vocabulary. But I notice a lot of people seem to be offended by them, mostly due to the fact of making them feel old. In fact, we are not supposed to call people “sir” or “ma’am” at my job. I think your best bet would be to address your coworkers as “Mister xxx” or “Miss xxx”, though the feminine aspect may cause its own problems between “Miss” and “Mrs.”

I was raised to have respect, not only for my “elders” but those around me and myself. The years of martial arts I took only reinforced that. What they don’t understand is that you are saying it out of the respect you have for them. I myself am only 20 and I have experienced this myself. What I would suggest is that the next time you say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” and they become short with you, inform them that you mean no harm in it, that you mean it out of sincere respect. Apologize to them if you offended them, and ask them what they would prefer you to address them by. At the end of the day it is all about respect. If you respect them, you’ll respect their wishes regardless of their reasoning behind it.

I was raised to have respect, not only for my “elders” but those around me and myself. The years of martial arts I took only reinforced that. What they don’t understand is that you are saying it out of the respect you have for them. I myself am only 20 and I have experienced this myself. What I would suggest is that the next time you say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” and they become short with you, inform them that you mean no harm in it, that you mean it out of sincere respect. Apologize to them if you offended them, and ask them what they would prefer you to address them by. At the end of the day it is all about respect. If you respect them, you’ll respect their wishes regardless of their reasoning behind it.

I was raised to have respect, not only for my “elders” but those around me and myself. The years of martial arts I took only reinforced that. What they don’t understand is that you are saying it out of the respect you have for them. I myself am only 20 and I have experienced this myself. What I would suggest is that the next time you say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” and they become short with you, inform them that you mean no harm in it, that you mean it out of sincere respect. Apologize to them if you offended them, and ask them what they would prefer you to address them by. At the end of the day it is all about respect. If you respect them, you’ll respect their wishes regardless of their reasoning behind it.

I was raised to have respect, not only for my “elders” but those around me and myself. The years of martial arts I took only reinforced that. What they don’t understand is that you are saying it out of the respect you have for them. I myself am only 20 and I have experienced this myself. What I would suggest is that the next time you say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” and they become short with you, inform them that you mean no harm in it, that you mean it out of sincere respect. Apologize to them if you offended them, and ask them what they would prefer you to address them by. At the end of the day it is all about respect. If you respect them, you’ll respect their wishes regardless of their reasoning behind it.

When in Basic Training I called a drill sergeant sir.  He just about swallowed his tongue and then yelled, what?  I looked him square in the eye and told him that my mamma is meaner than he is.  He looked at me, smiled, and said don’t do it again.  

I’m 41 now and still say sir and ma’am to people both older and younger than I am.  I always give them this same answer.  I’m not backing down at all.  My mamma taught me better than that.  Polite is polite. 

You must be from the south.  Us good ole southern folks still address people that way.  I would continue doing it , but also find out if they prefer something else.  I am 65 and still say Yes ma’am and yes sir to everybody .   I am in the south and in sales and customer service and will say yes ma’am to ladies in their 20′s and 30′s

I was raised such that “Ma’am” and “Sir” are to be used as a sign of respect. The term is always approrpiate for some one you do not know well,  or for a superior.

Even in certain contexts, you may wish to use this address for a close friend. Perhaps others are around for whom you want to set the tone.

In the late 90′s, I worked at a high tech firm that was hiring a lot of people just out of college. A young woman, first job, came to my desk to ask a question. I said, “Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?” She was offended thinking I said she looked old. She never spoke to me again.

So, use the term when it will be well received. And not otherwise. Knowing the difference is the trick.

I was taught by my mother to show respect for others; sir and ma’am are part of my regular vocabulary. Holding doors for others is simply the way things are done. sometimes I get a strange look and sometimes I get a “Thank you”. But sometimes, I am scolded in less-than-polite fashion. My response is always the same (and always delivered with a laugh a smile): “My mother taught me to be a gentleman. You wouldn’t want her to come out of her grave and slap me upside the head now, would you? That’s something neither one of us would want to see.” So far, no one has wanted to see if she would.

If someone does not want to be addressed so formally then it would be rude to keep addressing them as such. Good manners also mean respecting the wishes of others. Someone should only have to ask you to not call them “Sir” once.

I’m the, “kid,” in my office and I have experienced something similar. I was raised in the South and have grown up to say ma’am and sir to everyone (even pets).  Once, a woman in my office became instantly angry, stopped all that she had been doing, looked me straight in the eyes, and said, “Do NOT call me ma’am. It makes me feel old.”  Embarrassed, I apologized. Since then, I avoid the use of ma’am with her and mostly just avoid her.  However, I wish I that I could have been confident enough to make light of it, or to simply stand my ground and make sure she knew that, “Yes, ma’am,” would not cease to be a part of my regular vocabulary. I know it’s not my fault that anything might help her to feel old–her own feelings allow her to feel old.  It is good an proper thing to say ma’am and sir. As you might in other awkward situations, do your best to be graceful and accepting or just make light of the situation–but never stop saying ma’am and sir just because someone is rude about it.  Don’t be a jerk, but don’t be a doormat either. The insecurities of others that cause them to behave rudely ought never dissuade us from being polite.  Incidentally, propriety is a way of showing concern for others–if we forget that, then we are neglecting the purpose of politeness which is infinitely more important the the particular manner in and of itself.  Sometimes, adjusting your own behavior can the most polite thing.   If someone is expressing their discomfort in a kind way, return their respect by honoring their wishes–explain why you say ma’am and sir, and let them know you’ll do your best to keep from using those phrases with them.  

It’s not offensive at all. Some people just like to make a big fuss over every little thing. One time I called a lady “ma’am” and she got in a big huff and said not to call her that. So I replied “Alright, sir.”

Dear Perplexed Youngster,
 I commend your desire to remain respectful at work.  However, you should look at it as a compliment that they don’t see it necessary for you to call them “sir” or “ma’am.”  Perhaps they see you as more of an equal than the terms deserve. For some it makes them feel old.  Ask them politely how they would like to be addressed.  Do you want the next youngest hired to call you “sir” or ‘ma’am?”

Dear Perplexed,  Nothings wrong with having courteous mannerisms especially in todays’ world; however in a work environment you are seen as a “Team Member”, one of the group.  The use of “sir” and “ma’am” are more commonly used within the family or by those we barely know.  Join the group at work and start using the sweet sound everyone likes to hear…the sound of their own name.  

The younger person should respect the requests not to use sir or ma’am. Even though it is used out of respect, some people feel that they aren’t old enough for the title or they don’t want to be considered “that old” to have the title. It still comes down to respecting their wish of not using the term. It’s such a small thing, so maybe use their name instead, like “OK Sue, I’ll do that”. That way it’s also more personal.

There are a lot of people that take offense to the slightest thing and in this youth-centric world we live in anything that makes you sound old has good odds to cause offense.  Take your cue from your co-workers. Your office culture will have more to say on the issue than how you were raised or what part of the country you work in.  Your going to make a lot of social errors in your professional life, just remember to rise above them and keep an open mind. 

I don’t get it either! I thought being respectful was a good thing! I think the person on the receiving end of the “maam” or “sir” think it means they are old. That’s the way it is perceived, even though I don’t understand it or agree with it. I believe it shows respect for your elders.
On another note, I’ve been seeing a lot of “we don’t respect anything here in America” comments.
I totally disagree with that! I see respect from young and old every day, and love growing up in rural America, where good manners are still practiced.   

In an age where rudeness, disrespect and dis-courteousness seems to be the norm, someone with good manners is a breath of fresh air. With “Political Correctness” shoved down our throats daily, we’ve been taught to take umbrage at anything and everything said to us. “Perplexed”, stay the course and keep doing what you’ve been taught to do by some obviously wonderful parents…treating others with respect and simple courtesies.

I too was the youngest person in the “datacomm” company i worked for back in 1986. i was the youngest and the only “buppie”! now i have retired and started my own restaurant but i realized that
alot of “older” people either take being called “sir” or “ma’am” as you flaunting your youthfulness or
other people just dont want to admit that they are simply old. perplexed youngster you have a career not just a job and you obviously are a youngman and not a kid now. since it is offensive to your bosses to be called sir or ma’am then just drop it. stop calling them sir and ma’am (believe me i know how hard it is to do) now that im older when i hear a young man or young woman call me sir
it does sting a little bit but im not sensetive! i realize that it is a form of respect but that’s me. good luck in your career and put yourself in their shoes until you start getting called “sir” or “ma’am”. only then can u understand what a  problem it is. like Mick Jagger said “what a drag it is getting old”  

I believe this is a cultural issue. My husband is white and taught middle school math in NJ for 13 years. Eight years ago we moved to Texas. His first day teaching 8th grade he had what he thought was a smart-mouthed African-American teenager giving him a sarcastic, “Yes, Sir.” My husband lectured him for 5 minutes on respect and threatened to send him to the office. Finally a brave young lady enlightened him that in the south, students address their teachers and all adults respectfully with the title “Sir” or “Ma’am.” My husband and the class learned a lot about each other that day! I suggest Perplexed Youngster ask how her comments are being perceived by those whom she is addressing. She may be sending the wrong message unintentionally. If they approve, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Texas Transplant

In answer to the question about “sir” or “ma’am”, I do not know who the backlash is coming from.  My dad bought a small retail pharmacy in a small town when I was 12 years old (they are almost extinct now!) and he taught me how to wait on and address people.  I was an employee for 10 years and an employer for about 45 years.  I was taught that you will never be in any trouble calling anyone Mr. or Mrs. or Sir, etc.  Then if that person says please call me Jack or Jill or Flash, it was my job to remember that and address them as such!  It has worked very well for me and my children for many years now.  Thanks for the chance to reply….Anson Johnson in Palmyra, New York

I went back to school to further my education as a teacher, and was the oldest student in the class by 30 years. Several of my co-students insisted on addressing me as “Miss Carol” rather than Carol. I understand they meant this with respect, but it made me feel like an outsider. I wanted to be a part of the class, but by being addressed in this manner I felt uncomfortable. On the other hand, I was one of a very small minority who addressed the teacher as “ma’am”, and said “please” and “thank you”. I applaud your good manners, but also feel if someone requests you drop the “sir” or “ma’am” title, you should oblige.

Dear Perplexed,
While sir and ma’am are commonly seen as a sign of respect they are also commonly seen as a sign of age.  People forget that they are infact getting older and everytime you say sir or ma’am reminds them that they are not as young as they last remembered themselves being.  Another thing to note is when in the work place you are all peers, short of your boss, thus if you adress them using their names you would actually be showing more respect by treating them as an equal.  But lets face it who really wants to go physically beyond the age of 25?  Long story short if you truely wish to show respect use their names.  That also indivualizes them amongst all the other sirs’ and ma’ams’ you may have in your life.

It’s refreshing to read that respect for others isn’t quite dead yet and I commend you. Unfortunately as well, we live in an anti-old society and some people have more of a problem with it than others. I once ran into an ex-boss whom I hadn’t seen in years and while introducing her to my friend, I said, “This is my old boss…” I truly meant to say ex-boss, but as the words came flying out of my mouth, this woman flipped out on me and said, “OLD!, I’M NOT OLD!, HOW COULD YOU SAY I’M OLD?” All I could do was apologize and tell her that I meant no disrespect because it wasn’t my intent to hurt her feelings. I truly meant, “ex-boss.” So anyway, with that being said, I would tell the co-workers who give you backlash, that you mean no disrespect and you were brought up to respect others as well as authority. Then ask if there is another respectful term they perfer to be addressed. Keep the peace, while keeping your job :-)

Observe the culture of your organization i.e. how people address each other. If they simply call each other by their first names, go for it. You might have heard that do in the rome as the romans do… Moreover every organization has a dufferent culture and you don’t want to be the odd one out by addressing people differently. It will also help you to blend in the culture of your company, Another thing you can do is to ask somebody in your company about this with whom you are comfortable talking about this issue. They can advice you what to do.

Yes, a lot of people are that sensitive.  There is some kind of implication that you are calling the person “sir” or “ma’am” because they are old and incompetent.  Remember, the whole point of courtesy is to honor the person you are speaking with; the most “courteous mannerism” you can develop is to address people the way they want to be addressed.  As the youngest employee in your workplace, you can also demonstrate your maturity by being willing to adapt to the needs of the people around you.

“Sir” and Ma’am” are salutations which historically
showed respect. The use of them – like please and thank you ­– is a courtesy
that respectful individuals extended to others. In situations like yours, it is
helpful to remember that the function of manners is to make other people
comfortable and facilitate smooth social interaction.

Our culture has changed and with it the expectations of what
is considered good manners. Respectful individuals, such as yourself, don’t knowingly
or deliberately offend people. If you know that the formalities of sir and ma’am
are offensive to your coworkers, and continue to use them, you are showing poor
manners. As a person of culture and respect, it is up to you to make your
coworkers comfortable around you. They have given you permission to be informal,
and stated their desire for you to do so. Show respect by honoring their wishes.

I was born in the 40′s, and it was considered being disrespectful when “sir” or “ma’am” was not said to an older person or someone in authority.  However, at your workplace, it appears to be an issue when you do say it to someone who has asked you not to do it, and disrespectful if you continue to do so.  If the backlash is coming from office mates who don’t say “thank you” or “please” much less “excuse me” or “I’m sorry,” try to be strong enough not to lower your own values. It would be great if they would rise to yours.

Courtesy is in the eye of the beholder.  Some people hear terms like ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ and instantly feel 100 years older.  Even though you are trying to be respectful, if it offends it has to go.  Ask those who are anti ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ how they prefer to be addressed and go with that.

You are on the right path my young friend. DONOT CHANGE just because others say so….it wil be appreciated always…

Go with what people want. Among my colleagues some demand
equality “Call me Mike, I insist.” Others are comfortable with a differentiation
between peers, superiors, and subordinates. In the US there are no standards so
everyone gets to pick their own.

Dear Perplexed Youngster, In a job situation, Upper management calls the shots. They may have created a more relaxed atmosphere. If they are in charge and they say using sir and ma’am are not necessary, then it would be disrepectful to continue to use them. It has nothing to do with age. It is all about respecting the management team and how they want to be addressed.

I find “sir” and “ma’am” to be impersonal and cold and I resent it when I’m addressed as ma’am.  It’s not so much that someone is inferring that I am old as it is the connotation it brings up……being forced to address hated teachers, feared military officers, or stern elders as sir or ma’am.  Rather than a form of respect, the tone of voice can turn these words into an insult.

It’s not offensive to me, mainly because I use the same terms at work with customers (mainly because it’s a historical park and often, there is no way to know people’s names unless they tell us). I can understand both sides though-you were likely raised to use those terms as a mean of respect, but on their end, there are some people who, for some odd reason, think that being called ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ makes them seem old.

I’ve never heard of someone being insulted by being called “sir” or “ma’am,” although some people may not like to hear any reminders that they are getting older. You could say something like, “I did not mean any disrespect at all! I was raised to address people in positions of authority, such as bosses and professors, as ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am.’ Its an old habit.” 

I think you show your respect for people in many ways, and “Ma’am” or “Sir” are still accepted ways to address people you don’t know, or to address even those you do know in deference.  It’s important not to forget the other things, like punctuality, attire, hygiene, eye contact, listening, choice of language, smiling, silencing your cell phone and so on.  There will always be a few people who can think of exceptions, but most appreciate your efforts to offer them respect.  

Someone wants to show a little respect and they are getting backlash.  That is very sad.  Our society needs more “youngsters” with this type of attitude.  

I hate being called ma’am or Mrs. It makes me feel old. I especially hate it when my kids’ teachers call me it – they are usually older than me!

The new employee doesn’t specify if the complaints are coming from the senior manager whom he’s calling “Sir/Ma’am” or from peer workers who maybe feel they’re not being respectful enough.  If the former, then he’ll just have to accept that these superiors don’t want to be addressed that way; if the latter, then I would think the peers feel somewhat threatened that they’re not measuring up.

Your senior managers might be sensitive to what they perceive is being treated like elders.  If they are over 40, they’ve begun to be age-sensitive, and nervous about appearing to be “too old” to do their jobs.  If the managers themselves are the ones providing opposition to your terms of respect, privately ask each one what they would  like you to call them, and then comply without any further comment.  You are definitely to be commended for showing good, old-fashioned manners!  It’s unfortunate that some people are of the opinion that terms of respect are outdated.

I say yes ma’am/no ma’am, yes sir/no sir  out of habit.  Better to be polite and respectful than rude.

I raise my children to use “sir” and “ma’am”,and we use these terms for each other in the house as terms of respect, and we also use use them in public. However, in the workplace, people should address each other in terms that all parties agree are respectful, regardless of age. I have been told not to use “sir” and “ma’am” by people who find it offensive because they mistakenly believe these terms are used only for older people. I respectfully inform them that I did not mean to be offensive, and I wouldn’t dream of continuing to use a term that someone else finds offensive. THAT would not be respectful!

When I was refered to as Ma’am in the workplace, it made my co-workers and me feel old.  Knowing full well it was a sign of respect or upbring (especially with those raised in the south), the result was the same.  ”I’ve been ma’amed” was the expression we used. Workplaces are much more casual now and almost everyone where I worked was on a first name basis.  How do your co-workers refer the your management team?  Take a clue from them or ask the individuals involved what they prefer to be called.  You can still be respectful by your words, actions, tone of voice, etc. at all times, not just when the boss is around.

I’ve come across this as well. I usually apologize and let them know that is not meant to be disrepectful, instead it is quite the opposite. I also explain that I use these terms with my children. I basically mention that it isn’t about age, yet about showing respect for the other person. I think deep-down, while the person may say something negative about you using these terms, I bet they appreciate it more than they are willing to admit.

I suspect the “backlash” is from co-workers not upper management.  It is never wrong to be respectful.  The work place has become too casual in pecking order dialogue.  My bet is that “Perplexed Youngster” will advance while the naysayers stay put.

Nancy Cameron
Cincinnati, Ohio 

Keep the Ma’am’s and Sir’s!!!!!!  I say it all the time to both young and old.  I respond to my children with it.  It shows respect.  And it is so easy to make a good habit.  (Yes, I am a southern gal)

Who is giving you the backlash? If it’s the upper management people then you should address them any way they wish! But if it’s your other peer co-workers, I say ignore ‘em and continue to use the respectful manners. 

Dear Perplexed Youngster,

Manners seem to be in short supply these days and your upbringing is a credit to your parents. As such, you need not forfeit your parents good work just because someone feels the term Ma’am or Sir makes them feel old. As a vet of the US Army, I usually tell people that it’s just the way I was raised. From that point on the issue has seemed to be settled.

Dan Norris 

People think you are being just plain sassy. I can’t even call my parents “sir” or “ma’am”!

To Perplexed Youngster regarding “ma’am” and “sir.”

Dear Perplexed Youngster,
 
Congratulations to you (and your parents) for having learned respect and good manners.  I think being courteous is always the right choice.  However, today, some people are sensitive to “sir” and “ma’am,” it makes them feel old.  The heart of courtesy is to put people at ease, make everyone comfortable, and be respectful.  I suggest you try Mr. or Ms. Soandso.  If, after that, they tell you to call them by their first names, (or Mrs. or Miss instead of Ms.) then do that.  You will be showing your respect by remembering their preferences.

Living in the South, my mama and daddy taught me to always be respectful. That means I always use Ma’am/Sir to anyone older than me or in a position of authority over me. Ma’am/Sir is about as respectful as I know how to be.

Congratulations to you (and your parents) for your good manners! If the backlash you’ve received is negative, then good manners dictate that you should respect the wishes of those who don’t like to be referred to as “sir” or “ma’am” when you’re conversing with them. If the backlash is teasing about being “old-fashioned”, then smile, laugh, and respectfully blame your upbringing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your courteous mannerisms, but it is important to figure out the culture of the organization, the individuals within that organization, and how you will (or will not) adapt to the expectations. 

I was raised to address someone with the proper “sir” or “ma’am”. I am still only a teenager, but since mant social graces of western culture have changed I listen to how they introduce themselves to me or even just ask them, “What would you like me to address you as? I typically say “ma’am” or “sir”.” Any other disagreement on the part of the other person is not your fault and not something to take to heart.

Your intentions are laudable and appropriate.  However, the number one rule when dealing with people is “Know your audience.”  If someone expresses displeasure at being addressed as “Sir” or “Ma’am,” ask them how they wish to be addressed and remember it for the next time.  If your uncomfortable with their request (if they ask you to use their first name, perhaps), tell them you don’t think you can do that and reach a compromise.  If they don’t say anything, consider your use of “Sir” or “Madam” as welcome.  When it comes to human beings, following a single rule for all people doesn’t work.  Addressing people in a way that both you and they are comfortable with is the ultimate way of showing respect without sacrificing your self-respect.

I tkink it is fine to address upper management as “sir” or  “ma’am”.   It seems that no longer showing respect for someone else is the acceptable thing and those who don’t either criticize those who do.  Innocent children are scrutinized by their peers even when they say something as  “God Bless America” which happened to my grandaugnhter in grade two by her own classmates telling her she could not say that anymore.  What has happened to showing respect for others or acting in a respectable manner.   It seems that only mean and disrespect is becoming the norm.  I applaud that youngster for being a respectful person.  It is hard to do the right thing and think it is O.K. without someone saying it’s wrong.  I more people showed respect for others this would be a much better world. We need to go back to those days and instill that in our young.

Showing respect is always preferrable. Today it sadly seems like a lost art. One day my best friend (we’ll call him Mr. X) talked to my Son Wayne (who was about 25 at the time) after he addressed him as “Mr.”.  He told Wayne to call him by his first name and Wayne responded with: I’m sorry Mr. X but you have always been Mr X to me and I just do not feel right calling you by your first name. I was really proud of him and pleased that the respect lessons my Wife and I tried to instill in him had made it. My friend was also impressed with his response. It’s sad today when so many show little or no respect for anybody, including themselves.

Dear Perplexed,
In these increasingly non-formal times, it’s refreshing to see people that know how to show respect and act professional.  If a superior asks not to be addresed this way, apologize and ask how she or he would prefer to be addressed.

Dear Perplexed,
In these increasingly non-formal times, it’s refreshing to see people that know how to show respect and act professional.  If a superior asks not to be addresed this way, apologize and ask how she or he would prefer to be addressed.

I teach at a university and we are located near a military base.  The military students we have always say “ma’am” or “sir” and I appreciate it although it did take a bit of getting used to.  I think that these terms are a sign of respect so I am all for it.  Not everyone sees it that way however.  I remember saying, “Thank you, sir” for someone who held the door to a stairway for me.  He responded with, “B****”.  I continued on my way and much to my dismay found that he was coming up the stairs behind me while calling to me.  He wanted to apologize.  He said most people didn’t react with a thank you and at first he thought I was being sarcastic, but thought differently and came to apologize.  Sandy Lang

Keep calling them sir or ma’am. When they tell you thats offensive, ask what they would like to be called. It works for all people and everyone is happy. It’s not a big deal, don’t sweat it. 

If it’s not convention or comfortable for the majority in the workplace to address upper management as “sir” or “ma’am”, I wouldn’t suggest choosing this battle.  But you don’t have to surrender your courteous manners.  I will fall back on these titles when I don’t know someone’s name, e.g., when thanking a store clerk, or the person who holds a door open for me, or when asking directions.

I was once privileged to be waited on by a young man from the South. I was very pleased to be addressed as Ma’am, something I had never experienced before since I was born in Connecticut. It made me feel respected and important. I told my children about it and how nice it made me feel, and their response was “You’re not going to make us do that, are you?” What has become of courtesy and good manners? the perplexed youngster does not need to apologize for being polite. ( I bet her/his boss has not complained.

Mary Lu Tosi

I learned early on when I was 11 and started a lawn business.  My ma’am and sir were met with “Call me Curtis…call me Candy…Call me Glen” by my neighbors.  I knew even at that young age that they were age sensitive.  This was Houston, TX in the 80′s.  Don’t call anyone sir or ma’am if they don’t like it; I don’t care how polite you think you are, that is not polite.  That goes for “polite” terminology as much as with derogatory terms.  Here’s a tip:  upper management that dress very nicely and carry themselves very properly/professionally–call them sir or ma’am.  They will appreciate the gesture. 

I use it all the time. I have had a few people take offense to it. I was raised to be respectful and have actually used Ma’am towards a superior at a job who was younger then me out of respect for her authority.

I’m a military wife, and my children KNOW to call their elders ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’.  It is a form of respect.  The sad trend in this country is that if a few people don’t like something, or are ‘offended’, than everyone else has to bow down to their wishes.  I do not like that.  How can someone be offended if they are addressed with respect?  It sounds to me like Perplexed Youngster works with people who definitely are too sensitive, which is pathetic.  Most everyone I know, military or civilian, are happy when shown this courtesy.

Use respectful terms as you have been correctly taught to do. If people prefer to be called something different, they will tell you. From then on use the preferred name, or term.

Use respectful terms as you have been correctly taught to do. If people prefer to be called something different, they will tell you. From then on use the preferred name, or term.

Sir and Ma’am are proper ways to address elders, however especially women may take offense at certain ages. They feel it shows that you are calling them old and they do not like getting old.  You can simply tell them you mean no disrespect to their age, you are simply addressing them that way because of their position above you.  If they are NOT superior to you in position or time at the company, then NO it is not proper to address them as if they are elder. 

Im also a Tarheel native. I believe that some people (men and women ) are offended by mam and sir probably because it makes them feel older than they want to feel. At one point several years ago (im 56 now) i felt that way…i actually stopped in my tracks and thought about it. Now i sorta giggle about it….it doesnt bother me…in fact..i admire those who still carry on the tradition.  I grew up using mam and sir and i still do…along with thank-you and please. It is simple courtesy. My advice is to say to the offended “i was only showing respect” apologize and smile.

I think that sir or ma’am being acceptable or not as everything to do with ones perspective.  I know if I was the youngest person at my job and received some backlash, I would choose another way to address upper management. They are in charge today. Someday when your in charge you can decide how the staff addresses you.  Don’t sweat the small stuff save that for the big issues like whether or not the task your being asked to do is ethical and lines up with your moral values
BJ

I am a teacher in a pro nominate African-American school where we teach and insist that our students answer with “yes ma’am and sir.”  We do this so our students can learn these manners and it shows respect to their elders! People do notice these manners and respect!
S. Rodriguez in Wichita, Kansas

No it is not offensive!!! I was raised to say yes/no Mam/Sir. I was born and raised in Ga. moved to Ohio a few years ago and was actually threatened with my job if I did not stop calling a memeber of management SIR. Also ppl always ask me if I’ve served in the military because of the yes/no mam/sir. You know why you say it. If you’re saying it out of respect do not let other ppl. affect the way you show respect. The main reason ppl give u a hard time is because you probably make them feel bad because they probably were not taught RESPECT!!! And remember LET YOUR HATERS BE YOUR  MOTIVATOR

No, not really. It just sounds stupid coming from anyone outside the south.

Dear Mr. Perplexed,
Bet the backlashes have come from your peers and not from upper management.  Good manners are slowly coming back to everyday life thanks to people like you.  Also bet, upper management got there by showing respect to upper management during their trip up.  Keep up the good manners.

Times change. Sensibilities change. Addresses change.  Those terms were considered respectful at some time and in some institutions.  Over time they have earned other not so respectful connotations.  For instance, in the military a lower ranking non-commissioned member is supposed to address Officers (commissioned) with ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ – but there was a ‘joke’ that Officers do not work, so when you address someone with ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ outside the military you may get the response, “Don’t call me ‘Sir’ (or ’Ma’am’) because I work for a living”.  I won’t go into what ‘Ma’am’ brings thoughts of to some people.  In the business and professional world it would be more respectful to rightfully call or address a person by their name:  Mr. Jones or Mrs. Smith until they say “Thanks, but you can call me Bob or Jane”.

Using the word Ma’am, in my opinion should be addressed to people who you do not know. But when you know that persons first or last name.  Why can’t you address them as Ms. Dorothy, or Mr. Herbert.  To what their name is.  They are not strangers.