Ask Laskas: “Should I let my daughter rock a Metallica shirt?”

Help this mother daughter duo settle their argument over whether or not it's fair for a teenager to wear heavy metal shirts.

Ask Laskas: “Should I let my daughter rock a Metallica shirt?”

My 16-year-old daughter wants to wear band T-shirts for heavy metal groups like Metallica. I said no, and she pointed out that I had let her brother wear similar shirts. I explained that it’s different for guys and that when a girl wears that type of shirt she gives the wrong impression. She blew up at me for being “sexist and unfair” and said that if people would form an opinion of her based on a T-shirt, she couldn’t care less about what they had to say. I still think it’s a bad idea, but am I overreacting?

—Misunderstood Mom

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940 thoughts on “Ask Laskas: “Should I let my daughter rock a Metallica shirt?”

  1. I don’t care about the impression and neither does your daughter. perhaps the mother is alone in caring about what impression her daughter makes with heavy metal shirts. I say let the girl wear what she wants!!!! I am 16 as well and support my fellow girl in her freedom of expression for the band she likes!!! It’s important to teach your kids and others that impressions don’t matter, people can make judgements but the less you care, the happier you’ll be. This reminds me of All-American Girl, a book about a girl who wears Save Ferris shirts and loves Gwen Stefani. Treating your daughter different from your son is indeed sexist and unfair!

    1. I would be obliged if my fellow 16-year-old or her mom tells me whether she is currently allowed to wear Metallica shirts.
      Also, is CourtneysMom the mom who asked this question? Does Courtney get to wear what she wants?
      If person who asked Laskas reads this, I would be obliged if you tell me whether you have reasons for restricting your daughter’s freedom of expression other than because girls wearing Metallica shirts may give unpleasant impressions.

  2. Your daughter is barely a child anymore at sixteen she should be able to dress herself in anyway she chooses as long as it doesn’t convey a highly sexual message who cares what she wears let her have some independence and let her have her individuality and not the one you picked out for her . Especially since you let your son wear band tshirts its sexist that you won’t let your grown up daughter.

  3. Clothes are clothes. Don’t put genders on them. *rolls eyes* She can wear what she likes and no one can stop her. It’s Metallica…and they’re harmless. Don’t put gender into play here. Who cares if she’s a girl?

  4. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD why not? It just shows you enjoy a certain band and that your a metalhead yes the metal community has a bad reputation with ignorant swaggots but any rational adult knows better its partially true you are being sexist and unfair there are many female metalheads and female metal musicians like Angela Gossow and Tarja Turunen they are respectable people. Would you let her wear a Miley Cyrus shirt after all don’t you know about the twerking incident?

  5. The simple answer is yes you are wrong for stopping her from wearing a Metallica shirt.

  6. In short – yes, you are overreacting. As long as the shirt isn’t offensive (being a Metallica shirt, I’d hazard a guess that it isn’t. A fairly PC rock band if ever there was one) then she should be able to wear it. The only thing people will glean from it these days is that the girl likes heavy metal and rock. You can argue for hours about what sort of image it conveys, if it’s grounded in reality and if it’s a double standard considering you let your son wear similar shirts – but what your daughter will take away from this is that A) wardrobe and music choices are valid points to consider when forming an opinion of someone’s character and B) That her parent thinks it fair. She’s old enough to understand these issues, so let her make up her own mind. It seems as though you’re too fixated on what other people will think of your daughter, rather than teaching her a healthy philosophy. And if you’re concerned the shirt will impact her in a negative way, trust in her enough to believe that she will make good decisions in that event that it does.

  7. Yes you are over reacting. Leave the kid be. She’s not hurting anyone and it’s not like she’s out committing crimes.

  8. I am raising 6 children and I listen to metal music so I might be biased but here is my opinion. I have always allowed my children to wear what they want as long as they are dressed modestly. They are trying to form who they are and what better place to do so then in my home under my supervision. I have not always liked what my kids have worn but allowing them to express themselves in this manner has actually made us closer while still allowing me to be their parent. And wearing a metal shirt doesn’t make you a bad person, just a supporter of what you already listen to. And she is right, if she is judged by others then they are friends she doesn’t need in her life.

  9. You should support her regardless. If it’s not blatantly offensive or will get her in trouble at school, I see absolutely no problem.

  10. I have a 15 year old girl myself. She is allowed to wear what she likes, if it isn’t low cut or too tight. (modesty rule) I personally think your daughter has a point when she says it’s sexist, and I don’t think a Metallica shirt is that shocking. If she wanted to dye her hair and get a Mohawk, I would agree that it sends thew wrong message. :) (If you still don’t want to say yes, never say something like “It’s different for guys,” much like what Supplejade suggested in their comment.

  11. My freshman year of high school, I was friends with the principle’s daughter. I had yet to meet him. She had been at my house and spilled soda all over her shirt, so I let her borrow a Def Leppard shirt until we could get back to her house. I was sitting in her living room when he came in the kitchen and saw her wearing it. She tried to explain what had happened and he cut her off by saying “You will NOT become one of those black t-shirt girls that hang out with the druggies and sluts.” Suddenly the Ozzy shirt that I had chosen to wear that day felt very uncomfortable. She smarted off to him at dinner and said “See how you’re acting?” He looked at me and I asked “Like a black t-shirt girl?” I thanked her mother for dinner and asked if I could use the phone to have my mother pick me up.
    During the next few years, I was an honor student, editor of the school paper, and belonged to many school clubs. My senior year, he apologized to me.

  12. I think it’s really about freedom and limits.. I have no problem with my children wearing a ‘rock-T, but I’d surely wouldn’t want them in a profanity laden garb either ( not necessarily singling out heavy metal, i listened to it growing up). I do think kids need to spread their wings and make their own choices – both good and bad to grow and learn. I would suggest to the mom in the article to let her daughter wear that Metallica shirt. It’s only the ignorant individuals that ‘get the wrong impression’ anyway. If you have a good kid you have nothing to worry about, but if you shelter or become too overbearing even a good kid will rebel. It’s just a T-shirt after all and both mom and daughter should try to reach a compromise. Let her get a Lynard Skynard or Black Sabbath or an AC/DC shirt instead… ‘No means no, because I said so’ is in my opinion a poor answer for a child..especially a teen. We all teach from our mistakes..but don’t short change your kid’s need to be an individual in the process.

  13. Let her wear it. I would Respect and Love her for that ( even if i dont know her). Its nice to see, there are still People, who know, whats Real Music, specially, if shes only 16 years.

  14. What is the message it sends? Does it really? Not necessarily. But if you determine it is indeed sending a “bad” message it must be bad for both kids or it is sexist.

  15. let her wear the shirt we did when we was her age at least she chose oldies in rock lol

  16. The daughter should learn better conflict resolution skills, but yes, the mom is being sexist and unfair.

  17. Overreacting is an undestatement in this situation. Let your daughter wear what she wants. She is going to be out there in the adult world needing to make her own decisions. If your daughter can’t even make a decision on what to wear how do you expect her to survive when she goes to college in two years or gets a job and moves out. Next thing you know you will be driving to her dorm in college to do her laundry. Who cares if people judge her because of what she wears. Maybe she wants the attention and if that’s true then give it to her. Your daughter was also completely right and you are being extremely sexist and kind of sound like a psychopathic mother who is completely overbearing. Overbearing mother like you lead to teenagers who sneak around behind their parents backs doing the the utterly most undesirable things.

  18. I used to wear Metallica t-shirts myself they’re cool! I think as long as there is no nudity or bad language there shouldn’t be any harm. Plus if you let her brother wear them….. I think as long as you have taught your daughter to be respectful of herself and others let her express herself with a concert t-shirt.

  19. First of all your not overreacting your trying to protect your child and thats okay, and i could understand if she was wearing clothes that were “skimpy” or “inappropriate,”but wouldnt it be better for her to stick up for herself when it comes to a t-shirt (something that ultimately does not matter) rather than try to conform to her peers way of thinking? You love your baby girl but she has to be strong enough to withstand some social blows once in a while.

  20. What impression do you think she would be sending? That she enjoys good music by talented musicians?

  21. I find that the mother is absolutely overreacting. Teenage girls especially are constantly bombarded with image issues and a constant desire to feel accepted to the point that they are willing to change themselves. I would feel more proud that the girl shows the strength of character not only to be and look the way she wants, but to embrace that regardless of what others might see. 

    The girl is wearing a Metallica T-shirt. I could understand if it was something demeaning, revealing, or vulgar but I a person could make more poor dress choices than a metal t-shirt.

    For people who are claiming that parents are the authority, being a parent does not make you a ruler. I grew up in a household with a strict father who viewed any kind of questions as “backtalking” and I grew up incredibly resentful for a number of years. Teaching children to be obedient creates sheep rather than well adjusted adults. Please remember that giving your child a reason for why you are punishing them does not mean they have to agree or even accept it. You can still teach them that life isn’t fair without treating them like they need to obey you just because you exist. 

    I am by no means advocating that parents do not have authority and there are absolutely issues that one should put their foot down for. However, wearing a metal t-shirt does not seem like one of those issues. If the mother has an issue with the shirt, she should explain why she believes it’s inappropriate for girls to wear it. If her daughter still wants to, then let her make her own decision on that and be there to guide her on the more important ones.

  22. If I were you, Id let my daughter wear that T – shirt. I see no harm in it. At the end of the day, its only a T – shirt. If my daughter would dress up in tight clothes, wear too much make – up, or pierce herself, at an early age, Id have a problem.

    But for me it seems a bit overreactive to act negatively for this one T – shirt.

    Besides, far too many rules is not a good idea.

  23. ‘ I explained that it’s different for guys and that when a girl wears that type of shirt she gives the wrong impression’ in what way? Its only a t – shirt!Kids wear that stuff all the time, where I live. Its pretty normal amongst many kids to do so.

    I could understand if she started to wear too much make – up(like a face – mask, something some people in the metal/goth – communities wear), or wear tight clothes, but a T – shirt? – No.

  24. You may be able to control what your child can do like if they are allowed to go to parties or if they have thier friends over but you need to allow them to express themselves. What your child wears is and example of expression ( this is coming from a teen)  and you need to allow her to do so. Think of it this way, you could either let hr express herself by wearing a heavy metal shirt or with body art and piercings.

  25. Dear Hurt Genetic Clone     Perhaps you should quit trying to talk to your sister so much and give her some space to work things out within herself.  Just let her know you are there if she needs or wants you and then back off.  If you expect your sister or anyone else to do things for you because you have done for them, you are going to be constantly disappointed.   You need to let go of the idea of “tit for tat”.  You can tell your sister how you feel but don’t expect her or anyone to owe you any favors for your favors for them. 

  26. Parents selfishness and over cautious parent indoctrination.
    They think they can save their kids from the horrors of this world by forbidding to wear a simple TShirt? That is a sick parent. There`s a lot of nice Metallica t shirts out there.
    Seems like this mom is trying to fix her own mistakes by forcing her beliefs and ideals on her daughter.
    I say let the kid be a kid. Let this teenager express him/herself. But see unlike the parents the kids just wanna enjoy their youth but parents will not let them.
    Who let these horrible people even have kids.

  27. Dear misunderstood mom.

    Congratulations. Your 16 year old kid is already smarter than you are.
    That doesn’t make her a genius, however.
    Yourself, you’re too retarded to have offspring and the world would be a better place without you.

  28. I think that you need to look deeper at your reasons for not letting your daughter wear this type of t-shirt. Saying it gives the wrong impression is far too simplistic. Break down the argument, find the real source of your own fear and deal with it.

  29. Everyone has their own taste in music, and she supports and shows her interest through Metallica shirts. I, being a huge Metallica fan, can say I am glad she has found interest in this band because there are worse ones she could be listening to. They sing of real life problems and situations, and they aren’t vulgar like we see today in many rap and hip-hop songs. Today, teenagers do not accept the “it’s different for guys/girls than it is for guys/girls”, because they were raised with the ideas that “girls can do anything guys can” and “gender equality”. I do agree that people will think not nice things, but clearly she is confident and okay with expressing herself anyways, so you do not have to worry about her getting knocked down or being upset over other’s opinions.
    In all honesty, she is not going to stop liking them or expressing interest in them just because she cannot wear a tshirt. however, I encourage you to sit down and talk with her about why you feel she should not wear the tshirt, and let her express hers, then let her make the choice whether or not to wear it. This will help her with real decision making on controversial choices and give you two a deeper understanding of eachother. I wish you the best!

  30. I wore heavy metal concert shirts my entire youth while growing up. The only ones who passed judgement on me were uptight religious people. My shirts did not define me and I would gladly tell anyone that who questioned my wearing the shirt.
     I did not do drugs, nor did I break the law or get into trouble and I now own my own business and my kids enjoy wearing my old vintage concert shirts and like a lot of the same music I did growing up..
    Anyone who judges someone for a band shirt has deeper problems than their beliefs on someone’s choice of attire.

  31. Your daughter should absolutely be able to wear heavy metal merch! Everyone is always telling kids these days that it’s ok to be who you are, be an indivdual and not be scared to show what you believe in, but then when a female expresses an interest in music it’s not ok? I am a 16 year old girl, and Metallica is my favourite band, too. I wear all heavy metal tshirts (Metallica, Iron Maiden, ACDC, Avenged Sevenfold, etc) and wear all black, thich chain necklaces, spikey wrist bands and a whole bunch of crosses. I am often discriminated against, but music is my passion. I have a boys hair cut (often spiked) and wear thich black eyeliner nail polish and black, but it’s who I am. It isn’t sending the wrong message to anyone. I have never got any inappropriate comments or gestures. If anything, I have people scared of me until they get to know me, which is helpful at this age when you’re walking home by yourself or something. No one wants to attack someone with spikes on their wrists! And it’s not worshiping the devil or satan…Like i said, I wear alot of crosses and still attened church, and heavy metal music really is very religious. Metallica especially, have many quotes from the bible, and are very religious. Your daighter is just trying to find out who she is. It is to be commended that she is willing to stand up for who she is inside, which is better than being a closet head banger, too scared to show herself. There’s nothing wrong with Metallica, and it is sexist letting her brother wear band merch and not her. My brother and I even share our clothes, as we share our passion for music. You should try and support your daughter through this.

  32. I just want to add to what the others have said. Trying to understand WHY she wants to sport a metallica t shirt is a good starting point, I would think. Often it’s a need to be admired/accepted / courted or something else. Once you understand that you will be in a position to share your concerns about why it’s not a good idea to wear such a t shirt better. Sometimes you have to let them do what they want to do with a warning. It’s like youngsters want to break the rules as it’s a fascination for the out of reach stuff. Good luck. Parenting is tough.

  33. Of course we have people who question everything: they’re called ATHEISTS

  34. When I see a person man or woman wearing a Metallica t-shirt all I think is the like Metallica. You as a parent obviously have opinion about girls who wear Metallica t-shirts. Where did these opinions come from?

  35. I really do not understand the issue here. What sort of impression do you think she is giving by wearing a Metallica t-shirt? I can’t say I have ever looked at a young girl wearing a band shirt and had a negative thought about her (unless it’s a crappy band, of course). It’s just a band. Would you rather have her wear something low cut that shows off her cleavage? 

    I simply cannot stand the double standards that people have for boys and girls. You can give me your reasons til you’re blue in the face… it doesn’t make it any less true. It’s unfair and, in my opinion, it’s poor parenting. It leads children to believe one child is favored over the other. This can have a devastating effect on your children well into adulthood. All things equal, your daughter should have just as many “rights” as your son… and vice versa. Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean that everything you say is right and that your children have no right to question you or ask “why.” Children deserve to be respected. Just because they are young doesn’t make them any less human. 

  36. Parents are authority,yes, but that comment about genders was sexist and unfair. I’ve taken all my brother’s skate shirts and baggy jeans. I wear what I want because I’m my own person. And I’ll tell you, it hurts when comments like this are made. I’ve always worn the steriotypical “boyish” shirts, and I’ll tell you, I need support. It sounds like your daughter needs your support on her clothing choices.

    Just think. Because I know this from experience with my mom.

    Would you rather her wear what she wants and be comfortable and happy with herself? And be happy with you, too?

    or would you rather her not wear it, and not feel comfortable in her own skin? And be unhappy? an angry or feeling like she has no gender rights or freedoms in that matter?

    I hope I cleared some of this up. Remember, support, support, support! 

  37. I think this is rediculous… It’s metallica for crying out loud…
    Wait until she wears a Six Feet Under, Cannibal Corpse or Deicide shirt, then say it’s bad.

  38. She’s sixteen years old and I say good for her for not caring what others think.  Sixteen is where they can make decisions for themselves.  It’s not the end of the world, and if you let this one go, she might be more flexible with you for your other demands.

  39. What do you mean a girl ‘gives the wrong impression?’ by wearing the t.shirt? And yet you let your son wear similar t.shirts?! That is extremely offensive and irresponsible behavior on your behalf. You come across as extremely sexist and irrational, your attitude will (justifiably in my opinion) provoke rebelling and lack of respect with your daughter. You are a silly woman.

  40. Honestly, I’m interested to see what wrong impression a Metallica t-shirt would give. I’m a female and a fan of Metallica, along with several other heavy-metal bands, and have never had anyone question my character. The only judgement I’ve gotten from others is that I’m unique or edgy, both of which are completely fine with me. Not letting your daughter express herself now in such a harmless way may have harder-to-handle conseqences down the road. And, as a side note, if your daughter is anything like me, nott giving her a better explanation will fuel any rebellious fire that’s already there.

  41. I think as long as she lives under your house, she has to dress like a lame-o with uptight parents. 

  42. Let her where the shirt! We look back at how society overreacted with Elvis. The shirt represents nothing except an advertisement to a band. A freedom of expression let’s a person enjoy who they become. If you start making her look down on people for the clothes they wear what are you really reaching her?

  43. I can’t believe people even agree with this. Blatant sexism is never okay. You don’t even seem to have an actual reason for not allowing your daughter to wear her Metallica shirt. It would be different if she wanted to go to school in a negligee, but if I were your daughter, I would set you on fire.

  44. I can’t believe people even agree with this. Blatant sexism is never okay. You don’t even seem to have an actual reason for not allowing your daughter to wear her Metallica shirt. It would be different if she wanted to go to school in a negligee, but if I were your daughter, I would set you on fire.

  45. By not affording your daughter the same treatment you did your son (letting him wear the shirts but not her), you are demonstrating to her that females should be treated differently than males because they are weaker, more fragile, and less capable of handling themselves.  You are effectively sending her back to the 1950’s and destroying her self-confidence in the process.  If someone makes a disparaging remark to her about a rock band t-shirt, she has a few choices: ignore it, reply with a suitably snarky comeback and go on about her business, or if it truly bothers her, stop wearing the shirt.  In any case, her decision will have very little to do with you-it is, after all, about HER. Sorry to be so blunt, but you only have two years left with her until she is on her own in the world. Let the girl breathe and figure some aspects of life out for herself!

  46. Why should wearing a metal tee give a bad impression? Metal is awesome. It doesn’t make a difference that she is female. I am a female metal head. If you are referring to the stereotype that female metal head’s have loose morals, well that simply is not true. She should be allowed to express her music taste. I don’t really see the problem.

  47. It is different when a girl wears a band shirt than a guy. it is 1000x cooler. Sure people would judge her but if she is anything like the rest of metal heads she would love the faces she gets the same face i get when i drive by blating death metal. One thing people do not understand is the reason why we love metal is that we can relate the lyrics, the instruments and the feeling help us remember we are not alone. It is natural that all of us want to show we are part of the community. Metalheads are a family and we are proud, let her wear the shirt let her be apart of something. 

  48. If your daughter actually likes heavy metal and bands like Metallica then she should support them by wearing the tshirt BUT if you let her wear them when she knows nothing about the bad or the music then the only “impression” or “statement” she will give out is “I’m an idiot”.

  49. There is no explanation needed because there is nothing wrong with her wanting to wear a Metallica shirt. Don’t prevent her from being herself.  And buy her a guitar if she likes Metal! 
    Listen to Dyers Eve by Metallica and make sure you read the lyrics!!  m/ 

  50. Really it’s a metallica t-shirt what’s all the fuss… you should be happy you’re daughter has a mind of her own and doesn’t let society define her. RIGHT ON

  51. You are waaay too uptight!  Have you ever listened to a Metallica lyric?  What do you want her to wear, a Pat Boone T-shirt?!?  How about HazMat suit?  What century are you from?  Do you want to raise a repressed dork who is made fun of because her mom dresses her in bows and unicorns – AT AGE 16!???!?  It’s a band T-shirt, not a stripper outfit.  Lighten up!

  52. you only fear that your daugther hanging with metalheads. she will even if you prohib her. and thats very unfair indeed if your son was allowed to. its only a phase, i doubt she will wear that kind of shirt till her 30years

  53. im 17 and i have MANY band shirts including 3 MetallicA shirts, its just a shirt

  54. I usually don’t speak up on issues, but I have to say I side with the daughter.  Mom was being sexist and unfair. What does that teach her daughter?  If mom thought it was inappropriate for daughter, it should have been inappropriate for son also.  I commend the daughter for saying she couldn’t care less about what others had to say about her if she wore those types of shirts.  To me it shows she’s got a great head on her shoulders.  When my daughter was 10, I was going thru an ugly divorce and my daughter had her own issues.  Although she was a beautiful girl, she was overweight and felt out of place.  She wore baggy guy clothes, then went kinda “Goth”, black nail polish, black clothes and chains.  First and foremost, we always talked about it.  We always have had a very open line of communication.  I told her other people may not see her for the beautiful person she was.  Her reply? Then those kind of people aren’t worth my time.  She didn’t care what others thought of her. Others would give me their opinion, not always nice, but, as long as she was an honor roll student and never caused any trouble, who did it hurt?  No one. It let my daughter express herself and made her a stronger person, by not caring what others thought.  Ten years later, she graduated with Honors from High school, got accepted into a prestigious  college in NY, and was on the Dean’s List  her first year.  I call my daughter unique, and I am very proud of her!

  55. Misunderstood Mom’s problem is not a question of overreacting.  Her problem is that she is hypocritical.  If she believes there are negative connotations between heavy metal groups and girls, then why does she allow her son to promote that? 

  56. Yes, you are overreacting. Your sixteen year old daughter is exploring the world for things she likes. Hard drugs and alcohol are an example of something that might damage her, of which I can fully understand that you wouldn’t approve.
    But she just wants to wear a Metallica shirt. It’s just a way of expression.
    By the way, have you ever listened to Metallica? 
    If you’re worried that their lyrics might have some sort of influence of her, you should be happy she’s not listening to hip hop.
    And since you’ve let her brother wear the shirts, I think she’s right saying it’s unfair.
    Last of all, about this part:
    “She said if people would form an opinion of her based on a t-shirt, she couldn’t care less about what they had to say.”
    I would be so happy if my daughter would say wise words like that to me. 

  57. I’m not a parent and I’m infertile and I do not really understand your situation at all.  I’m thinking have her brothers take her to a concert telling them they are to look out for their sister and make arrangements to hide some where I understand that teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and I understand that you are terrified but she will probably buy a shirt hide it some where and do it anyway so I’m thinking you should simply let her see what it is like with appropriate guarding.  If it gives her a headache she hates it and doesn’t like that at all then at least she knows that is not her so it’s like clothing shopping she is trying on things now and trying to figure everything out.  I think ease off and maybe spend time with her doing activities she likes.  Remember all the silly things you did when you were that age and try to remember that she is struggling the same way she is now and a little prayer never did hurt anything.  I recommend you should pray with your spouse and maybe eat something you both like then discus your worries with him he’s supposed to be the one you wanted to keep so why not talk to him about what you are scared of he loves her too have you even considered how he feels?  Like in the car or on a walk then both of you decide together and give her your concern about that to tell her you are terrified someone will hurt or take advantage of her.  Metallic seems very depressing maybe she is sad.  I would find a decent counselor in case because the time to select a decent plumber is before the sink explodes not after the basement is flooded and then the sink explodes.  The worst out come is she might be depressed so you need a decent counselor also I have a feeling you are scared so best thing to do is to get another adult she would be comfortable talking to who won’t hurt her.  Then tell her you are scared of what might happen to her and tell her what you are afraid of both of you and then you pray as a family and go to bed.  So she understands that both of you love her and goes to sleep thinking about what you said and you go to sleep thinking about what she and her brothers said and they decide that they need to look out for their sister.  Any way I think she’s in god’s hands now.  

  58. I think that you should let your daughter wear the shirt. I am a teenager and I completely agree with her. Even though I get along with my parents well and follow rules I think that parents should understand that teens just want to express themselves. I think that you should keep in mind that your daughter is not asking to dye her hair purple or to get a tattoo. I also think that you should try not to compare your daughter to her brother. My mother does this to me all the time and it frustrates me deeply. I want my independence and I want my own name, I do appreciate being compared to my brother or anyone else. I understand what you are saying that her wearing the shirt gives the wrong impression. However I also would like to bring out that people have a preconcieved thought of you regardless of what shirt you are wearing, people judge you by the look you have on your face. So yes even though a shirt may cause people to think or remark certain things, I would not like it bother me, and I would bring it out to my parents attention the point above.

  59. It’s a matter of what are you teaching your child by denying or allowing something. If you provide no proper justification for denying something, you are teaching your child that if people in position of authority do not provide justification for treating them in a fashion they consider unfair they should not protest or require an explanation, and that is not a lesson you want your teenager to take away from that situation.

     If you believe that people’s opinions are more important than your daughter feeling comfortable with wearing clothes that express herself, then you should bluntly tell her so and that might spark a discussion that is much more productive than a straight-out denial. 

    Again, it is all about what your child will take away from your reaction. I believe denying her to wear a Metallica shirt without a reasonable, absolutely rational (don’t lie to yourself thinking that the explanation you provided in your commentary is completely rational) is only making her think that you are an unreasonable person and she would rather hide her true sentiments than share them with you.

  60. Dear Misunderstood Mom,

    If  the only thing your daughter is
    wearing is a Metallica t-shirt then you might have something to worry
    about.  The fact that she wants to wear one and is actually listening to
    your opinion about it is your first clue that she respects you.  She
    actually sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and a level of
    self-esteem that many girls lack.  She is discovering who she is and wants to express herself.  Give her a non-sexist reason why you have concerns about her wearing the shirt.  Then let her know you know trust her.  Let her decide whether to wear it or not. There will be much more important matters that she will need your firmer guidance on.

  61. Let her wear the shirt, she’s expressing her individuality rather.than being like everyone else, there is nothing wrong with that.

  62. Let her west the shirt, she’s expressing her individuality rather than being like everyone else, there is nothing wrong with that.

  63. As a “dark” young adult myself, I know where this girl and her mother are both coming from. There’s a stigma attached (unfairly, I might add) to those who prefer metal over pop; that they’re all drug addicts, or, in the case of girls, that they’re promiscuous. From my experience (and trust me, I have plenty of it), the girls I’ve met who wore metal band shirts are almost always the kindest and most caring. Now, I don’t know what “the wrong impression” is, but surely judging a t-shirt gives an even worse impression. Let the girl wear what she wants to, mom. It won’t hurt you, and it certainly won’t hurt her to feel comfortable in her own clothes.

  64. Dear Stuck…I tell all my neices and nephews that they can tell me ANYTHING and that I won’t tell their parents UNLESS it’s Life threatening. This way the kids have an older outlet without any parent freaking out or lecturing.Their parents are at ease because they know their child is talking to a responsible adult who will do their best to listen and yet will inform them if there is something going on that is life threatening. I encourage the kids to tell mom and dad what’s going on though. Hope this helps

  65. You are totally over reacting. Usually what happens when our teens want to do something to fit in, is they do it…get it out of their system and move on to the next trend. It’s when the parent forbids something is when the anger sets it. Pretend it’s no big deal….I guarantee she will be dressing in tight jeans heels and tank tops before you know it…..

  66. You have to choose your battles. If your daughter is a good kid, gets good grades and doesn’t
    get in trouble, then let her wear the shirt and save your fight for a more serious battle.

  67. Personally, I agree with your daughter.
    Make a standard rule that both have to follow.
    As long as they live under your roof they need to follow your guidelines.
    School dress codes have to be followed or they are sent home from school!
    When they purchase something, get them to show you before they wear it!
    When the final decision is made they can return it or keep it and enjoy!
    If only life was this simple !

  68. As long as the t-shirts your daughter wants to wear are not derogatory in any way and simply have a “metal band name” on them, then let her sport that look. It sounds like you have a very bright daughter and you need to really listen to what she is saying. Usually its the parents that would make the comments your daughter did. Instead of signing  (misunderstood mom) you should have signed  (close-minded mom)

  69. Dear Misunderstood, 
    Here is my concern: your daughter is going to wear these Metallica t-shirts one way or the other. If she doesn’t do it now, then she will wait and wear them when she gets to college, when you aren’t there to look out for her. Now, there are two possible outcomes: 1) you are right, or 2) you are wrong. If you are wrong, then it’s not that big of a deal if she wears these shirts, starting now. But if you are right, I think it would be a worse thing for her to start wearing these shirts when she gets to college than for her to start wearing them now. I say this because now, you can observe and be  there for her in case something goes wrong. But in college, it would be a lot easier for her to hide things from you until it is too late and something far worse than wearing the wrong t-shirt has happened. (I say this, because I know. I have been that daughter. I made choices in college which I deeply regret, which might have been less likely to happen if my parents had let me have a little more freedom in high school.) So give her some freedom to be herself and make her own choices. She is fast becoming an adult; now is the time to start giving her advice rather than orders.

  70. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  71. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  72. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  73. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  74. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  75. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  76. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  77. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  78. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  79. Wait, what kind of impression does it put off? I wore band tshirt and baggy pants growing up. I’m a 30 yr old mom who still rocks a band t. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Your daughter is right if they are forming an opinion based on her shirt then what they have to say isn’t important. Keep in mind you are doing the exact thing she thinks is wrong. So now not only are you a mean mom but you are forming a opinion based on someone wearing a tshirt. How would you like it if someone judge you for your hair cut? or your mom jeans?

  80. I believe that at sixteen years old, she should be able to wear what she likes within reason. Of course you’re not going to let her leave the house wearing a mini skirt and fishnets, but a Metallica t-shirt or any other heavy metal band shirt does no harm at all. Let her express herself within reason or she’ll definitely grow up to resent you and might reject authority figures altogether. 

  81. Express your concerns but leave the decision to her. Your days of controlling her every move are over. As your control wanes you’ll want to have your voice heard. That wont happen if she feels overpowered — she’ll defy you just because she can. Time to start letting go and trust your previous 16 years of investment.

  82. Express your concerns but leave the decision to her. Your days of controlling her every move are over. As your control wanes you’ll want to have your voice heard. That wont happen if she feels overpowered — she’ll defy you just because she can. Time to start letting go and trust your previous 16 years of investment.

  83. Relax. At least she wants to wear full clothes that don’t show too much and aren’t permanent fixtures on her body. Lots of girls have worn all fashions through the ages and have grown out of them. Id be proud of her for not caving to peer opinion to be super girlie and dress like movie/rock stars that often dress too old for their age. Rock music is a true source of non cookie cutter creativity.

  84. Relax. At least she wants to wear full clothes that don’t show too much and aren’t permanent fixtures on her body. Lots of girls have worn all fashions through the ages and have grown out of them. Id be proud of her for not caving to peer opinion to be super girlie and dress like movie/rock stars that often dress too old for their age. Rock music is a true source of non cookie cutter creativity.

  85. Relax. At least she wants to wear full clothes that don’t show too much and aren’t permanent fixtures on her body. Lots of girls have worn all fashions through the ages and have grown out of them. Id be proud of her for not caving to peer opinion to be super girlie and dress like movie/rock stars that often dress too old for their age. Rock music is a true source of non cookie cutter creativity.

  86. As a a teenage girl myself, I would say that you are overreacting. While you may not agree with her taste in heavy metal band t-shirts, you have to ask yourself why you did not have the same reaction when her brother wore similar clothing. Simply telling her that “it’s different for guys” is not enough. If you allowed her brother to wear such shirts, then you should really extend the same courtesy to your daughter. A difference in gender is not a reason to prohibit a teen from expressing themselves. Would you ask a boy to stop wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt just because “it sends the wrong message”? What message exactly are you afraid your daughter might send? Forcing her not to wear shirts showing her interest in heavy metal won’t change the fact that she likes the music.

  87. If the biggest problem you have with a 16 year old daughter is whether or not to let her wear a band tee shirt (and she’s fully clothed!) I say consider yourself lucky and let her!

  88. Two phrases come to mind. 1. Be honest. 2. Choose your battles.
    1. Just be real. Kids respond to the open honesty of adults, as apposed to do’s and don’ts, Maybe what you can say is that what you are really feeling is your nervousness about your daughter exposing herself as a certain image. Maybe apologize for setting what looks like double standards between her and her brother. Just share what is at your heart level for not liking the shirt and reaffirm her as the beautiful daughter that she is.
    2. Choose your battles. If your daughter is a pretty good kid, and this is her little “stepping out”, then let her do it! She could find much bigger things to fight about. As long as she knows your heart, what’s behind your concern, then give HER the choice, you may be surprised at the results. 

  89. At 16, one of the most important things is to feel as though you are beginning to take control of your life. Did you raise your daughter well? To make smart, informed decisions? Please allow your daughter to wear band t-shirts. Explaining why you think it’s a bad idea, but then allowing her to make the decision for herself is a much more powerful, and empowering response than just saying “no”. If your daughter doesn’t like the responses that she gets from wearing the shirt, she will change the way she dresses. Giving her the freedom to learn and experience from something as harmless as wearing a band t-shirt is huge for a 16 year old. Taking that freedom from her only shows her that you don’t trust the values you have instilled in her in those 16 years that you have raised her.

  90. Relevant metal lyrics: “Father, there’s a little flower, beautiful and different, all alone. ‘Is it so, dad, I’m not supposed to make the world anew and be like you? Am I you?’ Give me the gift to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something; I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something. You made it clear right from the start, I am to take your sour heart within — one sad day. But I will never teach my son embittered history, tried and true, ’cause I’m not you. I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something. Give me eyes so I see, give me ears so I hear, give me love so I know what love is, give me the freedom to think, to believe in something. So give me the gift to hear, to see, the love, the freedom to choose the things I feel, to be right for the world you leave me; give something. I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something.” (Sonata Arctica, I Have A Right)

    TL;DR: treat your kids with respect, yo.

  91. Relevant metal lyrics: “Father, there’s a little flower, beautiful and different, all alone. ‘Is it so, dad, I’m not supposed to make the world anew and be like you? Am I you?’ Give me the gift to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something; I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something. You made it clear right from the start, I am to take your sour heart within — one sad day. But I will never teach my son embittered history, tried and true, ’cause I’m not you. I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something. Give me eyes so I see, give me ears so I hear, give me love so I know what love is, give me the freedom to think, to believe in something. So give me the gift to hear, to see, the love, the freedom to choose the things I feel, to be right for the world you leave me; give something. I have a right to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be free, to be everything I need, to be me, to be safe, to believe in something.” (Sonata Arctica, I Have A Right)

    TL;DR: treat your kids with respect, yo.

  92. Misunderstood Mom should lighten up on her daughter. It could be a lot worse, she could be wearing “belly shirts” and low cut jeans with her thong showing. She is 16 and you will only be able to control her for two more years, so don’t turn her against you now when she could be making some  important decisions that will affect the rest of her life.

  93. She should lighten up on the t-shirt. However, what is more scary, is that there are too many parents who let there children do whatever they want to do and THEY vote!,

  94. This is a joke, right? There’s not really a mother in this day and age that thinks her 16 year old daughter is flirting with trouble because she wants to wear heavy metal band shirts, is there?

    1. Nope, not a joke. There are moms out there like this and they VOTE too! Scary thought!

  95. This issue is more of  “misunderstood”,  than her 16 year olds’ dilemma.  “misunderstood” doesn’t understand her own reasons.  If she can not clarify to herself what the rule is,  how can she expect a teenager to understand it enough to respect and follow the rule.  I don’t see any reason for a band T-shirt to influence anyone’s opinions in any way.  She is letting friends and foes alike know her taste in music.   She is proudly displaying what she likes, a positive characteristic in anyone.
    The shirts are harmless to her.  Your lack of understanding yourself could be far more harmful to her than any t-shirt!

    Allowing her brother to wear them and not her sends the wrong message to both.  And another message that shows your own lack of self-respect.  We teach respect by example starting with our own self-respect. (you can’t respect another if you don’t respect yourself).  Without a good example for young children – teenagers – young adults, they will struggle with their own for a lifetime.

    A reply stated “Children are not little adults.”….. what a horrific thought……infants are not little adults, but children educated  to be adults in an adult world.  We expect manners in public and at home just as adults do…..etc.  Children are our future.  

  96. This issue is more of  “misunderstood”,  than her 16 year olds’ dilemma.  “misunderstood” doesn’t understand her own reasons.  If she can not clarify to herself what the rule is,  how can she expect a teenager to understand it enough to respect and follow the rule.  I don’t see any reason for a band T-shirt to influence anyone’s opinions in any way.  She is letting friends and foes alike know her taste in music.   She is proudly displaying what she likes, a positive characteristic in anyone.
    The shirts are harmless to her.  Your lack of understanding yourself could be far more harmful to her than any t-shirt!

    Allowing her brother to wear them and not her sends the wrong message to both.  And another message that shows your own lack of self-respect.  We teach respect by example starting with our own self-respect. (you can’t respect another if you don’t respect yourself).  Without a good example for young children – teenagers – young adults, they will struggle with their own for a lifetime.

    A reply stated “Children are not little adults.”….. what a horrific thought……infants are not little adults, but children educated  to be adults in an adult world.  We expect manners in public and at home just as adults do…..etc.  Children are our future.  

  97. what impression, exactly, does the t-shirt give?  i would be thankful that it’s a t-shirt & not a revealing decolletage (thank you, rd “word power”!).  you are going to have much bigger fish to fry w/your daughter in the upcoming years & you’ll have to choose your battles.

  98. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    Teenagers are strange entity unto themselves, but she has a point. If brother can wear a profane shirt why can’t she? It’s not that people, mainly adults, will think less of her for wearing the shirt, it’s that there is a double standard and she sees it!
    Metallica, and bands like them, are to your 16 year old what Aerosmith, Motown, and similar bands were to us. An innocent form of rebellion. I’m sure she would look nicer in a nice skirt and blouse, but wearing a t-shirt isn’t going to kill her or you. Help her pick out the shirts. That way you can control, some what, the graphics and fit. Don’t make this a battlefield, make it an exercise in bonding.
    You might want to use a little of the same technique on brother.

  99. Do you let her listen to the music? Then let her wear the shirt. It’d be different if she was arguing about a skirt of inappropriate length or clothing with offensive or vulgar graphics. It sounds to me like your issue is over her being less feminine (that’s the only reason I can see behind the disagreement) and that’s simply stifling her form of expression. If she wears the shirt and she hears people talking about her in a bad way because of it, she’ll discontinue her interest in such apparel on her own. Some things just have to be learned the hard way.

  100. Do you let her listen to the music? Then let her wear the shirt. It’d be different if she was arguing about a skirt of inappropriate length or clothing with offensive or vulgar graphics. It sounds to me like your issue is over her being less feminine (that’s the only reason I can see behind the disagreement) and that’s simply stifling her form of expression. If she wears the shirt and she hears people talking about her in a bad way because of it, she’ll discontinue her interest in such apparel on her own. Some things just have to be learned the hard way.

  101. You must pick your battles and this one isn’t worth the fight. Mom should at least compromise and let her daughter wear them on the week ends.

  102. You must pick your battles and this one isn’t worth the fight. Mom should at least compromise and let her daughter wear them on the week ends.

  103. I am the mother of a son (8-years-old) who could care less if he wore pajamas to school, but I know this will be an issue in a couple years.  My sense is appropriateness, regardless of gender.  If there is blood and gore and violence or sexual context-suggested material on it, kids high school and younger shouldn’t probably be wearing it.  I am not a personal fan of “metal” t-shirts even though I have a few from friends as gifts from concerts over the years, but the ones I have mostly just have the band’s name on it written in some kind of gothic font and lot’s of color…Still, Mom is Mom and as long as you are the parent, you have to set the tone for your kids.  Maybe as a suggestion, find compromises of appropriate times to wear those shirts and be consistent?

  104. I am all for parents setting limits for their children however it is your reasoning that concerns me. You are not teaching your daughter about fashion. Your are teaching her that it is acceptable to be considered “less than” to her male counterparts in life. What a sad thing to teach a 16 year old girl. As long as what she is choosing to wear is not publically offensive, ie. Obscene, racist, allow her to express herself as she chooses. Tell her your concerns about public perception but let her choose her own fashion statements. Your job is only to help her learn to make good decisions for herself, not make them for her.

  105. Just buy the same T-shirt for yourself or the whole family.  Tell her we can wear it together will be the rule.  Kids think stuff is cool until a parent does it.  I remember asking my dad why he drove so slow.  He immediately started driving the other way and I was so embarrassed.

  106. I understand where you are coming from. My 13 years-old stepdaughter dresses in black clothes and a rocker style which I truly dislike. However, teens need to experiment in order to form their own identities which most times won’t be to our liking. After all, our children are individuals not an extension of ourselves. I think the more we oppose, the more they will want to do what we dislike. Let her wear those clothes and she will experience other people’s feedback and in the end decide if that is the kind of attention she wants to get. It’s a phase, it will pass. BTW, my opinion would be very different if you said that she wanted to wear skimpy clothes, that would simply be inappropriate.

  107. I don’t understand the issue with the daughter wearing Band T’s. She is trying to express herself. If she isn’t wearing the band T’s to formal engagements or church.. and they don’t have profanity on them, what the harm? I am a mother of 3 kids, and they are all allowed to wear band T’s and choose their own clothing, as long as it is in dress code and doesn’t advocate drug use. or alcohol. And, fyi, all three of my kids, are honor roll. 

    As for “Metallica” being mentioned, I can’t think of a better metal band TO WEAR. Before you judge a band based solely on the fact that they are metal, you should read up on them. They have been clean for more then 10 years ( NO Drugs), half the band has kids and have been married to the same women for years. They are currently working with the FBI and local police offering a $45000 reward for information leading to the arrest of a person who abducted and killed one of their fans after a concert a few years ago.  How many bands can say all that? I think MisunderstoodMom, needs to re-evaluate her battles with her daughter and realize that if band t’s are the worst of her problems, she’s lucky. Her Daughter could be doing far far worse.

  108. I’d say you better pick your battles. If you don’t let her wear the shirt she will roll it up in a backpack or purse and put it on when you are not watching. REALLY, it’s a shirt not a tattoo, but it will be if you keep trying to control the individuality of a 16 year old.

  109. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    You are, without a doubt, overreacting. Your daughter is the same person you raised her to be no matter what clothing she wears. You say that it is “different” for a man to wear that type of clothing than a woman. Think about what type of message that sends to your daughter. Metal is a traditionally aggressive, strong and independent form of music and by choosing to show her love of these bands is her way of showing the world she is also a strong and free thinking individual. You are telling your daughter that men are the only ones who are allowed to be strong and independent and that she shouldn’t try to bend the traditional gender roles that society has cast. Would you rather have her wearing skimpy, skin tight clothing? Would that give a better impression to those out there?

    Bottom line: you need to let your teen express herself and find out who she is and where she fits in society. It may just be a phase, who knows?

  110. Even though you want to protect her from bad opinions and such, it can still seem unfair that you’d let her brother, who she sees here as her equal, wear the shirts and not her. She sees it as unfair parenting.
    What I say: You should try a test run. Let your daughter wear one of the shirts for a day and see how it turns out. Perhaps she’s just trying to be rebellious, or maybe she really wants to support the band(s). Most likely, there won’t be any problem and you were just over-reacting.

  111. Take it from a grandma…you will look back on this when your daughter is grown and wonder why you got upset about such a little thing.  If the shirt is not obscene, let her wear it. You can give her rules about where and when she can wear it.  Choose your battles wisely.  Every generation has their own style. 

  112. Your daughter is 16 and will probably make a lot of choices you don’t agree with. Look at the whole picture. If it is just the tee-shirts that are the problem then make a compromise and lay down some ground rules. She can wear them when her dress is casual such as on weekends or at home relaxing-not for places where more appropriate dress is expected such as school or church. We all have our own style and she is just developing hers. It could be a fad. If you fight with her it makes it more desirable to a teen. Pick your battles.

  113. Yes, you are overreacting. Your daughter needs to learn on herr own that her actions and desisons affect other people’s opinions of her, negatively and positively, depending on who the person is.

  114. My mom had diffrent rules for boys than girls I found unfair and still do rules should be made for the child not the gender I think that maybe this mom is worried about the fact that people believed back when heavy metal was popular that girls who were into it sleep around and did drugs and drank I knew girls who did all that and listened to the type of music you find on Disney Radio I also knew girls who were in to metal and DID NOT  get involved in illegal or immoral life style choices I wore Motley Crue ,Poison, Guns-n-Roses, and Ozzy  T-shrits and turned out fine  so I say let her wear it shes’s not wanting to wear  the lastest hookers r us look that is all over T.V lately

  115. As a teenage girl who likes many kinds of music, I can see from the viewpoint of your daughter. You SHOULD explain to her in more detail as to why you won’t be letting her wear certain shirts. After all, she deserves to know why she isn’t being allowed something, even if she won’t understand the reason why. These shirts don’t have to have bad images all the time, though. The shirt, after all, is worn to show others what the shirt’s wearer likes. This means that you could ask her to meet you halfway with the design of the shirt; She can pick the band whose shirt she likes, and you can tell her which design to pick. This could actually help her feel more comfortable around you. Don’t worry too much, not many people will think of something bad if they see a good girl in a Metallica t-shirt. She has to be bad to be noted as bad. People haven’t fully learned to not judge others by their looks, but a smart person will want to know the person before they judge them. Good luck!~

  116. If she is 16 she is still growing up. At that age she’s still trying to figure out who she is, what her style is, and what she wants to become. She’s going to change her style so many more times in her teenage life. Stopping her from wearing these shirts will only make her want to wear them even more. She’s a teenager. Also, band shirts don’t mean anything anymore. It doesn’t mean she actually listens to them, it’s just a vintage style and other teens understand that. She’s right in saying it doesn’t define who she is. I’m sure soon enough her style will change again. As a parent, you voiced your concern. However, if she wanted to attend a Metallica concert that would be a reason for concern and you would need to put your foot down. 

  117. As a younger person, I think its great your 16 year old doesn’t care about other peoples opinions, it shows that she is able to make her own decisions and wont fall into peer pressure that could actually ruin her reputation, however explain to her about how first impressions can lead to lasting impresssions and how her attitude shouldn’t be hand in hand with her music choice, this is the age where music is very influential for kids … But let her dress and express herself openly , just make sure your there to guide her

  118.  OMG.  This is such a trivial topic, I can’t believe it’s actually an issue with you.  I have been a looong time heavy metal fan, and I wore Metallica and Ozzy shirts when I was a teen, which was right before they started to need prunes and Metamucil to make it through to showtime. What I see is a mom being sexist and having a double standard, by allowing a boy to wear something and not a girl. I never had an iota of mistreatment, whether I was wearing a band tee or a pretty dress. Heavy metal, while remaining a subculture in its own right, is no longer a stereotype of people.  I know of business people and detectives who like the music and even play it themselves. The message used to be of proud pariahs, standing up against The Man.  Now they play Judas Priest and Ozzy in CAR COMMERCIALS, ok?   While I do lament the loss of our primary driving force in our music (We’re not gonna take it!),  I fail to see where donning a Metallica or Black Sabbath shirt is going to ruin her life.  I am now the mother of two special needs children, have always been steadily employed,  have been with my boys’ father since about a year before the first came along, and I have been a Cub Scout Leader,  and done volunteer work.  As long as she’s not wearing the tees to a job interview (that’s a given that it would be inappropriate there), and she is aware that the lyrics to some songs aren’t necessarily relevant to reality (except the artist’s maybe :p) , I don’t understand your hangup.  Let her wear the tee shirts and argue over something that’s worth the time.

  119. Choose your battles. I raised my two daughters in the same way, and they are radically different. Sometimes when teens choose alternative styles of dress and hair, etc., they are simply differentiating from their parents, the primary objective of that period. Unfortunately, sometimes kids who seem troubled by their appearance, may be having self-esteem issues, problems at home or school that could lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If this 16-year-old seems well-adjusted and there are no red flags, I would not object to her clothing choices.

  120. Choose your battles. I raised my two daughters in the same way, and they are radically different. Sometimes when teens choose alternative styles of dress and hair, etc., they are simply differentiating from their parents, the primary objective of that period. Unfortunately, sometimes kids who seem troubled by their appearance, may be having self-esteem issues, problems at home or school that could lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If this 16-year-old seems well-adjusted and there are no red flags, I would not object to her clothing choices.

  121. Choose your battles. I raised my two daughters in the same way, and they are radically different. Sometimes when teens choose alternative styles of dress and hair, etc., they are simply differentiating from their parents, the primary objective of that period. Unfortunately, sometimes kids who seem troubled by their appearance, may be having self-esteem issues, problems at home or school that could lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If this 16-year-old seems well-adjusted and there are no red flags, I would not object to her clothing choices.

  122. Encourage her individuality. Let her make her own decisions and she will grow out of it. Force her to conform and she is sure to rebel

  123. What the tee says is not as important as what the wearer does. Let her be herself.

  124. I don’t think it’s wise to teach your daughter that it’s ok for people to give certain rights to boys and withhold them from girls just because of gender. I think that at 16 if she’s not old enough to make clothing choices, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than tee shirts!  That said, whether it’s a cool rock tee shirt or a tank with too skinny straps, you’re her mother, you make the final call.

  125. Well, after all, she IS your daughter. So why don’t you have some mother- daughter talk? The key is to start by talking about a topic which she feels comfortable chatting about- such as your dog, or her wardrobe, boyfriend, etc. Then you should bring up the T- Shirt. Don’t talk about it like you still have a strong opinion, no matter what you think. But also ask her to explain her point of the story. Maybe there’s a reason she wants to wear that shirt, other than supporting the band. Maybe it’s a fad and she wants to fit in (lots of teenagers struggle with that one) or she wants to prove to someone that females are equal to males. Whatever it is, find that out and talk about it. If your opinions still remain the same, ask yourself why you don’t think this is such a good idea and if it’s for a silly or unreasonable reason, let her wear one. better yet, go shopping together. Maybe there’s a shirt which you both can agree on.

  126. You should be glad to know that your daughter is matured enough to understand that appearances are deceptive. She doesn’t want to give a wrong impression to others by dressing herself the way they expect her to look like. She knows very well where she is going. This also gives us an idea of how she is going to judge others – she cares a pin for others’ appearances – she knows the importance of the actual inner beauty, which has nothing to do with the so called “impressions”.
    I guess it is a good idea to let her wear the T-shirt she wants. She will, for sure observe the people around her now and try to see what their reactions are. Why worry about others’ impressions on us are, when they hardly play any role in our lives? People who know us – know us anyway! 

  127. You’re only showing your daughter a double-standard.  Take this opportunity to guide her in allowing her to express herself appropirately.  I agree with the other comments about giving her explanations as well. 

  128. You’re only showing your daughter a double-standard.  Take this opportunity to guide her in allowing her to express herself appropirately.  I agree with the other comments about giving her explanations as well. 

  129. You’re only showing your daughter a double-standard.  Take this opportunity to guide her in allowing her to express herself appropirately.  I agree with the other comments about giving her explanations as well. 

  130. We want and raise our children to be and grow independent yet we often don’t allow them to do just that… learn to be independent. I’ll wager that if the mom created a list of rules her teenage daughter must follow she would be surprised of the number of hoops the young lady must jump through just to make you happy. My advise would be to challenge the 16 year old on just behavior and  her personal choices that affect YOU and allow her to make her own choices for everything else. Then sit back and allow natural consequences to work their magic and once the 16 year old finds that she doesn’t have to go into her young adult life by pushing back on the house rules, she will create her own set of rules that mimic the over protection rules created by the parents.

  131. We want and raise our children to be and grow independent yet we often don’t allow them to do just that… learn to be independent. I’ll wager that if the mom created a list of rules her teenage daughter must follow she would be surprised of the number of hoops the young lady must jump through just to make you happy. My advise would be to challenge the 16 year old on just behavior and  her personal choices that affect YOU and allow her to make her own choices for everything else. Then sit back and allow natural consequences to work their magic and once the 16 year old finds that she doesn’t have to go into her young adult life by pushing back on the house rules, she will create her own set of rules that mimic the over protection rules created by the parents.

  132. We want and raise our children to be and grow independent yet we often don’t allow them to do just that… learn to be independent. I’ll wager that if the mom created a list of rules her teenage daughter must follow she would be surprised of the number of hoops the young lady must jump through just to make you happy. My advise would be to challenge the 16 year old on just behavior and  her personal choices that affect YOU and allow her to make her own choices for everything else. Then sit back and allow natural consequences to work their magic and once the 16 year old finds that she doesn’t have to go into her young adult life by pushing back on the house rules, she will create her own set of rules that mimic the over protection rules created by the parents.

  133. Sorry to say but your in the wrong here.  Music has become a cause for your daughter’s generation.  If you look around you will see more and more band shirts.  Why do you see so many teens with mp3 players?  Think of what it was like when you were younger.  Didn’t you treasure your favorite bands and keep their albums? The impressions that you see connected to a girl wearing a Metallica shirt might be alive to you, but for this new generation it’s a declaration of their interest in common grounds.  Each generation needs a new revolution, and for your daughter’s it is music.  Bands are as important a part of their lives now as the fab four were at the height of Beatlemania.  In any case, is your issue that she wants to wear the shirt, or the fit of the shirt itself?  Which is a better battle to fight?

  134. Are you serious?  What exactly do you think the t-shirt portrays, and how is it different from your son?  As long as the shirts do not have any explicit messages then I do not understand the problem.  Look at it this way: you are in a power struggle over a t-shirt.  This definitely falls into the “pick your battles” category.

  135. Are you serious?  What exactly do you think the t-shirt portrays, and how is it different from your son?  As long as the shirts do not have any explicit messages then I do not understand the problem.  Look at it this way: you are in a power struggle over a t-shirt.  This definitely falls into the “pick your battles” category.

  136. My daughter was the same way at her age. she’s now 24, graduated college and wears the shirts sometimes . They hold youthful memories for her and the other kids that shared her enthusiasm for the band. It depends probably in just how impressionable she is. My daughter just wore them occasionally but it would create a lot of dialogue with her peers.

  137. I would tell your daughter that it is indeed a sexist world. The world will forgive the headstrong male over time but will label the girl. It is much harder for females to regain respectability once it is lost. For males it is a rite of passage. Is it fair? No. But do you really want to die in the battle or live long enough to win the war?

  138. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    Different values and standards for boys and girls?  I thought that went out with my generation!  I am 64 years old.  Have to agree with your daughter, those comments are sexist.  She is a smart girl to realize anyone that judges her by her t-shirt, isn’t seeing the entire picture of who she is.  You should be glad your daughter “aksed” if she could wear a heavy metal T-shirt!  You obviously aren’t concerned about the music she is listening to, only concerned if others judge her by the T-shirt she may wear in support of that music.  Wow, more than sexist going on here.

  139. You’re wrong, she’s right. It is sexist and it is a double standard to allow your son to wear band t-shirts but not allow your daughter to wear them solely because she is a girl. And think about this: what do you consider to be the “wrong” impression? What is the “right” impression? How will a band t-shirt influence the way people see your daughter? I don’t think you’ve explained your case very well.

  140. I’m old enough to be your daughter’s grandmother but your ideas are indeed overreacting.  Your daughter is at the age of finding out just who she is, including the clothes she wears, and your prohibitions are telling her that her self-explorations are wrong.  Having allowed your son those freedoms but not your daughter is, indeed, sexist, and tells her that being female is second-rate.

  141. What I don’t understand is why this is an issue with the mother. Is the daughter getting good grades? Is she staying away from drugs and alcohol? If the daughter is growing up to be a well-adjusted young woman, why should her choice of clothing matter? When I was that age, my mother let me dye my hair purple, pierce my eyebrow, and wear dark clothing (and I still do! I also have a nose piercing and a few tattoos now). Why did she let me do that? Because I worked hard in school, got straight A’s, belonged to an advanced school program, and volunteered in my community. Now, I am a 21-year-old woman pursuing a Master’s Degree. Do I still get judged for my appearance? Of course. Does that get in the way of my success? Of course not! Let the young woman make her own choices, her own mistakes, and her own progress as a human being.

    1. Congratulations on your great academic record!  You must be a very intelligent young lady.
      However, at 21 you still have some maturing to do, as all 21 year olds do.  Along the road to maturation will come some bumps. If you’ve been encouraged to just do your on thing up to now,and fooey on what anybody else thinks, it’s quite likely you’ve not considered the fact you are created in the image of God, and it makes a big difference what He thinks about your life’s direction.  He’s given us the Bible for that guidance. In a prayer, St.Augustine said,”Our hearts are restless until we find our rest in Thee.”  After years of academic success as well as a life of dissipation and imorality, he finally found his “rest”in Christ.  He regretted that he had not found it sooner.  May you know God’s blessing in your life.

      Ken Deaver
      74 years

    2. Congratulations on your great academic record!  You must be a very intelligent young lady.
      However, at 21 you still have some maturing to do, as all 21 year olds do.  Along the road to maturation will come some bumps. If you’ve been encouraged to just do your on thing up to now,and fooey on what anybody else thinks, it’s quite likely you’ve not considered the fact you are created in the image of God, and it makes a big difference what He thinks about your life’s direction.  He’s given us the Bible for that guidance. In a prayer, St.Augustine said,”Our hearts are restless until we find our rest in Thee.”  After years of academic success as well as a life of dissipation and imorality, he finally found his “rest”in Christ.  He regretted that he had not found it sooner.  May you know God’s blessing in your life.

      Ken Deaver
      74 years

  142. I am your 16-year-old daughter…only now I’m almost 40 and about to become a mother myself.
    I was just recently having a conversation with my spouse after coming home from seeing my therapist…on EXACTLY this topic.  It hurts me to be able to completely empathize with your daughter.
    I was approximately 16 when I’d had this same exact issue with my own mother.  She wouldn’t allow me to wear heavy metal tshirts, makeup, feathered hair, etc…..to this day, I am still involved in therapy to sort out the issues of my childhood.  I do not fault either of my parents–I truly believe that they did the best that they could with what they’d had…but I always swore that I would learn from my own experiences in hopes that I could help others (and, in turn, be a better parent).
    By the age of 16, teens need to be allowed to make their own choices–permitting that they are not endangering themselves or others.  Teenagers are in the process of transitioning to adulthood;  as a result, they need to learn from their own choices (whether you view them as good or bad).  If you continue to control your daughter’s behavior, you are only setting her up for a lifetime of disappointment–you can help her to mature by letting go.  I speak from experience.
    You cannot control how other people choose to view them–that’s going to happen regardless of your parenting skills.  People are judgmental by nature; but those who choose to pass judgment based on appearance rather than substance are extremely shallow–and not the type of people who should have an influence on your/your daughter’s lives. 
    I completely agree with your daughter.
    Should you choose to try to control her choices, she may only choose to rebel–and become the person that you’d never imagined she would be.  As for exercising a double-standard within your own home–please reconsider.  I am by no means a feminist, but I believe that teaching children that men and women should be viewed “differently” will only hurt them in the long run.
    Signed,
    Tattooed, Heavy-Metal-Loving, Motorcycle-Riding, Recovering Addict…Mom-to-Be…and Registered Oncology RN!!!

  143. I’m curious as to what you mean when you say the shirt would give the “wrong impression” if a girl wears it.  What kind of impression, or what kind of an opinion of her would people form?  I would see a young lady who enjoys the music of a certain band.  Why is it different for boys to wear a shirt like this?  I believe it’s perfectly fine for her to wear the shirt, plus it’s harmless!

  144. I’m curious as to what you mean when you say the shirt would give the “wrong impression” if a girl wears it.  What kind of impression, or what kind of an opinion of her would people form?  I would see a young lady who enjoys the music of a certain band.  Why is it different for boys to wear a shirt like this?  I believe it’s perfectly fine for her to wear the shirt, plus it’s harmless!

  145. Of course she can wear the tshirts.Where she wears them should be discussed.

  146. “Heavy Metal” does not “bring out the best” in our young people, boys or girls. The “misc” itself, not to mention the words which are discernable, speak of discordance, rebellion, cynicism, and disrespect for authority. You made a mistake allowing your son to advertize this scourge in our culture. Don’t compound it by giving in to your daughter. Explain and emulate your values to your kids, and make it clear that your values will be upheld by their dress and activities as long as you are responsible for them. Be the parent!  Believe me, when they’re grown, they will thank you.

  147. As an only daughter of four children, I highly recommend that you never say “it’s different for guys” because your daughter will grow up to resent that. I’m 57 years old and heard that more often than I care to remember. If you honestly think the shirt will send a bad message then sit down and talk to her about the message it sends from your perspective. Then listen to what she has to say about why she wants to wear it. And when she brings up the fact that her brother was permitted to wear them let her know that in hindsight you probably didn’t make the decision allowing him to wear it. If she still wants to wear it after you’ve given her specifics about your concerns then let her wear it. But find a compromise about when and where she does. Talk about appropriate settings such as a concert and inappropriate settings such as church.

  148. In a word, yes.  Yes, you are overreacting; yes, you are being unfair; yes, you are being sexist; and even more dangerous you as a parent are creating unnecessary sibling rivalry between your two children.

    If something is inappropriate, it’s inappropriate no matter who is wearing it.  I am just as offended of a male, sagging his jeans and exposing his underwear, as I am of a female, whose thong is protruding high above her jean waistband.

    You are being unfair because you permitted one child to wear something that you have forbidden another child to don.  You are being sexist because it just so happens that you have two children of two different genders and while your teenage daughter will eventually understand your perspective when she becomes a mother, the sibling rivalry that you have created, YOU have created, will continue to exacerbate if you continue to have double standards with your children.  As a parent, the only thing more painful than losing a child to an outside force, is losing a child because you favored one over the other.

    While I don’t know how old your son is, I’d say major on the majors; minor on the minors, and set standards that you expect BOTH of your children to adhere.

    Pam O’Connor-Waldecker
    St. Clair Shores, Michigan

  149. Oh, and one more thing – without personally knowing Misunderstood Mom or her daughter, in general I would say, no, you are not overreacting.  But take a chance with the T-shirt if it means that much to her, and hope for the best.  That’s all any of us can do.

  150. I’ve just finished reading all the comments, and WOW, no wonder there are problems in the world!  Some of the responses are very good, and indicate sensible parents who probably still have a good relationship with their children.  Others, holy-cow, I bet you don’t know where your children are if they even still speak to you – you know who you are…  How did religion come into this??  And any child, when given an age-appropriate truthful explanation, will consider it even if they’re stubbornly resisting.  And don’t believe for one moment that they don’t care when they say they don’t care; that’s a self-defense mechanism.  Someone once told me that I should just ‘make’ my 19 year old daughter stop dating a guy who I did not like and knew was no-good for her.  I said “how do I do that without losing her?”, and instead, I told her I loved her and I didn’t want to lose her, and even though I did not like him and never would because of how badly he treated her, I would be civil to him for her sake.  She saw the light on her own, and is today happily married to a great guy.  She might not have known what she wanted, but she learned what she didn’t want.  There are far more important things than that T-shirt that will determine the rest of her life.    

  151. I’ve just finished reading all the comments, and WOW, no wonder there are problems in the world!  Some of the responses are very good, and indicate sensible parents who probably still have a good relationship with their children.  Others, holy-cow, I bet you don’t know where your children are if they even still speak to you – you know who you are…  How did religion come into this??  And any child, when given an age-appropriate truthful explanation, will consider it even if they’re stubbornly resisting.  And don’t believe for one moment that they don’t care when they say they don’t care; that’s a self-defense mechanism.  Someone once told me that I should just ‘make’ my 19 year old daughter stop dating a guy who I did not like and knew was no-good for her.  I said “how do I do that without losing her?”, and instead, I told her I loved her and I didn’t want to lose her, and even though I did not like him and never would because of how badly he treated her, I would be civil to him for her sake.  She saw the light on her own, and is today happily married to a great guy.  She might not have known what she wanted, but she learned what she didn’t want.  There are far more important things than that T-shirt that will determine the rest of her life.    

  152. Choose your battles.  As long as the clothing isn’t offensive, or sexual in nature and provides ample coverage I say go for it.  I want my opinion to matter when she puts on the teeny tiny bikini or a too short dress.

  153. If this young lady is 16 and hasn’t been led away from such as Metallica by now, it’s too late to tell her no, even though it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to wear something with a skull or that says ‘Kill ’em all’.  But, she’s right; there is a double standard since her brother wore such things, and there shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t reined in soon enough, and now mom will have to deal fairly with the sister.  There is a line of Metallica T-shirts for Women online with a few that even I could live with.  Maybe mom could compromise – “yes, but will you let me help you choose it?”   

  154. If this young lady is 16 and hasn’t been led away from such as Metallica by now, it’s too late to tell her no, even though it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to wear something with a skull or that says ‘Kill ’em all’.  But, she’s right; there is a double standard since her brother wore such things, and there shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t reined in soon enough, and now mom will have to deal fairly with the sister.  There is a line of Metallica T-shirts for Women online with a few that even I could live with.  Maybe mom could compromise – “yes, but will you let me help you choose it?”   

  155. If this young lady is 16 and hasn’t been led away from such as Metallica by now, it’s too late to tell her no, even though it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to wear something with a skull or that says ‘Kill ’em all’.  But, she’s right; there is a double standard since her brother wore such things, and there shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t reined in soon enough, and now mom will have to deal fairly with the sister.  There is a line of Metallica T-shirts for Women online with a few that even I could live with.  Maybe mom could compromise – “yes, but will you let me help you choose it?”   

  156. If this young lady is 16 and hasn’t been led away from such as Metallica by now, it’s too late to tell her no, even though it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to wear something with a skull or that says ‘Kill ’em all’.  But, she’s right; there is a double standard since her brother wore such things, and there shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t reined in soon enough, and now mom will have to deal fairly with the sister.  There is a line of Metallica T-shirts for Women online with a few that even I could live with.  Maybe mom could compromise – “yes, but will you let me help you choose it?”   

  157. If this young lady is 16 and hasn’t been led away from such as Metallica by now, it’s too late to tell her no, even though it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to wear something with a skull or that says ‘Kill ’em all’.  But, she’s right; there is a double standard since her brother wore such things, and there shouldn’t be.  Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t reined in soon enough, and now mom will have to deal fairly with the sister.  There is a line of Metallica T-shirts for Women online with a few that even I could live with.  Maybe mom could compromise – “yes, but will you let me help you choose it?”   

  158. The way I see it is that you need to choose your battles when it comes to raising children and especially teenagers. Both of my children are now 25 & 22, & I am so very grateful that I can say with complete honesty that my boys teen years were wonderful, but the only way they turned out that way is because I was blessed with some very Godly women in my life who gave me wonderful advice since they were babies, so the fact that you are humbly seeking help from others is certainly a step in the right direction. One of the pieces of advice I clearly remember was to say YES as much as possible because there will be enough times you have to say “no” – in issues of their safety, abiding by set rules & laws, etc. But, when it comes to what they wear, use the logic of “say yes as much as possible” because there will be many times you will have to say “no” such as when she wants to wear an outfit that is too revealing or a shirt with a distasteful scene or message, or maybe has cuss words, etc. Those are the times you will have to sag NO in my opinion. And one last thing, when you do have to say NO, try hard to say it in a manner that lets them know your heart wants to say yes rather than blearting out a NO that conveys the message that you haven’t really thought about it or that you really don’t care how important their request is to them…to you, its just a waste of your time. Take a few minutes to explain why you feel you have to say no because if they know they are important enough to you that you take time to explain the small stuff, then they will feel more comfortable to come to you with the big stuff. Good luck…be patient, loving, & very picky about when & how you say “no”.

  159. Yes!!! You are overreacting!  A concert t-shirt does not send a message other than she likes the band.  And I’m afraid your opinion is “sexist and unfair”.  A t-shirt with a band name is not the same as some t-shirt with filth or hate on it. 

    Please, let her have the t-shirt.

  160. Teenagers are soon going to be adults. You can’t expect them to not question what a parent is saying. Don’t they have a right to know exactly why something would be a bad idea? The mother doesn’t seem to have any rational justification for not wearing the t-shirts. The t-shirts just express what music the daughter likes, nothing more. Unless the t-shirts have derogatory, racist, or highly offensive materials, I don’t see the problem. I think there is more to this story for the mother to have such a negative reaction to a t-shirt. Is the mother trying to grab the last strings of control? Is the daughter being rebellious in other ways and this is the only thing the mother can control?

  161. Teenagers are soon going to be adults. You can’t expect them to not question what a parent is saying. Don’t they have a right to know exactly why something would be a bad idea? The mother doesn’t seem to have any rational justification for not wearing the t-shirts. The t-shirts just express what music the daughter likes, nothing more. Unless the t-shirts have derogatory, racist, or highly offensive materials, I don’t see the problem. I think there is more to this story for the mother to have such a negative reaction to a t-shirt. Is the mother trying to grab the last strings of control? Is the daughter being rebellious in other ways and this is the only thing the mother can control?

  162. Teenagers are soon going to be adults. You can’t expect them to not question what a parent is saying. Don’t they have a right to know exactly why something would be a bad idea? The mother doesn’t seem to have any rational justification for not wearing the t-shirts. The t-shirts just express what music the daughter likes, nothing more. Unless the t-shirts have derogatory, racist, or highly offensive materials, I don’t see the problem. I think there is more to this story for the mother to have such a negative reaction to a t-shirt. Is the mother trying to grab the last strings of control? Is the daughter being rebellious in other ways and this is the only thing the mother can control?

  163. Oh dear, Mom.  Not only are you overreacting, but you are relaying the message that girls are held to a different standard than boys.  Do you really want your daughter to go through life with that impression?  Besides, remember the T shirt that said “I am with stupid”?  Did you remember the person wearing it or the “stupid” person they were with.  Most likely you remembered “stupid”.  The point is, most people will view the shirt and remember the message and completely forget or ignore the  person wearing it.  You should also applaud your 16 year old for not having her feathers ruffled by what other people think.  On this issue, my vote is “back off”.

  164. I will pass on a word of advise that was given to me as my children became teenagers. Pick your battles carefully.  If  this is a battle that you have to win, stand your ground. However, in this crazy world we now live, teenagers are exposed to so much, and the pressure to fit in is so strong, if wearing a band’s tshirt is what she wants to wear to show her indivduality, be glad its not tatoos, body piercings, colored hair or worse, a shaved head. Count yourself blessed. This would not be a battle I would choose to undertake. I’d voice my opinion and let it be.  You have raised her, given her wings, so let her go and figure out if this makes her happy.  If you raised a well rounded kid, you have nothing to worry about. Don’t damage your relationship over a t-shirt. At this age, the slightest cracks in a relationship can quickly turn into huge craters before you know it.  Encourage her to be who she wants to be.

  165. I think if your daughter is confident enough to wear a rock band t-shirt, and doesn’t care what people will think of her, then let it be.  She obviously is very comfortable in her own skin, and you can learn a lot from her!!!! 

  166. By letting your son wear the shirts, but forbidding your daughter from wearing the same, you ARE being sexist. That’s the definition of sexism – treating men and women differently, for no other reason than because of their gender. If you objected to Metallica because of their content of behavior, you should have banned your son from wearing them, too. If you have raised your daughter to be a strong, independent woman, she is able to decide for herself what she wears, and bear the consequences thereof.

  167. Tell her when boys can get pregnanr then he will be held to the same standard.

  168. Tell her when boys can get pregnanr then he will be held to the same standard.

  169. As a 16 year old girl, it was very important for me to express who I was and who I was becoming and that included wearing band T-shirts (Metallica was one of them!).
    At first my parents weren’t so happy about my wearing those shirts either, but when they I pointed out I wasn’t wearing anything offensive or obscene, really nothing outside of appropriate for my age, they let me, as long as they didn’t take over my entire wardrobe. Now, as a 30 year old, my closet still holds a few band T-shirts, right in there with my sundresses, slacks and tops for work, and sweaters.
    But if you really feel that you have to win this battle Mom, the first thing you need to change is your arguement. Because even now at 30, if anyone tells me that I can’t do something because I’m a “girl” but a man can because he’s a “boy”, it will only make me all the more determined to do it.
    FYI: They have band T-shirts for girls now, too. Maybe you can go shopping with her for one or two.

  170. Your job here is to teach her how to make choices and how the clothes she wears can and will impact how others see her. Part of that is to decide what message or stereotype the clothing imparts and whether -and why – she wants to send that message. It also depends on where she is going and whether she has to worry about impressions there – what she wears to see a movie will not likely matter, but what she wears to a job interview will. This is also a chance to examine your own prejudices, as I’m personally puzzled why you believe that sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll is a good message for a boy but not a girl. Then I’d set a few basic ground rules, like no tshirts at formal occasions, and let her experiment and learn within them.

  171. Life is to short to argue over a band tee shirt. Your daughter is right if people judge her because of her clothes they are not worth talking too. It os a fad and will be short lived. I have 3 sons and the falling off pants did not last. I say you should let her wear. Them and she will learn for herself. If you don’t she will sneak out and west it anyway.

  172. It certainly is the parent’s authority that is most important. However, you also need to remember that there is a difference between setting boundaries and being controlling. If it is okay for her brother to wear the same clothing, there should be no reason why she can’t. I was a teenager in a similar position. I certainly didn’t dress outright like a boy, however I wore band T-Shirts and the like as well and if my mother had told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them, I would have reacted the same way. And rightfully so I believe. She is in a sensitive time where she is discovering herself and who she is right now. 16 is such an important age in discovering your identity and also letting people know who you are. This is the way that she is expressing herself. This is who she is right now and I think you should be proud that she has an identity of her own. I am now a 29 year old mother of two children – one of which is an 8 year old girl and I encourage her to express herself. In today’s society I don’t think there is much of a difference in how a girl or a guy is viewed based on wearing a Metallica shirt. I do a lot of work with the youth in my church and am very involved in helping out the youth group and doing mentoring and what I find is that some of them might be wearing band tees today and then dressing in Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch tomorrow. Your daughter is not going to care one way or the other what people think of her and she shouldn’t. My mother instilled in me that while it was important to pay attention to the way people view you, if you live your life unable to express yourself and be who you are because you are constantly living in fear of people, that is worse. I eventually found a tactful, tasteful way to dress my “rock and roll” personality, but I still wear band tees sometimes – just nice fitted girly ones. I do believe that comparing boys and girls this way – girls and boys need to dress a certain way based on their gender – is slightly sexist. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those free-spirited mothers who let their children “choose” their own gender or who would necessarily let her young son (who is only 1 now) dress in purple shorts and a Hello Kitty T-shirt. However, at 16 she’s probably just wearing the clothes because she likes them and 16 is definitely an age that one can make their own decisions on what clothing they will put on. Perhaps instead of negatively focusing on the fact that she wants to wear a band tee, you should focus on the positive. She could be dressed in miniskirts and belly-baring shirts, caked with makeup and a push up bra. I would much rather my daughter be a covered up tomboy then walk around looking like a baby prostitute. Let this one go mom. Now is not the time. 8)

  173. I’d say you’re overreacting; in fact, I’d say “sexist and unfair” describes it perfectly. Have you forbid her from getting a driver’s license because a lady should always have an escort? Will you allow your son to go to college after high school but encourage your daughter to find a husband? Times have changed. Unless her clothes feature profanity or are inappropriately skimpy, let her wear her rock n’ roll shirts… and thank your lucky stars that this is the worst of her teenage rebellion!

  174. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    Exactly what “wrong impression” are you concerned your daughter will give that your son did not?  I would think that allowing your 16 year old to wear a Metallic shirt would be a better impression than say a shirt touting Katy Perry’s “I kissed a girl” or mini skirts and halter tops. Ultimately, as the parent, you need to decide your family values and stick to them, but be prepared for the backlash.

  175. I don’t agree that parents need to give an explanation for saying “No”.  Typically when parents say no it implies that they are simply uncomfortable with what the child is asking them to do/allow.  That is reasonable explanation enough.  If kids always needed a reason for why we said yes or no, then why don’t they ask why we decide to say ‘yes’ to things?  That being said, I think a 16 year old teenager should definitely be allowed to wear band t-shirts as long as they are not profane or promote drugs or are inappropriate in general.  There are many bands out there that are talented and just because they are not the parents tastes, doesn’t mean that they are a “bad band” or that they promote anything about the teenager other than what his/her music tastes are.  I think Mom is reading too much into this particular situation.  She’s 16 not 12.  Pick your battles…

  176. I think for a 16 year old you should give the reason(s) you think it is not a good idea, and then let her make the decision. You certainly can nix buying it, based on your strong feelings; I’m all for that.  So, if she wants to purchase it herself, then I’d say allow it.  If this was a matter of safety or sleaziness I would have a slightly different response, but it’s just a t-shirt, and not profane.

  177. You have to pick your battles. If your daughter is doing good in school and showing good judgement in other decisions in her life, then this is not a battle you should start. Teenagers and the clothes they wear has always driven parents crazy. Remember how your parents felt about your choice of clothes? Let her have this freedom and show her that you trust her judgement.

  178. A parent ought to allow their child, especially age 16, to dress as they like. Girls are individuals as are boys so wearing a Metallica t-shirt expresses their own individual tastes, not their gender. Society’s dictates with feminine clothing is a sociological pressure that inhibits freedoms. Would the Mom prefer a low-cut blouse or a sexy skirt? A Mom who thinks a girl wearing her favorite band t-shirt as “giving the wrong impression” is a sexist who looks at women in a narrow perspective and limits her own understanding of her child’s interests, causing more problems than not.

  179. I think the daughter is completely right in saying that her mother is being sexist and unfair.  To say that a girl gives “the wrong impression” by doing the EXACT same thing a boy does is the very definition of sexist. 

    I agree that parents are the authority figure, but that does NOT give this mom the right to be so ridiculously sexist.  If she is okay with her daughter listening to these bands, how is wearing a t-shirt a bad idea?  And what “bad impression” is this mom worried about?

    Kudos to this girl for attempting to be rational and for knowing that baseless stereotyping is nothing she needs to worry about or be involved in.

  180. I have 3 daughters. They had 3 rules. Dont take drugs, dont get pregnant and dont die. I say lighten up mom. your daughter is searching for her individuality. The more you hate the shirt, the more she will wear it, Worry about bigger issues. This is just a passing phase. 

  181. Count your blessings!! Have you seen the low necklines with padded push-ups that most girls her age are wearing these days? Your daughter sounds as if she is comfortable enough with herself to wear what expresses her music appreciation without having to sell herself out by displaying cleavage as her focal point. You mention Metallica as one of the music groups. Do you know that Metallica is a drug-free band? A small detail in my argument, but my point is that it sounds as if you might be the one who is judging your daughter. Now don’t get offended just yet. You are the one who raised her to have the self esteem to be herself without being concerned about those who would judge her by the music she likes or the t-shirts she wears. I say embrace your daughter and her preferences with the same love and guidance you have raised her with for 16 years. You can both find a respectful, happy medium, I’m sure of it. 

  182. I think it is sexist & unfair to allow her son and not her daughter to wear these types of shirts. Unless she’s slicing it into a barely there shirt, the only thing it says about a girl who wears a rock band t-shirt is that she likes either their music or the design of the shirt. I’m a 50 year old woman and I would let my teenager wear one.

  183. Mom, you’re not overreacting. You’re just being stupid. Why in the world would you let your son wear this shirt and not your daughter. Do you want her to spend the rest of her life thinking boys and men are special and should be treated as such. If you can’t treat her equally to her brother at home, how can she expect to be treated equally on any job she has in the future?

  184. Nobody wants to quote/adhere to the Bible anymore, but it still stands, nevertheless.  Proverbs 22:6King James Version (KJV)
    6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.Your daughter is STILL a child, therefore she is to do what YOU tell her.  When she is grown and on  her own, she can make her own decisions. And, as the latter part of that verse states, she will come back around to what is right when she is older.

    1. OK, lets go there!  If one was to truly follow the bible and it’s teachings the daughter should NEVER be allowed to mix the material of her clothing either.  Like perhaps cotton slacks with a rayon blouse! Nor should she EVER be allowed to consume pork!  Lest the poor child wish to wallow in despair in the great pits of hell for the remainder of her existence! Good grief.  That book was written by a group of egotistical men who wrote down what they took away from God and Jesus’ teachings, not God or Jesus themselves!

  185. I’m sorry but as a mom of 4 (now in my 50’s) the answer would be yes, you overreacted.   Not only are you teaching your child that you have double standards, you’re letting her know that this is acceptable!  That “type” of shirt, really?  So maybe it’s your perception of what people will think of her?  Perhaps she’s a lot more mature then you are giving her credit for based on her statement “If people would form an opinion of me based on a T-shirt, I could care less about what they think”.   What exactly is your perception of a heavy metal, T-shirt wearing, teenage girl?  Clothes don’t make the child, the values you instilled in them do.  Every child starts to express themselves (whether it’s at 13 or 16 yrs old) and the tighter you pull them in, the harder they rebel.  Pick your fights…this is not one of them.

  186. As a 17 year old myself I can see her reasoning, but I also see your concerns. You don’t want your  little girl turning into a heavy metal junkie who sits on the side of the road with not a dollar to her name, wasting her money on drugs and alcohol. Though the shirts sometimes bring a negative image, I can almost guarantee that she’ll grow out of this phase and is most likely going through it because a) she legitimately likes the music or b) she likes the music because her friends like the music; that’s just how high school works. By telling her she’s not allowed to wear the shirt she feels like you’re holding her back from who she really wants to be. Being a teenager means that your image is constantly shifting, my parents always told me “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” and that’s helped me in a lot of stations. Your daughter will stay the same person no matter what clothing she chooses to wear. All in all, let your daughter wear whatever she wants (in reason) she’ll feel like you trust her and your relationship will be closer, and stronger, than ever.

    1. Wow!~A Heavy Metal Junkie who sits on the side of the road with not a dollar to her name???????????  What?  I wore the shirts, listened to Heavy Metal in High School, and still listen to it today.  I happen to have my college degree, work in accounting, have been married for 20 years, and live in a VERY nice house!!!!  You need to work a little more on the “not judging a book by its cover!”

  187. Fortunately, the days of double standards are pretty much a thing of the past (a teenage metalhead is a teenage metalhead regardless of gender).  By wearing this T-shirt, your daughter is engaging in a form of self-expression and self-discovery – a normal and healthy part of being a teenager (think about the clothes and hairstyles you donned).  Will people prejudge her?  Perhaps.  But after they meet her, they will soon discover that she is really the wonderful person that you are raising her to be.  And she will learn soon enough that there are times when appearance does matter (like during that all-important job interview).  In a day when so many young girls are going to extreme measures to conform to unrealistic expectations, your daughter is steadfast on remaining true to who she is.  So the next time she puts on that Metallica T-shirt, giver her a hug and tell her that you are proud of the strong woman that she is becoming.

  188. You are just picking fights with your daughter over trivial things.  Do you really want to teach her to argue and pick apart every little thing?  How a girl feels about herself is going to send off more messages than any shirt she is wearing.  You  can chat with her about why she likes a particular band and what kind of influence they have on their fans.  Encouraging her to think about  these things will do a lot more in the long run than forcing your opinion on a teen that is just learning to make non-reactive decisions between right and wrong.

  189. That’s a double standard, sexist and unfair. Who are you to say that girls can’t rock out? Girls can wear whatever band shirts they’d like, what kind of image does it put across? That your daughter has halfway decent music taste. I’m appalled at your reaction to how your daughter chooses to express herself. Shame on you. 

  190. I think the most disturbing thing that this mother had to say was: “I explained that it’s different for guys and that when a girl wears that type of shirt she gives the wrong impression.”.  Whoa there, Sally…….the only thing, to me, that is “different for guys and girls” is their anatomy (and even that can be rectified in this day and age!).  I am a 33 year-old mother of a son and daughter and would happily let my little girl wear whatever she wanted to.  Actually, I do.  She helps pick out her own clothing and not all of it is pink and princess (there are a few skulls and crossbones here and there).  When I was in high school, my parents did not limit my apparel choices and happily bought my Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Korn and Marilyn Manson shirts.  As for the “wrong impression” I was giving, WELL, that sort of thinking is narrow-minded and bigoted.  I was an honors student, towards the top of my class and a pre-med major (with a double minor).  I had plenty of scholarships and was accepted to my top-choice schools.  I don’t see any bad impressions there.  My friends parent’s adored me, as well as all of my teachers.  Before you hand down your judgement of “heavy metal” bands, and the people who listen to that type of music, take the time to listen to it.  Most listeners have open minds and are quite intelligent.  I also want to note that one of my double minors was in music and my favorite composer is Beethoven.  I listen to almost every genre of music and take pride in my documented very high I.Q. (needed if you want to join MENSA).  Let the girl wear her shirt and show her that the Women’s Movement really did happen.  Get out of the kitchen and let your husband make his own sandwich.

    -Liberated Happily-Divorced Mother of Two Gorgeous Children

  191.  

    Let her wear the T-shirt and use it for an opportunity for
    discussion. Why does she want to wear the shirt? Does she really like the band?
    Do her friends like heavy metal music and is she just trying to fit in? Listen
    to the music that she is likes. Talk about your favorite band or singers and
    what you like about them.

     

    As a parent your decision should be final. You are
    responsible for her until she is an adult. Teen years are tough for both the
    parent and teenager. You have the power to take situations like this t-shirt disagreement
    to a higher ground.

  192. After raising five children alone and having them all turn out as decent adults, I would say yes you are overreacting.  You have already instilled the values you want your daughter to have by now, and a teeshirt depicting a band is not going to change her into some crazed person. Also it really is no different whether a teenage boy or girl wears the shirt. It will not make her less of a lady and it will not make him more macho.  

  193. After raising five children alone and having them all turn out as decent adults, I would say yes you are overreacting.  You have already instilled the values you want your daughter to have by now, and a teeshirt depicting a band is not going to change her into some crazed person. Also it really is no different whether a teenage boy or girl wears the shirt. It will not make her less of a lady and it will not make him more macho.  

  194. Hi misunderstood mom, please do not be upset,think if only at 16 one follows a 32 year(just presuming)this world would be so free of all the lurking dangers. Be gentle but firm and share your fears honestly with your baby.Tell her of your love and concern and still leave the final decision to her.If u have been truly caring she will never break your heart. All the best.Place trust in her she will surprise you.

  195. I think this mother is overreacting. I also think it is a bit sexist and unfair since she allows the son to wear the shirts. I am a mother of a teenage son and if I had a daughter would have no problem with this…as long as the shirt wasn’t vulgar or offensive. I think the daughter shows some maturity and self confidence by saying she could care less about someone who would form an opinion about her based on what she’s wearing. Isn’t this what we should be teaching our children??? That you can’t judge a book by its cover? This mom is more concerned about what other people will think. When are we gonna worry about ourselves and NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?!?!!!! Someone is always going to judge….get over it!!!

  196. The daughter is in the right here… what kind of “idea” does she think this is giving – that her daughter is a person with her own tastes in music and clothes?!  Heaven forbid – let the mother clutch her pearls all she wants, but to the daughter here, I say ROCK ON!  (Side note: when wearing a Rush shirt many years ago, a male acquaintance expressed surprise – and he explained, and I quote, “I didn’t think girls liked Geddy Lee’s voice.”  He remained an acquaintance and never became a friend of mine.)

  197. Well first bring up how many girls lost respect for your son when he started wearing the shirts. Then point out how his grades dropped, and he started drinking and doing drugs. Tell her about how he was unable to get a summer job because nobody would trust a kid who would wear a heavy metal band t-shirt. Tell her you want her to go down a far better road than he has and you want her to be a responsible adult, unlike her predessor brother. What? all these terrible things did not happen because your son wore a few band shirts? Try not to be too controlling over the truly small stuff. She is not asking for something permanant like a tatoo. Coming from a mom who has buried 2 children, please, do not sweat the small stuff. Just hug her often. Kiss her if she will let you and cherish her despite the small disagreements.

  198. My advice: first pick your battles.  It’s my #1 Rule when dealing with my two kids.  Arguing with her daughter about wearing a t-shirt is a waste or time & energy; the  kid is going to wear the shirt anyway, she’ll just make sure her mom never knows.   Second:  she probably should not have told her daughter it was acceptable for her brother(s) to wear a certain t-shirt but not her (just because of the daughter’s gender). WOW! Big mistake there.   Pitting one sibling against another, never a good idea.  Perhas mom could explain to the young lady: a  Metallica T isn’t appropriate for church, school or formal occasions (what t-shirt is?), but on the weekends, or after school around the house, or to wer to a friend’s house–acceptable.  This way daughter gets to wear her favorite grunge shirt & mom only has to see it once-in-a-while.  And the daughter learns that moms make  mistakes, but are willing to see all sides of an argument.

  199. I have to agree with the daughter. Siblings should be treated the same, as much as is possible, regardless of gender. If you don’t want her to wear the shirts you shouldn’t have let her brother either. Perhaps you made a mistake by allowing it in the first place. Be honest with her if you did.

  200. With me being a 17 year old guy, I do feel you are overreacting just a little bit. I see your point of the shirt sending the wrong message, but you never know. Also, if you feel it sends the wrong message, just let her wear it around the house. And, as my mom would would put it, “As long as you live under my roof, you will wear what i see fit.” So, i look at it like this…..you are doing the right thing, if you feel that it is not appropriate for your daughter, then have her sell it or donate the shirts to a goodwill.

  201. With teens you need to pick your battles. As long as the T-shirts are not sexually explicit, do not advertise alcohol, or have curse words on them teens should be allowed to wear them. It is a fad that will pass. The dress code for my own daughter along with the above was keep your belly but and boobs covered

  202. It’s just a t-shirt. While you may not approve, it is not racist, sexist etc. At 16 she should have a major voice in her clothes within reason. In a couple years she will be wearing what she wants regardless. The values you have have taught will prevail. This may be comforting or frightening …

  203. Misunderstood Mom specifically what impression will your daughter will be giving by wearing these types of T-shirts?  The impression I would get is that she likes Metallica (or insert name of band here).  By insinuating that your daughter would give any other negative impression than the one mentioned above does cast you in the light of a sexist person helping to keep these types of beliefs alive.

    I applaud your daughter for knowing enough to not care what other people might think of her,especially the ones she doesn’t care about herself.  Your daughter sounds like a smart young woman who will base her friends on who accepts her for herself (which includes the clothes she chooses to wear).

    Overall it is not as if she is attempting to dress this way for a job interview or for a family wedding.  This is school and as long as she stays within the dress code guidelines who cares?  You need to pick your battles more carefully.

  204. Yes, you are overreacting ! Go together and get a “matching T-shirt.  Mom daughter bonding at its best.  Ask yourself this:  Is your daughter a kind and good person.  Does she show respect towards other people. Is she a teenager.  I have been there and done it!  My two girls are now 28 and 22.  We went through blue hair, (wash out color), one nose piercing, multiple ear piercing, and one small tattoo that reads I Am Blessed.  I’m happy to report that both girls are college graduates and the eldest got her masters in fine arts. The blue hair was a quick wash out, the nose piercing lasted a month, the multiple ear piercings are still there with tiny stud earrings, and the tattoo says it all.  Not only is she Blessed-but so am I.

  205. Yes, you are overreacting ! Go together and get a “matching T-shirt.  Mom daughter bonding at its best.  Ask yourself this:  Is your daughter a kind and good person.  Does she show respect towards other people. Is she a teenager.  I have been there and done it!  My two girls are now 28 and 22.  We went through blue hair, (wash out color), one nose piercing, multiple ear piercing, and one small tattoo that reads I Am Blessed.  I’m happy to report that both girls are college graduates and the eldest got her masters in fine arts. The blue hair was a quick wash out, the nose piercing lasted a month, the multiple ear piercings are still there with tiny stud earrings, and the tattoo says it all.  Not only is she Blessed-but so am I.

  206. Yes, I think she is not only overreacting, but she is being sexist. I dealt with something similar when I was her age. I think the girl is right on, she is just trying to express a little individuality. Now that I am a mom, I get that the mom doesn’t want her daughter to be perceived as something she is not. But like the daughter said, if someone thinks badly of her because of a band t-shirt, then they have the problem, not this girl. The mom should be proud that her daughter is comfortable doing her own thing and not conforming to what society says should be acceptable. Seems like the mom could take a lesson from her daughter…let her wear them!!

  207. Depends on what your goal is. If you’re trying to turn your
    sometimes squirrely teen into a responsible adult, then she needs practice
    making good decisions. And even though she’ll make what you consider foolish
    choices sometimes — she still needs the chance. There will be enough behaviors
    you can’t compromise on, when you can
    let her choose – do it. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wear them all
    that much. Part of it may just be the battle to be treated “fairly”.

  208. Depends on what your goal is. If you’re trying to turn your
    sometimes squirrely teen into a responsible adult, then she needs practice
    making good decisions. And even though she’ll make what you consider foolish
    choices sometimes — she still needs the chance. There will be enough behaviors
    you can’t compromise on, when you can
    let her choose – do it. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wear them all
    that much. Part of it may just be the battle to be treated “fairly”.

  209. Depends on what your goal is. If you’re trying to turn your
    sometimes squirrely teen into a responsible adult, then she needs practice
    making good decisions. And even though she’ll make what you consider foolish
    choices sometimes — she still needs the chance. There will be enough behaviors
    you can’t compromise on, when you can
    let her choose – do it. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wear them all
    that much. Part of it may just be the battle to be treated “fairly”.

  210. Depends on what your goal is. If you’re trying to turn your
    sometimes squirrely teen into a responsible adult, then she needs practice
    making good decisions. And even though she’ll make what you consider foolish
    choices sometimes — she still needs the chance. There will be enough behaviors
    you can’t compromise on, when you can
    let her choose – do it. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wear them all
    that much. Part of it may just be the battle to be treated “fairly”.

  211. Depends on what your goal is. If you’re trying to turn your
    sometimes squirrely teen into a responsible adult, then she needs practice
    making good decisions. And even though she’ll make what you consider foolish
    choices sometimes — she still needs the chance. There will be enough behaviors
    you can’t compromise on, when you can
    let her choose – do it. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t wear them all
    that much. Part of it may just be the battle to be treated “fairly”.

  212. Mom is totally overreacting in a sexist way. She lets her son, but not her daughter because she thinks people will think her daughter is a slut?! It sounds like mom has the judgmental opinion. So long as the shirts don’t have offensive text or imagery, It is 2012; let your daughter show off the fact that she has awesome taste in music.

  213. Mom, you got it all wrong.  Letting your daughter wear a Metallica T-shirt only gives one impression (three, actually): she likes heavy metal, doesn’t care for girly stuff, and she’s confident in herself to hang with her male counterparts as their equal, not their toy.  Trust me on this one, the boys who are worth her attention will appreciate that more than the snobby class queen who won’t even look at them.

  214. Mom, you got it all wrong.  Letting your daughter wear a Metallica T-shirt only gives one impression (three, actually): she likes heavy metal, doesn’t care for girly stuff, and she’s confident in herself to hang with her male counterparts as their equal, not their toy.  Trust me on this one, the boys who are worth her attention will appreciate that more than the snobby class queen who won’t even look at them.

  215. A Metallica t-shirt?  Why is this even a conversation?  While I understand what the Mother is saying (she believes people will look at her daughter in a different light) I don’t believe she is giving her daughter any credit.  Is this the only issue she has with her daughter?  Are her grades allright?  Is she doing okay other than wanting to enhance her wardrobe?  Clothing is an expression of a person, child or not, and if this is the only issue she has with her child she should consider herself a very lucky woman.  She has done a great job raising her daughter.  Enough people have commented about the boy girl thing…..I won’t go there.  The last I heard colleges don’t follow you around or ask your friends about what you wear or did wear.  She can dress appropriatly  for events when needed otherwise…..let it go and be happy you dont have a drug addicted, pregnant high-school drop out with aids who had drained your bank account and every ounce of dignity she or your family has to keep up with her heroine addiction.  Pick up the paper and read what is happening in the world today…….a t-shirt?  Buy her all the Metallica t-shirts she wants and thank her for doing such a great job as your daughter!  

  216. If she likes heavy metal, she likes heavy metal! Dont discourage her from showing personality. Confidence is a big teen issue these days. Maybe she just wants to win an argument, or looks up to her brother. If she starts listen ing to heavy metal and wearing these T-shirts 24/7, maybe its time to set limits.

  217. In my opinion this is a “pick your battles” moment for Mom.  I agree, there are times when the parent must “be the parent” and make a stand for the welfare of the child in question.  However…  Having survived raising three teenagers (1 boy/2 girls)  I can tell you one thing for certain.  Every teen…boy or girl…is going to find some why of expressing themselves.  If a Heavy Metal t-shirt is the biggest thing you have a problem with, then count yourself lucky.  

    Personally I would probably still make my displeasure over their choice of apparel known to the teen.  Give them the “I don’t think it’s appropriate for public wear or for your age.  But maybe you are right, you might be getting old enough to START making SOME (very important to emphasize these points) of your own decisions” speech.  

    Then the minute they walk out the door thinking they have just outfoxed mean old Mom/Dad…I’d do a little happy dance that it wasn’t a lip ring, purple Mohawk or “hoochie” shorts they were fighting me over.  Then I prepare myself for the next round knowing I have maybe gained a tiny bit of ammunition going in; “Listen Kiddo, I let you have the t-shirts…but the facial tattoo is gonna be a no-go.”  Good Luck and oh BTW…I’m afraid I’m with the teen on the double standard thing.  While I know and you know there really ARE differences between boys and girls…at any/every age…it is a nearly impossible argument to defend to a determined, hormone fueled teenager intent on rebellion.  It actually allows them to take a somewhat valid position against you.  If all else fails and you find yourself backed into a corner, you are better off to just go with the old stand-by, “Because I am still the parent and I said no.” They can call you unfair and throw a tantrum all day long…but in the end…your position is indisputable.

  218. Parents are not required to give any explanations for their decisions. However, perhaps you should examine your reasons for A.) allowing one of your children to wear or do something that you will not allow another of your children to (yes there are many factors such as age but sex of the child should not be one of them. Be glad she isn’t requesting a miniskirt) and B.) exactly what impression do you think people would be forming from your daughter that they may not have already formed of your son. Her response of not allowing others to add or detract from her selfworth based on some silly tshirt tells me she is mature enough to handle a lot more than most teens today. Besides, haven’t you ever heard of picking your battles? Let her wear band tshirts and she’ll grow out of it.

  219. You are setting a bad example for your daughter. She is right that anyone who judges her for her t-shirt isn’t worth knowing.

    As long as neither of your children wear band shirts to job interviews or fancy outings, what’s the problem?

    I wore them as a teenager and did just fine. I’m 30 now and working on my masters. I think you’re overreacting.

  220. Yes you are overreacting. Your daughter is expressing herself. As long as it doesn’t have obsene language or gestures then let her wear them. Also is your daughter doing well in school, does she respect you and others then the shirts are fine she is just expressing herself

  221. Letting your son wear them was a mistake worth avoiding with your daughter! And the reality is that girls do have to select their messages more carefully than boys; it may seem unfair but girls are scrutinized harder to boys and measured more harshly. If it helps, think of it as branding.

    1. And exactly what message does a teen girl in a band shirt send? I wore them as aa teen girl and I turned out fine. I simply liked music. Society, starting with you, needs to get a grip. It isn’t 1950 anymore.

  222. “They” tell us to pick our battles; this is not one of them.  Let her wear the t-shirts.  Kudos to you if this is all you and your 16-year old daughter butt heads over.

  223. “They” tell us to pick our battles; this is not one of them.  Let her wear the t-shirts.  Kudos to you if this is all you and your 16-year old daughter butt heads over.

  224. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    You should call yourself Misguided Mom!  Wearing band T-shirts is a very suitable way for your daughter to express herself.  Your daughter is absolutely correct when she says that you are being “sexist and unfair” because you allowed her brother to wear them.  Would you rather that she get a tattoo of her favorite band?  Your unfair “NO” regarding the T-shirt will only push her into more expression AND rebellion.  Choose your battles wisely, a band T-shirt is so much less innocuous than having her boobs or belly hanging out as you see with so many teens (and pre-teens) today.  Give your daughter and yourself a break!

  225. Sorry, I agree with your daughter on this one…two wrongs don’t make a right. I feel you are over-reacting just a bit. She will find a way to wear what she wants anyway and will wear those shirts just to annoy you. So lighten up a little.

  226. I’m a teenager and I can see where you’re afraid that it might
    give the wrong impression, but it just shows she likes that band and supports
    them. I think you are being sexist because of your reasoning, she’s a teenager
    so she wants to rebel, you need to give solid reasoning on why you don’t
    believe she should wear them. Impressions and opinions are formed every day in high
    school no matter what your daughter will wear. She is two years away from being
    a legal adult and she should be able to make her own decisions. I think you
    should let her wear some heavy metal t-shirts because you can’t stop actually
    stop her from buying them and then wearing them without you knowing.   

  227. I’m a teenager and I can see where you’re afraid that it might
    give the wrong impression, but it just shows she likes that band and supports
    them. I think you are being sexist because of your reasoning, she’s a teenager
    so she wants to rebel, you need to give solid reasoning on why you don’t
    believe she should wear them. Impressions and opinions are formed every day in high
    school no matter what your daughter will wear. She is two years away from being
    a legal adult and she should be able to make her own decisions. I think you
    should let her wear some heavy metal t-shirts because you can’t stop actually
    stop her from buying them and then wearing them without you knowing.   

  228. I’m a teenager and I can see where you’re afraid that it might
    give the wrong impression, but it just shows she likes that band and supports
    them. I think you are being sexist because of your reasoning, she’s a teenager
    so she wants to rebel, you need to give solid reasoning on why you don’t
    believe she should wear them. Impressions and opinions are formed every day in high
    school no matter what your daughter will wear. She is two years away from being
    a legal adult and she should be able to make her own decisions. I think you
    should let her wear some heavy metal t-shirts because you can’t stop actually
    stop her from buying them and then wearing them without you knowing.   

  229. As a parent, I do agree with sensoring what our children wear. However as our children get older they need to be given some explanation as to why some things are inappropriate so that they are able to learn to make informed, intelligent decisions on their own. As long as the shirts are not profane, I’m not sure how a girl wearing them would “give the wrong impression”. Since her older brother was allowed to wear similar shirts, not allowing her to wear them is sexist. Is there something inappropriate about girls liking heavy metal?

  230. As a parent, I do agree with sensoring what our children wear. However as our children get older they need to be given some explanation as to why some things are inappropriate so that they are able to learn to make informed, intelligent decisions on their own. As long as the shirts are not profane, I’m not sure how a girl wearing them would “give the wrong impression”. Since her older brother was allowed to wear similar shirts, not allowing her to wear them is sexist. Is there something inappropriate about girls liking heavy metal?

  231. I feel that as a parent of a teen, you have to pick your battles.  There are far bigger things to be worried about.  It is also important during this time to keep the lines of communication open.  If the lines shut down over a T-shirt, where are the important conversations such as peer pressure and drug and alcohol use going to take place?

  232. Dear Miss.Understood (Or is it Mrs.?),

    Start by discussing different situations together. What are the consequences in these instances? How do they make you feel as a parent?  How do they make HER feel?

         Britney Spears on a 17 year-old boy
         Any heavy metal band on a 6 year-old child in school
         A dress on a boy that is 20. What about 16? 13? 7? 4? Newborn?
         A suit and tie on a girl of the same ages?  How do these two compare?

    Hopefully this will get you started. At this point in their development, children haven’t developed their pre-frontal cortex, their decision-making center. It’s normal for them to make questionable decisions at this age. (It’s the times in your life when you asked your child, “Why did you DO that?” and their answer of course is, “I don’t know”. They really don’t!) As long as they understand that whatever choices they make, they have the responsibility of living with the consequences, you are on your way to raising a responsible adult.

    As far as Metallica and other heavy metal shirts, search your own soul and figure out what it is that bothers YOU about the shirt. All schools have a dress code. Ask yourself, “If it’s not on the school’s dress code, what is it that I have an issue with?”  What message do you think she is sending? At this point:  1. Discuss it with her, 2. Set down ground rules and the consequences of those rules, and3. Be consistent. All kids will test their boundaries. If you set up boundaries ahead of time, and then establish consequences, the choice is now in your child’s hands. Simply remind your child that by making the choice she accepts the consequences. Hopefully this will not only get you through the heavy metal shirt issue, but will help you to raise a responsible adult. Best of luck!Desert Hot Mama 

  233. Let your daughter express herself and exude confidence in her own sense of style.  She’s not harming herself or others.  A Metallica shirt is seen as somewhat of a cool rock-retro tee among kids.  My little sister wears an AC/DC tee and she doesn’t even listen to them! 

  234. We all strive in our youth to express individuality as your daughter is trying to express hers.
    Your daughter is not trying to stand out but to be part of her friends and their expressions for today.  In this culture band T-shirts are common apparel for both boys and girls. T-shirts are easy to take off. A tattoo or piercing is not so much. Is this really the best battle to be fighting right now?  Maybe you could purchase the T-shirts from the bands website together and that way have some control of the actual image she is wearing.

  235. Yes, Mom, based on your own words, you are being sexist (discriminating based on sex) and unfair (treating your children differently for arbitrary reasons). YOU think a girl wearing a band tshirt gives the “wrong impression”–impression of what? Of liking a band’s music? Metallica is a laughably outdated example of “edgy” music: this is NOT the parental conflict hill you want to live and die for. Please examine your own prejudices that would cause you to judge a woman based on something so superficial as a tshirt. And celebrate that your daughter is strong enough in her identity to reject the overwhelming cultural pressure on girls and women to emphasize cookie-cutter appearances at the expense of confidence and character. Let your daughter express herself in this safe way, or she’ll learn the valuable lesson that the only way to be herself is to hide herself from you.

  236. You’ve got one smart, self-confident daughter, and you should listen to her because she’s 100% right: anyone who would form an opinion of her based on a T-Shirt she’s wearing, isn’t the kind of person to even give the time of day. Isn’t this what we should be teaching our kids? It’s not what you look like, it’s who you are. And she’s also right that it’s not fair to allow her brother to wear the shirt and not her. If you believe Metallica promotes something immoral, why would you allow either of your children to wear it? It’s all about allowing your kids to express themselves in non-dangerous ways. She’s not asking to get a tattoo or piercing. She’s not experimenting with drugs or alcohol. She’s wearing a T-shirt. Pick your battles.

  237. Are you really upset about a tee shirt? She could be dressing like Lindsey Lohan! Be happy it’s just a tee shirt. Let her wear it. In ten or twenty years you’ll both look back and be happy it was just a shirt and not something more perminate like a piercing or a tattoo.

  238. Sorry Mom, but you are being sexist and unfair. If you had a problem in general with Metallica and other heavy metal shirts that would be one thing. But since you’ve let her brother wear similar shirts you are sending your daughter a mixed message. As a former 16 year old girl who wore Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, etc. T’s as a teenager, I say let her express herself. Her choice in music does not define who she is and I really don’t see how a girl who wears such T-shirts gives the “wrong impression”.

    1.  Exactly. Boys can totally wear anything, but as soon as a girl wears the same thing it’s all of a sudden rebellious? What?

  239. Do the shirts promote harmful activities such as drugs or violence? Does the band itself? If not, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wearing the shirts. As for the gender thing – I’m with your daughter, sorry. If something truly is  dangerous or has bad messages, then it applies to both genders.

  240. Do the shirts promote harmful activities such as drugs or violence? Does the band itself? If not, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wearing the shirts. As for the gender thing – I’m with your daughter, sorry. If something truly is  dangerous or has bad messages, then it applies to both genders.

  241. I agree that wearing heavy-metal band t-shirts that display violence, drugs, or alcohol are a bad idea. But if the shirts your daughter is wearing are tame, I see no reason for her to stop wearing them. However, she is your daughter and that particular decision is up to you. I do believe, though, that if your daughter can’t wear them, neither can your son. Wearing shirts that cause people to form negative opinions is never a good idea, but I can’t imagine a scenario where the same image would cause bad thoughts about a girl but not a boy. Long story short, either let both your children wear the shirts, or neither of them. You wouldn’t want either if them doing drugs or involving themselves in other illegal or compromising situations, right?

  242. I don’t understand what you think it says about a girl who wears Metallica shirts as opposed to a boy. In your mind does it mean she is easy, slutty or even maybe doing drugs. If that is what you”re thinking then I guess your son must have been a hoodlum, sex crazed, drug addicted and must be currently incarcerated. But i’m betting that he is not and for you to have these preconceived ideas for your daughter just because she is a girl is the very definition of the word SEXISM.   Your daughter has the right just like her brother to show who she is and what kind of music she likes. It would be a different story if she had a shirt on showing support for Hitler or some other misogynist then I think it would be negligent not to stop that, but a Mettalica shirt, come on!!!   When I was a teenage girl I had all kinds of heavy metal concert shirts (from actual concerts I went to) and other shirts that showed the world who I was and what I liked.  I have you know that I didn’t turn out any less of woman for it. I happen to be happily married for 27 years to a man who knew me when I was teenager and we have 2 beautiful daughters ages 19 and 15 who I have allowed to be themselves as long as they didn’t hurt themselves or anyone else.  I remember a slogan a long time ago that was directed at women that said  “WE’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY!. But I guess in your mind we haven’t. You need to let your daughter be who she is and if you have done a good job parenting then you shouldn’t worry. Because if your son was fine so will your daughter. But if you continue to tell her about what kind of girl she is going to be when wearing a Mettalica shirt then SHE WON’T. And then you will have no one else to blame but yourself when she rebels because you treated her brother differently than you treated her. And that would be tragic!!

  243. First of all – yes, it is very sexist to say your son may like whatever music he likes and show it but your daughter may not. Second, how much do you even know about Metal music? That’s a trick question, I can tell it’s not much at all just from the way you phrased your note. Metal is a broad genre which has always had a bad reputation, and wrongfully so. Why exactly is it so bad? If you just think it is because “you’ve heard” it is, then you’d better do some research. What is better than Metal then, for a girl? Country? With it’s many shallow songs glorifying drunkenness and sex? Pop with it’s thousands of songs singing the praises of cheap sex and how girls are only worth something if they look just so?  You’d rather she wear a Ke$ha shirt? Metal’s influences consist of life, religion, love, loss, etc… Fluffy pop artists like Katy Perry on the other hand emphasize drinking and sex… Call me crazy, but I think Metal is a better influence. If you don’t believe me, go on iTunes, listen to some samples from Metal bands like Kamelot, Nightwish, Xandria, or Within Temptation. Then listen to Ke$ha or Taylor Swift if you can stomach them after hearing the soaring orchestras behind the Metal bands mentioned. Tell me: which music is better written? Which lyrics seem as though work went into them?
    Read the lyrics, which would you rather your daughter listen to? “ra-tat-tat-tat on your dum-dum drum/this beat so phat gonna make me cum?” By dear Ke$ha? Or “I see you when it snows/in crystals dancing down/from a sultry sky/when silence is pure and unbreakable/I can see you smiling/in every frozen tear/I can hear you whisper ‘You and I?'”  By Kamelot the evil Metal band? You shouldn’t be so quick to judge. Also, just what “impression” should she project then? She is right, if she’s not wearing the shirt to a job interview then why should it matter what some shallow people think? Imagine if you were fool enough to judge everyone you meet as a bad person if they wore a “Winnie the Pooh” shirt just because you don’t much care for poor Pooh. Would that be a sensible way to go about evaluating people?  It is music, and many Metal bands are incredibly artistic in their approach. If you think it’s all incoherent screaming, you’re either nuts, or very ill-informed. All the bands I mentioned are fronted by vocalists with classical training (though in the case of Nightwish their original vocalist was, the new girl is not.) – and by classical, I mean opera – These people know how to sing and how to write and play music, they are artists, and you should at least give them the respect to listen to their work before you start condemning it. To just say “well if it’s not some grand popular thing it must be bad” is very foolish, and shallow.
    So, in short – yes. You are overreacting.

  244. Seriously? Yeah, and grown men shouldn’t watch My Little Pony because it’s inappropriate and doesn’t fit to the norms of our society. When the Bronies take over and end world problems we’ll all still be angry because there isn’t enough discrimination and the world no longer fits into a box that  we then fit into a smaller box and then mail to ourselves and THEN SMASH IT WITH A GIANT HAMMER. Sorry, I had to get that out my system. Anyway, denying someone something because of their gender is called discrimination. Funny word, you should look it up sometime. If you love your daughter as much as your son, and oh heavens, I hope you do…wait, pause for a second. Did your son start doing unlawful things because he was wearing a Metallica t-shirt? If yes, are you sure it wasn’t just how you raised him? Or is this whole argument just because your girl is different because she’s  a girl and shouldn’t be treated the same (because she’s a girl) and the end? Like the same way a man shouldn’t wear pink? (This is where men who wear pink all yell out “It’s salmon!” and everyone else rolls their eyes.) As for the point of children not being little people, I would agree. But teenagers are a tad different. If you don’t allow them the ability to make choices, even ones that you don’t agree with, then how do you expect them to function in the world without your guidance? Now THAT will probably not turn out well, unlike a girl wearing a rock t-shirt. Anyway, if you chose to use gender bias when raising your children I hope they move out as soon as possible and in with someone that makes them happy, male or female. Or group. Hell, what do I care? Let’s go with whatever option makes you the most uncomfortable.

  245. You should absolutely let your daughter wear the heavy metal band shirts. She is at the age where she can decide what impression she wants to display. As a recent high school graduate, I was grateful when my mom allowed me to wear lots of dark clothes and metal band shirts, because it was just how I wanted to express myself. Of course, wearing them to things like church and family gatherings is a whole other deal – I wouldn’t wear them to those types of events. But especially since you let your son wear these types of shirts, it really is unfair of you to not let your daughter wear them just because she’s a girl.

  246. You should absolutely let your daughter wear the heavy metal band shirts. She is at the age where she can decide what impression she wants to display. As a recent high school graduate, I was grateful when my mom allowed me to wear lots of dark clothes and metal band shirts, because it was just how I wanted to express myself. Of course, wearing them to things like church and family gatherings is a whole other deal – I wouldn’t wear them to those types of events. But especially since you let your son wear these types of shirts, it really is unfair of you to not let your daughter wear them just because she’s a girl.

  247. I think you should stand your ground, many times life is not fair and things are not the same for boys as it is for girls.  It is your job to set the limits and keep your daugher safe.

  248. You’re overreacting. It’s a t shirt. It lets the child express her interests. She’s right-if others don’t like it then it shows they have nothing in common. It’s better then a nipple piercing or dying her hair green. Try to remember when you were a teen. Pick your battles –this one seems pointless to me.

  249. I’m more concerned about what impression you think a Metallica t-shirt is going to give off. Would you let her wear a Hannah Montana shirt? Because music is music. If I were you I’d just be thankful she isn’t trying to wear tube tops and leopard print spandex.

  250. I understand the point the mother is trying to make.  People will always stereotype over silly things like t-shirts. But, I have to give her 16 year old daughter major kudos for knowing people who judge or look down on her for wearing those shirts are not even worth her time.  It’s a good lesson to learn – people will judge, they’ll talk about you, they might even dislike you – but I think the mother could learn from her daughter here.  What I can’t wrap my head around is that the mother doesn’t seem the slightest bit worried about her son’s reputation.  People could and probably do think certain things about him for wearing those shirts as well.

  251. Has your daughter had an abrupt personality change?  Are her grades slipping?  Has she traded old and true-blue friends for new ones?  If you haven’t seen these kinds of changes in your kid, chances are you are nit-picking at her clothes.  She’s right, you are pulling the old double standard when it comes to her and her brother.  While it’s always a good idea to know what’s going on in your child’s life, forcing her to bend to your will on something like t-shirts is only going to push her away from you.  Pick your battles, and let your daughter pick her t-shirts!

  252. If the shirts are indecent, obscene or gross, then neither your son nor your daughter should be wearing them.  However, if they only contain band names and images, then I’m sorry Mom, you are over reacting and wrong.  I do not believe most people would judge a person by a band T-shirt. 
    By the way, I am 71 years old, have raised my children and am enjoying my grandchildren, so I’ve been through these stages more than once.

  253. Are you overreacting? Maybe. With my daughter, who is 21 and has had a similar taste in clothing since she was in junior high, I chose and still choose to look at the total picture. Is your daughter basically a good student, drug free, and just full of self expression? If so, then yes, I think you may be overreacting. If however, you have concerns about her grades, school attendance, potential drug behaviors or self esteem issues, then, no, you should focus on this and other items related to her development.
    My t-shirt loving daughter does not dress in ribbons and bows or like everyone else. She likes a “metal” type of style (which I have been told is different than “goth” or “emo”). She is not dressing provocatively, she goes to college, gets decent grades, works, and is responsible. My advice, pick your battles, choose ones that count.
    Proud mom

  254. Tell both your children they can’t wear such t-shirts. I think your daughter knows better who she is and whether or not she should be worried about what other people will think of her. As long as she’s  (or your son for that matter) not wearing Metallica T-Shirts to job interviews, let her express herself. If wearing a t-shirt is the thing she wants to do to be a rebel, you should thank all that is holy that that’s the worst she wants to do, you could be a grandmother to a crack baby.

  255. sorry, but i don’t think this is a matter of should you let her, its a matter of can you stop her?
    basically, she can wear it if she wants to. she can change in the bathroom at school. she can wear it under a sweatshirt and take that off when you aren’t there.
    at sixteen, you cant really stop her any more: you’ll only make her hide it from you.

  256. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    I’m a 42 yr old elementary school teacher… and a lifelong heavy metal fan and a father of two boys.
    I say Let her wear the shirt(s). 
    There are many more female heavy metal fans today then there was 10-20+ years ago and heavy metal has become more ‘mainstream’ over the past decade or so. Not only has the music been exposed to a broader audience, the fashion of the genre too has spread and crossed social ‘classes’ of people. I’ve had a few females comment to me about a concert shirt I’ve been wearing and make comments about liking that particular band’s music, etc…
    I don’t believe allowing her to wear a heavy metal t-shirt, especially one for Metallica, will send any other message than her being a fan of heavy metal music(if she is) and/or a fashionable young lady.
    Actions and behaviors will do much more to give the ‘wrong impressions’ than a heavy metal t-shirt will.

  257. Yes I think your kindof overreacting a little.  Being a mother of three the heavy metal shirts conversation has happened in our house to.  We agreed to let them wear the shirts within reason because we knew our kids had good heads on their shoulders, and have been taught to not always judge people for their apperance.  Sounds like your daughter is pretty smart and confident her self, be proud you have done well.  Besides be thankful she isn’t asking to wear clothes that barely cover her.  Fight her on this one and she might be tempted to do something more extreme just to spite you.  Tatoos and piercings last a lot longer than a t-shirt.

  258. I would not want my son in a situation I would not allow my daughter in.  Once, my uncle refused to allow his daughter to go to a party because he said things could get out of hand.  Some boys may be drinking, and could force her to do things she didn’t want to do.  She might even be raped.  He, however, thought it was fine to allow her younger brother to go.  My question to him was, “Do you want your son to go to a party where someone could get raped?”   Some people will judge a person based on a Metallica tee.  However, they won’t care whether the wearer is male or female.  Does it matter to you that others may think less of your son?  I hope you can answer the same as for your daughter.

  259. As a sixteen year old I wore band shirts, was also allowed to dye my hair any color, and my ears held 16 piercings. I am now a 23 year old college graduate with 3 degrees that I paid for myself with the job that I held since I was a punky sixteen-year-old, I am married and about to buy a house. Most of the company I kept at that age are doing just as well as I. You might be overreacting, but a girl with a response as mature and thoughtful as that is going to do just fine in life: It’s only a t-shirt!

  260. As a sixteen year old I wore band shirts, was also allowed to dye my hair any color, and my ears held 16 piercings. I am now a 23 year old college graduate with 3 degrees that I paid for myself with the job that I held since I was a punky sixteen-year-old, I am married and about to buy a house. Most of the company I kept at that age are doing just as well as I. You might be overreacting, but a girl with a response as mature and thoughtful as that is going to do just fine in life: It’s only a t-shirt!

  261. It is the parent’s jub to teach values, proper behavior, and supervise their children.  I understand your daughter’s feelings and the feeling that you are being “sexist”, however, girls are generally much more vulnerable than guys are.  Young girls need to understand what messages they are sending by what they wear, be it Metallica shirts, tight clothing, extremely short skirts, tatoos, etc. Perhaps doing some “people watching” together and discussing the messages clothing, dress styles, and even behaviour send on both genders might open her eyes. 
    When dealing with teens, sometimes giving them reasons for you decisions helps them understand
    the big picture. 

  262. my advice is; choose your battles.  if the son gets to wear the t-shirts, then so should the daughter.  we’re talking tees not drugs or anything else harmful.  be happy that’s what she wants to wear.  it could be thongs with bikini tops, or something worse.

  263. What exactly do you think people will think of her? Are you worried about what they will think of her, or you?
    My mother and I had the same issue when I was younger. Kind of. What your daughter wants to do is nothing compared to the things I did. I went all out. And it scared my mother. She was afraid of how people would judge me (I gave her the same reasoning as your daughter did you, and I stick by it to this day) and she worried it was the beginning of something more sinister. The truth was, it was simply how I expressed myself. And it really didn’t affect my life. Not then, and not now. I never got into the things that my mother feared I might, I never received the negative attention she thought I would. And honestly, if a Metallica T-shirt is the biggest issue you have with her, count your blessings and buy her more. 

  264. What exactly do you think people will think of her? Are you worried about what they will think of her, or you?
    My mother and I had the same issue when I was younger. Kind of. What your daughter wants to do is nothing compared to the things I did. I went all out. And it scared my mother. She was afraid of how people would judge me (I gave her the same reasoning as your daughter did you, and I stick by it to this day) and she worried it was the beginning of something more sinister. The truth was, it was simply how I expressed myself. And it really didn’t affect my life. Not then, and not now. I never got into the things that my mother feared I might, I never received the negative attention she thought I would. And honestly, if a Metallica T-shirt is the biggest issue you have with her, count your blessings and buy her more. 

  265.  It’s obvious that you care about your daughter very much, but yes, I believe you are overreacting. I was one of those young girls who wore heavy metal band shirts and lots of black clothes, partially because I wasn’t into being girly, but mostly because I just loved the music. I see a lot of people commenting on here, saying that you don’t have to justify your decisions because you are her mother, but if you go about it that way your daughter, like many kids in such a situation, may just stop asking you for permission and go behind your back. Your relationship will be strained because she may feel that she can’t count on you to understand her. My mother always said, “If it isn’t permanent or life-threatening, it isn’t worth the fight.” I grew out of my band shirt phase and your daughter probably will too. Your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders if she
    has already figured out that people who form opinions based on
    appearance aren’t worth her time. As long as you continue to teach her to be a good, intelligent woman, a few silly shirts aren’t going to hurt anything.

  266. I would let the girl wear the shirt, I mean it is just a rock band shirt, it is not like it says ” I will have sex with anyone for free”.  What possible wrong message could a mother think a rock band shirt would give? “Oh my she likes rock music so she is easy”? Come on people that is 1950’s thinking. Expressing appreciation for a band’s musical talents does not mean a thing about the persons ability to make good moral decisions. If the mom is worried about that aspect, maybe she feels guilty for not instilling the proper virtues in her children.

  267. Maybe one way to get your daughter to understand your “sexist & unfair” point of view is to ask her whom she would rather be seen dating – a boy wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt; one wearing a Celine Deion shirt; or one wearing a Metallica shirt?   Human nature, people judge by appearance. 

  268. Honestly, what does it matter if she wants to wear Heavy Metal band shirts? Let her express herself. And it isn’t fair that you let one child (no matter what gender) wear the shirts and not the other. And your daughter is right. If someone would form an opinion of her based on a T-shirt then who cares what they say? It’s not like she wants to wear short skimpy skirts and shirts that barely cover anything. I wore heavy metal shirts as a teenager and you know what? It didn’t give off a bad impression. If anything, it helped break the ice when meeting new people and forming friendships because we had a similar interest. And heavy metal isn’t something that is gender related so what does it matter if a girl listens to heavy metal music and wears heavy metal band t-shirts and other merchandise? 

  269. I believe that you as the parent are in the right,however I also believe this problem could be solved if you allow her to wear such clothes but have her pay for them. When she begins wearing them,wear the same type of clothing.It will no longer be cool and she will have learned a lesson. 

  270. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  271. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  272. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  273. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  274. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  275. Let me say (as a mother of six….all grown) what hundreds of others are thinking. “REALLY?”
    Just be glad she wants to wear a shirt! She’s expressing herself AND appreciating a certain genre of music. Trust me, someday you’ll look back at this & wonder why you even worried. Like they say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
    Lou Ann,  McKinney, TX

  276. There is nothing wrong with a teenage girl showing her music appreciation through the clothes she wears. She is expressing her love of excellent musicians, such as Metallica, and although her mother does not appreciate the same type of music, she should allow her daughter to express herself in her own way. I agree with the daughter on this issue, and if the mother continues to argue against her daughter’s freedom of speech and clothing, she will end up putting much more of a gap in their relationship than their difference in music and fashion. I am a 45 year old grandmother now, but I have worn Metallica and other heavy metal band t-shirts since teenage years, and still wear them today. You need to pick your battles, and let your daughter pick her own clothes.
    Michelle Pabst
    Greeley, Colorado

  277. I see both points of view – some people who judge her may impact her life, but a 16 yr. old has a right to express herself – to a point. How about a compromise – she can only wear the band shirts on weekends unless she’s doing something like babysitting or interviewing for a summer job, etc. Maybe even Fridays to school – a sort of casual Friday thing?  There are a lot worse things  she could be asking to wear.

  278. Fortunately, the days of double standards are pretty much a thing of the past (a teenage metalhead is a teenage metalhead regardless of gender).  By wearing a heavy metal T-shirt, your daughter is engaging in a form of self-expression – a normal and healthy part of growing up.  Will people prejudge her?  Perhaps.  But they will soon discover that she is really the wonderful person that you are raising her to be.  And she will learn soon enough that there are times when appearance does matter (like during that all-important job interview).  In a day when so many young girls are going to extreme measures to conform to unrealistic expectations, your daughter is steadfast on remaining true to who she is.  So the next time she puts on that Metallica T-shirt, giver her a hug and tell her that you are proud of the strong woman that she is becoming.

  279. If she trusts her daughter and believes she makes the right choices. It shouldn’t be a problem. That is what we did with our daughter (my step-daughter)  who is now 20 years old. Yes sometimes you do have to say “no” to things. But pick your battles such as a shirt to low cut or tight. Or a skirt to high. It really helps with the parent child relationship. It will help down the road. And yes giving a explanation is a good idea. Our daughter now said she loved it. It didn’t feel like we were on a power trip to her. And the daughter is right about the 1st impression. If people are going to form a opinion. Than they are not people to waste time on. If she is a sensible kid. I’m just speaking on my experience. I know every family relationship is different. Mine wasn’t always the greatest but it turned out darn good.

  280. 1. Wearing a hard rock or metal shirt will not make your daughter a drug-addled, booze-filled bastion of promiscuity … But overbearing, intolerant and irrational parenting might.
    2. This might be just the opportunity you need to have a discussion about appropriate attire – enforcing the idea that one should choose carefully the time, place, and activities where dressing ‘down’ in something like a rock tour shirt would be acceptable. Hanging with friends? Go for it. Job interview? Unless that prospective job is ‘Roadie for Metallica’ then No.
    3. If you let her brother wear those clothes, you are on awfully shaky ground to find any solid reason for this double standard. Or do you want to further enhance the wonderful world of ‘Boys can, Women can’t?’
    4. Final point: wearing a rock shirt today isn’t the same as it was back in the day. I routinely see teens wearing shirts from groups ( like Metallica and even further back like Zepplin and Hendrix) who they probably barely have ever heard, much less who they have ever seen in concert live. In other words, no one is going to see your fresh-faced 16-year old daughter and confuse her with the haggard 42-year old sabertoothed veteran groupie they saw heading backstage at the Def Leppard concert some eons ago.

  281. 1. Wearing a hard rock or metal shirt will not make your daughter a drug-addled, booze-filled bastion of promiscuity … But overbearing, intolerant and irrational parenting might.
    2. This might be just the opportunity you need to have a discussion about appropriate attire – enforcing the idea that one should choose carefully the time, place, and activities where dressing ‘down’ in something like a rock tour shirt would be acceptable. Hanging with friends? Go for it. Job interview? Unless that prospective job is ‘Roadie for Metallica’ then No.
    3. If you let her brother wear those clothes, you are on awfully shaky ground to find any solid reason for this double standard. Or do you want to further enhance the wonderful world of ‘Boys can, Women can’t?’
    4. Final point: wearing a rock shirt today isn’t the same as it was back in the day. I routinely see teens wearing shirts from groups ( like Metallica and even further back like Zepplin and Hendrix) who they probably barely have ever heard, much less who they have ever seen in concert live. In other words, no one is going to see your fresh-faced 16-year old daughter and confuse her with the haggard 42-year old sabertoothed veteran groupie they saw heading backstage at the Def Leppard concert some eons ago.

  282. you should let her wear a more extreme heavy metal shirt and take her to walk around the town for a while. Then you can ask her if she really do not care about other opinion.

  283. Ummm. Hello?are we stuck in the fifties? Really how again is it different from boys then girls? I can’t tell you how frustrating that is to still hear and I am in my fourties.i get it’s not your preferred style, but the more you tell her you don’t like for those exact reasons, she will want it more then ever. Perhaps you say not the best colors on you or cut, but yes you can wear that. It’s probably the vintage style she is going for more so then the sex drugs and rock n roll deal that you were probably doing yourself. And you didn’t turn out so bad, did you? Just keep in mind if she is a good soul like you raised her then trust you did a good job, and let her spread her wings just a bit. Let het express herself. I mean she asked you for permission at sixteen, that’s almost unheard off. Only until you see unhealthy signs of life then I think it would be concerned. One last thing, don’t we also teach our kids to not judge a book by its cover? Which is more important? A stepford daughter or one that knows who she is?

  284. Ummm. Hello?are we stuck in the fifties? Really how again is it different from boys then girls? I can’t tell you how frustrating that is to still hear and I am in my fourties.i get it’s not your preferred style, but the more you tell her you don’t like for those exact reasons, she will want it more then ever. Perhaps you say not the best colors on you or cut, but yes you can wear that. It’s probably the vintage style she is going for more so then the sex drugs and rock n roll deal that you were probably doing yourself. And you didn’t turn out so bad, did you? Just keep in mind if she is a good soul like you raised her then trust you did a good job, and let her spread her wings just a bit. Let het express herself. I mean she asked you for permission at sixteen, that’s almost unheard off. Only until you see unhealthy signs of life then I think it would be concerned. One last thing, don’t we also teach our kids to not judge a book by its cover? Which is more important? A stepford daughter or one that knows who she is?

  285. I’ve seen 16 year old girls who wear sexually suggestive, age-inappropriate clothing.  This is dangerous.  Wearing a T-shirt with her favorite heavy metal band?  It’s a harmless way for her to express herself.  Please, count your blessings.

  286. I’ve seen 16 year old girls who wear sexually suggestive, age-inappropriate clothing.  This is dangerous.  Wearing a T-shirt with her favorite heavy metal band?  It’s a harmless way for her to express herself.  Please, count your blessings.

  287. I’ve seen 16 year old girls who wear sexually suggestive, age-inappropriate clothing.  This is dangerous.  Wearing a T-shirt with her favorite heavy metal band?  It’s a harmless way for her to express herself.  Please, count your blessings.

  288. I was a single mom of three teenagers in the 1980’s.  My oldest daughter was into radical clothing, hairstyles and “being her own person.”  My second daughter was into heavy metal, wearing chains, spikes and black clothing with heavy makeup.  My youngest, my son, was not quite as much an indivualist as his sisters but he did have some crazy hairdos!  I let them go through their “phase” but not allowing tattoes and piercings other than ears.  My oldest daughter is a Major in the US Army, has been deployed 4 times to Iraq and has served her country for 18 years. My heavy metal daughter is a Reverand and is a missionary in Romania in children’s ministries.  My son, who had the heart of an angel died in 2006 defending his country in Iraq.  Let them have their “phases”.  I believe our children learn more from life experiences than those who are not given that freedom.

  289. I’m a father of a daughter in her early teens who is definitely not a “typical” girl. She loves T-shirts & jeans, and yes some are heavy metal shirts. My ex-wife is constantly battling w/her to be more girly & I have always supported her self expression. I don’t, however, undermine her mother and constantly remind her that she must always be respectful and follow her mothers rules in that home. Doing this has brought me with her because she is allowed to genuinely be her self & we have a wonderful relationship. One where a modern teenage daughter talks to her father about what she feels. I agree with your daughter that this is sexist & sends a message that you treat her different just because she is a girl. I say drop the rule, allow for more self expression and use that opportunity to open more lines of conversation with your kids.

  290. I’m a father of a daughter in her early teens who is definitely not a “typical” girl. She loves T-shirts & jeans, and yes some are heavy metal shirts. My ex-wife is constantly battling w/her to be more girly & I have always supported her self expression. I don’t, however, undermine her mother and constantly remind her that she must always be respectful and follow her mothers rules in that home. Doing this has brought me with her because she is allowed to genuinely be her self & we have a wonderful relationship. One where a modern teenage daughter talks to her father about what she feels. I agree with your daughter that this is sexist & sends a message that you treat her different just because she is a girl. I say drop the rule, allow for more self expression and use that opportunity to open more lines of conversation with your kids.

  291. I also have a 16 y/o daughter, and two older sons (18 and 20). My daughter is quite sensitive to ANY issue that might be interpreted as sexist. I think that wearing a Mettallica T-shirt is completely harmless and no, guys won’t think she is a “bad” girl.
    She will by herself go through that phase, with or without your consent. She might as well hide the shrt somewhere else and wear it when you are not around. Better for you to be around when she experiments and much better that she only experiments with t-shirts.
    Hope it helps

  292. I am a 56 year old mother of two daughters soon to become a Grandmother and I I agree with your daughter and you do owe her your explanation as to why you feel the way you do about this!  There are a lot of small minded people in the world and their thoughts should not control your life or your daughters! The people who matter in her life are aware of what kind of person she is! I went through the dark stage with both of my daughters and I let them be their own person to a point! Each child is a different person , not that you love one more then the other, just know how to handle each one in the same situation !

  293. Ask your daughter if it’s socially acceptable for her brother to wear pink and purple clothes, a dress, a skirt or lipstick and eye shadow?  How about pretty nail polish?  Sounds ludicrous, sure, but that doesn’t make it fair for him.  Why does our culture approve or disapprove any of the things it does?  The answer doesn’t matter.  It’s NOT fair–but life isn’t fair.  And choosing to wear whatever we want just to spite societies acceptance rules isn’t going to make life any fairer.  It will probably just make life harder.  

    Personally, I don’t see your point about the shirt either, but I don’t live where you do and I’m sure you know your town’s social rules better than I do.

  294. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    There comes a time in life where, “sexism” issues arise. Your daughter does have an interesting point though. If you allow society to dictate what she should/shouldn’t wear, she will not find her individuality. In my personal opinion, unless it’s harmful to herself, allow her a little freedom of choice in clothes. She may just thank you for it later

  295. My advice is coming from my own experience. I was once in your daughter’s position. In the late 80’s and early 90’s I was a teenage girl who loved hard rock, glam rock, and metal and I had t-shirts to prove it. I don’t remember my parents ever saying that I shouldn’t wear them. I also had band posters all over my room. Now, to understand this a little deeper, I went to a private school, was a straight-A student, and never got into trouble. I just loved my rock and roll. 
    I think if you let your son wear the shirts, you need to let your daughter express herself also. If you had banned the shirts from your son’s wardrobe it would have been a different story, but she is seeing this as quite unfair and I agree. If you raised her right she will grow up to be a smart, successful adult regardless of what types of clothes she wears when she’s 16. I turned out okay – I’m a teacher now with two of my own girls, and they happen to know who AC/DC is.

  296. This is mother’s house, her rules apply to her children while they still live there, regardless if the daughter or son agree with them or not. In two years, if and when daughter move out, she can wear whatever she pleases.
    If her mother thinks rock tee shirts are not lady-like attire, the mother is entitled to her beliefs and shouldn’t be made to change her mind because “everyone else is doing it”.

  297. Is gender the only reason she can’t wear the shirt – while her brother can? If the only difference is one between boys and girls, and yet the difference between boys’ clothing needs and girls’ clothing needs are still totally satisfied (i.e. not going around revealing a bare chest, etc.), then yes, that is exactly what we call sexism. Or if it’s her music taste that you find questionable, while you didn’t question your son’s, then maybe it’s favoritism. Either way, I think it’s time for Mommy Dearest to back off. Look at it this way – maybe she listens to heavy metal while you don’t, but there are worse things to do than rock out with headphones on all day. (Like dealing drugs or getting pregnant.)

  298. Speaking as a mom of a 17-year-old, I would have to say you are overreacting. If the t-shirt was good enough for the brother to wear, why shouldn’t your daughter be able to wear it too? It’s for a heavy metal band, not drugs. I’m not sure what ‘impression’ your daughter would be giving by wearing this shirt or any band shirt. Just remember, if you raised her to make the right decisions in life, she’s going to be fine. As far as what other people think because of a shirt, I have to agree with your daughter. She could be wearing worse clothes. 

  299. I’m sorry but I have to side with the daughter on this one. You ARE being sexist and unfair and are definitely sending her the message that she should be treated differently because she is female. Honestly, if this is your big issue with a 16 year old girl, I personally think you should be thanking your lucky stars !

  300. You’re being ridiculous and unfair. Your daughter is right, she isn’t being unruly. People probably judge your son too, there is a certain personna that goes with wearing hard rock t-shirts, for both men and women. People who judge her on what she wears are rude . Probably people you don’t want her being with, if they’re that shallow. There is no reason she shouldn’t wear what she wants unless it is too revealing. You should stop over reacting to what she wears. Let her wear the T-shirts or stop letting your son wear them. 

  301. Yes, you are overreacting. Band t-shirts are not gender-specific just like a lot of clothes are not recently. I am unaware of this “wrong impression” you claim that she will receive, but she is old enough now where she can start making her own choices. There are much worse options for her such as low-cut tops and skirts that are so short it would be unwise for her to bend over. Then, you may need to have a word with her because it would be regarding her safety. I don’t think band t-shirts affect her safety as a young woman, so I would let her make her own choice this time.

  302. It’s OK for the teen to wear the tee shirt. Her argument is valid.  As mothers, we raise children as to how we remember life when we were teen-agers.In your day, mom, maybe your viewpoint was valid. However, there are so many other things out there that are truly worse for teens, that a tee-shirt issue is small potatoes. However, I would argue that explicit sex, profanity, or anything offensive on the shirt is a no-go.

  303. Are you over-reacting? In a word – YES. There are so many more important things in life than you being her wardrobe cop. So she likes Heavy Metal music, it’s no big deal and it could be a lot worse. At this age, kids want to express themselves and show what they like. I don’t know what people you think she would be giving wrong impressions to. She’s a teenager, & a girl. Have you seen what some of the 16 year old girls are wearing, or not wearing these days? Plus, she’s 16 and in 2 more years will legally be an adult, who can wear what she wants. Stifle her now and she could go way off just to irritate you. It’s a tee shirt, nothing really bad on there. In fact it’s quite harmless, if you ask me, and I’m 59 years old. You have to pick your battles wisely so that they will be disagreements not wars. What you have instilled in her, up to now, is who she is inside, not what she wears.

  304. Are you over-reacting? In a word – YES. There are so many more important things in life than you being her wardrobe cop. So she likes Heavy Metal music, it’s no big deal and it could be a lot worse. At this age, kids want to express themselves and show what they like. I don’t know what people you think she would be giving wrong impressions to. She’s a teenager, & a girl. Have you seen what some of the 16 year old girls are wearing, or not wearing these days? Plus, she’s 16 and in 2 more years will legally be an adult, who can wear what she wants. Stifle her now and she could go way off just to irritate you. It’s a tee shirt, nothing really bad on there. In fact it’s quite harmless, if you ask me, and I’m 59 years old. You have to pick your battles wisely so that they will be disagreements not wars. What you have instilled in her, up to now, is who she is inside, not what she wears.

  305. I would let her wear band T-shirts as long as there is no profanity on the shirt.  She is NOT you.  I was told that so many times, and it took me a long time to “get it”.  She must express herself and things could go bad if you stop her from being “her”.  She may hide things and your relationship will suffer.  I would save my efforts for the big stuff – and nurture her own creativivity and self-expression and most definitely let her wear band T-shirts.  There will be more important things in the future, so please let this go, yes you are over-reacting.  I have just lived through the same thing !

  306. I have to agree with the daughter on this one. Especially if she genuinely enjoys the bands’ music and wants to share that with people. Parents shouldn’t play favorites by allowing one child to do something (or wear something) and not allow other children the same opportunity. I don’t see how a girl wearing a Metallica shirt could give a wrong impression any more than a guy wearing it would, and I agree with the daughter that if someone judges her based on her clothing, then their opinion shouldn’t matter anyway. She’s 16; she’s old enough to make decisions for herself and make her own mistakes. You’ll only have her for a couple more years, do you really want to spend that time arguing about the little things?

  307. I have to agree with the daughter on this one. Especially if she genuinely enjoys the bands’ music and wants to share that with people. Parents shouldn’t play favorites by allowing one child to do something (or wear something) and not allow other children the same opportunity. I don’t see how a girl wearing a Metallica shirt could give a wrong impression any more than a guy wearing it would, and I agree with the daughter that if someone judges her based on her clothing, then their opinion shouldn’t matter anyway. She’s 16; she’s old enough to make decisions for herself and make her own mistakes. You’ll only have her for a couple more years, do you really want to spend that time arguing about the little things?

  308. I believe that with teens you have to pick your fights. If the other girls in her class are wearing similar t-shirts and the school has no policy forbidding it then let her do it. There will be a lot more important things later on which to stand your ground.

  309. I believe that with teens you have to pick your fights. If the other girls in her class are wearing similar t-shirts and the school has no policy forbidding it then let her do it. There will be a lot more important things later on which to stand your ground.

  310. Coming from a fellow 16 year old, I think it’s alright for her to wear such a t-shirt as long as her other attributes aren’t giving the wrong impression (i.e. odd piercings, crazy colored hair, etc). If she genuinely likes a band like Metallica, then why not show the world and make friends with similar interests? If she’s interested in the shirt to try to be edgy and give off a too-cool-for-school vibe, then I wouldn’t let her wear it because she’s not being herself and could definitely be judged negatively just for that.

  311. Coming from a fellow 16 year old, I think it’s alright for her to wear such a t-shirt as long as her other attributes aren’t giving the wrong impression (i.e. odd piercings, crazy colored hair, etc). If she genuinely likes a band like Metallica, then why not show the world and make friends with similar interests? If she’s interested in the shirt to try to be edgy and give off a too-cool-for-school vibe, then I wouldn’t let her wear it because she’s not being herself and could definitely be judged negatively just for that.

  312. Coming from a fellow 16 year old, I think it’s alright for her to wear such a t-shirt as long as her other attributes aren’t giving the wrong impression (i.e. odd piercings, crazy colored hair, etc). If she genuinely likes a band like Metallica, then why not show the world and make friends with similar interests? If she’s interested in the shirt to try to be edgy and give off a too-cool-for-school vibe, then I wouldn’t let her wear it because she’s not being herself and could definitely be judged negatively just for that.

  313. If you really feel she shouldn’t wear band t-shirts because she’s a girl, then you need to have a solid reason behind it that you can explain to her. At this point you’ve simply said no because she’s not a boy; making you the enemy, which will only push her to rebel. Explain to her how people’s first impressions of her should matter and trying to rectify one’s initial perception of a person is extremely difficult. I personally feel that wearing band t-shirts to school or other casual activities is fine. Times have changed and girls no longer have to confine themselves to a “woman’s wardrobe.” I would not however allow her to wear such shirts to more formal occasions or to a nice dinner, but at the same time I wouldn’t let my son either.  

  314. What kind of mother are you to deny your daughter the right to wear what she likes? From what I can tell, you don’t have a problem with the bands themselves, but with the image they project, thinking that your daughter might come off as ‘loose’, ‘tawdry’, or ‘rowdy’ by wearing those shirts. Tell me, does wearing glasses make someone smart? Does wearing a tie make them automatically professional? Does wearing a skirt make them feminine? (Might I direct your attention to the kilt.) Clothing is nothing more than fabric we cover ourselves with, and if your daughter wants to express herself via the band t-shirts, then who are you to deny her the right to? Perhaps she likes the bands and wants people to know that? By denying her the right to wear them while you let your son wear them, you are also setting a standard that men and women are not equals, meaning your daughter is right, you are being a sexist in that respect.
    People shouldn’t be judging your daughter solely by what it says on her shirt. They should be judging her based on her morals, values, education, etc., and you should be teaching your daughter that. Telling her that “it’s different for guys and girls” and “it gives the wrong impression” implies that you have delegated your daughter to a role that women fought hard to break out of: the subjugated 50’s housewife. Your daughter sounds strong, intelligent, and independent, and you should be praising these qualities, not treating her as if she’s acting like a tramp. Don’t make your daughter feel like you consider her worthless just because she doesn’t want to wear pink.

    -光 ♠

  315. One day my mother-in-law walked up to a girl who was wearing a t-shirt with objectionable writing on it.  She said, “Why would a beautiful girl like you want to wear something so ugly?”
    Maybe the mother needs to ask her daughter how she really feels wearing such clothes.  Does it make her feel beautiful, more self confident, happy?  Or does it bring her down to the level of those who want to desecrate the world we live in.

  316. As a mother of three girls the “its okay because he’s a boy” argument doesn’t fly. It is sexest and sending the wrong message. Does she think people didn’t judge her son for rocker t-shirts? Humans judge. there’s always going to be someone thinking her skirts too short, his hairs too long etc. Im sure in 16 years this mom has raised a smart, self confident, young woman,that will show through no matter what she wears. And if someone doesn’t see it its their lose.

  317. I have to agree with your daughter-you are being sexist. The best gift we can give our daughters is self confidence. It sounds like your daughter already possesses it-don’t discourage it by worrying about what others think.

  318.  

             Being a
    teenager is rough. Being a parent of a teenager is rough also. I think at this
    age you really need to pick your battles. At her age it is very important for
    her to develop he autonomy and express her individuality. I would say as long
    as it follows the school dress code she can make the choice in what she wears. She
    is the one who goes to school everyday and see what the other kids are wearing
    and is probably making the choice to dress in line with what her friends are
    wearing.

              If it’s
    still not acceptable to you I would say maybe make a compromise and say those
    kinds of shirts are only for sleeping and working out. That’s the compromise I made
    for my self. I still have a lot of my favorite band shirts but I wouldn’t wear
    them to work as an adult.

  319. I really feel that mom is overreacting a bit.  There are much worse things your 16 year old daughter could be doing and wearing then a Metallica T-shirt.  Hey!  They are heavy metal icons.  They have been around for years, and I think I actually have a t-shirt from the 80’s.  Also, for mom to say that it was different for her brother, wow… That could open up a whole can of worms. 

  320. its a tee shirt pick your battles. if this is the worst thing she wants to wear I see no problem

  321. If you have raised your children well, they should be able to make sound judgements by the time they are 16.  I was impressed that the daughter understood that people would and should judge her by her actions, not her clothing.  The mother is being biased.  She is treating the children differently based on gender stereotyping.  If it was perfectly acceptable for the boy to wear the shirt, it should be fine for the daughter.  As long as the shirt is not revealing, inflammatory or sexually explicit, she shouldn’t react. The mother needs to learn to choose her battles wisely.  Kids rebel when they feel they are being treated unfairly.  If these battles become routine, it is much harder to put your foot down on something really important.  Relax Mom, it’s just a shirt.

  322. Yes, you are in fact, overreacting.  This is a t-shirt that we’re talking about here.  By not letting her wear it because of what others might think, you’re showing her a couple of different things.  You’re basically telling her that it’s ok to judge based on what someone is wearing.  Another thing that’s being expressed to her, is that what she wants is less important than her brother’s wants. 
    Really.  It’s a t-shirt.  It will be taken off and something else put in its place tomorrow.  Come ask again when she wants a tattoo or piercing.

  323. As a mother with a 16 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I would like to remind people that as long as the cloths cover the right body parts and they are wearing the right outfits out to more special occasions. You daughter wearing a rock tee shirt is not the end pf the world. I would also like to add that metalica has some very powerful songs that speak on how we have treated our war vets and the desturction of the earth from our pollotion.

  324. Misunderstood Mom IS overreacting. Wearing band tshirts is common for everyone who likes particular musical groups. If she feels that strongly about her daughter sending the wrong type of impression then what would be fair is not allowing her son to do also because boys wearing certain tshirts could also be construed as giving a wrong impression. I think (as a mom of 6 kids) that both kids are expressing themselves through the music they like via tshirts logos and believe it or not it leads to making aquainteces the children have something in common with

  325. Short answer, you should let your daughter wear heavy metal t-shirts. I am a 20 year old young woman, in college with a 4.0, and I completely agree with your daughter that your explanation about t-shirt choices being “different for girls” is sexist and unfair.  There are many things that society might judge a young woman for, and heavy metal band t-shirts are not it. She’s at an age where she needs to define herself as an individual, and with good reason she’s not going to appreciate being defined by prejudices and double standards. Take a good, serious look at your own perceptions and think it over. I would suggest narrowing down which situations you don’t want her wearing these shirts in (i.e., not a church, not in front of Grandma or other adults like that, etc.). As a daughter, I always appreciated my mom explaining her concerns and allowing me to give my view. I hope you guys work this out! 
    P.S. I know some heavy metal bands—-Metallica is definitely pretty tame :)

  326. When the mother allowed the son to wear the heavy metal band shirts & not the daughter, it was unfair to the daughter.What is the “wrong impression” the girl is showing by wearing the band t-shirts? Not all teenagers/adults who wear these t-shirts use drugs or worship the devil; it simply means they like this music band. As a teenager & adult I wear heavy metal band shirts. My mother didn’t care that me & my brother wore heavy metal t-shirts as teenagers;I wore his Metallica shirt & he wore my Pantera shirt. My mother was glad that we could share unisex shirts of our favorite bands. Neither my brother or I use drugs, we just like heavy metal music, & wear these type of shirts.

  327. I agree with the daughter – the mother is being sexist and unfair.  I’m a girl, and as I teenager I too spent my life in rock and metal shirts; I loved music and loved concerts and liked to support my favorite bands. Did society judge me? Did I give the “wrong impression?” Maybe. Did I care? No. Wearing my Metallica shirts didn’t stop me from graduating at the top of my high school and college classes, earning a PhD in biology, and having an amazing career.  I’m 30 now and I still go to rock concerts and still wear my band shirts and still don’t care what other people think of my clothes.  Mom needs to stop being superficial and stop worrying about what society thinks…life isn’t about pleasing the masses, but about being an individual and a good person.

  328. I agree with the daughter – the mother is being sexist and unfair.  I’m a girl, and as I teenager I too spent my life in rock and metal shirts; I loved music and loved concerts and liked to support my favorite bands. Did society judge me? Did I give the “wrong impression?” Maybe. Did I care? No. Wearing my Metallica shirts didn’t stop me from graduating at the top of my high school and college classes, earning a PhD in biology, and having an amazing career.  I’m 30 now and I still go to rock concerts and still wear my band shirts and still don’t care what other people think of my clothes.  Mom needs to stop being superficial and stop worrying about what society thinks…life isn’t about pleasing the masses, but about being an individual and a good person.

  329. Kids will be kids and as long as what is on the t-shirt is not sexual or vulgar in nature, let her wear it. But it’s ultimately your call and your rules.After all, you are the parent and your word goes.

  330. The daughter is right, it’s unfair and biased.  Hard rock shirts don’t make the person.  Just draw the line at no shirts with offensive writing or print/drawings.  

  331. I am 60 years old and yes, you are overreacting. and yes, you are being unfair.  It is just a t-shirt.  Choose your battles wisely.  Plus, quite frankly, you are being biased.  Where did you get the idea that anyone who listens to heavy metal music has to be morally questionable?  It is okay to change your mind.  Tell her that you thought about it and that you reconsidered your decision.  Also, tell her that just because you changed your mind this time, doesn’t mean you will every time you have a disagreement.

  332. What kind of impression does a girl wearing a Metallica t-shirt give?  My sister and I both wore Metallica t-shirts at that age, and younger.  I think Metallica t-shirts are less offensive than most of the clothing that young girls wear.  She should be happy her daughter wants to wear a shirt that would actually cover her body instead of walking around in a shirt that looks like a bra and shorts that barely cover her butt. 

  333. Yes Mom, you’re overreacting. Your 16 year old daughter sounds like she has a very level head on her shoulders. She doesn’t care if someone would judge her by the clothes she wears. Isn’t that how we want our children to feel? That they are individuals and the clothing doesn’t make the person. Nor does it define who or how they are. Let her wear the t-shirts. She’ll thank you and I guarantee your relationship will be stronger in the long run. Plus your little girl won’t feel that you too are judging her.

  334. I’m wondering the mother’s real line of thought here. Who are these people whose opinions she’s so worried about? If her daughter wears a shirt for a completely mainstream (not heavy metal by any definition of the word, just rock) band, is she not going to get into college? Not going to get a job? (I’m presuming she wouldn’t wear a t-shirt to a job interview.) Be ostracized from her church?

    If no ill effects accrued to the son based on rock t-shirts, why would things be worse for the daughter? Does this family live in some odd enclave where teen girls don’t wear all kinds of t-shirts and jeans regularly?

    The whole thing seems odd. And yes, sexist and ridiculous. My mother had a saying “are they my boss, my mother or paying my bills? No? Then their opinion doesn’t matter.” And it’s true. What other people think about us doesn’t have to have any effect on us. It’s not even really any of our business. Mom needs to worry about other people less and her own kids more.

  335. I didn’t understand why the t-shirt would give a bad impression. It’s just a taste in music. That doesn’t mean that the daughter is a bad person! I would tell her “rock on, baby” if I were her mom. The mom couldn’t have thought the t-shirt was all that bad if she let her son wear it! It’s really not fair to the daughter not to be able to express herself! This is coming from a mom with two teenaged children, a son and a daughter. We listen to all kinds of music including Metallica.

  336. The only “impression” given by wearing a t-shirt for a band, is that the person likes that band. Unless the shirt has profanity or nudity on it, you are being very unreasonable here. As a parent, you have to pick your battles. Your kid wants to wear a shirt for a band she apparently likes. So what? Your only reason for opposing  her choice is that you don’t think girls should wear t-shirts for those bands. Your daughter is 100% correct that this is a sexist, unfair, and irrational opinion on your part. Let your kid wear the stupid shirt, and take a long, hard look at your reasoning behind this and other parenting decisions you make.

  337. The only “impression” given by wearing a t-shirt for a band, is that the person likes that band. Unless the shirt has profanity or nudity on it, you are being very unreasonable here. As a parent, you have to pick your battles. Your kid wants to wear a shirt for a band she apparently likes. So what? Your only reason for opposing  her choice is that you don’t think girls should wear t-shirts for those bands. Your daughter is 100% correct that this is a sexist, unfair, and irrational opinion on your part. Let your kid wear the stupid shirt, and take a long, hard look at your reasoning behind this and other parenting decisions you make.

  338. The real problem here is the double standard.  At the risk of sounding like a feminist, young men are alotted many more liberties than young women.  After this particular issue, what is to stop more double standards from occurring in this home?  If the mother has already allowed her son to wear heavy metal t-shirts or the like, the daughter has just as much a right to do so.  Dr. Seuss wisely wrote, “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”  The daughter has a point; if someone was to make a judgment about her based on what she is wearing, it is a reflection on them, not her. 

  339.  I am a 37 yr old heavy metal fan and to some one who is not a fan they don’t understand what the genre offers to teens. Metal musics is derived from feeling like you don’t belong, being misunderstood, being judged ect. This is the one place that they feel like they belong and people understand them. Unknown to those that are not fans, it is a very excepting and loving community of people that go far beyond to help those in need. I think that stopping her from wearing those shirts because of how someone may judge her is a poor excuse. You are and will be judged inaccurately your entire life by ignorant people that won’t take the time to get to know what kind of person you really are. She might as well learn that know, though I’m sure she already has. I agree with her comment of not caring what other people that judge her think. I made that choice at 15 yrs old to not care what someone thought of me. It was the best thing I ever did. I know am surrounded by friends that love me for me, not for what I have or what I can do for them. Stopping your child from learning life’s lessons because you don’t want them to be hurt or judged will not serve help her in the long run. Life is hard enough why fight her over wearing a t-shirt, she could be barely wearing any clothes like so many teens these days! 

  340. As a recently retired HS teacher of 33 years, I’m encouraged that there are at least some parents out there who monitor what their children wear & care about the impression it makes. If there is nothing obscene, nude, etc., this is not a battle to fight. What we teachers are so sick of seeing is cleavage, bare stomachs & navels showing, not to mention butt cracks & thong strings. Why not just come to school naked? Teenagers are not adults. Childhood & that includes teenage-hood, is training for adulthood & independence. & learning necessary life lessons.  Life in every arena is full of limts & rules & laws.  In order to be successful in a job or in life in general, this is an important lesson they need to learn BEFORE they are “out there” going for job and/or college interviews, applying for & working at a job, etc. Again, I appreciate Mom’s concern; but if no obscenity, etc., let this one go & concentrate on the more important issues.

  341. I went through the same issue with my parents when I was a teen in the early 80’s. I DO see your point, but think of it this way…if your son wears them…and you don’t think it adversely effects how people see him…and his friends also dress the same and are good kids, chances are your daughter wearing concert t-shirts will attract boys that also like music..maybe even your son’s friends. I’d let her wear them for awhile…and as long as she’s covered, respects herself, follows houserules etc…maybe she’ll grow out of it (as I did) maybe not, but I’d be more worried if her grades fell, or she hung out with bad influences. Funny..but those old t-shirts are worth alot now lol. Relax mom…you’ll get through this…and good luck!

  342. I think that she should be allowed to wear the shirt it’s not hurting anything. Plus you can’t allow one child to wear rock shirts and not let the other due to gender i think it sends a bad message. Honestly I’d understand being against it if she wanted to wear low cut shirts and really short shorts but it’s just a rock tee shirt i don’t see the big deal.

  343. Overreacting. At least she’s not sporting Daisy Dukes and tube tops — a t-shirt with a skull on it might not be attractive, but it’s only advertising a preference for loud guitars and a growly lyric line. At 16 she’s going to make some fashion faux pas, but she deserves to be able to make them as long as they cover what nobody should be seeing — especially if you gave her brother the same courtesy. The law of teenage contradictions is also on your side. Nothing is as attractive as what your parents tell you you can’t do — once you can, it’s not nearly as much fun.

  344. P.S. Bet none of you expected someone like me to be the only one in my family who reads r.d. on a regular basis. Some of you should take the time to understand something before you decide how wrong it is.

    -C.D.

  345. Dear Misunderstood Mom,

    I agree with your daughter. 
    A shirt with Metallica simply means she likes the band Metallica.  Certainly, band attire is not going to be
    appropriate everywhere.  If her chosen band
    clothing depicts other aspects, such as sex, drugs, etc. that you do not feel
    is appropriate for her (or your son) to publicly display then you may have an
    argument.  But in this case, I think you
    are overreacting.  Let her win this battle and pat yourself on the back for rasing a child who understands she should not judge others and deserves to be treated fairly.

  346. As the mother of three daughters, aged 23, 20 and 16 I wonder if there may be other more important issues to take a stand on at this age? As your daughter is getting close to the age when she will be going out to work or off to college, its seems she should be trusted to choose her own attire. If you’ve been having an ongoing dialoge with your daughter about clothing and dressing appropriately since she wanted to dress herself (usually age 2-3 for girls), I’m sure she has learned a thing or two, even if she wants to spread her wings a bit now. If you have legitimate concerns about the clothing like profanity or something else offensive, you need to back up our rule with that argument. I’m not a fan of band t-shirts, but I thing telling a teenaged girl that it’s Ok for boys but not for girls is a HUGE problem. It takes the focus off the clothing issue and makes it about what girls are capable or not cabable of just because they are girls.

  347. Your daughter wearing a concert tshirt is definitely sending a message. It says: A teenage girl is wearing a tshirt.

    Give it up Mom. You’re wrong. Apologize to your daughter and get over it. And possibly review other silly gender bias rules that you have in your family.

  348. As long as it is not cut or shredded or vulgarity,let her express herself, pick your battles.

  349. Your daughter is right. Telling her she can’t wear a shirt that you would let her brother wear because girls are different perpetuates misogyny. Women are not objects; if someone stereotypes her for liking Metallica, the problem is not her shirt, the problem is with the person doing the stereotyping. 

  350. If the shirt was degrading or vulgar, it would be an issue; however, if it is just an advertisement for a band or album, I don’t see what the big deal is. Especially given the fact that her son was able to wear rock shirts. You can like a band or a type of music regardless of your gender. Sounds like Mom just wants to keep her little girl sweet and innocent a bit longer…..which I get, but she has to grow up eventually….and it’s just a shirt.

  351. Dear Misunderstood,  Your 16-year-old daughter is trying to find her identity.  Let her wear what she wants as long as her clothes are not going to get her arrested.  You’ll find your daughter will appreciate the fact you are allowing her to be her own person.  If you push too hard she’ll most likely rebel and just the wear the shirt anyways behind your back. 

  352. I think this mom needs to look around and see what most 16-year-old girls are wearing. If I saw a 16-year-old girl wearing a shirt with a band name on it, I’d think she likes that band. If I see a girl wearing skin tight clothing with way too much skin showing, I’m going to think she has a mother who doesnt care what she wears in public!

  353. I think this mom needs to look around and see what most 16-year-old girls are wearing. If I saw a 16-year-old girl wearing a shirt with a band name on it, I’d think she likes that band. If I see a girl wearing skin tight clothing with way too much skin showing, I’m going to think she has a mother who doesnt care what she wears in public!

  354. You must understand, many teenage girls like heavy metal bands. And what ‘opinions’ are you talking about? That she has a broad range of musical tastes? She’s not getting a tattoo here- try to keep an open mind. You cannot just force her to stop wearing these shirts, especially if her brother wears shirts like them. If you are going to force her to stop wearing band shirts, at least give your daughter a real reason- she at least deserves that!

  355. I am disgusted that you would tell your own daughter that what is permissible for her brother is not for her just because she is a girl. If you had a fundamental problem with the connotation of those shirts and let neither of the children wear them, fine. But what is okay for one is okay for both, and in this case I agree with your daughter. You are being unfair and sexist indeed.

  356. Save your battles for more important things Mom! If the tee shirt is exposing her boobs is one thing, but if she is completely covered….be thankful!

  357. Dear Misunderstood Mom,

    I think your 16-year-old daughter is right that your being a little “unfair”.  As long as there aren’t inappropriate pictures or language on the shirt, what’s the big deal?  Do you remember being young and wearing a T-shirt with your favorite band? Lighten up mom! I’m not sure what “wrong impression” she would be giving off if she wore a Metallica Shirt besides showing support for the band and as a form of self-expression. If you still think it’s a bad idea, I think an explanation is necessary. If you allowed your son to wear shirts like this in the past, I can imagine how confusing this might be to your daughter as to why she can’t wear similar gear. 

    Sarah G., Baltimore, Maryland 

  358. Choose your battles, Mom. When I think about what I was up to at 16, wearing a heavy metal tee is nothing! It’s great that your daughter is open enough to talk to you. Keep that door open, and let her wear the shirt.

  359. Choose your battles, Mom. When I think about what I was up to at 16, wearing a heavy metal tee is nothing! It’s great that your daughter is open enough to talk to you. Keep that door open, and let her wear the shirt.

  360. Pick your battles, Mom. When I remember what I was up to at 16, wearing a heavy metal tee is nothing! It’s great that your daughter is talking to you about how she feels. Keep that door open, and let her wear the shirt. 

  361. Dear Misunderstood Mom, Yes, you are overreacting! Your
    daughter is just trying to express who she is right now in her life. Teenagers
    are going through a lot during those years; don’t make it harder on her by
    trying to dictate who she should be. Teens that don’t feel in control of their
    own life turn to dangerous things like cutting or anorexia. I think those are
    what you should be worrying about….we are talking about a T-shirt, right?
    Besides, if you tell her she can wear it if she wants to, she probably won’t.
    There are more important values you should be teaching your daughter. Like;
    that you love her no matter what she wears or what she does, that it is
    important not to judge a book by its cover, and that it is important to be tolerant.
    As long as she is not harming herself, you should be grateful that you have a
    healthy daughter.

  362.  I’m a college educated 30-year old female with a well-paying, steady, professional job where I’m well-respected by all of my coworkers (both subordinates and superiors). I’m in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship with a man who gives me the world. I go to church and do volunteer work on my weekends.

    And guess what? When I was 16, practically every single t-shirt I owned and wore was for either a rock or metal band. Those bands were my life. They were how I expressed myself and they also afforded me the luxury of having some sort of conversation starter (as shy and introverted as I was) on a topic that I loved to talk about. My parents never understood (or even liked) rock music, but they always tried to allow me and my siblings an opportunity to foster our likes and interests. They knew that some things, like band t-shirts, would just be a passing phase. The general foundation of morals and beliefs that they provided us with (along with all of that unconditional love) was what helped me and my siblings make such positive life choices as adults.

    My advice to you is to not sweat the small things. Let your daughter wear those t-shirts. Heck, throw her a curve ball and try to start making some positive conversation with her about the bands. Having Mom show interest in them will either lead to thinking metal isn’t as cool anymore, or better yet, will allow her to build more respect for you and feel more comfortable talking to you about the bigger issues in life.

  363. What impression would that be?  That she likes metal?  Her music tastes do not dictate her character.  There are benefits to wearing band shirts.  Several times when my nephew and I have been sporting metal shirts we’ve been able to strike up conversations about music and upcoming concerts with friendly strangers who have similar interests.  Those conversations, and the warm feelings of affinity, would never have occurred without those shirts. 
       Aunt Cindy in Philadelphia  

  364. It appears to me that you need to realize that not everyone is as judgmental as you may think. The one girl in my high school that wore heavy metal t-shirts was well liked and respected by teachers and students alike. She also became the valedictorian of my graduating class (1996). In short, let your daughter express herself. Kids are smarter than you think, or remember.

  365. Overreacting. Yes. If your daughter & son were seen out in public and he was wearing a metal shirt, would people think “What’s with that girl? Hanging out with a boy dressed liked that!” Get real. Misunderstood Mom needs to rethink her gender bias. You raised both of your children, hopefully with the same values. If one of your kids can wear a band t shirt, all should be able to. The time to have the boy / girl talk is about sex. Not t shirts………….

  366. I have judged people many times by their t-shirts. I once rejected a job candidate purely because he came to the interview wearing a t-shirt featuring a graphic of a large nose and the wording “Pick a winner.” However, an offensive shirt is an offensive shirt. It has nothing to do with gender. You may want to think about the message your conversation sent to your daughter about what it means to be a woman.

  367. As a teenage girl myself, I find it unfair for the daughter not to be allowed to wear something of her own choice without an indepth reasoning from her mother. A simple “it is different for boys and girls” is not fair and not respectable. My own mother and I have a very good relationship because it works both ways. She is allowed to question my choices and I am allowed to question her reasoning.

  368. this is just crazy.  when a girl wears these kinds of shirts it gives the wrong impression?  what impression is that, exactly?  this sounds more like mom’s point of view than the world-in-general’s, and it sounds incredibly dated.  daughter sounds like an amazing young woman.  metal fans usually are.  quit being sexist (and silly), and let her wear what she wants.  set some ground rules if you don’t want her wearing shirts with curse words or blood & guts, but to tell your 16 year old daughter that people will get the wrong impression of her because she wears a metallica shirt is just stupid, plain and simple.  what year is this, again? 

  369. You are indeed overreacting. As long as the shirts don’t have profanity or aren’t provocative, I would let her wear them. Teenagers need to express their interests and your daughter just wants to express hers – just as her brothers did (and you were fine with it for them). I’m 47, and have been wearing my favorite band t-shirts since I was 14 – I’m wearing one right now, in fact!

  370. You are indeed overreacting. As long as the shirts don’t have profanity or aren’t provocative, I would let her wear them. Teenagers need to express their interests and your daughter just wants to express hers – just as her brothers did (and you were fine with it for them). I’m 47, and have been wearing my favorite band t-shirts since I was 14 – I’m wearing one right now, in fact!

  371. Yes, Mom, you are definitely overreacting.  If it is a shirt you would allow your teenage son to wear – not obscene or offensive, then your daughter should be able to wear it also.  I am a 50+ mom who likes metal bands.  I sometimes go to concerts and get t-shirts.  I am wondering what kind of wrong impression my wearing those shirts is giving.  Silly me, I just thought it was showing that I enjoyed the band’s music.  So please let your daughter express her personality in this harmless way.  Sounds to me like you are too concerned about outward appearances.  My daughter was a straight A, honor student who got a full tuition scholarship to a prestigious university.  She went through a period when she had purple stripes in her hair, in my opinion it was a harmless expresion of individuality and she eventually gave it up.   You might try being happy your daughter wants to wear t-shirts instead of tops that barely cover her breasts and truly do give a wrong impression.

  372. Yes, Mom, you are definitely overreacting.  If it is a shirt you would allow your teenage son to wear – not obscene or offensive, then your daughter should be able to wear it also.  I am a 50+ mom who likes metal bands.  I sometimes go to concerts and get t-shirts.  I am wondering what kind of wrong impression my wearing those shirts is giving.  Silly me, I just thought it was showing that I enjoyed the band’s music.  So please let your daughter express her personality in this harmless way.  Sounds to me like you are too concerned about outward appearances.  My daughter was a straight A, honor student who got a full tuition scholarship to a prestigious university.  She went through a period when she had purple stripes in her hair, in my opinion it was a harmless expresion of individuality and she eventually gave it up.   You might try being happy your daughter wants to wear t-shirts instead of tops that barely cover her breasts and truly do give a wrong impression.

  373. Yes, Mom, you are definitely overreacting.  If it is a shirt you would allow your teenage son to wear – not obscene or offensive, then your daughter should be able to wear it also.  I am a 50+ mom who likes metal bands.  I sometimes go to concerts and get t-shirts.  I am wondering what kind of wrong impression my wearing those shirts is giving.  Silly me, I just thought it was showing that I enjoyed the band’s music.  So please let your daughter express her personality in this harmless way.  Sounds to me like you are too concerned about outward appearances.  My daughter was a straight A, honor student who got a full tuition scholarship to a prestigious university.  She went through a period when she had purple stripes in her hair, in my opinion it was a harmless expresion of individuality and she eventually gave it up.   You might try being happy your daughter wants to wear t-shirts instead of tops that barely cover her breasts and truly do give a wrong impression.

  374. You should let her wear them because not letting her and letting your son wear them is sexist. People will form the same opinions of her as they would her son. It shows only her taste in music and becomes a conversation starter for others with the same likes. THAT IS ALL. There really is not a stigma attached to wearing bad shirts. A shirt is just a shirt, nothing more. She is only expressing herself. At least she is not asking to tattoo the band on her body at the age of 16.

  375. A Metallica shirt is not going to give the wrong impression.  Besides the blatant sexism, there’s nothing wrong with band shirts.  And think of it this way… your daughter is covering up a lot more in that band shirt than she probably is in any other juniors department top.

  376. I’m 17 years old, I’m a girl, and I wear a heavy metal shirt nearly every day of my life. I do believe you’re overreacting, perhaps because you don’t agree with her taste in music or in style. I don’t think you’re being sexist, but it is rather unfair for you to approve the clothing your son wore but forbid your daughter to wear the same style. In my opinion there is absolutely no difference between guys and girls when it comes to clothes, either gender should be allowed to wear whatever they want and not be criticized. It is just a shirt, afterall. It’s not a tattoo, it’s removable and it’s not a permanent mark that she’ll have to live with forever. Regardless, you are her parent so your opinion and decision is going to overrule any desire she proposes. Please keep in mind  teenagers (myself included) need (not just want) a reason for our parent’s decisions. That’s what helps us make our own choices in the future.

  377. Honestly? If you don’t have a reason any more valid than “Because it’s different for girls than it is for guys,” then you don’t have a very valid reason. Gender roles are steadily changing–as they should–and are not viewed the same way they were years ago. And most young people recognize this.

    Ask yourself: What harm can really come from letting her dress as she chooses? The possibility of people looking at her differently is probably the worst thing that can come to mind, and wouldn’t it be a good thing for her to learn, especially at this age, that sometimes she needs to do what makes her happy even if other people question it?

    I think it’s an important value to learn: While others’ input is valuable, it shouldn’t determine every decision you make, right down to the clothes you wear. And if she’s strong enough to say, “This is how I want to express myself and I’m not going to let myself be hurt by others who don’t like it,” then more power to her. The disapproval of others is something every single one of us will face at some point over some issue, and I think this girl is making a darn good decision in recognizing that and still being willing to do what makes her happy in spite of it.

  378. I wore band t-shirts when I was in high school, and I’m a girl.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with supporting bands you like.  Why does wearing a t-shirt for a band have to be different for boys and girls and what wrong idea is being perceived by those who see her wearing this shirt?  The ‘wrong idea’ is that boys and girls need to be forced into specific gender roles and ideals.  Girls don’t need to be dressed a certain way just because that’s what society seems to be telling them.  

  379. I agree with the daugher on this one. Either the heavy metal band shirts are ok to wear for both son and daughter, or they are not ok for either son or daughter. Be fair to both of your kids. Explain your feelings about how clothing can make an impression on others, and how it may affect how people treat you. Your choice of clothing can have unforseen consequences and/or benefits. Share your feelings with your children, then let them decide how to dress.

  380. If the brother is also minor or at the very least living under your roof, then “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.” Let her wear it, otherwise you are enforcing a double standard that does appear to be “sexist and unfair,” even though I agree that people may judge the person by the t shirt she or he wears. Therefore such attire should be not be worn when it’s inappropriate. Not at a job interview for example.Personally, I’ve seen ADULTS of both sexes and all ages wearing t shirts inscripted with offensive, stupid, and vulgar illustrations and messages, none of which representing a rock band of any genre, heavy metal or otherwise. And, yes, I did judge the wearer unfavorably.

  381. Does the shirt reveal her belly? Is it cut very low? Is it so tight it shows everything? If not, I say let her wear the shirt.

  382. Sounds like she has a pretty good head on her shoulders about what people think. Go ahead let her wear what she wants, her good sense will get tired of comments and looks she recieves. At 16 shes probably just trying to push your buttons anyway…Been there done that.

  383. I am 33 years old and have been wearing band t-shirts for almost 17 years. I don’t think I gave anyone the wrong impression about me. My parents raised me to respect others, treat others the way I want to be treated, and have manners. The person that I am on the inside is more important than how I dress on the outside and it shows by the way I act, not by the t-shirts I wear. Believe me, there are much worse things your daughter could be wearing…with or without your permission. Encourage her to express herself and have a style of her own. She will appreciate it later.

  384.  Just be glad that your daughter doesn’t want to wear provocative clothing. Let her get the t-shirt as long as it doesn’t break your moral standards such as having swearing on the shirts, or support of alcohol or drugs. If they are so bad, why do they let kids wear them to school? 

  385. As far as I have seen, band shirts cover all necessary areas of the body. It’s not as though she were requesting to wear a shirt with expletives on them.
    It is up to your daughter to decide what kind of impression she wants to give. And she’s right; people who judge based on clothes aren’t worth worrying over.
    You were able to pick her wardrobe when she was little. Relax and enjoy the fact that she isn’t interested in the low-cut neckline shirts that are increasingly available.

    HOWEVER. If you are seriously worried about your daughter wearing those clothes, please come up with a better reason for it. Teenagers, amazingly, can understand reasoning if it makes sense. Your reasoning is simply, “What will the neighbors think?!” and your daughter doesn’t seem to think this is a good explanation.

    (I swear

  386. Oh wow. If you’re going to tell your daughter that her clothing sends the “wrong message”, you’d better be able to not only tell her what that message is, but why it’s wrong.

  387. You are at least partly correct, because nothing says, “Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’Roll” like a heavy metal T-shirt. On the other hand your daughter has a point when she says you are being “sexist and unfair” for not letting her dress like her brother. Do you really want to perpetuate the double-standard that gives boys a wink of approval for the same behavior you would condemn in a girl? 

  388. It sounds sexist to me too if you think your son can wear it but not your daughter. As long as she is wearing it properly and not tying it in a knot like a bra I think it is ok.

  389. Speaking as a girl who wore heavy metal t-shirts when I was young, younger than her daughter infact I see nothing wrong with it. I often got my big brother’s hand-me-downs when I was younger and metal shirts were the only ones I really had, besides that he and I shared a mutual love of some bands, including Metallica and so I wore the shirts with pride. However not once was I labeled for it. I was a fantastic student, always friendly and I had a reputation for being a bit of a teacher’s pet. Not once did I get labeled simply for what I wore. It’s not like she’s asking to dress provocatively and if the shirts DO have something offensive on them (ie: cussing or anything sexual.) then you can and probably should deny her rights to where those particular ones, but if they’re just normal band shirts then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that in my opinion. And yes, if you allow her brother to wear them and not her I do agree with her, that’s a big double standard.

  390. Speaking as a girl who wore heavy metal t-shirts when I was young, younger than her daughter infact I see nothing wrong with it. I often got my big brother’s hand-me-downs when I was younger and metal shirts were the only ones I really had, besides that he and I shared a mutual love of some bands, including Metallica and so I wore the shirts with pride. However not once was I labeled for it. I was a fantastic student, always friendly and I had a reputation for being a bit of a teacher’s pet. Not once did I get labeled simply for what I wore. It’s not like she’s asking to dress provocatively and if the shirts DO have something offensive on them (ie: cussing or anything sexual.) then you can and probably should deny her rights to where those particular ones, but if they’re just normal band shirts then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that in my opinion. And yes, if you allow her brother to wear them and not her I do agree with her, that’s a big double standard.

  391. I agree with your daughter. The teenage world is a harsh place sometimes and teaching her to care about what people think of her could do more damage than good. Unless the t-shirt has curse words or disturbing images, I don’t think what t-shirt she wants to wear really matters. Also, she is 16 and as a mother you do have the final say, but think about when she turns 18. There will be many more conflicts at that age when teens are trying to “discover themselves” as people say. Unless she starts not caring what people think about her as a person (being respectful, etc.), than I would relax and be happy that she wants to wear t-shirts and not revealing shirts and mini skirts! 

    Also, I am an 18 year old girl who just graduated from high school and I definitely know the harsh high school world. My parents have always respected my choices of outfits(as long as they aren’t revealing or suggestive) and I definitely respect and thank them for letting me “discover myself.” :)

    Hope this helps!

  392. The daughter is right. In my house my brother and I were treated under the same rules. If you do for one you must do for the other. As far as people forming opinions, I would follow the old saying; ” those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

  393. The daughter is right. In my house my brother and I were treated under the same rules. If you do for one you must do for the other. As far as people forming opinions, I would follow the old saying; ” those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

  394. To quote a famous rocker: “the times, they are a-changin’ “.  In a simpler, bygone era, a t-shirt emblazoned with “Elvis Presley” or “The Beatles” would be cause to suspect that the wearer ran with a “rough crowd” and had “loose morals”.  Now, they would be the kid who listens to the classics.  I don’t think your daughter would be judged so much by the logo on her shirt than by the manner in which it’s worn.  If she’s wearing it with the collar cut off so it shows any cleavage or hangs off the shoulders, pairs it with a skirt so short she can’t bend over without revealing what color underwear she’s wearing and so much make-up that a Ringling Bros. clown would be jealous, then she will get the reputation you fear.  But a properly fitting Metallica shirt with, say, a pair of jeans?  That labels her as nothing more than someone who enjoys the band’s music.   And even more important than the clothes she’s wearing or the manner in which their worn?  Her actions.  Let them speak for who she is, and she will get the reputation she deserves, good or bad.

  395. I don’t understand at all why there would be a gender difference on this issue, or why it would imply something bad if a girl wore the shirt, but not if her brother wore a similar shirt? This does not make sense to me.

  396. As a recent teenager (female) who DID wear Metallica shirts to the majority of high school, I say let this one go. Not because it’s sexist (I will point out, though, if you let your son choose his clothing, it is) but because your daughter is 16 years old, and it’s just clothing. As long as she is not running afoul of school dress codes, who cares what she wears? And FYI, she’s right: those who judge what she wears at 16 have no place in her life. My best friends from elementary, middle and high school are still close with me after all these years. At present, I am nearing 30, happily married for seven years to a wonderful, intelligent man. We have a house, steady long-term high-paying jobs, two cars that we own free and clear and a dog – none of which we have been gifted. The Metallica, Pantera, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, etc, T-shirts I wore at your daughter’s age did not hinder me in any way.

  397. The one rule I lived by while my daughter was growing up was “choose your battles.”  Drugs, smoking, and sex were issues that needed to be dealt with. The same goes with traits such as honesty and kindness.  My daughter wanting to wear a t-shirt doesn’t even come close to being a problem.  I’d rather her wear t-shirts than tops showing her bare midriff. 

  398. I personally think you are over reacting. If your daughter wants to wear the t-shirts then let her. There will be some people that form unfair opinions about her because of that, but there are plenty that won’t, but I understand your concern. I suggest a compromise. If there is a formal affair, a family outing, or other more formal event ask her to wear something else. If she is hanging out with friends or doing something less informal let her wear the shirts and express who she is. Simply banning them will only cause a bigger fight and during the teen years there will be plenty to fight about. This will help show your daughter that you are still the parent, but also respect her and the identity she is trying to form for herself.

  399. It’s just a t-shirt. if it has an offensive or inappropriate picture on it, don’t let her wear that particular one.  She has a valid argument if you let her brother wear them. And what kind of wrong impression does it give when a girl wears them? that she likes metallica? it’s just a band shirt. would you be so against it if it was a boyband t-shirt? She’s 16. be thankful she’s not sneeking out of the house in a micro mini skirt and halter top. let her wear the heavy metal shirts. 

  400. So, it’s alright for your son to give a wrong impression?  Why do some parents think that sons are meant to be “wild” while daughters should be in aprons?  As long as the clothes aren’t offensive or sexually suggestive then I think it would be just fine for any child to wear a rock band t-shirt.

  401. So, it’s alright for your son to give a wrong impression?  Why do some parents think that sons are meant to be “wild” while daughters should be in aprons?  As long as the clothes aren’t offensive or sexually suggestive then I think it would be just fine for any child to wear a rock band t-shirt.

  402. So, it’s alright for your son to give a wrong impression?  Why do some parents think that sons are meant to be “wild” while daughters should be in aprons?  As long as the clothes aren’t offensive or sexually suggestive then I think it would be just fine for any child to wear a rock band t-shirt.

  403. To add to what I said, if it’s because it’s heavy metal and you oppose that kind of music and feel that it represents drugs, sex, and aggression, well you did allow your son to wear those t-shirts.  Just because people listen to certain music, doesn’t mean they are party hounds and going to take on that mindset.  However, if you did go down a path with your son that lead to that lifestyle and are now afraid that your daughter is going to get hooked up into it, then it’s more than the t-shirt we’re talking about.  It’s about a serious issue that does need to be addressed. Overall, most music represents some kind of attitude and lifestyle whether it’s Rap, Hip/Hop, Pop, Heavy Metal, Indy all of it.So, just keep an eye out, keep an open mind, don’t judge to harshly, and be there for your daughter when she needs you.  These next years are going to fly by and before you know it, she’s off to college and embarking on her own dream, living her own life, and you’ll no longer have a say at all in what she does or doesn’t do.  You might think you do, but overall, you don’t.  She’s going to make her own choices good or bad.  By the way, I would prefer my daughter to wear a t-shirt from Metallica over Lil’ Wayne any day.  Not that she wears any t-shirts, I’m just saying, it could be worse.

  404. Okay, Mom.  The question is about heavy metal t-shirts that you allowed your son to wear, but feel they are too masculine and represent the wrong image on a female.  My question back to you would be, do you allow your daughter to participate in activities that could be only male dominated?  Would you tell your daughter, for example, that she doesn’t need to learn how to work on her car because that’s what men are for?  What about mowing the lawn, learning about tools, being an engineer instead of a teacher?  If your issue is only because she’s a girl and you don’t care for the way these t-shirts make your daughter look tougher and harder, then  you have an issue.  We need to raise our young women to not be typed cast into any specific gender category..  Women should be who they want to be and if that means wearing concert t-shirts from Metalica then so be it.  If she wants a boys style hair cut, oh well.  Support her don’t discourage her.  You are buying into  stereotypes that women are trying very desperately to get out of.

    We need to learn to pick and choose our arguments with our adolescents and believe me an argument over a t-shirt is the least of your worries at this age.  There’s a lot of other issues that are heading your way.  Don’t loose your relationship with your daughter over something as minor as this.  If she begins to see you as the Nazi party (and she will) she won’t trust you.  She won’t come to you when there is a real issue.  Seriously, it’s best to let her express her individuality the way she chooses too, bright red hair and all.  This is the time where they are learning about themselves, trying to separate from their parents and finding out who they are as individuals.  You deny that and you’ll have a much bigger problem on your hands in a matter of time.  

  405. Okay, Mom.  The question is about heavy metal t-shirts that you allowed your son to wear, but feel they are too masculine and represent the wrong image on a female.  My question back to you would be, do you allow your daughter to participate in activities that could be only male dominated?  Would you tell your daughter, for example, that she doesn’t need to learn how to work on her car because that’s what men are for?  What about mowing the lawn, learning about tools, being an engineer instead of a teacher?  If your issue is only because she’s a girl and you don’t care for the way these t-shirts make your daughter look tougher and harder, then  you have an issue.  We need to raise our young women to not be typed cast into any specific gender category..  Women should be who they want to be and if that means wearing concert t-shirts from Metalica then so be it.  If she wants a boys style hair cut, oh well.  Support her don’t discourage her.  You are buying into  stereotypes that women are trying very desperately to get out of.

    We need to learn to pick and choose our arguments with our adolescents and believe me an argument over a t-shirt is the least of your worries at this age.  There’s a lot of other issues that are heading your way.  Don’t loose your relationship with your daughter over something as minor as this.  If she begins to see you as the Nazi party (and she will) she won’t trust you.  She won’t come to you when there is a real issue.  Seriously, it’s best to let her express her individuality the way she chooses too, bright red hair and all.  This is the time where they are learning about themselves, trying to separate from their parents and finding out who they are as individuals.  You deny that and you’ll have a much bigger problem on your hands in a matter of time.  

  406. You must be delusional if you think wearing a t shirt will give the wrong impression. It’s a band. Not a cult. Children need freedom from time to time.

  407. You must be delusional if you think wearing a t shirt will give the wrong impression. It’s a band. Not a cult. Children need freedom from time to time.

  408. Your daughter is wise, not defiant.  This is like judging a book by the cover.  Become allies.and show your daughter that you are also wise.  Pool some money,  go to a screen printing store and get two Metallica T-shirts,  one for each of you.  Place your order.  Your daughters shirt will read “My Mom doesn’t let me wear this shirt”.  Your shirt will read ” I’m Mom”.  Have fun together. Don’t take away her public freedom of speech. 

  409. You should absolutely let your daughter wear what she wants, especially if her brother is wearing one. You are being inconsistent in your parenting, which sends a confusing message if you had said no to the brother, that would be a different scenaio. She has a great attitude when she says she doesn’t care about people who might judge her. By not allowing her to wear a shirt, you become the one judging her on her style. I am a teacher at a high school and see every type of t-shirt. They don’t make the child, but they do make the child happy to get compliments or noticed for their own personal style. Allow her to wear the shirt.

  410. Can you say “double standard?”  No, I am not a teenager or twenty-something with no children,  I am a 38 year old mother of two who went through quite a long heavy metal phase in my teens and survived it perfectly well.

  411. I wore Metallica tees in middle and high school, that was one of the least strangest thing about me and I had a group of close friends who accepted me for who I was just how I accepted them for who they were even if we didn’t see eye to eye about some things. If people thought little of me then I didn’t notice because those people don’t matter to me and that is what you should be teaching your daughter, to love herself the way she is and surround herself with people who would love and accept her the way she is.

  412. Let her wear them. She is trying to find her identity and this is a lot better than finding her identity through sex and drugs. I did the same thing at 14 and had great grades, was in band, had responsible friends and later went off to college.

  413. As a parent it is our job to guide our children to make the right decisions not dictate their lives because of our fears. We should be teaching our children to be comfortable with themselves and not worry about what others think. If others look down on your daughter for a tee shirt instead of getting to know her then they aren’t worth worrying about anyway. We want them surrounded by people who accept and love them for who they are. For going to places like school you can of course lay down the law what is acceptable but when school is out let her be herself.

  414. Yes, Misunderstood Mom, you are overreacting.  A 16 year old who is a good student and a good kid should have the say of how she dresses.  Unless her clothing is sexually provocative or obscene, let it go.  Choose your battles: is this going to matter in 10 years?

  415. The mom in this case needs to sit down and figure out what *her* issue with the shirt is. Is it the shirt itself (offensive logo, etc)? Is it the fact that it’s a heavy metal shirt and she doesn’t like that genre of music? Or is it that she doesn’t like her daughter growing up?
    What I say now, I say as a woman in my 30s. I still wear shirts with Metallica logos and I have a masters in engineering. It’s not about her shirt. It’s about her character – and as parents, you help build that character. The last thing you want to do is have your 16 year old shut you out of all the growing up she’ll be doing in the next few years because you dug in your heels over a shirt. If there isn’t an objectively good reason to ban it (and “because you’re a girl” really isn’t good enough), then this is good place to show that you can listen, and compromise and keep those lines of communication open for the more important stuff still to come.

  416. Pick your battles, Mom!  Wearing a heavy metal band t-shirt is really no big deal in the whole scheme of things that she could want to do!  My daughter is 19 now and we’ve been through quite a few situations, but I would have never thought twice about her wearing that kind of t-shirt.  She needs to feel her choices are valid and if you let her brother wear them, then you really have no choice but to let her – otherwise you are promoting a double standard.  As, I say, pick your battles!

  417. misunderstood mom- seriously i think your daugther is right and you are overreacting.  I wore Metallica, Rush, Tom Petty, Ozzy etc in my day and I turned out just fine!  My daughter raids my t-shirts and her fathers t-shirt and she has since she was probably 10!!  lighten up!

  418. I remember my mom using that logic on me when I was a teenager.  I wanted to do things my brother did, but was not allowed to because I was a girl.  I felt it was unfair then and still feel that way now.    I’d rather my daughter wear a Metallica T-shirt and jeans, than a barely there skirt and low-cut blouse like a lot of teenage girls I see now days.

  419. Having been a hard rock/metal fan in the 80s and 90s and worn Kiss, Ratt, and other T-shirts I think the mother may be too hard on her daughter.  All her “bits” are covered and not hanging out there for the world to see.  Would the mother rather her daughter wear clothes like Madonna wore in the 80s?  I see the clothes girls today are wearing and if I was that age I wouldn’t wear them as too much is hanging out for everyone to see.  A T-shirt that fully covers her front would be a nice change!

    FYI, I am a college graduate, am employed full time, happily married and have a 12 yr old son who is a Boy Scout.  And the color shirts that the boys picked for their summer camp out this year… Neon Pink!

  420. I have two daughters, ages 26 & 18.  My 18yo daughter dresses like a boy.  So what?  As long as it does not violate school dress code, let your kid express herself. Her brother did, so why can’t she?  Cause she’s a female.  That’s ridiculous.  If you don’t approve of buying music-oriented tees, tell her to get a job and buy her own clothes.  If she leaves the house looking stupid believe me, her friends will tell her and you won’t have had to say one word against her choice in attire.

  421. I believe you have to pick your battles with teenagers…and I personally would rather see my daughter in a Metallica tee than a tank that’s cut down to “there”..or partially transparent…or having an offensive slogan…or that shows “side boob”…or midriff baring with low hip huggers that show the top of her thong undies.   And clothing is just the tip of the iceberg as far as teen/mom conflicts go.
    In other words, this could be a point of negotiation.   And also an opportunity for discussion.  A real discussion, not an argument…honestly explore how your views of things being “different for girls” are influenced by your generation, or your personal beliefs and how she views the same issues from her perspective.  Also, it would be a good time to talk about appropriate dress…what people wear in different situations…eg,..the mall, school, a wedding, a dinner party, an interview, a job.  It could be awareness raising on both your parts.  You do have a job as a mom to teach and guide…but at 16, you are beginning to hand over the control to her little by little…in just 2 years she will most likely be off to college or a job and on her own.  If you lay the groundwork for your future relationship now..as based on mutual respect and mutual discussion of issues instead of you issuing edicts and her yelling and rebelling, you will reap the benefits in the future.  
     

  422. Yes, you are being sexist and unfair.  If I saw a girl wearing a Metallica shirt I would assume that she liked their music.  (Isn’t that why she wants to wear it?) I don’t even know what you are trying to imply is wrong with it. Now if I saw her wearing short shorts with a thong and a revealing top, then I would get the ‘wrong’ impression.  And you should definitely draw the line on that outfit.  I don’t think the band t-shirt is a battle worthing fighting.

  423. I don’t think this mother has too much to worry about if her daughter starts wearing heavy metal t-shirts.  Considering Twisted Sister’s song can be heard a hotel chain ad featuring a dancing singing group of people upset about having to make their own coffee and again singing about dirty carpets for a carpet cleaning company, it’s only a matter of time when Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” will just be a jingle for prescription sleeping medication.  She won’t want to wear the shirt!

  424. I think the mom was probably insecure when she was 16, because she is too concerned how other teens will view her daughter; her daughter doesn’t care. I can think of way worse clothes that the daughter could be asking to wear. There is nothing wrong with her daughter liking heavy metal and nothing wrong with her wanting to wear the T- shirts. I am a 36 year old female and my favorite band growing up in the 80’s-90’s was Led Zeppelin and yes, I wore my Dad’s concert T-shirt all the time. My fashion choices didn’t make or break my reputation, but my actions decided my reputation for me.  Let her wear the shirts and remember that the insurcurities you felt growing up, do not transfer to your own kids.

  425. I think the mom was probably insecure when she was 16, because she is too concerned how other teens will view her daughter; her daughter doesn’t care. I can think of way worse clothes that the daughter could be asking to wear. There is nothing wrong with her daughter liking heavy metal and nothing wrong with her wanting to wear the T- shirts. I am a 36 year old female and my favorite band growing up in the 80’s-90’s was Led Zeppelin and yes, I wore my Dad’s concert T-shirt all the time. My fashion choices didn’t make or break my reputation, but my actions decided my reputation for me.  Let her wear the shirts and remember that the insurcurities you felt growing up, do not transfer to your own kids.

  426. I won’t lie  and say I know where a parent is coming from on an issue like this. I am only 18 myself. But this does give me a perspective not so young as the daughter but old enough to realize that parents sometimes have very good backing in decisions they make. If you have a solid, concrete reason why your daughter should not wear Metallica, it would be best to try and explain it to her. But in this situation, I have to say that I believe you are overreacting. Metallica and hard rock is not exclusively a boy’s area. I see nothing wrong with a girl wearing Metallica shirts. If that music suits her interest, the impression she gives off isn’t bad, I don’t think, it is just showing the style of music she enjoys. It could even help her to make friends with similar interests. I know a multitude of girls who rock hard rock musical shirts and I have noticed no trend in any bad behavior or any bad reactions from those around them. Unless the interest in hard rock is enough to influence her in a bad way (which I doubt it is. Music is just self-expression.) I see no viable reason why you should think that she may start giving off a bad impression by wearing the T-shirts. Let her have some fun with self-expression! You can always step in and intervene if things get out of control. Until then, where’s the harm?

  427. I can not honestly say that wearing a concert T-shirt is a bad thing for a girl. My Mom let me wear them & I think I’ve turned out fine (I’m 43 now). Not everyone’s situation is the same though. My opinion is that it is just a T-shirt. Is it really going to damage her to wear it? The girl has a point.

  428. When your daughter is in that kid/adult pergatory stage ages16-18 I think Moms have to choose their battles. If your daughter is confident enough to defend her taste in music, she will hopefully defend her morals as well. I would prefer that my daughter come home with a heavy metal T-shirt, rather than coming home with a heavy metal tattoo… A t-shirt can be eventually be abandoned in the back of a drawer. As long as the T-shirt isn’t vulgar or revealing and your child is on track otherwise, I suggest letting her express herself in a way that is not covert.  

  429. Are you sure it still means something different today, or are you basing your perceptions on what it meant when you went to school? Your daughter is trying to express her individuality, just as you probably did when you were her age. The best suggestion might be to find out if it has a meaning or if her peers just see it as an expression of taste. You also need to ensure she doesn’t violate any school dress code. If the T-shirt passes muster, go ahead and let your daughter express herself. You can always pull the plug later if you find out something different.

  430. It’s a T-shirt! What is the harm in wearing a T-shirt? It isn’t different at all for boys or girls, and it’s quite sexist for people to think differently of girls wearing heavy metal T-shirts than they do of boys who wear the same shirts. 16 year olds are old enough to have their own unique and specific style, and if heavy metal shirts are part of that, so be it. It’s not like she’s wearing too-revealing clothing!

  431. Your daughter is only expressing herself appropriately! I see absolutely no harm in her wearing t-shirts to represent her favorite music. I do believe that your comments were a tad bit stereotypical. Let her do what makes her happy… It won’t cause any harm!

  432. Yes, Mom— You are overreacting.  Any judgements made about your daughter because she wears a heavy-metal t-shirt—Metallica no less— should not cause you to bat an eye.  And you let her brother wear them?  What kind of message does that give your daughter?  That standards for guys and gals are different?  Or that maybe her brother is not quite as important as your daughter, so who cares what other people think?  Either way, it’s sweating the small stuff.  If she–or he–wears pornography ,hate-filled slogans, or words of self-loathing, then you can worry and lay the law down.  Until then, let them both be themselves and find themselves.

  433. As a high school teacher for nearly 25 years, I can tell you I would much rather see a girl wearing a Metallica or Rise Against t-shirt than the cleavage-exposing tops and postage-stamp size skirts I am forced to witness on a daily basis!   However, at 16 your daughter can surely understand that she must always dress appropriately for any occasion or venue – her band t-shirts could perhaps be okay to wear to school or out to the movies or mall, but not to church or a family gathering, where it is  important to show respect for the community or for her elder relations.  She is also old enough to understand that these distinctions are important because people do form opinions of you based on your attire (right or wrong, and whether you like it or not), and just as she wouldn’t wear a ball gown to a softball game, there is a time and a place for wearing her band t-shirts. 

  434. You’re being a sexist jerk. If it’s a baby tee or is inappropriate looking go on the band’s site and suggest a more modest shirt for her to wear. Either let them both wear this type of t-shirt, or tell them both they cannot. It seems you’re more worried about what people will think of YOU whenever they see your daughter wearing this shirt, as she doesn’t care about other’s opinions. 

  435. Myother would not let me wear slacks to school (I am 57 now) so we finally figured out how she would be comfortable with it, she drove me to school early and waited outside in the car and watched all the girls coming to school.  Of course everyone WAS wearing slacks, and I was taken that weekend to get slacks!! I’d say go watch the kids going to school to see for yourself.

  436. Yes, you are overreacting.  There are 2 reasons that I think you are overreacting: 1. it isn’t fair to allow your son to wear these types of shirts and not your daughter; 2. Parenting a teenager is hard – I learned that you need to pick your battles and give a little.  Is wearing a Metallica shirt really that awful??  I have 2 grown children – a boy and a girl.  As teenagers my children were not the easiest to raise – thus the need to pick your battles and save this no for something much more important.  I had told my son that under no circumstances was I going to allow him to pierce his ear, but he did it anyway when he was away at a boarding high school..  I found out before he came home and decided that it really wasn’t that big a deal – that there were other things more important to say no to (like drinking, drugs, etc.).  At your daughter’s age, she is wanting to make her own statement on who she is and try to push the boundaries you have set.  I don’t think a metallica t-shirt is so bad.  My daughter (older than my son) wore metallica t-shirts for quite a while – when she decided she no longer wanted to wear them, I put them up on ebay for sale and made quite a bit of money from them.  She was making a statement on who she was at that time but it didn’t change who she really  was – a sweet young lady who never got into trouble with the law, who didn’t ever use drugs or drink.  I didn’t particularly like her wearing those t-shirts but I gave on this issue so I could put my foot down on something else.

  437. Dear Misunderstood, 
     First off, Congratulations on raising a smart and confident daughter.  You should be very proud that she knows that you can’t connect the dots between a genre of music and someone getting the “wrong impression” of her.  No one can control another person’s perception, nor should you try.  The people who know and love her for who she is know the truth about her and they are the ones who matter.  Not the strangers.  If you think she is sending any message other than she likes heavy metal music you are mistaken.  But clearly you are concerned that she will be perceived as something she is not so THAT’S the talk you should have with her.  The T-shirt isn’t really the issue so go tell her your real concerns and have a heart-to-heart.  Then let her wear the T-shirt.  

  438. Sorry Mom, but you ARE being sexist and unfair !  Last time I checked, it was 2012 not 1955.  There is absolutely no justifiable reason in my view that she shouldn’t wear simple rock t-shirts.  She isn’t wearing a skirt so short it barely covers her privates or the very popular “DTF” shirts either.  Come on Mom, get with the 21st century !  Unless the shirt exposes her breasts or has an obnoxious message on it, she’s simply showing her love for a certain kind of music !

  439. Yes, let her.  If this is the biggest worry you have then consider yourself lucky.  Wearing band T’s has little meaning today.  My 8 year old daughter often wears Alice Coope, Styx, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Meat Loaf, Aerosmith, etc shirts to school.  This is often combined with multicolored streaked hair.  If you are morally opposed to the music and it goes against your beliefs, then explain this to her.  I see no difference between a girl wearing a concert T and a boy.  My daughter wears them proudly because she has gone to the concerts and loves the music.  I worry more about the Twilight issues and the female role model Bella Swan provides – not a good one and my eight year old can explain why.  We decide what they wear or not but I find if I tell my children (I also have a 13 year old son) why I am opposed, they fight less.  They want answers at this age.  My girl saw a shirt she really wanted at a concert and I told her she could not wear it because it had a knife on it.  HOWEVER, I showed her the shirts she could wear to school and she was very happy.  Sometimes we have to pick our battles.  OK, you can get anb Alice Cooper shirt but you have to find one without anything prohibited from school on it.  She also knows how to choose clothes that are femine but still show her side – pretty dress, very sweet and school appropriate in length and shoulder with but half of it is a skeleton.  She wore it to her last awards and the teachers got a chuckle out of it.  Hey, she got in a dress, I set the length requirements and such, she found one with a half skeleton.  And on major sale!  The streaks wash out.  I am more concerned that a child develop a sense of self, sense of responsibility and academics.  Blue and red striped hair is fine if the grades are up.  She is working at a 6th grade level in half her class and she just finsihed 2nd.  But allowing a child to participate in some decisions and give clear explanations especially as they mature gives them the ability to make other decisions when you are not there.

  440. Tell her your reason is you do not want her to look like a slut :) then burn the shirt

  441. You are indeed overreacting, Ma’am. She want’s to wear a band t-shirt, and generally these don’t even come in “slut” unless your daughter wants to cut it up that way. She could be asking to wear strapless crop tops, skirts that end just below her belly button or piercings in places other than her ears. 
    If the “wrong idea” she would be giving by wearing those shirts is that of a slut, you are wrong. It takes more than a shirt. If the “wrong idea” is that she’s a butch lesbian then you need to take a lesson in gender roles, because that is also wrong; those shirts are not going to get her instantly corrupted by lesbians across the country hitting on her and such.
    This is a very mild thing, and I think you should pick your battles. Save your “no” cards for bigger issues.

  442. Misunderstood Mom, you really need to learn to pick your battles. If your biggest complaint about your teenage daughter is she wants to wear a T-shirt with a heavy metal band on it, count your lucky stars! And shame on you for teaching your kids that what’s okay for a boy isn’t for a girl. Your job as her parent is to not only guide her morally, but teach her what to expect and accept from life. Is this one of the lessons you hope she’ll learn, that boys deserve more personal freedom than girls?

  443. I think mom is overreacting AND being sexist.  Nobody really cares what t-shirt she’s wearing; she just wants to show her inidviduality and musical taste.  I agree that no means no and the 16-year old should respect that, but mom, get over it.  Save it for when she wants to wear a skirt the size of a handkerchief.

  444. Yes, it is sexist and unfair. If she comes to you saying she wants to be, say, a scientist or an engineer or something, are you going to tell her she can’t because “that’s a man’s job”? Would you like her to only wear frilly pink dresses and get a job as a teacher or nurse (and then quit her job after she gets married to be a barefoot, pregnant, subservient wife)? If you had a better reason for not wanting her to wear those shirts, you wouls be well within your rights as a parent. But its 2012, not 1950, and different rules for boys and girls just don’t fly anymore. Get with the times mom. It’s just a t-shirt.

  445. Pick your battles – maybe a Metallica T-shirt is not the issue you want to turn into a battleground. True, you may not agree with the lifestyle or ‘culture’ of the heavy metal scene.  However, most T-shirts of this type are relatively tame – I would much rather have my daughter dress in a heavy metal T than in a show-all belly shirt and ‘Daisy Duke’ shorts cut up (and down) to her private places.

    At 16, your daughter is legally old enough to drive (in most states),
    and to obtain birth control without your consent, as well as make a
    variety of other decisions.  Perhaps allowing her to express her individuality in this fairly harmless way will give her the confidence to make responsible, informed choices when the important issues come around.  Offer your opinion and reasoning behind it, but make it clear that the choice is hers.  Let her face any consequences from her choice – it will prepare her to be a responsible part of the ‘real world’.

    That having been said, if the issue is truly an important life or safety issue or one that violates a fundamental religious belief, you as the parent have the right and responsibility to be firm about your decision, and expect your child to follow your rules. Just be sure the issue is one that is worth it.

    (By the way, it’s really NOT different for boys than for girls.) 

  446. I have a 15 year old daughter myself, and I too have suffered qualms about some of the articles of clothing she wants to leave the house wearing. She often grabs any pair of basketball shorts and the first tee shirt she comes across. I have often worried that her boyish dress would incite others to ridicule her. She, like your daughter, claims that those who would judge her for her lack of girliness, don’t get her anyway. For your question, metallica band tee shirts are, for the most part, unisex and pg-13 in context. This means that her collar will not be low cut and showing off her cleavage, and the shirt will not be filled with profanity or showing images of sex or drugs–all things that will get her sent to detention in school. And in the case of my daughter, if her peers are going to judge her based on the style of clothing she wears, I would rather it be for her wearing shorts that touch her knees and unisex tee shirts, rather than mini dresses and corset tanks. Always remember: Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter.

  447. I agree with the daughter when she calls her mother sexist and unfair. This is advice I would expect to have heard from my own mother back in the 70’s, but in this day and age? The best way to hold girls back is to make them afraid of what others may think. There’s a reason for the saying “Well-behaved women rarely make history”. 
    If I had a daughter, I’d be buying her these t-shirts and thankful that she’s not trying to dress like the groupies of these heavy metal bands. 

  448. rediculous to argue about.. what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. it’s a t-shirt, and all important parts r covered, we’re good. pick your battles

  449. I found this parent so ridiculous. She can’t wear a band T-shirt just because people might find it innapropriate? I don’t even understand how. I do agree with the daughter about the being “sexist” thing. I am a 19 year old female who listens to metal. How can listening to a music group give off a wrong impression? Even if it did, she is right, obviously those people don’t matter if they judge her on something so trivial.

  450. When I was 16 I wore a Bad Company T-Shirt and was a total rebel. Metallica is not the worst thing she can listen to. Slayer, Slipknot and many others are out there. Realize that she is still your little girl and she loves you, but she is going through her rebellious stage. My Mom died of cancer when I was 19 and I wish now that I could explain this too her. I love you Mom. I was just a teenager.

  451. In my biased, teenage opinion, you’re over-reacting. Metallica is definitely not the worst thing your daughter could be wearing. Have you seen the stuff kids are wearing today?! It’s all legs and shoulders and midsections, it’s terrible! Be thankful that all she wants to wear is a T-shirt that shows her love of a band she really likes. And you know what else, I know people that like Metallica and they are actually really nice people. Just my experience. So I don’t think you have to worry about her falling into the “wrong crowd”.
    I would just suggest to keep an open mind with your daughter’s apparel. Just don’t let her get crazy. Because like I said before… legs, shoulders, and midsections. In fact, you should start worrying if she starts wearing “smaller” clothes. I’ve found that that’s a sign of trouble in the high schools. But Metallica is fine.
    Just speaking from experience, the bad kids at high school aren’t the ones in Metallica T-shirts. So yea, overall, let your daughter wear the shirt. It’s not the worst thing in the world (I don’t think it even qualifies as bad) and I don’t think you want to be the mom that’s all authoritarian and your daughter just gets farther and farther away from you. Sure it starts with a shirt but it’ll only escalate from there and soon she WILL be the bad kid on the block. Let your daughter be who she wants to be. Weren’t you a kid once who may have wanted to wear something your parents might not have approved of? It’s not that fun. But if you as the parent thinks what she’s doing is a bad idea, voice your opinion. You’re the mom, it’s your job. It’s not a good idea to dictate what she wears, though. I mean, you can’t MAKE her be someone she’s not. Be the supportive parent that she can trust and come to when she’s in trouble. Not the bossy mom that she can;t relate to and so she turns to “other sources” for advice.
    I’m sorry, this is a long overall. Lemme try again. Overall (part 2): Let her wear the shirt. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your supportive and open-mindedness in the end. Just don’t get crazy.
    Ok, I’m going to leave now before I write an essay.
    Good luck on the parenting thing! I hope it works out. (Those kids grow up so fast, don’t they?)

  452. Yes you should let her wear the t-shirts.  First of all, you let your son wear them — if you had a problem with the image of rock t-shirts, then he shouldn’t have been allowed to wear them.  Second, Metallica shirts now are like Zepplin t-shirts of our youth.  It’s all about self expression.  We’ve all heard the advice “pick your battles” — this should not be a battle.  Now if she wants to go to Metallica concerts 3 hours away and stay out all night, different fight.  This is a shirt.  Let her wear it.

  453. I am a 50-year old school teacher who still wears her rock band tees.  No one worth knowing is going to judge someone by the t-shirts being worn.  As long as she’s not going for the slut-of-the-month club, you should let her express herself.  I agree with your daughter — you are probably overreacting.  Be grateful that she asked your permission instead of defying you and doing it anyway.  She sounds like a good kid.

  454. I’m sorry, but your daughter is right. Why should she care about the people who make a judgement based on her t shirt? The people who matter won’t care what she wears or what music she listens to. Plus, it could be a phase! If you don’t let her do it now, she could go overboard later in life. If you let her dress that way now, you’re allowing her to develop her style and as a person. If you don’t, you’re making her conform to what society wants her to be, and society wants her to be a tan, dangerously skinny, bleach blonde girl who wears short shorts and tiny shirts. Make a choice; do you want her to be herself, and wear metal Metallica t shirts that will cover her completely, or are you going to make her wear what you want her to wear? She’s not a doll. She’s an individual and anyone who doesn’t accept her for who she is does not deserve her love and respect.

  455. I agree that if you tell her she cannot wear the Metallica shirt, you will need to justify it with a logical and rational reason. I think that we need to be very careful about gender roling when it comes to our children. I work in a preschool classroom and see parents telling thier children what they can or cannot play with. For example, telling boys that they can’t play in the dramatic play to play dress up or pretend they are fixing a meal or telling girls that they can’t play with trucks or cars is absurd. The more we allow our children to express themselves and be their own individual as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or other, what’s the harm? The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more they will want to do it. That’s just reality. And, telling her not to wear it but allowing your son to is a double standard and teaches an inequality of sorts. It would be equivalent to telling your son that he is not allowed to be a cosmetologist because only girls do hair or telling girls that they can’t be mechanics because only boys can work on cars.

  456. I agree that if you tell her she cannot wear the Metallica shirt, you will need to justify it with a logical and rational reason. I think that we need to be very careful about gender roling when it comes to our children. I work in a preschool classroom and see parents telling thier children what they can or cannot play with. For example, telling boys that they can’t play in the dramatic play to play dress up or pretend they are fixing a meal or telling girls that they can’t play with trucks or cars is absurd. The more we allow our children to express themselves and be their own individual as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or other, what’s the harm? The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more they will want to do it. That’s just reality. And, telling her not to wear it but allowing your son to is a double standard and teaches an inequality of sorts. It would be equivalent to telling your son that he is not allowed to be a cosmetologist because only girls do hair or telling girls that they can’t be mechanics because only boys can work on cars.

  457. Double standards are not wise. If a boy doesn’t need a curfew, then a girl does not either. What influences one sex influences the other. If she wears a Metallica shirt, it shows that she likes the band. Maybe YOU view female Metallica fans negatively, but never in a thousad years did I think that such a thing would even have to be questioned. Let her weart the T-shirt. She’s dressing modestly, not letting her wear the shirt and letting her listen to thier music is weird.

  458. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why you’re setting a double standard. Is your daughter’s general behavior and demeanor inappropriate? Does the shirt have obscene verbiage or graphics? If the answers to these questions are no, let her wear it but explain why you’d rather she didn’t – maybe she’ll decide not to wear it. If the answer to the first question is yes, the t-shirt is not your biggest problem.

  459. I’m 51 and a  longtime Metallica fan. If I saw a high-school girl wearing a Metallica shirt, I would probably think, “Cool! I wonder if she knows those guys are her dad’s age?” Or, “Isn’t that sweet? She’s wearing the shirt her boyfriend dropped $40 on at the concert!” Or I might even think she’s showing her support for Metallica’s efforts to help find the killer of a young girl who diappeared after one of their shows at Virginia Tech.

  460.      Most teenagers care about what others
    think about them to a fault; Your daughter should be applauded that she is not
    one of those teenagers. 

         While your daughter lives at your house and
    is not fully independent, she is to be considerate, and follow the public and
    private dress codes of your house. 

          A heavy metal t-shirt is a piece of
    cloth, in a color or colors, that covers certain portions of the body, with
    words, and pictures.  Is it possible for both
    of you to discuss the real details about your discomfort and her desire to wear
    such shirts? 

     

         1. 
    What styles of shirts cross a line? 
    Is tie-dye OK?  If a t-shirt is
    thin and see-through, will she want to show off her bra?  Does she want shirts that have deep v-necks
    to show her cleavage, and is this OK?  Or
    if the shirt is inadequate in coverage, will she wear something underneath to
    maintain accepted modesty? 

         2. 
    What are examples of band-names that cross a line?  Judas Priest? 
    Black Sabbath?  Public Enemy?  Hole? 
    Slipknot?  Metallica?  REO Speed-wagon?  Necrophagist? 
    Will the band name not be allowed just because of the band name, or does
    the bands lyrics, or the public scandals involving the band also enter into the
    decision?

        
    3.  What pictures cross a
    line?  A goat-head in an upside-down
    pentagram?  A group of guys wearing weird
    Halloween masks standing in a corn field? 
    A hammer dripping blood into a pool of blood?  A marijuana leaf?  A cartoon drawing of the grim reaper?  A policeman shining a flash-light beam down
    an alley that shows the feet and knees of a woman lying down?  A unicorn? 
    A guy wearing motocross clothes driving a motorcycle out the window of
    the bedroom?

         4.  What about the accessories that you daughter
    intends to wear with the t-shirt?  Is wearing
    a dog color simply a strange choice for a necklace?  Or would it suggest that she want to be
    treated as more of an animal and less as a human?

         5.  Does she want to wear such shirts at church
    to distract the priest?  Or a nice restaurant
    to demonstrate that she does not feel confined by un-spoken society
    dress-expectations?  Or at her part-time
    job working with the little kids at the day-care?      

     

         If you both can have such discussions, it
    could lead to her having more fashion freedom while increasing your comfort that
    she can make decisions that follow objectives instead of standing orders.   
     

    1.      I forgot to add that even if your daughter wins in the discussions, it does not mean that she necessarily wins the decisions. 
           Also, remind your daughter that you deal with people as individuals first, and this will sometimes means that she and her brother will not always have the same freedoms and the same restrictions.  And then mention that her calling you on this is making you realize that you might need to add more restrictions to her brother’s T-shirt selections because it is wrong for you to expose her to a “resident bad example.”
           Maybe you two need to go out on a shopping mission to pick her out a couple of T-shirts that she likes and you do not mind.  Remind her that this is “a successive approximations” activity to see if you can stretch your boundaries.  She might not get exactly what she wants, but a future iteration might go better for her.

  461. No I don’t think your overreacting because girls are very diffrent then boys. Some people mite  think she has an unresponcible mother so say no and thats the end of it and if  she wants to do it let her do it

  462. Awesome !!!   Sounds like normal teen behavior…..if its not offensive writing on the shirt, I say let her wear it.  If this is one of the bigger problems you are facing….you are blessed. Don’t lose sleep over it…..

  463. Okay, mom. It’s totally understood. Moms are there to look after their children, and paranoia, at some times, is the safest thing to be. However, think about this: Your daughter is sixteen. I know that she isn’t completely grown-up, but I believe that she can make this decision on her own. I also don’t think that her wearing a certain T-shirt will give the wrong impression. I think it is a personal artistic expression. And if in some way it does affect it, she just told you: She could care less! My overall opinion: Let her wear the shirts. And still have your reservations. Let them try new things (and you yourself can try them too!)

  464. You do not mention where she is wearing the ‘band shirts’ to church, i;d say no ,but as long as therer are no profanity nudity etc…. why be so upset? im sure like evertything else,itwill be a passing phase.Ialso don’t understand it being a gender issue either, the key moderation answers the best stumpers

  465. If you indeed allowed your son to wear such shirts, then your daughter may be rightfully reacting to the inconsistent messages in your parenting.  While I think there may be some justification to your daughter’s call of “sexism”, it is not completely inappropriate to parent each of your children differently according to their perceived needs.  Healthy teenagers often want to “try on”different ways of acting, dressing, and believing.  As parents, our job is to be appropriately appalled at things that we can tolerate, but don’t like.  It is usually better to allow our kids the opportunity to experience any natural consequences of these actions and learn for themselves why they may not want accept those adopted ways as their own.  However, we need to intervene when we feel like our kids are going too far off in the ditch.  Personally, I am not sure that wearing heavy metal band shirts qualifies for that type of intervention, but expressing  your concern for your daughter seems appropriate.  You may need  to save some of your parental collateral for things that are more important.

  466. First of all, you should consider yourself blessed to have a daughter such as the one you described. From the little you’ve said, she seems to have a lot of insight, and the fact that she respects your authority enough to obey your clothing request is a trait to be cherished. As to her wardrobe — her personality will go a lot further than her clothes in how she is perceived. I wore mostly black and heavy metal band shirts in high school, and was voted most likely to succeed. Her clothing does not define her; her actions do. Don’t strain the relationship over something external.

  467. Is your daughter a genuine fan of the bands portrayed on the shirts she wants to wear? If so, then she should wear them! I am a 32 year old female who counts Metallica as one of my favorite bands and have never been treated any differently than my male friends when seen in “metal” gear. Frankly, those who discriminate on the basis of music will do so equally to men and women, and your daughter is smart enough to know that people who judge don’t make good friends. Let her wear the shirt and stop setting double standards.

  468. Is your daughter a genuine fan of the bands portrayed on the shirts she wants to wear? If so, then she should wear them! I am a 32 year old female who counts Metallica as one of my favorite bands and have never been treated any differently than my male friends when seen in “metal” gear. Frankly, those who discriminate on the basis of music will do so equally to men and women, and your daughter is smart enough to know that people who judge don’t make good friends. Let her wear the shirt and stop setting double standards.

  469. I’m sorry…what impression is this mother worried about her daughter giving? I can see a problem with overly sexual outfits or profanity being as she’s 16, but many band t-shirts are not offensive. Letting her brother wear those types of shirts and then telling that girl that it is different for a girl is perpetuating the notion that women are not equal to men.

  470. I’m sorry…what impression is this mother worried about her daughter giving? I can see a problem with overly sexual outfits or profanity being as she’s 16, but many band t-shirts are not offensive. Letting her brother wear those types of shirts and then telling that girl that it is different for a girl is perpetuating the notion that women are not equal to men.

  471. I personally never liked heavy metal music so as a teenager I never wore band T-shirts, but i do remember having girl friends who did and, aside from the fact that we didn’t share the same taste in music, they were good girls. My point is that your daughter is not asking for a tattoo or dying her hair green, it’s only a simple T-shirt, it doesn’t mean she’s going to start doing drugs or many other dangerous/stupid things kids do nowadays. I don’t think people is going to judge her for wearing a rock band T-shirt, and even if they do I think your daughter pointed it out correctly by saying that she shouldn’t care about what they think…

  472. OK Mom – just cool it for about 3-4 years and she probably will not be wearing these shirts.  Went through this with grandson/daughter – now 24/25 – haven’t seen those crazy tees for awhile.  The bigger the fuss the more she’ll want to get her way – and, in this day and age it’s not appropriate for brother to have and sis not on this kind of issue.  After four children and two grands – you just learn a whole bunch of “stuff.”  Now, if I can just get over the tatoo issues, lordy help!  Mom & Grams Joyce

  473. The daughter here is absolutely correct. Nobody worthwhile would form a negative opinion of a teenage girl based upon the fact that she’s wearing a Metallica t-shirt. In fact, allowing the daughter to wear band t-shirts might be a good way to expose any judgmental phonies in their social circle.

  474. I think you should consider why she wants to erst them. Is she seeking negative attention? Has she started hanging out with a different crowd? Take toils to really listen without commenting or passing judgement. Then explain your concerns and why you made the decision.

  475. I think you should consider why she wants to erst them. Is she seeking negative attention? Has she started hanging out with a different crowd? Take toils to really listen without commenting or passing judgement. Then explain your concerns and why you made the decision.

  476. I think you should consider why she wants to erst them. Is she seeking negative attention? Has she started hanging out with a different crowd? Take toils to really listen without commenting or passing judgement. Then explain your concerns and why you made the decision.

  477. I have always believed in the saying that if Jim jumped off the bridge would you.  Be who you are and not to worry about what other think.  BUT! when you walk like a duck, quack like a duck, then you must be like a duck.

  478. I am a 46 year old female….I wore heavy-metal t-shirts when I was a teenager. I never got into trouble and got straight-A’s all through school. I’ve never done drugs or abused alcohol. It’s just a t-shirt. My son is 16 now and he also loves unusual clothing……he wears bow ties and suspenders. He also loves heavy metal…….and Marty Robbins. I refused to buy him a heavy-metal shirt a few years ago…..Then, I heard my late father’s voice telling me I could wear anything I wanted as long as I conducted myself properly. And, I did….So, I bought the shirt. I wear it sometimes, too…..It’s really not a big deal. Conversation starter, maybe….so what?….People who judge others by how they look are missing out.

  479. I think that you should try and compromise,say, putting the logo on a more girly style t shirt.This way she is happy and you are confident that she is not giving off the wrong impression.You are not being unfair by saying that girls give off a different impression because,sadly,this is the truth and people will get a different vibe as when a boy wears one.

  480. Let her wear the t-shirt. There is nothing wrong with a girl wearing a Metallica shirt. She is a strong, smart girl that knows what she likes and wants to express it. There is nothing worse than for a parent to crush a child’s individuality with a double standard. Equal rights start at home. She is 16 and about to make decisions that effect the rest of her life, what to wear is not one of them. Show her you have faith in her to make the right choices for her. Don’t try to turn her into a copy of yourself. Give her the freedom that women have been fighting for to be her own person. 

  481. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    Just let her wear her band T-shirt, she just loves the group and there’s no harm done.   I think she is smart enough and won’t do anything that she will regret.  Maybe in 6 months, she will move on too better things.  She will be happy and love her Ma for letting her have some fun!  For me, it was the Beatles! “She loves you, Yah, yah!!” 

  482. 30 years ago, a girl may have been sending the message that she was a “groupie” by wearing a band t-shirt, but these days, that stigma is no longer attached to rock’n’roll apparel. If I were your daughter, I would most likely feel that your opinion was outdated and sexist, thus further widening the generation gap between us.  Don’t risk your relationship with your daughter over a t-shirt!

  483. 30 years ago, a girl may have been sending the message that she was a “groupie” by wearing a band t-shirt, but these days, that stigma is no longer attached to rock’n’roll apparel. If I were your daughter, I would most likely feel that your opinion was outdated and sexist, thus further widening the generation gap between us.  Don’t risk your relationship with your daughter over a t-shirt!

  484. 30 years ago, a girl may have been sending the message that she was a “groupie” by wearing a band t-shirt, but these days, that stigma is no longer attached to rock’n’roll apparel. If I were your daughter, I would most likely feel that your opinion was outdated and sexist, thus further widening the generation gap between us.  Don’t risk your relationship with your daughter over a t-shirt!

  485. 30 years ago, a girl may have been sending the message that she was a “groupie” by wearing a band t-shirt, but these days, that stigma is no longer attached to rock’n’roll apparel. If I were your daughter, I would most likely feel that your opinion was outdated and sexist, thus further widening the generation gap between us.  Don’t risk your relationship with your daughter over a t-shirt!

  486. In either case (son or daughter), heavy metal T-shirts potentially brands a kid as a stoner, slacker, outsider — at the very least, a student embracing concerns other than the highest levels of academic performance.  Such perceptions and implications may always be more worrisome for a daughter than son, but throwing down the gauntlet over a double standard is more likely to stoke teen rebellion that won’t be quelled with reason or rules.  If she’s a good kid in other respects and with a clear goal of protecting her daughter, the mother might be best advised to employ those tools too often of last resort when dealing with teen rites of passage: love and trust. 

  487. Is it really that different if its a girl or a guy wearing the shirt? There are a lot of good, decent people who work in heavy metal bands. Maybe you should learn a  little about the bands she likes and decide from there.  Maybe set some limits on what she can wear.

  488. Dear MIsunderstood Mom,
    I understand your intentions as a mother to protect your child, we all now what’s sometimes out there and we don’t want the children to get hurt. But have you notice you have raised a wonderful, strong and independent young woman? She is 16 years old and she knows what matters about someone it’s not what they wear and how they look like (I’m not saying personal image is not important, I’m just saying there are more relevant things). It’s my humble opinion that you may be overreacting a bit, she is just wearing t-shits, would you feel so worry if she wore Justin BIeber’s shirts? Or is it the prejudgent of being or liking a heavy metal band winning over you? I understand you are concerned about “others may think” but is that what you wanna teach her? When you make a difference between her and her brother you are acting like she (upset) describes you. In any case, if you are really concerned about it talk to her, but try not to say “because girls….” that will only make her wanna get distance from you, explain her your point of view and why do you think she could get hurt or misunderstood, teens may not show it, but when the “grown ups” talk to them in an “adult like way” they listen and it may even get you a stronger relationship with her. Best of luck!

  489. You cannot let one child do something and not another. The thing is, you let her do it and she will choose. When a parent says, “no,” it only makes a child rebel more. Been there. I had parents like that. I hid the clothes at school or a friends house and changed. Raising 2 daughters, I told them I trusted their judgement. No curfew made them come home at 9:00 pm on a Friday night. I was told that trusting them was worst than any curfew.

  490. Misunderstood mom is not overreacting. She is just wrong. She is gender discriminating between her two children. Give me your values mom and let them exercise their independence on matters that are not dangerous, like what they wear. Loosen up mom or you will lose them and destroy all that you have tried to teach them about what is right and what isn’t.

  491. You are not overreacting as it is your choice what rules you make for your daughter, but you are reacting to the way things where about 10 years ago and not the way things are now.  The perception of a girl in a metal t-shirt is not what it used to be when our generation was coming up.  Metal is no longer a boys game, there are plenty of female role models in the genre now, and they, unlike most pop singers, portray themselves as strong, independent women rather than barbie doll boy-toys, and female fans of the genre have followed their lead with a fierce independence and demand for equality with the male fans.  I would be more worried about the message you may be giving to your daughter that she is not equal to boys and should not show her own style and independence, rather than worrying about how you perceive some stranger will perceive her based on how things where when you were younger.   Just for reference this is coming from a 40 year old father of 2 daughters.

  492. People do judge you by the clothes you wear. Your daughter needs to understand that so when she goes on college and job interviews, she will dress accordingly. That said, saying no to her wearing a Metallica t-shirt because she is female is sexist and unfair after you allowed your son to wear them.  I hope you never let her brother wear his pants so his briefs were showing.

    Your daughter is at an age where she can wear band t-shirts. She will have her whole adult life to wear career oriented clothing.

  493. The issue is not ; :”that it is a bad idea” and if you are overreacting. Parents need to stand by their decisions. To many parents have forgetten that peer pressure against your child by friends, doesn’t stop  from her directing her own peer pressure at you.  Sexist and unfair do not exist with parental decisions in regards to raising your child and teaching what may be right or wrong. Your daughter, as very many children need to learn,  is the parents have the last word, whether it is right or wrong, the decision is instilled to learn and to learn respect. If that parent continues to waver, they need to look around and see all the kids who have no respect for anyone, or anything these days, they haven’t been taught. A good amunt of younger parents of today unfortunetly are using the only parenting skills they learned from their parents. The generation that always felt guilty leaving their children to take care of themselves because the parents had to work. The baby boomers of our generation usually had a parent home during when they were younger.  So when the baby boomers decided to work we guilted ourselves into over priveleging our children to compensate for not being there for them. So to say “no you can’t wear that” is okay! Stick to your decision! I applaud you, because really it only comes down to peer pressure from your daughter.

  494. If she’s a decent person with good morals…..what does it matter? Besides..its a Tee shirt. I’d be more worried about her “thong” being seen by everyone when she wears hip huggers!!!

  495. Honestly, if you’re raising a daughter in 2012 and your biggest concern is her wearing a Metallica t-shirt, then I’d say you’ve got a pretty level-headed daughter.  I mean, look at some of the stuff these “role-models” push on our kids today.  Lady gaga wearing a meat dress??  MTV glamorizing teen pregnancy??  Sure, Metallica may sound like a lot of noise to the ears of the older generations, but when compared to the rest of the influences that are being shoved down kids’ throats nowadays, they are really quite mild.  Parents may react strongly to something like Metallica because they were “pushing the limits” when they were just getting big in the 80’s and 90’s.  As a comparison, the band Buck Cherry has songs like “I love the Cocaine” and “Crazy B*tch”.  But a parent today might not even give that a second thought, because they’ve probably never heard of them, whereas everyone’s heard of Metallica.  I guess my point is, spend more time trying to instill good values in your children so that they’re able to distinguish between right and wrong, don’t spend so much time trying to dictate what they wear.  As for the guy’s vs. girls issue, this is the 21st century…isn’t it???  

  496. Honestly, if you’re raising a daughter in 2012 and your biggest concern is her wearing a Metallica t-shirt, then I’d say you’ve got a pretty level-headed daughter.  I mean, look at some of the stuff these “role-models” push on our kids today.  Lady gaga wearing a meat dress??  MTV glamorizing teen pregnancy??  Sure, Metallica may sound like a lot of noise to the ears of the older generations, but when compared to the rest of the influences that are being shoved down kids’ throats nowadays, they are really quite mild.  Parents may react strongly to something like Metallica because they were “pushing the limits” when they were just getting big in the 80’s and 90’s.  As a comparison, the band Buck Cherry has songs like “I love the Cocaine” and “Crazy B*tch”.  But a parent today might not even give that a second thought, because they’ve probably never heard of them, whereas everyone’s heard of Metallica.  I guess my point is, spend more time trying to instill good values in your children so that they’re able to distinguish between right and wrong, don’t spend so much time trying to dictate what they wear.  As for the guy’s vs. girls issue, this is the 21st century…isn’t it???  

  497. Honestly, if you’re raising a daughter in 2012 and your biggest concern is her wearing a Metallica t-shirt, then I’d say you’ve got a pretty level-headed daughter.  I mean, look at some of the stuff these “role-models” push on our kids today.  Lady gaga wearing a meat dress??  MTV glamorizing teen pregnancy??  Sure, Metallica may sound like a lot of noise to the ears of the older generations, but when compared to the rest of the influences that are being shoved down kids’ throats nowadays, they are really quite mild.  Parents may react strongly to something like Metallica because they were “pushing the limits” when they were just getting big in the 80’s and 90’s.  As a comparison, the band Buck Cherry has songs like “I love the Cocaine” and “Crazy B*tch”.  But a parent today might not even give that a second thought, because they’ve probably never heard of them, whereas everyone’s heard of Metallica.  I guess my point is, spend more time trying to instill good values in your children so that they’re able to distinguish between right and wrong, don’t spend so much time trying to dictate what they wear.  As for the guy’s vs. girls issue, this is the 21st century…isn’t it???  

  498. Stop your daughter from..what exactly, expressing her taste in music? There are far worse things your daughter could be wearing that are actually aimed at girls, ie those shirts with the Tootsie Roll owl saying “how many licks does it take?”

  499. The mother’s concern is understandable – in a different era, that sort of clothing made the sort of statement with which a mother would be uncomfortable.  Now, however, a t-shirt is just a t-shirt, and the sort of t-shirts your daughter wants to wear advertise only her taste in music.  

  500. The mother’s concern is understandable – in a different era, that sort of clothing made the sort of statement with which a mother would be uncomfortable.  Now, however, a t-shirt is just a t-shirt, and the sort of t-shirts your daughter wants to wear advertise only her taste in music.  

  501. The mother’s concern is understandable – in a different era, that sort of clothing made the sort of statement with which a mother would be uncomfortable.  Now, however, a t-shirt is just a t-shirt, and the sort of t-shirts your daughter wants to wear advertise only her taste in music.  

  502. To be honest, I agree with your daughter. You are overreacting entirely. She’s expressing her enjoyment of an artist…so what exactly is your issue with that?

  503. Did someone say “double standard?” Either no one, male or female, should wear heavy metal T- shirts, or everyone should be allowed. Otherwise, you risk your daughter growing into the saddest kind of young woman…one who feels different; not as good. Worse yet, your hard line on this issue may well cause your daughter to rebel…and do things a lot worse than wearing Metallica T- shirts.

  504. Did someone say “double standard?” Either no one, male or female, should wear heavy metal T- shirts, or everyone should be allowed. Otherwise, you risk your daughter growing into the saddest kind of young woman…one who feels different; not as good. Worse yet, your hard line on this issue may well cause your daughter to rebel…and do things a lot worse than wearing Metallica T- shirts.

  505. If you place unreasonable rules on your child, they may be pushed to rebel in a much worse way than wearing t-shirts you don’t approve of. It’s just a shirt, it says ‘hey, I like Metalica’! It’s not a big deal, don’t sweat the small things and she’ll listen better when it comes to the big things.

  506. Your decision to not allow your daughter to wear a heavy metal shirt is frankly uptight and unjustifiable. As a mother, you should allow your children to dress how they wish to dress. By doing so, you give them the freedom to be who they are. Honestly, a Metallica shirt is the least of your worries. It would be a shame to put strain on your relationship with your daughter over a t-shirt. 
    Also, you should be happy that your daughter has good taste in music. 

  507. First I would like to know what “Image” you think she is portraying. I was that 16 year old girl back in the 90’s. My parents would use alllowing me to wear my “black metal shirts” as a reward. As long as my grades were kept up and there was no profane language or refrences on the shirts, I was allowed to wear them to school but if my grades dropped, the shirts were not longer allowed to be worn. You should be glad that she doesnt want to go the way of most 16 year old girls and wear low cut and revealing items.

  508. I have to agree with your daughter here; there is no difference between a boy and girl wearing a band shirt; it’s a right of passage into being a teenager!  You should be happy she doesn’t want to dress like some teens I see, with the scantily clad clothing and things written on their shorts!  I loved wearing my band shirts, and I consider myself lucky to have parents who let me express myself as a teen; I made a good impression with my attitude and personality!  Luckily with my job as a hairstylist, I still get to express myself.  If you let your son wear similar shirts, it isn’t fair not letting your daughter.

  509. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    I do think you over reacted. There is nothing wrong with a teenage girl that wears band t-shirts. That is one of the trends that is “in” these days. Your daughter is right, if someone judges her because of a t-shirt she wears, they are not worth her time.

  510. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    I do think you over reacted. There is nothing wrong with a teenage girl that wears band t-shirts. That is one of the trends that is “in” these days. Your daughter is right, if someone judges her because of a t-shirt she wears, they are not worth her time.

  511. Yes, you are absolutely overreacting.
    It’s a band t-shirt, not a thong. There is no reason why you shouldn’t let your daughter wear a band t-shirt while she watches her brother run about the house in one. And she’s absolutely right: Anybody who would make a snap-judgement about her based on a Metallica t-shirt isn’t somebody she should care about, and neither should you.

  512. Really? Pick your battles, mom! A Metalica t-shirt is not an indication of sexual promiscuity. Unless the t-shirt comes with a questionable group of friends, tanking grades and drug use, I’d say let it go!

  513. As a 17 year old I understand completely where the girl is coming from. While I agree with many traditional ideals, how girls should dress and look is one my own mother has placed upon me. I was out shopping with her only a few days ago and we got into an argument at the checkout when buying clothes for my little brother, who always wears shirts that are too big for him. I explained that she shouldn’t let him continue to buy shirts that don’t fit him properly as it not only makes him look bigger than he is but it looks sloppy and improper. Her response was that she can’t tell him how to dress (he’s 14). I told her that if I were to wear a shirt too big for me out in public she would tear into me about it and she agreed because “It’s not right for girl’s to dress sloppy out in public, but Daniel (my little brother) is a boy. It’s a completely different story.” Your explanation for not letting her wear a band t shirt is the same gender stereotype/expectation that has absolutely no ground that my mother gave me. Instead of being confused, look at what you’re telling your daughter. You’re telling her that girls have expectations and guys have none. That a guy can dress however he wants buy God forbid if a girl shouldn’t care how she looks in public. Your daughter had every right to get angry at you. Instead of asking what’s wrong with your daughter, ask yourself how unfair you’re really being with her. Say what you will, but you cannot force someone to feel a certain way about something, no matter how many times you explain it or not. You’re trying to force her to be a prim and proper little girl when that’s not who she is, and there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to be that. I myself like rock bands such as Metallica and have a few band t shirts as well. Limiting your daughter’s expression and personality buy not allowing her to buy something as harmless as a band t shirt is not your place. Tattoos and piercings are a different story, but you’re talking about a t shirt. Let her buy it and apologize for how you acted. It’ll show her that you care about how she feels and that you respect her by making a formal apology.

  514. Is the T-shirt short enough to show her navel?  Does she want to pair it up with too short, too tight skirts?  What type of venue does she want to wear it at?  Who would she be with when wearing the T-shirt, and what type of wardrobe would the others have on?  It’s not so much the T-shirt itself as the who, what, where, and why of it.  If your daughter is smart enough to realise that an opinion of her based on a shirt is erroneous, it sounds like you’ve raised her to know when and where it would be appropriate attire.  Granted, she is sixteen, but maybe a discussion on the when and where it may be worn could be a positive compromise.  Nothing appeals more to a teenager than something “forbidden”, but nothing changes faster than a fleeting teenage fashion statement either.

  515. Why is it different for guys to wear rock band shirts then girls?  What kind of message are you sending to your daughter to let your son do things you won’t allow her to do?  It is bad enough when men are sexist but for a mother to be is ridiculous!  Do you also want her to be a secretary, nurse or teacher instead of a surgeon, principal or engineer?  I think we as mothers need to empower our children and especially our girls to be equal to men and boys.  I would focus on having self confidence and the ability to make good judgements for herself.  Which includes making good decisions for her safety and future. 

  516. I think this mother should get her two children together for a talk.  She should apologize to them for allowing her son to wear the heavy metal symbol on his shirt and tell them she is sorry for making a mistake about it for it is neither right for her son nor her daughter to be exposed to the group.  There used to be an old saying when i was a child 85 years ago:  “What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”  In this case the genders are reversed, but if the mother still thinks it was right for the boy, then she should think it is right for the girl.  Personally, I do not think it is right for either young teenager. Emily Brambley

  517. Stand your ground. You are the parent. We have to have our boundaries with our children. If we don’t set them, who will? Your daughter will respect your decision, she may not agree, but that’s life.

  518. You are being a little sexist. Or so it sounds from the explanation. If you just don’t want her to get in trouble or be embarrassed, give in. Like SFJenn said, if you are too protective, you can stunt your kid’s growth (she meant in maturity, not in height). Believe me; I have experience. I have been embarrassed many times in my 12-year lifespan because my parents were way over protective of me. Up until 2 years ago, I had never listened to a recent song. Only “Oldies” that my dad picked out for me. I only just got a phone, the last one in my grade. Same with email. NO Facebook, Twitter, Skype. They are strangling me. If your reasons sprout from experience when you were her age, give in, also. Times are different now, and girls can dress more like boys, now. If you have exact facts, give her them! I sure wouldn’t give in unless I knew why!

  519. Your overreacting. My daughter is 19 and if she had all of her important parts covered. I was happy…didn’t matter to me what it was covered with! Kathy

  520. Dear Misunderstood Mom, This could be the beginning of the end of your relationship with your teen daughter, and all because of a ‘t-shirt’. Think about it. Whatever you were too busy doing when your daughter was ‘getting hooked’ on Metallica music was obviously more important to you at that time. And now that she is stuck on the music, you want to put your foot down. It’s too late for that. The best thing to do now is to go forwards toward the future. Let her wear her Metallica t-shirts before she rebels by doing something worse like drugs and/or alcohol, or ‘gasp’ concealed body piercings. Count your lucky stars that it’s ‘only’ a t-shirt. Cherish your relationship with your daughter, instead of trying to sabotage it.Sincerely, Mom of four, happy, grown children

  521. I think the daughter was right in saying that the mother was being sexist and unfair. They’re just T-shirts, after all.  As long as they are not vulgar and inappropriate, what’s the issue?  This is 2012, in this day and age bands like Metallica are not even that heavy anymore. Girls are not thought of any differently that guys who listen to metal. Anyone that does judge should have a reality check, and I agree that she shouldn’t care about what other people think if they judge her based on an appropriate, fully covering T-shirt that supports a band. The mother may think that heavy metal is mostly for men, but times have changed. Now, many metal bands even have female lead singers. It’s a genre of music, period. 

  522. This is probably a battle that you will not win, as she will wear the t-shirts anyway, just not in your sight.  Explain that although you do not agree with the shirts, she is welcome to wear them as long as she buys them with her own money.  Save the battles for much bigger issues that are sure to come along with a teenage daughter.  She will respect you for it.    Teens are just trying to fit in.  Expermenting with clothing is a pretty harmless way.

  523. I think that it would be wise to let your daughter decide what to wear on her own for the most part, because she has to learn what is and is not acceptable for her age group to dress in where you reside. How is she ever going to learn if you don’t allow her to do things for herself? Also, it will help strengthen relations with her if you don’t try to restrict her clothing choices, especially based on something such as gender.

  524. My mother raised 11, yes 11 responsible and moral children. Her philosphy had a lot to do with example and teaching, but a lot more to do with love and believing in us. She seemed to understand that teenagers tend to occasionally need a way to “rebel” or express themselves. She understood boundaries, and when something was big enough that it had to be a no, but she also seemed to get that someone piercing and ear or even belly button, someone dying their hair a ridiculous color or trying a mo-hawk, was a temporary and harmless way for them to get that need to rebel out of their systems with out doing any serious harm. Certainly we were taught that the things we did sent messages, and yes, it is true that one thing  can lead to another, but, for all 11 of us, knowing that our mother believed us good and trusted us despite a foolish spell of thinking we needed a strange piercing, let us bypass those phases with out needing to do pull away from family and restraint in any more serious way.

  525. When I was 17, I wanted to buy Doc Martens, but my mom thought only ‘druggies’ wore them. She also protested clothing that was black. She spent so much time worrying about what I looked like to other people, that she didn’t seem to notice that I got straight As, was a member of the National Honor Society, belonged to several service organizations, and was the president of our school’s chapter of Students Reaching Out (a group that educates young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol). Her judgment of me and anyone else who wore a certain style of clothing still bothers me today, and I’m 38 with teenagers of my own. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she passed away 12 years ago. So, Mom, let it go. Judge your daughter for the person she is and the actions she takes, not the Metallica t-shirt she wants to wear.

  526. When I was 17, I wanted to buy Doc Martens, but my mom thought only ‘druggies’ wore them. She also protested clothing that was black. She spent so much time worrying about what I looked like to other people, that she didn’t seem to notice that I got straight As, was a member of the National Honor Society, belonged to several service organizations, and was the president of our school’s chapter of Students Reaching Out (a group that educates young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol). Her judgment of me and anyone else who wore a certain style of clothing still bothers me today, and I’m 38 with teenagers of my own. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she passed away 12 years ago. So, Mom, let it go. Judge your daughter for the person she is and the actions she takes, not the Metallica t-shirt she wants to wear.

  527. When I was 17, I wanted to buy Doc Martens, but my mom thought only ‘druggies’ wore them. She also protested clothing that was black. She spent so much time worrying about what I looked like to other people, that she didn’t seem to notice that I got straight As, was a member of the National Honor Society, belonged to several service organizations, and was the president of our school’s chapter of Students Reaching Out (a group that educates young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol). Her judgment of me and anyone else who wore a certain style of clothing still bothers me today, and I’m 38 with teenagers of my own. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she passed away 12 years ago. So, Mom, let it go. Judge your daughter for the person she is and the actions she takes, not the Metallica t-shirt she wants to wear.

  528. When I was 17, I wanted to buy Doc Martens, but my mom thought only ‘druggies’ wore them. She also protested clothing that was black. She spent so much time worrying about what I looked like to other people, that she didn’t seem to notice that I got straight As, was a member of the National Honor Society, belonged to several service organizations, and was the president of our school’s chapter of Students Reaching Out (a group that educates young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol). Her judgment of me and anyone else who wore a certain style of clothing still bothers me today, and I’m 38 with teenagers of my own. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she passed away 12 years ago. So, Mom, let it go. Judge your daughter for the person she is and the actions she takes, not the Metallica t-shirt she wants to wear.

  529. I had to stop reading and come respond right away! As the mother of 2 grown sons and 1 teen, I’ve experienced similar issues. I TOTALLY agree with the daughter on this one. Mom, you are sending her the message that it is ok to discriminate based on gender and clothing. She is not asking to wear sexully explicit clothing. Wearing a band T-shirt is showing that you like this band, nothing more!

  530. Overreacting? Yes. First, be happy that your daughter wants to wear a t-shirt, instead of a skimpy top that shows 90% skin. Girls wearing a band t-shirt aren’t going to get the crude looks and whistles from guys, nor will it earn her nicknames that will pop up at 20 year reunions. If you try to stop her from wearing a T-shirt she will begin to lose respect of your authority because she will think you are being unreasonable, and when it comes time to explain why wearing a bikini top as a shirt is a bad idea, she will already be geared to ignore you and think you’re crazy.  Let her express herself with a T-shirt (Unless it has something illegal on it) and help guide her on more important things like drugs, alcohol and short skirts.  You will have a better relationship with your daughter and she will learn how to make good rational decisions in the future instead of hasty rebellious ones.

  531. Heck yes,
    that is “sexist and unfair”.  Being a teenager is about trying
    on different personas to figure out who you truly are.  I tried on many
    different “hats” as a teenager, including rocking t-shirts that adults didn’t
    approve of, wearing certain brands of clothing, the latest Nordstrom fashions,
    etc.   My mom saw what I wore, knew what I listened to, but she trusted me not to take things so far that would get me in trouble.  And as I tried on all these personas, I took what I liked from each
    of them, shed those things I didn’t, to become the unique person I am today;
    someone who has a good sense of self and the ability to make decisions based on
    what is right for me, not for everyone else.  It sounds like you don’t trust your daughter, which I think will only led her to rebel.  If people are going to judge
    your daughter on what she is wearing and be that petty, and that is the opinion
    that is regarded as important, that will only breed insecurity.  On the other hand, if you trust her to make good decisions and have an open dialog with her, you’ll have a confident daughter and a good relationship with her.

  532. Dear Misunderstood Mom,
    I have a daughter soon to be 16 and a sophmore in high school. She is a straight A-B student and plays on the volleyball team, basketball team, and softball team. She helps coach the elementary school summer softball program and pretty much helps with whatever I ask around the house. She also, play the drums and guitar, both in band and Jazz Ensemble. She lives for and loves her music. Mostly, rock music I might add. Her wardrobe primarily exists of her favorite band t-shirts that she wears almost on a daily basis. She doesn’t drink or smoke. She also has a good reputation of being a decent girl in our town.  I don’t think that girls wearing heavy metal t-shirts give “the wrong impression”, I think their actions are what will give the wrong impression. I think that you need to give your daughter the freedom to express herself and spread her wings as long as it is done in a positive way. Wearing a heavy metal band t-shirt is not going to hurt anyone or anything. What are you so worried about???? She could wear a “What Would Jesus Do” t-shirt but if her actions don’t back it up it won’t make a difference. Coming from a mother with an extrodinary daughter, who, yes, wears heavy metal t-shirts, I say let her wear them! People put way too much emphasis on what other people think. You know your daughter and that should be all that matters.

  533. Yes you are over reacting …. be happy she wants a tee shirt and not some tight, clingy way to short Kim kadashion outfit. I also think you are being the judgemental one letting her brother wear one.

  534. you’re letting one child wear what shirts he chooses while the other is forced to watch and stifle her independence and creativity? yes, you’re overreacting. it’s your job as a parent to make sure she is safe and loved, if you shut her down with an excuse of being a parent she won’t see you as a fair or trustworthy person. Is your relationship with her worth you being embarrassed that she likes a band you don’t approve of? remember, you should hold your children to equal standards, regardless of gender. to those who are saying you dont need to offer her an excuse or reason, they’re wrong. Treat her with the respect she deserves, she’s a human and if you pull the “parent” excuse she won’t want to be around you, she won’t want to confide in or talk to you. Remember, overprotective parents=rebellious children.

  535. She’s your daughter, and you have the right to tell her what to do, regardless of your reasoning. That said, your children learn by your example, and if you make arbitrary decisions based on gender, you’re not sending her a positive message. She’s right on the count that she shouldn’t care about the opinions of people that judge her based on her taste in clothing. It sounds like she knows what she’s doing. My advice is to let her.