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Ask Laskas

Jeanne Marie Laskas is the expert behind "Ask Laskas", an advice column that appears each month in Reader's Digest.

Jeanne Marie Laskas is the expert behind “Ask Laskas”, an advice column that appears each month in Reader’s Digest. Questions about parents, partners or office politics? E-mail advice@readersdigest.com.

Please note that we have the right to publish your letter or an edited version in all print and electronic media.

Your Comments

  • Ellen

    In a recent column one of your readers wrote in to tell you that she was troubled by a friend who “swears like a truck driver.” Please help us stop this stereotype and don’t related a profession to the use of profanity. It’s just wrong and swearing has nothing to do with driving a truck.

    Ellen Voie
    President/CEO
    Women In Trucking, Inc.

    • Carmen

      It is just an expression, because, somehow, driving a truck (as in a cross-country trucker) relates to swearing. And the expression is “Swearing like a trucker,” not like a truck driver. They are two different things.

    • Carmen

      It is just an expression, because, somehow, driving a truck (as in a cross-country trucker) relates to swearing. And the expression is “Swearing like a trucker,” not like a truck driver. They are two different things.

      • Kathryn Blubaugh

        A “trucker” is a person who drives a truck professionally, therefore a “truck driver”. It’s not two different things at all.

  • Suberdale

    I was just reading your June july R D and saw were you told a wife to shout stop like to a dog to her husband then tell him let me walk through the door first if my wife did this to me she would open her own door from now until she said she was sorry and yes we are happy and been married for 30 years I do that with my wife sometimes as I don’t know what are who is on the other side of the door a
    Or if it’s raining to get out of the weather also but give her plenty of room to walk by me

    • abilene

      To each his own, they say, and there is someone for everyone. Obviously, you and your wife were meant for each other. Clears the way for all the real men out there.

  • Bill Walsh

    Hello. I was just reading the March 2010 issue(I somehow missed it!) and am concerned about your advice to “Worried”, regarding her promotion over her husband.  You encouraged them to make sure one or the other sought other employment.  In my years in the workplace, (over 30) I’ve usually found that someone promoted over someone else with more time on the job was usually merited.  The husband needs to look at his contribution to the company and see where he could improve, he needs to support his wife and stand behind her and simply man up.  Also, if he is ranting about the unfairness of her promotion, he’s probably ranting about lots of other things he thinks are unfair.  As I’m sure you’ll agree, this kind of noise from our fellow man is just about the most useless.  

    I read your column regularly, and usually agree with and applaud your observations, and when I don’t agree with you, I can usually see your point.  On this one though, I think you may have missed the mark.  This is one husband that I don’t think spends much time thinking about how he could be a better person.  And one wife who may want to think about what the real problem is with her huband.

    Sincerely,
    Bill Walsh 

  • AskHenry

    Dear Henry,

    The other day when my wife and I were about to enter our home, she shouted, “Stop!” at me and then said, “Now stand there until I walk through!” like she was talking to a dog. I was flabbergasted. What should I do next time this happens?

    Confused

    Dear Confused,

    The next time your wife does this, give her a good backhand across the face, shout, “No! Bad wife!” at her, and proceed inside, locking the door behind you. Continue doing this until she quits. She just needs a bit of wife training.

    Does the above offend you? Good. Because your advice to Lady and the Tramp was equally offensive. Who in the world told you it would be a good idea for you to write an advice column? Bad girl!

  • SharonJoy1958

    My daughter and son in law both work full time in order to make ends meet.  What was supposed to be a short term commitment on my part has become my daughter expecting me to fall into line with her schedule.   What bothers me about watching the children is that if they are being disciplined in their home for a bad behaviour, she wants me to carry it over to my home when they are here.  I have a problem with this.  I may be wrong but my view is that if I am watching them in my home then my home should be a neutral place for them. Not allowing them to watch TV at home is their disciplining their children but when they come here it just makes my job more difficult when they are not allowed to do those things here.   If they are naughty here then that is different but if they were bad at home than the parents should be the ones to carry out the discipline and not the grandparents.  I am having a hard time getting my daughter to understand that our home should be a safe haven for the grandkids and that I should not be required to carry out her discipline. I want to cooperate but would like input either way in this situation. 

    I want my life back!

    • Tmbschneid

      Boy oh boy! You are doing her a favor and she is dictating how the favor must be done! I would simply tell her that you are happy to follow her lead on some things, but that some of her rules make it too hard for you to carry out this favor you are doing for her. If she doesn’t agree, tell her she needs to find someone else.

    • Bent-ley

      Your house, Your rules,  leave comunications open

    • Carmen

      Tell her exactly what you said here, pushing the line about wanting your life back. If she still refuses to listen, tell her to put herself in your shoes. You said that you thought your home would be a neutral place. You are entirely correct. When I was little, before they moved, my grandpa would invite my family over to his house frequently. If I was, say, not supposed to talk to my little sister because I said mean things to her, (as long as I had nice things to say) I could talk to her. If I was bad there (which I never was…) I would be in trouble, no doubt. But punishments were never carried on into his house. Tell your daughter that it is hard for you to continue their punishments, especially since I bet you don’t have an X-Box or Wii like I bet they do. You can teach them how to do other things besides watch TV if she refuses to budge. OR, since it is your house, you can let it go and not continue the punishments without her knowing. Use this only as a last resort, though.

      GOOD LUCK!

      -Carmen 
      PS no I do not have an advice column, even though I wish I did…

    • Carmen

      Tell her exactly what you said here, pushing the line about wanting your life back. If she still refuses to listen, tell her to put herself in your shoes. You said that you thought your home would be a neutral place. You are entirely correct. When I was little, before they moved, my grandpa would invite my family over to his house frequently. If I was, say, not supposed to talk to my little sister because I said mean things to her, (as long as I had nice things to say) I could talk to her. If I was bad there (which I never was…) I would be in trouble, no doubt. But punishments were never carried on into his house. Tell your daughter that it is hard for you to continue their punishments, especially since I bet you don’t have an X-Box or Wii like I bet they do. You can teach them how to do other things besides watch TV if she refuses to budge. OR, since it is your house, you can let it go and not continue the punishments without her knowing. Use this only as a last resort, though.

      GOOD LUCK!

      -Carmen 
      PS no I do not have an advice column, even though I wish I did…

  • Diane Dleet115

    In the August issue you answered a question about wet/used bath towels incorrectly. Wet towels or any wet item should be hung if you are not going to wash them within hours. During the summer especially, putting your damp towels, wash cloths, or wet anything in your hamper is inviting at the least a musty smell on all the clothing in the hamper. One should never mix wet and dry  in the same hamper as it could cause mildew if left for even a day when the weather is very warm and humid. Also, it’s a good idea to leave your washing machine’s door open or it too will start to smell. A small thing maybe, but it can cause a lot of extra work for the person doing laundry–and that musty smell is diffficult to get out. Mildew spots often will not come out at all, so you have just ruined your towels and clothing.   
     Diane C.

  • Mpaull

    Dear Ask Laskas – I am reading my October issue and noticed the question about the Grandmother shower.  I am so grateful my friends did not read your answer a year ago, when they showered me as a first time expectant Grandma.  It was a fun evening – filled with Grandma advice and little gifts that they told me were indispensible.  Some were new and some were used, but mostly, I just felt loved as they shared my excitement.  I have since showered several first-time Grandmas and each time, the friendship and fun is worth any small monitary expense.  Can’t wait for more Grands

  • Davenatriley

    What’s a man to do?
    Ms. Laskas;
    You gave some really shabby advice to “Lady and the Tramp” in the June/July 2011 issue of Readers Digest. 
    Does the delicate lady in question have a broken arm?  What would she do if she were to meet with a closed door when her husband is not with her? 
    Does she really not believe that in modern day America that she is the equal of her husband?  Does she not realize that opening the door for a woman is an archaic throwback to when women were considered “the weaker sex”?  In this day of women’s lib and women’s equality, it is not unusual for N.O.W. women to berate a man who holds a door for them with the statement, “What’s the matter, don’t you think I can do that for myself?”   Besides that, I have numerous times held a door for women who don’t even say “Thank you”.   Incidentally, I have never had one of those big burly “tramps” fail to thank me for holding the door for him after I’d gone through myself. 
    Did the “Lady” ever stop to consider that off-times doors are heavy or awkward to open and the easiest thing for “the tramp” to do is to open it, step through and hold it for her?  What’s the matter; is her little girl pride hurt if she can’t “be first”? 
    Consider too your advice to shout a command to “stop!” – like she was talking to her dog.  Is that what YOU think of men – that we’re dogs?  If I ever heard a woman demean her husband like that, I’d have to loudly say, “What a b—-”.   Would she not be demeaning herself along with her husband?  One would have to also ask if she would like to be treated that way when she fails to meet with “the tramp’s” expectations. 
    What shabby advice; you were way off base with that one. 

  • Patty Katzmar

    Recently you answered a question regarding co-workers planning a shower for a grandmother to be.  Your opinion was that the grandmother did not need baby items but maybe the group could get something for the mother to be.  As the grandmother of 3, I can tell you that gifts for the grandparents are definitely needed and appreciated.  A pack and play for Grandma’s house gives the little one a placed to rest so parents can come for a visit or dinner or a night out.  A small portable swing for baby is a great gift.  It is nice for the parents to be able to visit someone without dragging along all the baby things. 

  • Totally Confused

    My parents are married for last 15 years. Since the last year I think that my father is cheating on my mother. He talks to this lady in way that he talks to my mother. I am very sure that there is an other lady in my Dads life. Shall i talk to my Dad or shall i tell to my mom? Please tell me what to do                                                                                                                                                                                               Totally Confused 

  • Athena77

    This is reference to tipping salon owners. As a third generation salon owner/ stylist for twenty seven years, I am not offended by offers of tips.
    It is my understanding that the custom of not tipping the owner originated in the 70′s when “Fabio” charged $100 for a haircut. 
    That is not the case in most circumstances these days. Many of us try to keep our prices competitive to allow for tipping. Tipping is income, it helps us . 

  • Jeffrey

    I’m getting married for a second and last time in March. My Mom has told me several family friends have asked about what to give as a gift. My future wife and I are in our 40′s and have been married before, our youngest children are in high school. We have no need for any appliances or things such as that, we didn’t register anywhere because of this reason. I was wondering is it rude to ask for money towards honeymoon? It would be very helpful and appreciated. However, I don’t know if it’s appropriate.

  • Dianegoddez

    I can’t come out to my mom what should I do?
    Freaked out teen

  • Dianegoddez

    I can’t come out to my mom what should I do?
    Freaked out teen

    • a mom

      Chances are your Mom already knows or suspects. 
      Get a good support system around you, of supportive friends/relatives (both gay and straight) and think of who might be available for your Mom to have on hand as her support system, when you have the talk with her. (Maybe alert someone close to her before hand, so they can be available to her, but someone that will not talk prematurely.) 
      None of these people need to be there when you talk to her but should be available to each of you if you need someone else to lean on. It would be very helpful if you each had a friend to turn to that had been thru this or a similar talk with a loved one. Be totally honest & up front with her about your feelings and how long you have felt the way you do. Tell her how much you love her and what a great job she has done as a mom and mentor. Let her know that the love and trust you have in her is the only way you are able to share your feelings about this with her. Tell her about your fears of disappointing her or losing her love and respect, but make her fully aware that this is who and what you are and nothing can change that. Don’t let a negative initial reaction devastate you. Remember this maybe be a total shock to her and may be the end of who she always dreamed her child would be. (As much as parents don’t want to project ourselves onto our children, we all do.) 
      I hope your family gives you the same love and respect that they always have. You are still the same person, just opening another window of your life to them.
      Blessings to you Both,
      A straight mom & friend of LGBTs 

    • a mom

      Chances are your Mom already knows or suspects. 
      Get a good support system around you, of supportive friends/relatives (both gay and straight) and think of who might be available for your Mom to have on hand as her support system, when you have the talk with her. (Maybe alert someone close to her before hand, so they can be available to her, but someone that will not talk prematurely.) 
      None of these people need to be there when you talk to her but should be available to each of you if you need someone else to lean on. It would be very helpful if you each had a friend to turn to that had been thru this or a similar talk with a loved one. Be totally honest & up front with her about your feelings and how long you have felt the way you do. Tell her how much you love her and what a great job she has done as a mom and mentor. Let her know that the love and trust you have in her is the only way you are able to share your feelings about this with her. Tell her about your fears of disappointing her or losing her love and respect, but make her fully aware that this is who and what you are and nothing can change that. Don’t let a negative initial reaction devastate you. Remember this maybe be a total shock to her and may be the end of who she always dreamed her child would be. (As much as parents don’t want to project ourselves onto our children, we all do.) 
      I hope your family gives you the same love and respect that they always have. You are still the same person, just opening another window of your life to them.
      Blessings to you Both,
      A straight mom & friend of LGBTs 

  • Coxprocuts

    Dear Ask Laskas, I was very upset with your article on Modern Manners when ask is you should tip your salon or nail owner and you said,”no.” Do you realize that as an owner of a small business I have more expenses then my employees. I live on only my tips. This is how I get paid. What I make for my business as hair salon owner is very expensive. I have payroll Lease, Franchise Fee, Utilities, Supplies, Advertisement, Taxes and etc. Being a small business owner is very expensive. So please do not speak for all salon or nail owners who are struggling like everyone else in this economy. I  haven’t raise my prices for two years and before that for  4 years to help my customers who are also stuggling in this economy. So remember we do appreciate our customers that why were owners and are trying to get by like ever small business is now. Thanks to my customers for their Tips. Remember when you print a article about owner’s of a business ask for their option first you may be suprise by their answers. Thier probably like me.                                 Thank You, From A Struggling Hair Salon Owner in Ohio

    • CEOgenius

      Then raise your prices!  You should not have to live on tips only!

  • Bob

    I’m shocked by the blatant bigotry showed by Laskas in her July column where she told a reader to scold her husband “like a dog”. I think an apology is in order.

    This sort of sexism would not have been printed if the rolls were reversed. The question was about an old-fashioned men’s role — holding a door for a woman — and Laskis instructed the woman to shout “Stop!” with a “tone you’d use on a dog”.

    Think of how outraged you would feel if a man wrote that a husband should scold his wife like a dog for not doing something old-fashioned for the husband like, say, cooking dinner.

    Laskas owes everyone an apology.

    • CEOgenius

      I think Laskas p***ed everyone off with that vicious piece of advice.

  • Judy

    In the march 2012 issue the first question related to the loud friend who cried, laughed and clapped inappropriately, she could have had a recent head injury and not being treated. these are all classic issues of head trauma. if this is a new behavior she needs to see a doctor who specialize  in   pm and R or Neurology with a special interest in TBI, 

  • Judy

    In the march 2012 issue the first question related to the loud friend who cried, laughed and clapped inappropriately, she could have had a recent head injury and not being treated. these are all classic issues of head trauma. if this is a new behavior she needs to see a doctor who specialize  in   pm and R or Neurology with a special interest in TBI, 

  • Lp25701

    In your latest edition you replied to an anonymous 16 year old asking “Who’s phone is it?”. The child was upset that her? mother read her texts if she set her phone down. Same child was annoyed that just because “her mother paid the monthly bill” and I’m guessing paid for said phone that her mother had violated her privacy. In short, here’s my answer: It is your mothers phone. She allows you this privilege so count yourself lucky to even have the phone. I refer to the author that asked this question as a child simply because she’s behaving like a self entitled child. I didn’t have a cell at 16, and I’m pretty sure you didn’t either. Children are entirely to entitled these days! They do not need cell phones, but parents seem to think that they do. This translates to the children, hence the sense of entitlement. Trust me, my mother knew where I was at all times when I was a child. Without the use of any technology beyond a land line, and with a healthy dose of respect and a dash of fear she made sure where I was.

  • Trishkinnick

    In the May 2012 issue of Ask Laskas ,  I feel the answer under Modern Manners missed the mark. The advice given was really good  for general visits from in laws but did not address the real reason I believe the requester asked for advice. She was saying, how do I ask my husband’s parents to come see him before he leaves to work in Afghanistan and not come while he is gone?  The parents may be trying to help her while he is out of country but that was not addressed  in the question. The writer should have a talk with her husband to see if he would like to visit with his parents before or after his out of country work. Maybe nobody told the parents? Maybe the husband should? Too many variables  in this question to go with the answer that was published.

  • ShakespeareFn

    Lasak, I don’t have an answer for perplexed youngster but I have the opposite problem. I’m sick and tired of all these people who insist on calling me by my first name. I’d like to know why its suddenly polite for bank tellers and sales clerks to read my name off my check or credit card and call my by my first name? Since when am I close enough to all these people to be on a first name basis with them? I’d like to know bcause someone forgot to introduce me to all these people.  I don’t socialize with you, so please don’t pretend we’re close friends and start using the manners you should have been taught growing up. Like calling a woman like me, Ma’am. Of course I haven’t got a clue how to stop them, I usually ignore them.

    • Ihateshakespeare

      They are trying to be friendly.  Don’t be such a paranoid porcupine with its quills stuck in a pineapple!

  • Keith

    To Perplexed Youngster: You didn’t say from whom you received the backlash.  If it was coworkers, ignore them (nicely).  If it was the upper management, then feel free to ask them how they would prefer to be addressed. 

  • Gwenearnold

    To the youngest employee who wonders what to call upper management:  Why not by their names, when it’s necessary to use a title at all, such as to get their attention, or “Yes, Mr. Jones.”  I believe if the “backlash” had come from the managers, they’d have suggested how they liked to be addressed. I would not pay attention to others who object to “Sir” or “Ma’am”, which are polite.

  • Uffdaskid2

    in response to “Perplexed Youngster”:
    I think it’s great that you address them with such politeness, and they should think so too! However, they should have a say as to how people refer to them, so i would consult the concerned and explain that you just wanted to be polite. try to work out another respectful term that they are fine with, and stick to that.

  • G. Purkerson

    Perplexed Teenager, good for you, continue using your good manners.  Over time perhaps your co-workers will see the wisdom of good manners, as opposed to continuing to demonstrate their lack by being crass & crude in dealing with others.                                  G. Purkerson

  • Betty

    For the “perplexed youngster” in your June 2012 issue -

    Good manners NEVER go out of style and I applaud you for your respectfulness to upper management.  However, if the individual being addressed is offended. then leave off the “sir” or ma’am”.  (You must be from the South)

    Betty from Georgia

  • Betty

    For the “perplexed youngster” in your June 2012 issue -

    Good manners NEVER go out of style and I applaud you for your respectfulness to upper management.  However, if the individual being addressed is offended. then leave off the “sir” or ma’am”.  (You must be from the South)

    Betty from Georgia

  • Betty

    For the “perplexed youngster” in your June 2012 issue -

    Good manners NEVER go out of style and I applaud you for your respectfulness to upper management.  However, if the individual being addressed is offended. then leave off the “sir” or ma’am”.  (You must be from the South)

    Betty from Georgia

  • Betty

    For the “perplexed youngster” in your June 2012 issue -

    Good manners NEVER go out of style and I applaud you for your respectfulness to upper management.  However, if the individual being addressed is offended. then leave off the “sir” or ma’am”.  (You must be from the South)

    Betty from Georgia

  • Betty

    For the “perplexed youngster” in your June 2012 issue -

    Good manners NEVER go out of style and I applaud you for your respectfulness to upper management.  However, if the individual being addressed is offended. then leave off the “sir” or ma’am”.  (You must be from the South)

    Betty from Georgia

  • Fjbrant

    Kudos to the parent of the youngster who addresses upper management with “sir or ma’am”. Too many youngsters aren’t taught good manners now days. I have management younger than myself, and I address them as “sir or ma’am”, out of respect for their position. This is just good manners…..keep it up, you’re doing a great job of honoring your parents.
                                         
                                                                                Faunette,
                                                                                    Seymour, In.

  • Fjbrant

    Kudos to the parent of the youngster who addresses upper management with “sir or ma’am”. Too many youngsters aren’t taught good manners now days. I have management younger than myself, and I address them as “sir or ma’am”, out of respect for their position. This is just good manners…..keep it up, you’re doing a great job of honoring your parents.
                                         
                                                                                Faunette,
                                                                                    Seymour, In.

  • John Ingram

    Regarding your reader’s question in the June issue. Good manners is never too good. It is far better to be formally respectful and invited to ” Just call me Jim” than to be walked to a corner and have it pointed out to you that more respect is expected. Good manners is the “grease” by which we manage to live with each other.

    John Ingram
    Ray, Ohio

  • John Ingram

    Regarding your reader’s question in the June issue. Good manners is never too good. It is far better to be formally respectful and invited to ” Just call me Jim” than to be walked to a corner and have it pointed out to you that more respect is expected. Good manners is the “grease” by which we manage to live with each other.

    John Ingram
    Ray, Ohio

  • http://www.facebook.com/korybstone Kory Stone

    I just saw the comment to Angry sister about helping to pay for a car accident her sister had when she was doing a favor. Are you serious? What about responsibility to operate the vehicle safely? I think you are flat our wrong on this one. it is the one that is driving that is responsible for the car.

    • a mom

      Angry Sister is not legally, morally, or ethically responsible in any way; however this is your sister and you live with her in your life, one way or another. Resentment is guaranteed forever, if Angry Sister doesn’t agree to shoulder some of the financial responsibility. It’s up to you Sis if you want to hear about this for the rest of your life.  

  • Alicia Townes

    In regarding the artical in “Ask ? Laskas, the question was “how would you address your boss on the job. I would say if he or she was younger than you should say yes or no, but if he was older than you, you should say”sir or “ma’m  

  • Karen Lancaster

    What is going on with your Ask Laskas feature?  I opened my new Readers Digest today and turned first to your advice column.  The first question about the sister’s accident in going to the post office was very familiar.  I knew I had read the same thing recently, although your version was a little shorter.  I typed in the first sentence and sure enough, it was from a May 2, 2012 Dear Abby.  I didn’t look it up, but I feel pretty sure the second question was, too.  Isn’t that plagiarism?

    I do have a question for you.  Is it all right to sing an alma mater from a school you didn’t go to when they play it at a football game, for example?

    Thank you, Karen Lancaster, Alvy, WV

  • sucker

    I think the world is a cruel pace to live in.

  • Elizabeth Sosnowski

    I read  the question from Perplexed Youngster in the lastest issue and can identify with his /her dilema.Growing up in the South,we were taught from infancy to honor elders with manners such as standing when they entered the room and addressing them as “sir” and “ma’am”. As I went out into the world,I found that others were  often taken aback or even felt insulted when,out of habit,I used this courtesy in daily life.It seems that good manners are increasingly rare and if I choose to treat folks in a way meant to be respectful,that should be okay.However,if someone is uncomfortable,it’s important  to respect his/herfeelings.Using good manners isn’t about keeping some social rules,it’s about concern,respect and kindness for others i.e., being willing to give up doing things our way sometimes. May 18,2012 Elizabeth Sosnowski

  • Melissamlewis

    To try and make a very complicated series of events simple, my mother (and father) in law are now living 5 minutes away from us after we moved away from living very near both our parents when my husband got his father a job at the same company he works for. My mother in law, while never having technically done anything “wrong”, is very emotionally manipulative and I have grown embittered toward her over the 10 years I’ve dealt with her, with no change in sight. It is to the point that when I think about having to interact with her in any way brings knots to my stomach, and terrible anxiety. I am especially anxious because I am expecting our second child in 3 months, and I am so depressed at knowing I have to share this with them while my own family is 1400 miles away. While I don’t hold it against my husband for bringing them so closely into our lives, is it his responsibility to fix this as their son? Do I even have a right to expect things to change?

    • Alicia Townes

      No, I think you should be nice for your husbsnd sake and keep piece in the family

    • Alicia Townes

      No, I think you should be nice for your husbsnd sake and keep piece in the family

  • Alicia Townes

    What you said about singing a class song of another school at a footballgsme, I see nothing wong with it

  • mom’s girl

    What is wrong with people today? My mother has always been there for all her children, no matter what. Now that she is nearing her 80′s, my siblings are more worried about what she has left them in her will. They and her grandchildren don’t visit or call her. One sibling of mine, even told her that if she didn’t show him her will, he would not ever say or do anything for her again. The other tells her she is coming to see her , than doesn’t come or calls with an excuse why she can’t come to see her. This leaves me to console her when she cries about this. Is it wrong for me to have the feelings that once my mother has passed, that I really don’t want anything to do with my siblings? What is so sad, is that I thought we had a close knit family. I have to bite my tounge, because I promised mom not to say anything to them, because she feels like they should come to her freely and not because of guilt. I personally don’t think guilt is anything that they feel.

    • a mom

      Any child that makes monetary demands or intimidates an elder parent is being abusive. Your Mom should gather enough strength and fortitude to tell him that he has no right to treat her that way and she should not give into his ridiculous demands. It is none of his business! Children have no right to treat their parents like they are an investment.
      Bite your tongue if your comments are scathing to your siblings, regarding visits. If you feel you must talk to them for your mom’s sake, do it with an open mind and understanding. We all have our own lives. They will have to live with their own regrets when your mom is gone. Just make sure you don’t have any. 

    • Lobomental

      They should feel guilt.  If your mother does not want them to feel guilt, then make them feel physical pain…

  • Alicia Townes

    I think your siblings should see your mother as much as they can. If trasnsportation is a problem they should ask someone they trust to take them because she is not going to live forever

  • Lovelearning3

    My mother conditioned us to hate our father after their divorce.  Years later I realized that it was her influence that taught us to hate our father.  I asked her not to say anything negative about my father  anymore and now she does not talk to me.  Do I just let her go?  It is painful to continue to try to contact her with no response. 

  • Lovelearning3

    My mother conditioned us to hate our father after their divorce.  Years later I realized that it was her influence that taught us to hate our father.  I asked her not to say anything negative about my father  anymore and now she does not talk to me.  Do I just let her go?  It is painful to continue to try to contact her with no response. 

    • Alicia Townes

      Tell her if she persist on talking about your father that you will not see her as often as she would because this is between your father and her

    • Alicia Townes

      Tell her if she persist on talking about your father that you will not see her as often as she would because this is between your father and her

  • MJ

    June 2012   Carside Serenade / Earache
    If you don’t want them to sing, try turning off the radio and having a conversation. 
    just a thought.

  • PASIntervention

    Psychological Child Abuse is one of the worst forms of Domestic Violence and abuse.  But did you know that most people do not even know what it is or that when a parent deliberately impedes with the relationship between the children and the other parent, that this is psychological child abuse ?  There are mountains of information out there about Parental Alienation and psychological child abuse.   The problem is that courts and counselors are not properly trained in recognizing it.  Do you know how to spot it if it were shown it?  Please consider reading up on this severe form of child abuse that destroys the children for life.

    • Lovelearning3

      Thank you PASIntervention.  I know a lot about PAS and I hate it.  I studied it for about three years and that was when I confronted my mother and asked her not to say anything about my father unless it was a benefit to me.  That was when she stopped talking to me.  Now I am wondering how to handle it.  Do I keep trying to contact her?  Or do I just let her go and stay stuck in her bitterness toward my dad.  This has also affected the relationship with my 8 siblings and it is just so sad.  I just don’t know how to continue with my mother.

      • a mom

        Instead of calling, try sending “Thinking of You” cards with a little personal note written inside. Maybe by the third or fourth card in a 6 month period suggest that you get together for lunch soon to talk. Your treat. If she agrees, keep the conversation light. Ask her if she is open to talking to you sometime about the way you feel and that you would like to hear the way she feels. At that meeting, truly listen to her even if you have heard it all before. After she finishes than tell her you understand how hurt she is and ask her if you can explain to her how hurt you feel by the situation. Maybe she will be open to reestablishing the lines of communication w/o feeling like you are betraying her and choosing sides. At some point she must be made aware of how she and your father have put you in the middle of an adult relationship issue that you did not ask to be a part of. You must keep stressing how very much you love her and want to support her in any way possible and you hope she can get past her own resentments to allow you to have a relationship with your father w/o interference or guilt; just as you wish to have the same relationship with her. 
        If it doesn’t work, just remember that some wounds go too deep and it is not your fault. You are only collateral damage.

  • Purturbed at your greed

    I just read, with a bit of disdain, In the Middle’s question about “Gift Guidance.” since when is a wedding invitation a request for gifts? Has this “entitlement” nonsense has even gotten into family celebrations?
    If you’re so intent upon your child’s receiving a gift, buy one in the brother’s name! As you wrote, “They are not as well off as we are…” Would you, perhaps, rather have the family send a gift and absent themselvelves from ceremony? I believe your priorities are a bit skewed.

  • J E Houser

    Re:  Perplexed Youngster:   Congratulations!  As on the door of an Oxford college, “Manners makyth man.”  Your response should only be a nice smile.

  • J E Houser

    Re:  Perplexed Youngster:   Congratulations!  As on the door of an Oxford college, “Manners makyth man.”  Your response should only be a nice smile.

  • J E Houser

    Re:  Perplexed Youngster:   Congratulations!  As on the door of an Oxford college, “Manners makyth man.”  Your response should only be a nice smile.

  • Dsckc

    In response to the problem of the perplexed youngster calling upper management “sir” and “ma’am” in the June 2012 issue, first I commend this person on his/her parents raising a polite child. I see this as a problem of the upper management. Do they consider this a sign of being considered older than they are? The solution may be that the next time this occurs, ask the person/persons how they would prefer to be addressed … Mr. _, Mrs. _, Ms. _ or by name?

  • Fred Bentley

    About “sir”, “Ma’am”,
    My parents and military training, taught me to say these to my seniors and to peoples in responsible positions.  However, if one ask you to refrain, honor their wishes; or you could reply that you are more comfortable in addressing them as such.
    fred bentley

  • Fred Bentley

    by-the-way, I am 73 and still do this
    fred

  • Rosemarie Cayetano

    I work in a State office and we have a postage machine and can put our own postage on different sized envelopes.  We also have different envelopes to fit our needs.  Well, a supervisor keeps putting only 1-3 sheets of paper in the 11-18 size envelope, costing 3 times the amount of postage than if she would have put these 3 sheets in a regular size envelope with the lowest amount of postage.  I asked her one time, why does she do that and she said it is none of my business.  I did respond that it is my business when she is costing the State double, if not triple the amount of postage when the State is in such dire straights for money.  She told me that if I “harass” her again about this issue, she would tell upper management.  I told her to do that and I would explain what she was doing too.  I told my supervisor and she said just let her do it…she IS a supervisor above all of us.  This is really bothering me because she keeps on putting just a few sheets of paper in the extra large envelope costing double and triple the postage.  What can I do about this?  Thanks.  Caring State Worker

    • a mom

      #1 Thank You for caring about how our tax money is spent!!!
      Try going to a high enough authority in the organization so that something can be done to make her comply. If you go to a lower level or someone with lateral authority to her, she is not compelled to comply. Remember, office politics trumps chain of command every time. Things like this will get shoved aside as meaningless in a lower level supervisors mind. 
      Do everything by e-mail or in writing and make sure you back up copies on a thumb drive or home printer so you have Gov’t whistle blower protection. It’s the law that you cannot be fired for reporting something like this now. If you belong to a union, take the issue to them first, to give them a heads up.

  • Sediqa71

    Hi I don’t have any money to pay the reader’s digest bill then what will happen please help me????

    • SHBuggatti

      Just read it in the checkout line and put it back….duh

  • http://twitter.com/TownesL Alicia Ellen Townes

    If the parties say that it is alright for you refrain from saying “sir”, or Ma”am, then try not to do it. 

  • http://twitter.com/TownesL Alicia Ellen Townes

    If it bothers you  that bad , do as she doesand call it a day

  • http://twitter.com/TownesL Alicia Ellen Townes

    If you can”t aford it, then do not order it or buy it at the grocery store only if you can splurge to buy it  

  • Valerie

    You asked for reader opinions (in the June issue) about the young person who was getting criticized at work for using the terms “sir” and “ma’am” with those older than himself. My suspicion is that the primary source of this comes from women who feel that the term “ma’am” should be reserved for those older than they are (or perceive themselves to be). I remember my horror at age 35 when I tipped a teenaged bag boy and he said, “Thank you, ma’am”. When I began teaching, I quickly changed my attitude. Manners and shows of respect are fast disappearing from our culture. I applaud this person for his. If he is forced to drop terms like this at work, it is others who lose out.

  • http://twitter.com/TownesL Alicia Ellen Townes

    I agree with you on this. Manners are important  

  • Family Nurse Mom from Texas

    July/August 2012 To Misunderstood Mom whose 16 year old daughter wants to wear Band T-Shirts. I have a 17 year old daughter, straight A’s AP classes and artistic. I would say let her – her peers, especially the guys will let her know if she looks great or not. Peer pressure goes a long way with teens. Remember teens can react emotionally. She does care what others think about her regardless of what she says. That is a development stage. Your not overracting just choose your battles. This is a minor one and I would keep quiet.

  • Veronica

    To the mother asking about letting her daughter wear Metallica shirts: By allowing your son to wear whatever he wants, but putting restrictions on your daughter, you’re only reinforcing the idea that her body isn’t her own to  make decisions about, whereas his is. That’s a dangerous idea to be planting in her mind. 

  • Brianfahey

    About Perplexed Youngster:  If you can remember who prefers to be called by first name, do so.  For those who do not complain, use their last name, as in Mr Smith, or Miss Smith.  Generally those who object to formality from someone younger actually are objecting to their own aging.  
    In the past I’ve had bosses who prefer their first name, Joe, but when in the company of a client to be called by their formal last name, Mr. Smith.

  • Zogreb

    The mother who won’t let her 16 year old daughter wear band t-shirts gave her daughter at least 3 horrible pieces of advice; first, let the opinions of other people determine your actions, second there should be a double standard for males and females, and third a girls clothes send the wrong message which implies that if something “bad” happens it’s the girls fault for wearing something she likes. Bad, bad, bad across the board.

  • Mary Gensler

    to the perplexed youngster; keep work and home separate. Unless you want to take work/your job to bed with you, keep them separate. Others may be comfortable using first name basis, but until you are; proper respect is necessary.

  • Carmen

    My parents are way too over protective. Well, mainly my dad. My mom is on my side about all of this, but my dad is controlling me and my social life. First of all: My computer has überstrict parental controls. I have no Facebook, Twitter, Skype. I only just have an e-mail, and anything that
    I get in my inbox goes to Mom’s and Dad’s, too. I “technically” have a cell phone, but it’s a cheap flip phone. Only just these last 2-3 months have I been allowed into Hollister or Aeropostale. I also have just been allowed into Justice, and that’s for little kids! I’m 12! I’m also not allowed to wear a bikini, but I’m not as complainy about that because I’ve seen really exposing bikinis, but I don’t want those. My dad just doesn’t get it! My computer even has a timer, and automatically shuts off at 10:00 and I can turn it on again at 5:00. I’m not even allowed to watch Disney Channel! My dad says it’s a “bad influence” and that he “doesn’t approve” of the behavior of some of the people on Disney Channel. At one point, I couldn’t even watch Phineas and Ferb because the sister tried to bust the brothers, and he thought that it was “influencing bad behavior”! I’m Catholic, and he is always either informing me about the Church in past days, or telling me “and this is the stupid, groundless reason I won’t let you do this,” sometimes both in one lecture! His excuse for Facebook, Twitter, etc. was “That’s where creepers live.” COME ON!!!!! I’m not a baby anymore. Ina a little less than a year, I’ll be a teenager. I won’t just sit around and be babied until I leave, and then be scared out of my wits because of what the world is now! My dad even looks on my computer and looks at the history, then tells me “don’t go on this site, I don’t like it.” I’m sick and tired of being treated like a baby, and want it to stop NOW!

    I AM NOT A BABY! I AM TWELVE YEARS OLD! I EXPECT TO BE TREATED LIKE I AM TWELVE AND NOT LIKE I AM FOUR OR FIVE!

    Sincerely,

    Sick of Being Babied

    • Mary

      Discipline is difficult when you are young but it is disciplined children that make the best adults. Still, today my dad yells “no” to me when I am singled out to do something he thinks I may not be able to do. Example: At a family party, on a country golf course, I noticed others driving the carts. My nieces and nephews noticed I am going, so “Aunt Mary can take us”. He hollered, “No”, very emphatically. I am 52 and just responded, “You children are worth millions and my insurance only pays a 1/2 million. He added that the golf carts sometimes tip over.

  • KB

    Deskside Dilemma:   You said it wasn’t an employees place to “tattletale”.   I hire employees to be part of the TEAM.   I expect that they “REPORT” anything that is affecting the success of the company.   The RULE is that employees are productive.      The one reading and surfing is clearly breaking a work rule and should be reported (anonymously with a note is fine!).    

      

  • KB

    Deskside Dilemma:   You said it wasn’t an employees place to “tattletale”.   I hire employees to be part of the TEAM.   I expect that they “REPORT” anything that is affecting the success of the company.   The RULE is that employees are productive.      The one reading and surfing is clearly breaking a work rule and should be reported (anonymously with a note is fine!).    

      

  • Beaphd

    In response to your solicited answers regarding the question of “Yes and No Sir/Ma’am” with supervisors on the job:

    It is truly a shame that this courteous behavior is disappearing from our culture.  But it is.  You were raised to be respectful, but people don’t generally respect their elders anymore.  So unless you are visiting a retirement  home in the deep South, the use of “sir” and “ma’am” makes middle-aged people think you are calling them ancient history.  Thus, it is regarded now as an insult, not a courteous thing to do.  Since courteous people like you won’t want to insult anyone, you might want to save such language for your own family members who will appreciate it.

  • Jean

    For Deskside Dilemma:  I don’t agree with Laskas.  If “Riled” continues to ignore the situation with the “bad apple” in her department, her resentment will continue to build and could result in her leaving the job, thereby depriving the company of an excellent employee.  The supervisor is  either unaware or uncaring of the situation.  Either way the company suffers:  first for the potential loss of a valued employee and second because of an under performing employee.  In my mind that equates to stealing from the employer as wages are paid for performance and there isn’t any viable performance.  “Riled” should confidentially advise the immediate supervisor of her observations and request the supevisor to personally observe the situation.   It’s not being a rat; it’s showing an admirable concern for the continued success of the company and its resources, which includes its personnel practices and policies. 

  • Rubylightening62

    a reply to ‘calling our wise readers’:
    Dear Misunderstood Mom:

    Your daughter is right; you are blatantly ‘sexist and unfair’. If she is treated differently from her brother, it should be based on the judgement she has shown, not her gender. She is showing a degree of maturity in not caring what people think if they base their opinion on what she wears. Mom, save your adamant stances for the important things like drinking and driving. Teens do not react well to noncompromise unless they see the sense in what you are saying. Go buy the kid a T-shirt and stop sweatin’ the small stuff! I am 69 years old, so this not just a  youthful opinion.

    Mrs. Margie Cousins
    6000 Brook Rd. Apt. 121
    Richmond, Va. 23227
    (804) 264-1971

  • Elizabeth

    In reply to the Mother/Daughter question of wearing band T-shirts (heavy metal groups):  One way to help the daughter be swayed from her choice is for the Mother to wear the “heavy metal group” T-shirt, too. (Need any explanation?).  

    EFO

  • sharon heffelbower

    On your reply to “riled”( who was getting someone elses work on her desk while the other person wasted time) was missing something very important.   If this work that was being put on her desk belonged to the other person, then she should just take it and put it back on the other person’s desk.   Or, she should take the work to her manager and explain what happened.   She shouldn’t be doing work that someone else should be doing – and as a manager myself, I would want to know who was doing what work.  

  • Gerrituc

    In your June column a Perplexed Youngster did not understand the backlash he/she was receiving using the terms sir and ma’am in addressing upper management.  I had the opposite experience:  I was the oldest employee working with colleagues as much as half my age and they used “respectful terms” in addressing me that I too was not comfortable with.  When you are working in a civilian environment as an adult, you are on equal foot with all the other adults in that environment, hence all should be addressed in the same manner.  This is not the military, put your “adult hat” on and address everyone the same at work!

  • Gerrituc

    In your June column a Perplexed Youngster did not understand the backlash he/she was receiving using the terms sir and ma’am in addressing upper management.  I had the opposite experience:  I was the oldest employee working with colleagues as much as half my age and they used “respectful terms” in addressing me that I too was not comfortable with.  When you are working in a civilian environment as an adult, you are on equal foot with all the other adults in that environment, hence all should be addressed in the same manner.  This is not the military, put your “adult hat” on and address everyone the same at work!

  • Jforwood

    Misunderstood Mom,
    The message a Metallica T-shirt sends whether it’s on a boy or girl is that the teen likes  Metallica.   I’m  47 and a mother of 2 girls. (Both like Metallica ) I like Metallica.  Ease up and trust your daughter she’s right and I’m not quite sure what message you think this shirts sends.  If it’s negtive then your son should not be wearing it either.                    Fan of Metallica
                                       Janet

  • Flgeiger2

    To Misunderstood Mom:  Maybe your daughter wants to appear a little edgy without going to far.  Tee shirts are easier to remove than tattoos.  Save your strength for the real battles.  M. Geiger, Fort Myers, FL

  • Verna A;;em

    For Misunderstood Mom.  Stick to your guns. Tell your son to quit wearing that tee shirt, too
    Verna Allen

  • Verna A;;em

    For Misunderstood Mom.  Stick to your guns. Tell your son to quit wearing that tee shirt, too
    Verna Allen

  • Verna Allen

    Tell misunderstood Mom to stick with her guns. And to tell the son to quit wearing the tee shirt, too. Verna Allen

  • Verna Allen

    Tell misunderstood Mom to stick with her guns. And to tell the son to quit wearing the tee shirt, too. Verna Allen

  • Jodyflower1

    To Misunderstood Mom -
    Your 16-year old daughter who wants to wear band T-shirts is expressing herself and her individuality.  To tell her that a girl wearing those types of shirts will “give the wrong impression” IS sexist, especially considering you allowed her brother to do so.  You are teaching her that females cannot do what males can, which is the farthest thing from reality.  Let her express her style in a way that she is comfortable and she will be a more confident, self-assured young woman.  If she feels good about the way she looks, that can be very positive in other aspects of her life.  Being a teenager is one of the most difficult times and to ‘fit in’ and ‘be yourself’ is especially vital at this time for her overall well-being.  Pick your battles and put more focus into concerning yourself about her schoolwork than the way she is dressing.
    J. Tracey
    Sandwich, MA

  • LJMC

    In your July issue a Mother wrote in about not wanting to let her daughter wear a heavy metal t-shirt. First, it is a double standard to let your son wear one and not your daughter, but that aside-I am a 47 year old woman who is responsible, has a long term successful career, has been married for 28 years and I listen to heavy metal as well as all kinds of music. Depends on the mood. I do not believe music will make your daughter anything she not already is. If your daughter is making good grades, is respectful and responsible-let her wear what she wants (obviously I would not let her wear anything with vulgar wording-nor your son either)-but the name of a band should be harmless. Rock on!

  • Debi

    I was just reading the July//August RD about the Mom who has a 16 year old daughter who wants to wear band T-shirts such as heavy metal groups like Metallica.  I say – Mom, pick your battles.  Relax and let her express herself. 
     

  • avid reader

    To Misunderstood Mom,  you should pick the important battles that you really want to win – or at least really make her see your point.  At least, it’s a t-shirt and not a Mettalica tattoo.  And what’s to stop her from wearing it once she gets out of your sight?  I would choose to forbid drugs or unsafe sex, rather than a t-shirt.  If it’s not lewd, vulgar or obscene – I feel there are other more important wars to wage with a teenage daughter.  Also, keep her on your side for as long as you can…she’ll grow up and move out soon enough…good luck!

  • Rugratleroux

    I was reading your July/August 2012 issue “calling our wise readers” It’s a story about a 16 year-old daughter wanting to wear a Metallica t-shirt and the mother is against it but allows her son to wear it.  Signed Misunderstood Mom.  I feel that she should allow her daughter to wear that t-shirt if she allows her son to wear it.  It’s a fad that we all go through and she will soon outgrow.  I would worry  if she was doing drugs, drinking or something worse.  I’ve seen girls wearing shirts that has cuss words on them.  Now that’s inappropriate!!  

    J. Leroux
    Mother of three

  • Rugratleroux

    I was reading your July/August 2012 issue “calling our wise readers” It’s a story about a 16 year-old daughter wanting to wear a Metallica t-shirt and the mother is against it but allows her son to wear it.  Signed Misunderstood Mom.  I feel that she should allow her daughter to wear that t-shirt if she allows her son to wear it.  It’s a fad that we all go through and she will soon outgrow.  I would worry  if she was doing drugs, drinking or something worse.  I’ve seen girls wearing shirts that has cuss words on them.  Now that’s inappropriate!!  

    J. Leroux
    Mother of three

  • Rugratleroux

    I was reading your July/August 2012 issue “calling our wise readers” It’s a story about a 16 year-old daughter wanting to wear a Metallica t-shirt and the mother is against it but allows her son to wear it.  Signed Misunderstood Mom.  I feel that she should allow her daughter to wear that t-shirt if she allows her son to wear it.  It’s a fad that we all go through and she will soon outgrow.  I would worry  if she was doing drugs, drinking or something worse.  I’ve seen girls wearing shirts that has cuss words on them.  Now that’s inappropriate!!  

    J. Leroux
    Mother of three

  • R. Beck

    Dear Misunderstood Mom:
    Get your self a “Metallica” T-shirt and wear it in public.

  • Sue Bradford

    In July’s edition Misunderstood Mom was upset because her daughter wanted to wear rock band T shirts. When I was younger I wore bells on my ankles and big floppy hats. I once asked my mom how she tolerated that. She said, “I knew it was a phase.” I think had she protested and told me I couldn’t wear it I would have rebelled and worn it just to bother her. Ah yes, youth. Let it go it doesn’t define who your daughter is and it is only a phase.
    Bells no longer on my ankles

  • Wdwmbr

    In response to “stuck in the middle” in your Sept. issue… am a 71 yr. old mom. I do the same as the 74 yr. old mom. I do not lie, but I will omit some facts & gloss over details. I try to add a little humor, so they can see the situation in a different light.  I consider myself a mediator & peace-maker between my adult son & his adult daughter. Hey, I love both of them.

  • Primcessanne

    i was getting caught up on my reading and i came across the answer you gave to counrty cousin, who was asking about his future wifes heritage. her parents had imigrated here and were first cousins. his friends had told him to consult a genetisest, and others had told him to call off the wedding. you blew it when u told him to go ahead. he should have reported her parents to the FBI and had them and thier inbred children sent back to where they came from.  the children he has with his wife might not be affected by his wifes inbreeding but grandchildren and greatgrandchild. will be at risk ro cystic fribosis. muscular distrophy, ect ect. this is where these medical conditions originate from and i’d be willing to bet that it is NOT  the custom in the country where his wifes family immigrated from, for first cousins to marry each other. they were forced to immigrate when they decided to marry each other becaue thier country  of origin doesnt allow first cousins to marry each other any more than the united states does. 

  • KennyDidactic

    To the woman who’s mothr lies about matters concerning the daughter.  In response to her comment, “It’s as if she thinks that I won’t have the right reacton to the truth”.  “IF” is a conclusion based on “if”.  Suggest she ask her mother, “Shouold I confront this matter or should I let it go”.  This would not only answer her question, but alert her mother of the problem and together a solution is found.

  • Primcessanne

    when is the united states going to admit that hermaphroditsim is caused by inbreeding and start the military police dealing with the problem? In 1984or85 a serial killer was found dumping thier bodies in a cave in southern Iowa. When the skeletized remains were examined they found inbreeding evident in thier bones. I was on a web-site about hermaphrodites and they’re still being treated like it not caused by inbreeding. In the dictionary the word hermpaohrodism is defined as a plant or an animal. Is this the united states attempt to hide the fact that they have an hermaphrodite infestation problem?

  • Primcessanne

    actually i need to ask a question. i know that each county is allowed only one set of colors for its patrol officers. our county is now trying to claim they are allowed two. the second set of colors thier using are security guard uniform colors. light blue, short sleeves with navy blue pants. in the early 1980″s security guard uniforms were standerdized because it was proven that serial rapists were trying to be hired by security guard companies whos uniforms  closely matched those of patrol officers. the article i read said they had only to lengthen the sleeves. can you clear this up.

  • Primcessanne

    actually i need to ask a question. i know that each county is allowed only one set of colors for its patrol officers. our county is now trying to claim they are allowed two. the second set of colors thier using are security guard uniform colors. light blue, short sleeves with navy blue pants. in the early 1980″s security guard uniforms were standerdized because it was proven that serial rapists were trying to be hired by security guard companies whos uniforms  closely matched those of patrol officers. the article i read said they had only to lengthen the sleeves. can you clear this up.

  • Joseph V.

    In the current (Sept. 2012) issue of Rd, a writer asked for your thoughts about being invited to a birthday party where the guests were expected to pay. You excused the behavior by blaming it on a well-meaning spouse who might be struggling in a difficult economy. That answer really troubled me, and I disagree completely. It is not excusable to ask for guests to pay to attend someone else’s party, unless it is something like a charity fundraiser. If times are tough, then don’t have a party. Take the birthday boy or girl out to a simple dinner, or have a cheaper party. The idea of asking people to pay for your fun is absolutely not ok. How do I know how much an event really costs? How do I know someone isn’t looking to make a few bucks? There is very little that can justify such an approach. This is just one more way for people not to deal with their situations and circumstances. It is difficult to imagine any justifiable reason to make people pay for the privilege of you or a loved one having fun at their expense.

  • deb gates

    Dear misunderstood mom,
    As long as the t-shirts your 16 year old wants to wear are not derogatory in any way and simply have a “heavy metal band” name on them then let her sport that look. Your daughter sounds very bright and you should listen to what she is really saying. Instead of misunderstood mom you should have signed this (closed minded mom) 

  • deb gates

    Dear misunderstood mom,
    As long as the t-shirts your 16 year old wants to wear are not derogatory in any way and simply have a “heavy metal band” name on them then let her sport that look. Your daughter sounds very bright and you should listen to what she is really saying. Instead of misunderstood mom you should have signed this (closed minded mom) 

  • Catholic mom

    The mom who won’t let her daughter wear Metallica t-shirts– but did let her son wear them– is being unfair.  I could understand if the mom had a general objection to the band. However, she risks alienating her daughter. Why does she object to Metallica images? Why is all right for a boy to wear that image, but not a girl? Have they had a conversation about the values (or lack thereof) in the band’s lyrics? I’ve raised four teenagers, and I believe in listening to lyrics and overall message. I’ve taught my kids to discern which bands are unacceptable to good values, and which are all right. We all end up enjoying some of the tamer ‘wild’ music, while rejecting hardcore bands with violent or drug-driven music. My kids are strong Christians, who in some ways, are more conservative about values than I am. The maxim I’ve taught them is: Are you in charge of it (liking the band) or is it in charge of you (changing who you are,deep down)? I’m very proud of my children and the choices they’re making.

  • Primcessanne

    actually with the inbreedng problem the united states has a few swear words arent the worst problem anyone could have.  heres one way to find out if your county is developing an inbreeding problem. if a family has more then one mentally retarded person in the family they are inbred. one mentally retarded person. that happens. but absolutely no more than one. 
    also in federal officers just found two schools that had teachers who were albinos, running prostitution rings out of the schools.

  • Primcessanne

    list of signs of inbreeding women with deep crevices in the backs of thier lower legs. men with four inch hips, club foot, u shaped mouth, women with small,small faces and large noses, men with white upper bodies and brown lower halfs, women with dark blonde hair and red hair on thier armpits and legs, pointed ears, horse faces,  

  • Stiltsgreen

    the united states goverment has  a list in it’s posession that lists 25 differant deformaties found amoung people who are guilty of imbreeding.  this list didn’t find it way to the U.S.Military until the 1950′s. It should be sent to every docter in the united states.

  • Grmaurer

    Ask Laskas/June 2012 – In answer to  ’Perplexed Youngster’: Being an elder myself, I am proud of you for using terms of respect in your daily life in this modern era. Courtesy and respect of elders is never outdated. The older people in your office may be trying to be less formal and make you feel at ease since you are the ‘youngster’ in your office environment.  If “sir” or “ma’am” is being used as a reply, try “No, thank you” or “Yes please” instead of Yes/No sir/ma’am. OR ask them the types of response they prefer from you.   Appreciative Elder, Imogene Maurer, League City, Texas  

  • Stiltsgreen

    the united states goverment exspects its citizens to report imbreeding to a federal agency.heres a suggestion. why don’t they compare census numbers with crime rates. the u.s. military found a inbreeding problem in marshall county,mn. that county had a population of less than 8500 people, but it had the same crime rate as philadelphia, pa. which  had a population of one and a half million people.

  • in need of marriage counseling

    Every time my wife and mother in law get in the same house it’s like I become public enemy no. 1, what can I do to prevent my wife from turning into the devil when my mil is around?

  • Carole J. Farrer

    In the October 2012 issue of Reader’s Digest, you missed the whole point in “Weighty Comments”:  The wife of her husband’s friend is probably suffering greatly from an eating disorder of some kind!  She’s either crying out for help and doesn’t know it, or she’s being terribly controlling and trying to get “Oversensitive” to join her in her eating disorder, believing she’s ‘helping” her new-found friend “understand” she has a weight problem herself, by putting everything she thinks she sees in “Oversensitive” in “I-messages”  Lots of luck – I really enjoy your column, and you usually give great advice.
    Peace, “A Fan”

  • Jcbernick

    was kent mcgowen granted parole

  • BarBKew

    In response to your December 2012 problem – the too-friendly male neighbor who stops by when her husband’s gone:

    Have a list of “excuses” handy. “I’d love to chat, but I’m on my way to an appointment” (then leave, to read a book in the park, or walk around the mall). Or “I have several important phone calls to make”. Keep doing this, & he should get the idea.

  • Karenwilson1955

    MY FIANCEE,44  VISITS MY NEIGHBOR AROUND THE SAME AGE WHEN HER HUSBAND AND I ARE AT WORK.HE IS ALWAYS FRIENDLY TO THEM BUT I DONT LIKE IT .WHAT SHOULD I DO?

  • Mesand1213

    The woman with the creepy visiting neighbor really needs to put her priorities in order. She is married. She needs to tell the guy she is not comfortable and if gets upset, oh well! If he continues, she needs to tell her husband and let him confront the man.

  • John MacDougall

    Response to the “friendly visitor” – December 2012 issue.
    What a great opportunity.  The next time the friendly creep shows up, greet him with a smile.  Let him know how happy you are to see him because you need someone to rake the yard or mow the lawn or clean out the septic traps or any of a list of unsavory chores. 
    By the way, shouldn’t you let your husband know about this situation?
    Territorial Husband
     
    John
    John MacDougall38 Ledgewood DriveHollis Center, Maine 04042-3239(207) 727-6137
    “Dum vivimus, vivamus”
     

  • Conniema

    I was just reading your December RD. I saw a part of “Give Your Best Advice” . it was interesting situation that always happen every day in every where. “My neighbor, a young man around the lady age, stops by when her husband is at work. He is very friendly, -almost too friendly, it’s getting creepy.”
    For my opinion is the lady just nice to tell him “Sorry, I have an appointment, I must to go now! unless she like him come again otherwise don’t say anything else! 

  • Bdr139

    Response to December 2012 issue: “Too Nice” … DO NOT let your young man neighbor in your door if your husband is not at home.  He knows this and he is either making a play for your affections or is a stalker in the making.  If he continues after you tell him not to come over any more, tell him that you will call his wife to come get him (if he’s married) or call the police.  There are harrassment charges or a restraining order of which you can avail yourself for your protection. A woman alone cannot be too careful these days.

                                                                                                              Signed:  Been There

  • Paula Hill

    We were given Radar for a reason.  We tell our children “If you get the icky feeling, leave and tell an adult”. Don’t let him in. Period.
    What about your reputation in the neighborhood?
    Is this the same woman that wants the deer crossing signs moved to a rural area?
    Paula in Fl

  • Joanne P Smith

    Suggestion to hairdresser question:  Tell her that while you enjoyed her talents for 20 years, you always like to try new things, appreciate a change and want to try out this different stylist for a while and see how you do. “It’s not personal, it is a way of living.”  Joanne P. Smith

  • Chris

    While I normally agree with, “Ask Laskas,” I am afraid I have to disagree with two of her responses in your January issue. For All Gifted Out, the woman who wanted to stop the gift exchange for their 20 year old kids. I think she should have had a conversation with the other mom and not just send a card out of the blue. Tacky! Then for Wallet Woes, the woman who couldn’t afford to keep up with her friends, who wanted to spend money on trips and eating out when she couldn’t afford it, I think she should be honest with her friends rather than do a 180 and have them wondering what she was doing. Honesty is always the best policy. I have three wonderful friends who also can’t always afford to eat out every month, but we have been doing it for over three years. Once in a while I buy each of them a gift card to the restaurant we are going to, I am able to afford it more than they are. They give me a rough time, but they know it comes from my heart.
    Common Sense Senior Citizen

  • Liliana

    I love Ask Laskas column, she is very witty and carefully when giving advice.

  • David Selck

    In regard to the “Words of Wisdom” person who receives photos from loved ones and is not sure what to do with them:   Make a photo album and turn it into a ‘coffee table’ book.   Leave room for the anual progression of each person as time goes on.  It will make for great conversation and reminiscing in the future.

  • Robertandcyndihern

    Advice about too many photos: get a digital photo frame and you can add photos easily using a scanner. Then you can enjoy all of the photos you receive all in one frame without any guilt! Cyndi Hern

  • ThomasEmmm

    I would say to Too Many Photos to go to the dollar store and buy a few cheap photo albums, place the photos in the and just leave them on the coffee table. That way they are out in the open and not cluttering up your shelves. If people ask where they are, just point at the albums. Thomas in Virginia

  • Elena Scoggin

    In the March 2013 issue, “Too Many Photos” wrote that they don’t know what to do with the photos sent to them by friends and relatives. “Too Many Photos” doesn’t want to offend anyone by not framing and displaying them all, but is at a loss as to any alternatives. I suggest that you buy a photo album and put the photographs in there-that way, you have a place to put them without taking up a lot of space or having to purchase a bunch of frames.

  • heather jjj johnson

    What to do with photos, get  a few lovely photo-books place the pictures of the family or friends there and put it on the coffee table when they come by. They will surly think your abscessed with them and stop sending you so many photos 

  • https://me.yahoo.com/a/tEyfC3g1t_kwL32tyqjXtX9VEVX0vIhC#09909 PGHazelwood

    to “too many photos” why not get a pretty photo album and perhaps have a section for each family or friend and make a notation under each photo such as” Jane and family on vacation at Sea World June 2011 ” Anna’s graduation May 2013′ (giving name of school).You may enjoy reviewing the album from time to time and family and friends would appreciate their pictures not stored in a box in a closet somewher.

  • Aleighcat

    This is my advice to the inquirer of  ”Too Many Photos” ;
    I, also, am the recipient of many extended family photos. While I cherish them all, I simply cannot display them all, so I only display family group photos and the rest go into photo albumns (or large recycled popcorn tins!) that I keep at the ready. My nieces’  give me photos of their children regularly, so they have their own family photo albumns, starting with wedding pictures. This may sound morbid, but I even have “Rememberance” albums that I keep funeral anouncements/obituaries in. Each page has a photo of the departed (in life), along with the funeral anouncement/obituary.  I think it will be appreciated for future generations of my family, maybe for the day when my great, great grandchildren will seek knowledge about their ancestors.

  • Robin

    All the photos that get sent to you from loved ones, don’t feel like you have to frame them. Get a nie photo album to put them all in and set it on the coffee table. 

  • Susan L. Hudson

    Dear Reader’s Digest, March 2013 edition, Ask Laskas,In response to GIVE YOUR BEST ADVICE/Too Many Photos: Place the photos in a nice photo album and prominently display it on the coffee table whenever your family and friends visit. They will enjoy seeing their children as they grew through the years and feel that you enjoy them too.Susan L. Hudson

  • Tld6391

    To Many Photos, here’s a simple way I get around that. I have a photo album that is for friends that give or send photos and one for reletives. I keep them handy for when I want to have them on display. Also if you are up to date with all our modern day tech. You can scan and use small  digital picture frames.
    TDunkin

  • Jan

    To “Too Many Photos,”
    Purchase a photo album in which to display photo gifts.  It can set on your coffee table or simply brought out from the den when friends or family visit.  Time viewing their photos together will honor their gift and the loved ones in the photo.
    Jan Shearer, Salem Oregon

  • Lindsay A Anders

    In the March issue of Reader’s Digest, there was a woman who was asking advice on whether she is obligated to frame all the photos she is sent from her family. I went to submit my response but it directed me to a different question. I looked for the original question but could not find it anywhere. So, here is my response to that woman- maybe it can somehow find her. There are many ways to put photos to good use. My personal favorite is buying a digital frame. Usually you can upload a large quantity of photos and it goes through them all even though it is only one frame. You could buy a large photo collage and add them as they are sent to you. You could create a scrapbook online so many photos fit in a small book that you could place on your bookshelf. You could rotate them out- even if it is as simple as keeping a few on your fridge and rotating them depending on who is visiting or the current season. Or, you could just keep them in a drawer somewhere and if it has been over a year and you have not done anything with them- you can throw them away. Of course, some photos will be more important than others- always scan those into your computer or upload those onto a website so they can be seen forever in case the actual photo somehow gets lost or destroyed. No matter what you decide, I’m sure your choice will make you and your family happy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lori.h.kingston Lori Hope Kingston

    To Too Many Photos:
    Get a bulletin board to hang near the front door, or wherever you open your mail, and display recently received photos there. As new ones come in, older photos can go into a photo album or scrapbook. Make sure you have a pencil handy for writing names and dates on the back, and do it when you receive the photos, so you don’t have to wrack your brain later! Then just choose a few favorites to frame and display permanently.

  • Linda

    In response to “Give Your Best Advice” in the March issue. Purchase a nice photo album or scrapbook. Place/display the pictures in the album and turn it into a “coffee table” book on permanent display.

  • Christine Irujo

    Advice to “Too many photos”: I have a collection of pictures on the side of my refrigerator (first thing anyone sees when they come into my kitchen from outside). I start it at Christmas time each year with all the photo Christmas cards. I add to the collection all year long with any photos that I get of family (school pictures, sports photos, vacation shots . . . ). I even put my own family’s Christmas photo up there so I can enjoy it all year too. Then the next Christmas they all come down and get filed away and the new year’s collection starts (having my own family photo in the group helps me place a time line on a group of photos quicker). Family and friends love to look at the photos as they come in to my house to see how other family members or friends families have changed.

  • marie c.

    FOR THE CO-WORKER WHO HUMS CONSTANTLY……..HUM LOUDER…WHEN THEY COMPLAIN..JUST SAY I’LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP…….(march 2013 issue)

  • Sandy Briggs

    Responding to the request in Laskas’ March column about what to do when loved ones send the person photos. My answer is to buy a loose leaf binder you can put pages in with sleeves for 4 x 6 photos or 5 x 7 photos or larger. When the photos come, put the name and date (age if possible) on back of photo with a special pen for writing on back of photos. This way you have the photos and can identify them years later. For years I have put the photos friends & relatives send us with Christmas cards in such albums and occasionally I enjoy looking at them.

    Sandy Briggs

  • http://www.facebook.com/michele.lesinski.3 Michele Lesinski

    In response to your March question about what to do with photos sent to you, I put them on the inside of a kitchen cabinet door. That way, I’m not throwing them away, and they’re not taking up a frame and display space.

  • Cyn57

    I have created a family fiasco and don’t know how to fix it. My husband and I founded and run a nonprofit riding therapy ranch on our 20 acre property and have a very large house. 2 years ago, my son spent 4mos in jail for a DUI and we felt it was necessary to bring his wife and 3 step children here to live with us, since they had nothing to live on and were being harrassed by an exhusband. When son got out of jail, we expected it would take a while to get back on his feet and we wanted to help them out. Now, 2yrs later, they consider themselves renters and do not contribute to any maintenance, yard work or anything else, but continue to mooch off of us. They have very little income, and do pay rent, but their ungrateful attitude is getting really old.
    Then, 7mos ago, we invited a young woman with special needs whom we’ve known for several years, to come live with us and be a part of the ranch as a ranch hand. At first she was very consciencious and did a good job, but now that she’s settled in, she acts more like a teen and will not take responsibilities seriously, plus she has begun to have health problems which makes it difficult for her to do the work she came to do.
    And finally, in March, we had to move my Mom and Dad into our home to help take care of them in their old age. I expected this eventually, but the time has arrived somewhat earlier than expected and now we have a house hold of 9, including 4 generations, 5 of which don’t pull their weight in chores and responsibilities. This cause us overwhelming stress, and the desire to run away from the situation, which we know we can’t do. But what CAN we do? Beginning to get desperate!
    Family Fiasco

  • Zuki

    I looked for a place to reply to a person about having to show photos when they are sent to her/him. They asked if they had to display them and zi say no, not if you didn’t ask for them. Even then you’re under no obligation to put them in frames and display them. i put mine on the inside of my kitchen cabinets with masking tape on back and then I can view them often but they’re not on display. Hope this helps…

  • Karl Drumm

    My “best Advice” To the Miffed Maid of the June issue: Relax . . . The wedding was for your friend, and it’s over. Let er live happily ever after.

  • Sandra

    This is a comment to the maid of honor in the June 2013 column: keep your mouth shut! Why bother the bride with this tediousness? If you’re reeling from the behavior of a drama queen, then you’re one, too!