1. I have my own family. Many of us have kids in other countries. We’d like to see them, but we need vacation time.
2. If your child bites me, don’t reward her. One parent actually said “Oh honey, are you hungry?” to her child while ignoring my bleeding face.
3. Don’t come home drunk or on drugs in the middle of the night, wake up your children to play with them, and then wake me up to put them back to bed. Don’t do drugs if you’re going to be around kids, period. And don’t wake me up in the middle of the night just because you’ve partied too hard to care for your own children.
4. Nannies from other cultures need orientation. Tell me which foods are fancy gourmet foods to be used sparingly and which are everyday foods. I kept eating up the best caviar and spitting it out in the trash, thinking it had gone bad.
5. We’re appalled when you feed your children junk. Seriously—give your kids a vegetable once in awhile! If you don’t keep junk food in your house, your kids can’t eat it. You can give them choices without destroying their health.
6. Don’t misrepresent yourself to an agency. If you don’t have an extra room for the nanny, say so. Don’t claim to have a bedroom and bathroom for her, and then ask her to sleep with your child.
7. Pay us well. Value your child a little more and cut corners elsewhere.
8. I am not paid enough to be a substitute parent for your child all the time. If you do not have the time or patience to raise a child, don’t have one.
9. Treat your nanny with respect and as an equal, and you will have a loyal friend for life. Most of us become lifelong friends of the babies we helped raise, as well as their parents.
Sources: Nannies or former nannies in Boston, New York, Seattle, Pennsylvania, and Los Angeles. (Including playwright Lisa Ramirez, whose off-Broadway play Exit Cuckoo deals with nannying, and an English nanny who worked for a Hollywood couple).
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.