Brothers Stephen and Wayne Miltz, creators of the popular crazythingsparentstext.com, recently published a book of hundreds of private text messages between parents and children. A selection of our favorites:
Mom: Love you, kiddo!
Me: Aw, thanks. Love you, too!
Mom: Sorry, wrong person
Me: Dad, my bank account has ten dollars in it!
Dad: Oh good, our plan to get you to contact us succeeded
Me: I was offered a job!
Dad: Accept it before they realize their mistake.
Dad: What is IDK?
Me: I don’t know.
Dad: Oh, do you know who does?
Dad: I just changed my password to “incorrect” so the computer just tells me when I forget.
Me: Lets eat dad
Dad: “Let’s eat Dad” or “Let’s eat, Dad.” Punctuation saves lives.
Me: I love you
Mom: I tolerate you
Mom: I think I keep getting messages or missed calls or something.
Me: From who?
Mom: Some woman called…Betty Low?
Me: Um, battery low?
Mom: Yeah, that’s it!
Me: What time are you picking me up?
Dad: Who is this?
Me: Your son.
Dad: How did you get this number?
Me: I programmed your phone, remember?
Dad: How do I delete people?
Mom: Your father is driving me crazy. When are you coming home?
Me: I’m out with friends so not till late. Sorry!
Mom: It’s OK. I put Ambien in his tea. He won’t be annoying me much longer.
Me: Can I borrow 50 bucks?
Mom: You don’t call to say hi, you didn’t call on my birthday. All you ever call for is money!
Me: 40 bucks?
Dad: Aren’t you supposed to be at school?
Me: Aren’t you supposed to be at work?
Dad: Touché …
Me: Happy 49th, Dad! I love you so much!
Dad: It’s 48! You ruined my day.
Mom: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I’m lonely.
Me: Isn’t Dad there?
Mom: Yes, but I like you more.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.