When my aunt offered us a mattress she no longer needed, my mother took it, saying, “Never look a gift mattress in the nose.” When I seemed to be pushing too hard and not getting enough sleep, she said, “Don’t bite the candle off at both ends.”
So I strive to accept, graciously, all that is given to me and to relax. After all, an apple a day never falls far from the tree.
Pete Nelson’s most recent novel is I Thought You Were Dead.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.