“I haven’t seen Otis all weekend,” she said. She seemed pretty unsettled.
Otis (the “first greeter”) was always excited to see everyone on their arrival. Now Mom was telling us he’d been gone all weekend? It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for him to take off for several hours but never several days, so we all headed out to find him.
I took off on foot, then decided that the car would be faster. I drove around the property, calling as loud as I could. I kept hoping Otis would come bounding and barking from behind a corner of somewhere.
I made another pass down the driveway, keeping my eyes on the underbrush. There it was—that golden head popping up in the brush. I slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car, and ran toward him.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.