I love my mother. I hate how she texts. Multiple exclamation points followed by rapid-fire texts that fill up my phone. And I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate the TMI texts I send that were meant for my friends. We all make text and Facebook mistakes. Here’s a list of what to watch out for before you send.
Your Facebook and Twitter updates and your texts are not as exciting as you think. Please tone them down. For more funny don’ts follow Fake AP Stylebook on Twitter.
Auto correct flubs
Check what you’ve written before you send. Auto correct can be funny, embarrassing, or very damaging. Funny if it’s your friend, embarrassing if it’s your mom, and damaging if it’s your boss. We are texting everyone these days. Check your work.
“Omg” and “lol” are OK in a pinch, but stop adding “rotfl,” “imho” and “smh” to everything. A few shorter words are great in text messages, where space is at a minimum, but stick with the English language in an e-mail. “Srsly.”
You and a colleague are complaining about your jobs when you decide to text another workmate about your gripe session. But, oops, the text goes to your boss. Please double check your recipient before firing off a tirade. If sensitive or choice information is being sent out, think before you hit send. It’s not coming back.
Too many back and forths
This happens frequently on Facebook posts: Two people completely unrelated to the image or original post topic having a conversation about, say, the upcoming weekend. Get a room, people!
Long text messages (or multi-fire text)
If you have to talk to someone about a great life-changing event, pick up the phone or write an e-mail. Rapid-fire texting is annoying, especially if the recipient is in a meeting and his phone keeps buzzing.
Commenting on the “single” post
Facebook is the new lunchroom. We all know when a relationship breaks up. What we do not have to do is comment and make everyone involved feel uncomfortable. Let some things go. A friend going from “married” to “single” is not your invitation to start cheering. Send your friend an e-mail if you want to know more.
“Liking” bad news
Everyone knows you mean to send support to a friend who posts about grandma’s death, but it looks creepy when you “like” the news. Write a condolence. Please don’t “like.”
We use our social networking accounts for many things. If you’re looking for a job, you’re probably on LinkedIn every day. Don’t plagiarize someone else’s job description. Write your own.
Tagging an unflattering picture
Use tact when posting images. Just because your camera can upload dozen of images instantaneously, doesn’t mean they need to be visible to the world.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.