1. The best candy is often at the bottom of the bowl.
2. After saying, “Trick or treat!” ask, “How many can I have?”
3. Third graders do not need flashlights.
4. After being handed a piece of candy, always look back in the bowl to see what you did not get.
5. Men don’t care what they’re handing out. Women give raisins.
6. The later you stay out, the better chance people will give you a handful of candy rather than just one piece; they don’t think they will have many more visitors.
7. Raid the candy bowl at your own house before you go trick-or-treating and again when you get home.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.