This Is the One Mental Trick You Need for Better Sex (Hint: It’s Not Tantra)

If your mind is racing or you’re sucking in your gut rather than focusing on your partner, perhaps you’re not getting or giving all you can between the sheets. Want to have better sex? Think about what makes your heartbeat race instead of your head. “By really focusing on what turns you on, that running monologue inside your head will turn off,” say experts Celeste Hirschman, MA, and Danielle Harel, PhD, authors of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. After all, it’s tough to concentrate on pleasure when your inner critic is harping on about your to-do list or berating you for not losing those extra five pounds. (Just make sure these medical conditions aren’t to blame for a lack of libido.)

Jacob Lund/shutterstock

“Our favorite mental trick to keep you in the mood and to help you overcome your insecurities and inhibitions during a sexual experience is to keep focused on what turns you on the most,” says Hirschman and Harel, who are also the creators of the experiential and cutting edge Somatica Method of Sex and Relationship Coaching. “Instead of trying to turn your mind off, which we all know is impossible, hone in on your biggest turn-ons in any situation. Your turn-on might be sensation-based, you can use your mind to connect with what your body is feeling.” (Here are some other tips and tricks to make sex great again.)

Of course, it’s not surprising that sex can be embarrassing and sometimes awkward, but letting your own insecurities get in the way of your passion can kill the mood for you and your partner. The mind-body connection is a vital part of sexual intimacy and arousal and takes a conscious effort. Try doing some simple yoga poses beforehand or taking a warm bath to calm your racing mind. Spice up your sex life by watching a sexy movie or going to a hotel. And cut yourself some slack—losing those extra five pounds are not the key to having better sex. It’s time to connect with your partner, get out of your head and into each other. (Did you know that 3 p.m. is the best time to have sex?)

“What makes sex hot for you may be the beautiful connection between you and your partner; look into their eyes or check them out and let your mind take in all of them,” advises Hirschman and Harel. “Or, it could be that you need to let your mind loop through some fantasies, helping you get more engrossed and aroused. Arousal makes you less self-conscious and more engaged, so let your mind be your biggest tool of arousal if you want to have better sex.”