Not long after, while babysitting my nephew, Dad found a copy of my proposal on my sister’s computer while checking his e-mail. My sister called me the next day, apologizing profusely for having left it open on her desktop but also warning me that things were about to blow up.
I didn’t hear from Dad for several days, and every hour that passed became freighted with more dread. For a couple of days, I thought we’d never speak again. When we finally did, it was a tense, emotional conversation. His voice was shaking. How could you think these things about me? You think I’m some kind of bigot? An ignorant redneck? I apologized profusely, nearly in tears.
Given the emotional opera of the election that year, the consequences of our differences felt more significant than ever. It pained me to hear him say that he thought the war in Iraq was justified, for instance, or that women didn’t have the right to choose. In my insular New York world, friends whose parents shared their liberal political views talked about my father the Republican like he had an unfortunate medical condition.
Something had to change in our relationship. I decided it was me.
I forced myself to pay closer attention to my father’s life. While he was occasionally bellicose in his rhetoric, in everyday life, he was a different person. Actually, he was probably the most open and tolerant person I knew, my supposedly tolerant friends included. He had a warm, southern hello for total strangers in my Brooklyn neighborhood, socialized with liberal retirees in his own North Carolina neighborhood, had a gay photographer friend in town with whom he traded camera tips, and spent every Wednesday delivering food to the housebound. It reminded me of the old adage: Liberals love humanity but dislike people; conservatives dislike humanity but love people.
Over time, my dad’s tolerance went from a confounding outlier (he’s a Republican, and he likes people!) to a more complex reality—and a personal challenge to my own biases. My dad forgave me for the things I wrote in the book proposal (the book was never published). It was a quiet and, to my mind, major act of love. If I couldn’t look past my own politics and extend a hand to my father now, who was less tolerant, he or I? And how important to the future of the United States of America was my winning an argument over taxes and deficits with my dad anyway? It was the man I wanted to have a relationship with, not his political agenda.
Bridging the divide required time and patience from both of us. We slowly began to migrate our conversations to new subjects, carefully finding topics that didn’t naturally lead us down the warpath: his interest in photography, the successes and trials of my sisters, home repair, raising children. It was awkward at first, but after a while, I began to look forward to talking about real estate values or the price of heating fuel. And when politics did crop up, as time went by, I noticed we both came to agree on something: that polarization, so corrosive to our own relationship, was corroding everything else as well. “I can’t stand to watch the constant partisan bickering anymore,” he told me recently.
So when that night on a South Carolina beach was threatened with a sudden squall of Rush Limbaugh, I took a deep breath and decided only to listen, not to fight. It’s not that I agreed with him. But I knew what was in his heart, and it wasn’t the Tea Party. Mid-sentence, my dad caught himself too. He took a deep breath, sighed. We both just listened to the surf, falling into a temporary spell. When we came to, we were standing in this glorious place, that moon overhead, the whole country at our backs. A father, a son, a real family—a better union.
Joe Hagan is a contributing editor for New York and Rolling Stone. He lives with
his family in Tivoli, New York.