What Your Marriage Counselor Doesn’t Want You to Know

If you knew these things, you wouldn’t need a marriage counselor, would you?

from Forbidden Advice

Couple Holding Hands© iStockphoto/Thinkstock

If you knew these things, you wouldn’t need a marriage counselor, would you? This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.

  • Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
  • A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
  • Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
  • Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
  • Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
  • There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
  • A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
  • Your Comments

    • Pony65

      I find it unconscionable that RD would reprint this article.

      Of COURSE your marriage counselor wants you to know these things – AND the “13 things…” linked/endorsed at the end of the article.

      Furthermore, no, you do not have to _fight_. Disagree? Of course. Argue? Politely. But you don’t fight to resolve issues. Work things out when both parties have had some time to cool off. Be respectful. And remember that sometimes, agreeing to disagree is a perfectly acceptable outcome.

    • Pony65

      I find it unconscionable that RD would reprint this article.

      Of COURSE your marriage counselor wants you to know these things – AND the “13 things…” linked/endorsed at the end of the article.

      Furthermore, no, you do not have to _fight_. Disagree? Of course. Argue? Politely. But you don’t fight to resolve issues. Work things out when both parties have had some time to cool off. Be respectful. And remember that sometimes, agreeing to disagree is a perfectly acceptable outcome.

    • BeenThereDoneThat

      When my wife gets cranky. I usually say lets cool off and speak later. I then go over my girlfriends house and have hot sex. I come home smiling and my wife smiles too becuase she thinks our disagreement is over. It works every time

    • Studly

      My marriage is great becuase my wife knows to obey. When I come home from work I enter the door and snap my fingers. My wife knows that dinner better be made and her bedroom skills better be up to par.

      • anjegirl

        Studly—–NOT—you are an insecure loser and your wife is either brainwashed or she is afraid of you, because you’re real sick and have threatened to kill her whole family if she leaves you, but either way, your wife hates you—and anyone as insecure as you are is NEVER GOOD IN THE BEDROOM or studly anywhere.

        • Yea ok

          She’s afraid of him…he’s threatened to kill her family???  Really???   Jeez…chill out girl…did you stop to think that he’s probably just a sarcastic #$%?

        • nunya

          Sounds like you get a monthly subscription of the N.O.W. newsletter.

    • http://www.apartmentlessons.com Analise

      My mom died at 79 and my daddy died three years earlier at 84 and none of their three kids ever saw them have an argument and that is something I have always been soooooooooooo proud of. And no, they didn’t hide it from us—-they did not argue. My mom grew up arguing with her father and daddy refused to continue that cycle into our lives, so when mom got cranky, daddy went to the barn or the helicopter hanger and tinker around until she calmed down and then he would come back in the house with a big grin on his face and hug my mom and say “let’s sit down and work this out and they did—NOW THAT IS SOME GOOD THERAPY FOLKS—No charge it’s a Christmas gift! Arguing causes an erosian of the soul and every little piece you lose cannot be gotten back

    • http://www.apartmentlessons.com Analise

      My mom died at 79 and my daddy died three years earlier at 84 and none of their three kids ever saw them have an argument and that is something I have always been soooooooooooo proud of. And no, they didn’t hide it from us—-they did not argue. My mom grew up arguing with her father and daddy refused to continue that cycle into our lives, so when mom got cranky, daddy went to the barn or the helicopter hanger and tinker around until she calmed down and then he would come back in the house with a big grin on his face and hug my mom and say “let’s sit down and work this out and they did—NOW THAT IS SOME GOOD THERAPY FOLKS—No charge it’s a Christmas gift! Arguing causes an erosian of the soul and every little piece you lose cannot be gotten back

    • Gibsonsdad

      Pure horse sh!t. Arguing is not necessary. I refuse to argue with my wife. We’re as happy as two pigs in sh!t.

    • Sarah, LMFT

      Why wouldn’t a marriage counselor want someone to know these things? This is exactly what marriage therapists teach in therapy. Arguing demonstrates continued investment. Most topics you argue about will never be “solved”; it’s important to address HOW you argue, not what you argue about. Partners that do not respect each other have a relationship that may be headed towards destruction; contempt and criticism signal future divorce. Knowing these things, however, does not preclude a couple from “needing a marriage counselor.” Most couples can benefit from a professional outsider’s support, knowledge, encouragement, and training. The title of this article is irresponsible and paints marriage therapists in a negative light. 

    • Sarah, LMFT

      Why wouldn’t a marriage counselor want someone to know these things? This is exactly what marriage therapists teach in therapy. Arguing demonstrates continued investment. Most topics you argue about will never be “solved”; it’s important to address HOW you argue, not what you argue about. Partners that do not respect each other have a relationship that may be headed towards destruction; contempt and criticism signal future divorce. Knowing these things, however, does not preclude a couple from “needing a marriage counselor.” Most couples can benefit from a professional outsider’s support, knowledge, encouragement, and training. The title of this article is irresponsible and paints marriage therapists in a negative light.