It doesn’t matter what you do for a living; it’s all sales. It’s making people feel good about doing business with you. You meet me. My voice is firm and sunny. I’m smiling. A smile is a primal thing, mighty past words.
1. The first thing I’m going to say is “Thanks for making time for me” [because] you don’t owe me squat.
2. The next thing I’m going to do is ask about you. I’m going to learn about you, and I’m going to learn from you.
3. I’m going to make you laugh. [We’re] just a planet full of folks—rich and poor alike—all hoping to get treated better than dirt. I can give them that gift. You can too.
-Published in Reader’s Digest, February 2011
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.