Loyalty is a big part of what my clients look for in an assistant. You cannot have someone in this position who doesn’t come with incredible recommendations, because she knows more about your investments than you do. She is managing your nannies or the people working on your house. You’re placing her in control of everything in your life.
My clients have ranged from Hollywood screenwriters to surgeons and entrepreneurs. Now I work for a famous writer in San Francisco. I carry my clients’ credit cards and purchase all sorts of things on their behalf. It’s normal for me to charge $6,000 or write a check for $400,000 and not even think about it. My boss and I will talk about holiday bonuses for the staff, and I’ll say, “How much did we give the housekeeper last year?” Later I’ll think, Oh my god, it’s crazy that that’s a normal thing for me to ask. The spending thing is more confusing for my family than for me.
I come home with these crazy experiences: I took a new $90,000 BMW out for a spin. My family is kind of like, “What is this life that you live?” My daughter will say, “Why did they get to go to London over spring break, and we went to Nana’s house?” But I think she understands the concept that these kids live a different life from the one we do. She also knows that they aren’t any happier than we are. In fact, I would say my clients are usually less happy than anyone I know in my income bracket.
Don’t get me wrong—I can see the perks of throwing money at something. But I’m never jealous of it. Ultimately, that ability doesn’t outweigh the benefit of having time with the people who love you for you, not because you’re famous.
My yearly salary is in the $80,000 to $125,000 range, plus health, retirement, and bonuses. My wife, who works in nonprofit to support homeless and low-income families, makes less. We always say we actually do the same job. But she does it for people with no money and no homes. I’ve worked for some people and felt like I was helping make the world a worse place. I felt guilty about that. A lot of my job is doing frivolous and superfluous tasks like “Oh, can you book the tickets to Dubai?” My wife and I feel that between her job and mine, it’s a comfortable equality for our family. She’s working to “save the people.” It evens out.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.