“Please fire me. Last week a coworker asked me, ‘What day is Black History Month?’”
“Please fire me. Our HR girl overheard me describing the plot of The Road to a coworker, you know, the book about survivors of nuclear Armageddon who are being chased across a deserted America by anarchist cannibals. She asked, ‘Was that based on a true story?’”
“Please fire me. My coworker eats Cocoa Krispies every day. Dry. Soon he’ll be by to spit bits of them at me when he speaks.”
“Please fire me. I just caught my old boss copying down my goals from last year’s review and noting them as his own for this year.”
“Please fire me. My team leader took a digital picture of everyone’s face and pasted it to an animal cutout. Now each employee is a different animal on the ‘productivity’ board. Whoever does the most work each week gets one step closer to the piece of meat that person’s animal likes to eat, which is glued to the other end of the poster. I’m the bison.”
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Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.