Two-thirds of the way through her treatment for colon cancer recently, my always-chipper cousin hit a bump in the road. No, she didn’t start to feel nauseous, or weak, or even sorry for herself. Her beloved blue-eyed cat had kidney problems, was losing weight, and had stopped eating. So she and her husband had to make the difficult decision to “send kitty to the sandbox in the sky.” Of all the difficult things she’d had to deal with lately, this was the one that got her down.

Larry Lachman, PsyD, isn’t surprised. And he ought to know. The clinical psychologist and author, based in La Jolla, California, is not only an expert on animal behavior and bereavement, but also has led cancer therapy groups and is a cancer survivor himself. He says that pets give us unconditional love, uninterrupted listening, and permission to touch—all things that sometimes change in our human companions when there’s a cancer diagnosis. “Cancer is still a stigmatized illness,” he says. “Friends and loved ones may distance themselves from the patient to get away from their own anxiety, so the person with cancer may feel alone, isolated, and depressed.”

Even for those who have the most supportive family and friends in the world, animals help people cope in a special way. And when a pet gets sick and dies, it’s normal to react with grief, Lachman says. “That’s enough to throw anyone’s game off.” The pet's death may also trigger painful memories of other losses and remind you of your own mortality. And having to make the decision to euthanize a beloved pet is especially torturous. Lachman had to make that decision twice: 11 years ago with his golden retriever, Fagan, who developed bone cancer just a few months before Lachman was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the unusually young age of 39, and then with his flat-coated retriever, Max, in 2006. “The death of a pet is no less real than the death of a person,” he says. “Pet owners go through similar bereavement reactions as people who are mourning the loss of a family member or friend.”

Larry Lachman with his beloved Max in 2004.

Dr. Larry Lachman’s Tips For Coping with the Loss of a Pet

• Allow yourself to feel your feelings, and resist any temptations to ignore them or stifle them with alcohol or drugs.
• Surround yourself with one or more support people who won't make light of your pet's death. Talk about it.
• Allow time to heal. Get sufficient rest and nutrition; grief is tiring.
• Consider joining a bereavement or pet loss group.
• You can post a memorial, join a chat room, and find lots of information on the web site of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement.
• The Humane Society of the United States website has more tips and links to help you find a pet loss hotline, a pet loss support group in your area, and how to prepare a memorial for your pet.
• Be prepared to experience sounds or sights around your home where you think you hear or see your pet. “The first week after my dog Max's death,” he explains, “I was constantly ‘seeing’ a black blur out of the corner of my eye, and found myself thinking I heard Max's collar; or was finding myself engaging in the well-rehearsed routine of getting ready to feed or walk him.” These experiences are normal and will subside over a few days or weeks.
• Some people experience their deceased pet re-appearing in their dreams. “I had several dreams where a miraculous cure was found and Max was brought back to life again,” Lachman recalls. Depending on your spiritual or religious beliefs, don't hesitate to acknowledge these experiences along with placing them in the appropriate context of your faith.

For more on coping with loss or chronic illness in humans or animals, go to DrLarryLachman.com.

A Great Read: The Cat Who Touched the World

If you’re a cat lover (or even if you’re not), you’ll love the new book Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World. You may have heard about Dewey, who was stuffed in the book return slot of the library in Spencer, Iowa, on a cold winter night in 1988. He won the hearts of the library staff who found him the next morning when he hobbled on his frostbitten feet to nuzzle them. Eventually the whole town fell for him, too, as he lived happily ever after in the library. When he died in 2006, his obituary made headlines nationwide. See the USA Today story, Dewey the Library Cat is Back on the Shelves, or buy the book on amazon.com.