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TwitThis8. Odd Policy
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card. "What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it" was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."
9. Awareness
Businesses must follow numerous rules and regulations laid down by government agencies. So maybe we shouldn't have been surprised by the memo from the county Department of Health Services. "The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month," it read. "It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees."
10. Conspiracy Theory
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband's sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.' "
11. Plush Passenger
During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Americans, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues with a name tag reading "Bear," General Schwarzkopf's nickname. As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section.
Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat here for you to sit next to your teddy bear."
12. Bureau of Irony
During our visit to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing in Washington, D.C., my family and I watched as hundreds of thousands of dollar bills were printed, inspected, cut and packaged for delivery to Federal Reserve Banks across the nation. Our guide told us that every year this facility alone printed millions of one-dollar bills. The tour ended in the gift shop, where we bought about $60 worth of souvenirs. As I handed the clerk a $100 traveler's check, he asked if I had anything smaller.
"Why?" I asked.
"Um, because I don't have enough change," he replied.
13. Reason for Leaving
Sadly, no one is safe from receiving the dreaded pink slip. Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes the question "Why did you leave your previous employment?" The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
14. Permission Granted
My friend's husband, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value, and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them. The reply he received read as follows: "Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first."
15. Safe House
Working on Capitol Hill, my husband was under constant pressure. After one late-night session, he came home exhausted and went straight to bed. When I turned out the light, he sat up in a panic. "Is everything okay in the house?" he asked.
"Yes, honey," I answered. "I locked the doors and turned down the heat."
"That's good," he said, lying back down, his eyelids heavy. "What about the Senate?"
16. TV Time
I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son while pregnant with my second. To kill some time, I began watching the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came home from work to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of the TV. "So that's what you do while I'm at work?" he said, smirking.
"I just happened to have it on," I lied.
The next evening we were watching President Bush's inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and waved to his cheering supporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy, he won the car!"
17. Government Green
I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners' lawyer got antsy.
"I don't like working with the government," the man said. "I'm not sure I'd even trust one of your checks."
"I wouldn't worry," I replied. "Not only do we print our own checks, we also print the money to back them up."
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