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North Dakota
What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.
Ohio
How do you know you're from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
Oklahoma
How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Oregon
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan,
"Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"
"They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."
Pennsylvania
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.
Rhode Island
See our funny Rhode Island cartoon.
South Carolina
While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore.
Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."
South Dakota
A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Tennessee
Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …
Texas
Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive."
Utah
An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.
"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.
"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."
"Well then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Vermont
What did the guy from Burlington say to the
Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, nice tan."
Virginia
See our funny Virginia cartoon.
Washington
In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
--Jeff Bezos
West Virginia
What is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish.
Wisconsin
Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard-"Boat for Sale."
"Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine."
"Yup," said Ole. "And they're boat for sale."
Wyoming
Why are cowboys' hats turned up on the sides? So that three people can fit in the pickup.
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