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What's the state of the states of the union? Let's see ... New Yorkers mock Southern drawls. Southerners don't cotton to West Coast hippies, who in turn can't understand why Midwesterners live so far from the ocean breeze. And Midwesterners? They wonder who could survive New York-the city that never sleeps. Yes, the U.S.A. is one big, happy dysfunctional family. And to prove there are no hard feelings, every state gets a handpicked potshot all its own.
Alabama
When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
"I'm not from this town," said the hero.
"Then," the reporter said, "it will say 'Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
"Actually," said the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'"
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"
Arizona
It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.
Arkansas
An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver asks, "'Bout what?"
California
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion's yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Colorado
How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.
Connecticut
What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.
Delaware
A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word."
Florida
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Georgia
How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree ..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House ..."
Hawaii
See our funny Hawaii cartoon.
Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.
Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."
--Richard Jeni
Indiana
See our funny Indiana cartoon.
Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.
Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.
Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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