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32. When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling out the back of it.He looked absolutely overwhelmed.
"Tell you what I'm going to do," Dad said to the technician. "I'm going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back."
--Dana Marisca
33. My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
--Catherine Burns
34. A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one. Recently, he had to replace the name Mary with Edna.
The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles' Creed. "Jesus Christ," they read from the preprinted program, "born of the Virgin Edna."
--Robin Greenspan
35. I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.
At the shop, I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
--Kate Kellogg
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36. My friend was flabbergasted. She'd read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation's smartest states.
"Can you believe that?" she fumed. "We're 47 out of 52!"
--Juan Gonzales
37. Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered. "I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said. "Offense or defense?"
--Mike Maloney
38. Strolling through town, I saw a road worker printing a sign that read "Raised Manhole Ahead." I pointed out that there were more like ten raised manholes. The sign, he assured me, would be changed.
Later that day, the sign was corrected. It now read "Raised Menhole Ahead."
--Minx McCloud
39. Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor's files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.
"How do you pronounce it?" she asked.
"Na-le-Y-ko," I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.
"That sounds real nice," she said, smiling.
"Yes, it is melodious," I agreed.
"So," she asked sweetly, "what part of Melodia is your family from?"
--Ann Nalywajko
40. These newspaper editors stand corrected. From The Silver City (New Mexico) Daily Press: "Due to technical difficulties, Tuesday's page 7 was inadvertently left out and replaced with Monday's page 7. Today, page 5 will feature Tuesday's front page, while page 6 will be the correct page 7 for Tuesday."
--Robin Shetler
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41. The local market has a bin where employees keep returned items. The bin is labeled "Spoils." I never thought much about it, until one afternoon I heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Victor to the spoils. Thank you."
--Chris Dejong
42. It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic. The doctor on duty was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for his dinner order. I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I realized the doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage.
"What kind of dressing do you want on that?" I shouted through the door.
"Ranch," he yelled back.
--Brenda Todd
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