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A
AwardOver the years, the Annals of Improbable Research has awarded its Ig Nobel Prize to some very real and very weird science. Here are some of the more notable recipients.
In Literature: The British Standards Institution, for its six-page specification of the proper way to make a cup of tea.
In Medicine: Americans George and Charlotte Blonsky, for inventing a device to aid women in childbirth—the woman is strapped to a circular table, and the table is then rotated at high speed.
In Technology: Awarded jointly to John Keogh of Australia for filing a patent for the wheel in 2001 and to the Australian patent office for granting it to him. --Selected by AIR editor Marc Abrahams
B
Barack Obama Quote“This is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel. He’s not used to saying the word day after mother.”
--President Obama on his chief of staff shortly before Mother’s Day
C
Comic I KnowCarl Reiner on Mel Brooks
I’ve known Mel since 1950, and to this day, I never know what crazy thing he’s going to say. When we both worked on Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows, I suggested to the writers that we do a historical news skit. To prove it could work, I turned to Mel out of the blue and said, “Here’s a man who was actually at the scene of the Crucifixion 2,000 years ago. Isn’t that true, sir?”
Without missing a beat, he answered, “Oh, boy.”
“And you knew Jesus?” I continued.
“Oh, sure. Thin boy, used to come into the store, never bought anything. Used to come in with 12 other guys. All they ever asked for was water.”
Once I asked the 2,000-year-old man, “What’s the difference between comedy and tragedy?”
He ad-libbed, “Tragedy is when I get a paper cut on my finger. Comedy is if you fall down an open manhole.”
I still see Mel almost every night, and if I’m bored, I just pose a question to the 2,000-year-old man, and he never ceases to amaze me.
--Film and TV legend Carl Reiner’s novel Just Desserts: A Novellelah goes on sale this month.
Kathy Griffin on Joan Rivers
Can we talk? Joan Rivers is fearless. Forget the jokes for a second—she’s a role model for women. She ran smack into sexism as that rare female headliner in the 1960s, but never let it keep her from attaining watercooler status.
Joan finds humor everywhere. She pokes fun at her own plastic surgery and even mocks her daughter, Melissa, for not posing nude in Playboy. Who didn’t watch Joan making fun of her pal—“Liz Taylor is so fat, she stands in front of her own microwave and screams, ‘Hurry up!’ ”—and think, Did she just say that? She did.
--Comedian and actress Kathy Griffin’s first book, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin, will be available this month.
An Older Garry Shandling on a Younger Garry Shandling
Putting together It’s Garry Shandling’s Show for a DVD box set, I watched the young star ramble on before the camera: “I met a girl at a barbecue. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, because her hair was on fire. All she talked about was herself. Everything was, ‘Help me. I’m on fire. Put me out.’ I said, ‘What about my needs?’ ” Since it was 22 years ago and he doesn’t look exactly like me, I had enough distance to think, This guy’s funny. Younger Garry was upbeat. Older Garry tells dour jokes like “I’m conservative on some things, liberal on others. I never burned a flag, but I never put one out.” Younger Garry also did a nice job emceeing the Emmys, but the awards got in the way. Older Garry would improve those shows by giving everyone an award when they walk in, then take them away—one by one—during the night.
-- The It’s Garry Shandling’s Show DVD box set goes on sale October 20.
D
DestinationsThe only thing better than a safe landing is a safe landing at an airport with these names:
Batman Airport (Turkey)
Useless Loop (Australia)
Moron Airport (Spain)
Eek Airport (Alaska)
Tsili Tsili Airport (Papua New Guinea)
--Chosen by Sam Baldwin and the travel site skyscanner.net
Discovery
“Scientists say they have found the missing link—a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries, which makes it the direct ancestor of today’s supermodel.”
--Craig Ferguson, on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
E
Emergency CallA distraught Scotswoman dialed 999 (the U.K.’s version of 911) after she bought a pet rabbit. She was inconsolable after discovering that the rabbit didn’t have floppy ears.
--Source: BBC News
Environmentalist
“I use far fewer calories than the average person. I am much more economically and environmentally sustainable. I exhale less carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. I use up less space. I have a little house.”
--Robert Reich in the New York Times Magazine, on the advantages of being short
Eureka Moment
“The United States has developed a weapon that destroys people but leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.”
--Jay Leno
F
FaceAfter blending the features of 20 top comics, researchers from the University of Stirling in Scotland have concluded that a round face, small forehead, wide nose, and feminine features are most likely to make us laugh. The comic who comes closest to fitting that description: Ricky Gervais, creator of the original, British series The Office. “All these years, I assumed my success as a comedian was due to my acute observations, expert directorial rendering, and consummate skills as a performer,” said Gervais. “Turns out, it’s because I’ve got a fat, girly face.”
--Source: Ananova
G
Government SafetyWhen facing an emergency, it’s good to know help is just a phone call away.
H
Hobby
Sports fantasy leagues are so popular that even a golf fantasy league didn’t kill off the phenomenon. Now there are fantasy celebrity leagues. Fafarazzi.com keeps tabs on how often celebrities appear in gossip blogs. Players collect points based on how Amy Winehousian their chosen celebrities act. The more catfights, divorces, and DUIs, the luckier they are!
Headlines
Stop the presses! Sometimes what’s on top of an article is the real story.
"Suspected Beer Thief Leaves Liquid Trail"
"Man Denies Stealing FBI Car: 'Just Here to Buy Cocaine'"
"Man Married, Sentenced on Same Day"
"Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
"Spay /Neuter Clinic for Low-Income Residents"
I
IncompetenceA gunman entered an Aurora, Indiana, convenience store and demanded all the money from the cash register. He then tied up the cashier and fled. That’s when he realized that he’d forgotten something: the money. He tried running back in, but by then, the door had automatically locked, with the bag of loot sitting tantalizingly on the safe.
--Source: Cincinnati Enquirer
Insult
“My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”
--Playwright David Mamet on Jeremy Piven after the actor quit his show Speed-the-Plow due to mercury poisoning, Piven claimed, caused by eating too much sushi
J
JusticeState lawmakers didn’t sit still after a neo-Nazi group adopted a stretch of highway in Springfield, Missouri. They added an amendment to a bill, renaming that portion of the road after a prominent leader. The neo-Nazis will now be paying for the upkeep of the Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Memorial Highway.
K
Kinship ArtifactsYou know even Ansel Adams had a few tucked away somewhere. He took one look at them and said, “I think I’ll go look at rocks in Yosemite.” If you’re feeling nostalgic for some mouth-open, nose-blowing, eye-blinking, cockeyed-smile, odd-dynamics family photos, then check out awkwardfamilyphotos.com.
--Photo selected by Michael Bender, cofounder of awkwardfamilyphotos.com
L
Livestock Haute CoutureSeeking a respite from shooting advertising campaigns, Australian photographer Julian Wolkenstein lit on another subject: horses. Specifically, horses modeling hair extensions, “pony pinup style,” as he calls it. But coming up with the idea was the easy part, of course. “The horses didn’t cope well with the lighting and direction,” Wolkenstein, 37, complains. “Each horse had four hours of grooming and styling before coming onto the set. Then they would shake their heads and we would have to re-dress them.”
M
Memos from HollywoodFrom: Studio Executive
To: Harold Ramis
(director of Caddy Shack, Groundhog Day, and Year One) Can you tone down the subtlety?
From: Network Standards and Practices Department
To: Judd Aptow (writer/director of Knocked Up and Funny People
Re: The Ben Stiller Show
You can't say "Santa sucks," You must be specific about what he is sucking. For example, you can say, "Santa sucks eggs."
From: Film Producer
To: Writer/Director
We need to be more sympathetic. Have him walk to pet store and stop to look at puppies and kittens.
From: NBC Executive
To: Gene Rodenberry, producer of Star Trek
Get rid of the guy with the pointy ears.
From: Film Investor
To: Marty Simmons (producer of Animal House and Vacation)
Matt your script reads, "As we open, an adorable little penguin struts down a quiet hallway." We checked out rental on a penguin and they are too expensive. The had a special on camels—we went with the camel
*Some names have been concealed because, well, these notes are embarrassing --Collected by Matty Simmons
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