From It's 7:35 on the Today show-the time reserved for big, national stories. (George Clooney isn't scheduled till later.) Ann Curry is speaking directly to the camera, her face friendly but concerned because her next guest just may be insane. "So," she asks her six million viewers, "is she an enlightened mom or a really bad one?"
The shot widens to reveal … me.
My son, Izzy, is by my side, stuffed with NBC's free cookies, both of us here because I'd recently left him, deliberately, in the first-floor handbag department of the Manhattan Bloomingdale's.
He was nine and had been begging me to please let him find his way home from someplace-anyplace-on the subway, by himself. After all, we live in New York City, and getting around by public transit is a basic part of life, like yelling at cabbies in the crosswalk. It's also a rite of passage, the first step toward feeling grown-up. So on that sunny Sunday, I gave him a subway map, a transit card, $20 for emergencies, and a couple of quarters in case he had to call me. (No, no cell phone. Nine-year-olds lose things.)
Despite a tiny twinge, however, I had no intention of losing him. New York today is as safe as it was in 1963, making it almost embarrassingly ungritty-but reassuring. So I waved goodbye and left in the other direction. After 45 minutes, he arrived home, far more tickled than your average commuter.
A few days later, I wrote about his adventure, or nonadventure, for my paper, the New York Sun. Little did I realize this would be the Subway Ride Heard Round the World.
Somehow the idea that a kid could navigate the city on his own, and that a mom would let him, was big news. Huge! It turned out the Today show interview was just the first of the day. After I dropped Izzy off at school, I sped up to MSNBC to talk about his ride again. When Fox News called, I turned around and grabbed him back out of school, and off we zoomed to Neil Cavuto. The segment got more feedback than the Bear Stearns bailout hearing.
Pretty soon, NPR was calling. Newsweek. The BBC. Malta. Bloggers were going crazy, so I started a blog, too, Free Range Kids, and letters came pouring in: "Bravo!" vs. "Why didn't child services come to your door?" Then came a call from the South China Morning Post: Izzy's story was perfect for Asia.
"But why?" I asked the reporter. "Isn't everyone there, like, outside together, riding bikes? Sort of the opposite of New York?"
Biking or not, she said, the people in China are much more fearful these days. They don't trust their neighbors the way they used to. They don't let their kids out as much. And that's when I finally realized why this was such a big story: Worldwide, we have become terrified for our children.
The things we did as kids without thinking twice-walking to a friend's house, playing in the park, staying out till the streetlights came on-have somehow morphed into acts of daring on a par with shark hunting in a hamburger suit.
One dad I spoke to won't allow his eight-year-old to play in his own driveway. Another suburban dad "lets" his 12-year-old walk the single block to her friend's house, so long as she calls him the second she arrives.
Even my best friend confided that when she and her own 12-year-old split up at the mall for the few minutes it takes to grab food from separate food-court restaurants, she's "nervous the whole time." My friend was a Harvard math major, so she is perfectly aware of probability and statistics and that the odds of anything bad happening to her daughter are tiny.
Doesn't matter. "I'm comfortable being nervous," she said.
Fear is hardly a new parental emotion, of course. It has kept us Homo sapiens cleverly running and hiding for millennia, and I certainly have my share of it ("Stop! That stick is way too short for toasting your marshmallow!"). But the fear of letting our children out of sight for even a second-that's new. And it feeds not only on legitimate angst but also on a steady diet of peer pressure. "Powerful cultural pressures incite parents to regard every childhood experience from the standpoint of the worst possible outcome," says Paranoid Parenting author Frank Furedi. "To do otherwise is to be seen as an 'irresponsible parent.'"
And so I receive an e-mail about a father who's contemplating following his daughter's field trip to make sure she's safe, even as a mom in an upscale Atlanta community admits that she won't let her daughter go to the mailbox alone because in her quiet suburban neighborhood, there would be no witnesses if someone were to snatch her daughter.
The upshot: Drive through most suburban streets and it's as if the kids have been vacuumed up with the lawn trimmings. How did this happen? How did it become too scary to let kids be kids?
"TV," says Trevor Butterworth, an editor at the media watchdog group stats.org. "Cable TV exists to scare the pants off you." That's how it gets you to stay tuned. And what is scarier than a kidnapped kid-no matter how far away?
Thanks to a steady stream of those stories, it starts to feel as if kidnappings are happening all the time, on a Schwinn near you. But they're not, says David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. "Crimes against kids are down to levels we haven't seen since the early '70s."
"'Stranger danger' cases are the ones that make the big headlines," says Corwin Ritchie, executive director of the Iowa County Attorneys Association. "But that's not the typical child-abuse case. The typical case involves an acquaintance of the child."
The fact is, children are 40 times more likely to die in a car accident, and that doesn't stop us from driving them to karate. Car accidents, after all, are still considered exactly that-accidents. But we blame parents, the way we used to blame rape victims, for "letting" anything happen to their children. If tragedy ever befell our child, we wouldn't just be heartbroken. We all know we'd be there on CNN with a pseudo- sympathetic host asking, "Why? Why did you let her scooter to her piano lesson?" And then they'd cut to a commercial to build the tension.
That's why the kid-on-the-subway story struck people so profoundly. Here was a mom on TV saying what a million other newscasts never do: Kids can leave the home without a police detail and survive!
Izzy probably put it best. Like all of us who'd grown up with the freedom to play tag, fall off the monkey bars, and chase the mosquito spray truck, he didn't think it was a big deal. "It was fun," he said. Plus, being on national TV meant that he missed math class. Sometimes it really pays to be brave.
no way!! if ever i will have a child, I will not let him/her go alone because thats too scary. maybe what happen to that kid is just pure luck but we never know what is going to happen without adult supervision. the world is soo big.
I am absolutely impressed. I mean, I'm a father in Metro Manila, Philippines and though I have never been to New York, I know people who've been there, including the present Consul General of the Philippine Consulate who is a fraternity brother. It can indeed be pretty scary. But children are smarter than we think, aren't they? I notice that in my son. At around three years old, he knew which door of the hotel floor to open and I said, how on earth did he do that?
At age 9 I was riding my bike on the shoulder of the highway heading to the library. I walked to school across a 4 lane highway. I'm just fine for it. My son now walks that same highway to the library. We live in a bubble-wrap society these days, and it's sad to see kids too scared to walk to the corner alone. These kids will be leading our country some day...Heaven help us.
As a Mom of 3, ages 18, 13, 10, I have taught my kids "self sufficiency" since they were able to walk. I see nothing wrong with what this parent did. She knows her child. I see too many "velcro kids" out there clinging to their parents. News flash for those parents, they're still going to be clinging well up into their 20's and 30's.. You're raising scared and lazy children.
Way to go! Teaching your children to get around and be self sufficient, teaching them to be aware of their surroundings, you're gonna have one well-adjusted young adult who will not be dependent the parents or anyone else when he/she is an adult. How many of you complaining "parents" know how to use public transportation yourself??? All you "helicopter parents" are going to reap the "rewards" of your parenting skills when your adult children are still sitting on your sofa waiting to be searved
Times have changed, no matter how you try to sugar coat your son's experience. I have 5 children ages 5 - 15 and my 15 year old is the only one who can walk 3 blocks by herself to catch her school bus in the morning and walk 3 blocks back home. Even she is not safe as 3 grown men tried to seduce her into their car one morning. Thank God for good neighbors who watch out for my daughter. And like the other woman commented, if a pedophile had grabbed your son, you would be singing another song!
There was a report where I live of an attempted kidnapping by a woman putting on a lone ranger mask on before approaching a child. After a week, it was only a child's imagination probably fueled by a parent teaching them the over-blown fear to avoid strangers. Most children on those Have You Seen Me postcards are pictured with an estranged parent. About 90% of people ignore evaluating the chances of something really happening and go from their emotions. 50 years ago a study of what peo
It is natural for parents to want to protect their children, no matter how old they are. I am a slightly handicapped adult that has to stay aware of my surroundings for my own safety but also get odd looks from some parents that view all strangers as dangerous. This is part of a trend to create fearful children that grow into fearful adults. There are other issues related to this fear such as efforts by some to raise restrictions instead of teaching better decision making skil
I grew up in an urban neighborhood with a very old fashioned mom and dad. I was still allowed to ride my bike to school and the local grocery store almost 10 city blocks away at the age of 8 or 9. Educate your children in what to do if they do get lost and who they can trust and then give them some room to learn what freedom is. I love my kids enough to empower them. I'd like them to know common sense, and I don't think knowing how to get home on your own is a bad thing.
Interesting to read her interpretation, but 9 years old, remains in my opinion too young to be negotiating the city alone. 2 kids together, maybe. Had anything happened, God forbid, you would be singing a different song. I'd like to hear John Walsh's opinion from America's Most Wanted. Paranoid? No, I don't think so. A child has parents for a reason and 9 is closer to being an embryo than say 21.
As a mom of 2 boys, ages 12 and 8, I totally agree that today's parents are past overly-protective. I am the neighborhood pariah because I let my boys play outside by themselves. They walk to and from the neighborhood pool which is about 3/4 mile away. My question for the author is this: if I KNOW what my neighbors think about me, why were you surprised at the reactions YOU got? C'mon! You were surprised? Or did you only act surprised for the publicity it would get your career?
As a new parent I only worry about where we currently live. In a nice neighborhood, I would absolutely let the kids run free, just like I did when I was a kid. I would disappear for hours on end, and my mother never worried. My wife on the other hand grew up sheltered, so she's the one that worries more about the kids. Perhaps our own upbringing that has contributed to continued sheltering of our kids. We need to teach them how to be safe, not scare them inside.
I'm 31 and don't have kids but I'm watching my friends kids grow up being carried and coddled to death...the next generation is going to be fatter, stupider, lazier and wussier than ever. And its YOUR FAULT!! Let your kids GO OUTSIDE!! I applaud this mom...it takes guts to do something like this nowadays. When i was 8 I went ALONE from my town to NYC by plane and lived to tell about it...more kids need this.
The world isn't so different than the past. The problem is somehow we belive that time was magic, we just had a relationship with everyone so we could instantly could trust them. The best advice I could give anymore is go outside. Really meet your neighbors. Hold a block party. Spending the free part of your day watching television or staying on the internet for long periods of time is not going to make this a better place.
Thank you, Lenore, for letting this entire conversation continue. When I was a child (the '70s) my parents gave us the freedom to play. All the parents in the neighborhoods did. You know what? We skinned our knees, some of us got bullied, etc. However, we had experiences that no one can put a price on: we learned how to make decisions, who to trust (or not trust), and when to ask for help. America, turn off your tv. Children of brave, loving parents become well-adjusted adults.
I was born in the 50's, when times were simple and you could trust people; those times are long gone. We can teach our children and grandchildren independence without putting them in harm's way. How many times do you hear of someone being hurt or killed because they were an innocent bystander in the wrong place at the wrong time? Sending a child on a NY subway alone is like throwing them to the wolves. I highly question the author's judgement. Grandma in Texas
My kids aren't allowed to leave the house unless I'm taking them to the mall. They're doing fine so far, other than the fact that they're a couple of little porkers. FilthyRichmond.com
Wow, that is like way cool. Good for him! www.privacy.es.tc
I am 36 now and 24 years ago (yes I was 12) my parents dropped me off at Hartsfield International and I flew from Atlanta to Frankfurt, changed planes to Helsinki and took the bus 2 hours north to my grandmothers house. Then two months later I made the same trip back.... we are in the process of raising a world full of feckless adults that have no skill sets other than to sms and play ps3. Alex
Neglected child means a child less than age 18 whose physical, mental, or emotional condition has been impaired or is in imminent danger of becoming impaired as a result of the failure of his or her parent or other person legally responsible for his or her care to exercise a minimum degree of care:In providing the child with proper supervision or guardianship. NY Soc.Serv.Law section 371....Candy used to be a nickel, too, lady.