Ask Laskas: Is Ex-Husband's Request Inappropriate?

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Jeanne Marie Laskas has answers.

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Question
My ex-husband and the woman he had an affair with are getting married. He has asked our 23-year-old daughter to stand up for the “other woman” during the ceremony. My daughter isn't even sure she'll be able to sit through the ceremony, much less stand at the altar on the bride's side. Isn't his request inappropriate under the circumstances?
-- Bitter

Dear Bitter,
It seems unreasonable to me. But then, I'm as immaterial to this discussion as you are. The fact is, your daughter's struggles are between her and her dad. Your challenge as her mother is to encourage her to talk all this over with her father, not you. And then support your daughter no matter what she decides. Added difficulty: Be careful not to infect her with your bitterness.

Question
My wife's family grosses me out. At dinner, they'll grab food off my plate, sip soup directly from the serving ladle, and drag their fingers across the cake to get at the icing. I've told my wife that I've had it-I'm never eating with them again. Now she's upset with me. How do I solve my table trauma?
-- Fed Up

Dear Fed,
Sounds like you've lost all appetite for the in-laws, and I don't blame you. Problem is, you're stuck with them. Explain to your wife why they disgust you. Give a demonstration, but keep it light and be understanding-they are her family, after all. Then cut a deal: One dinner with the oinkers equals one annoying event she has to endure. Get creative. For the price of one unpleasant Thanksgiving dinner, you might buy yourself a tailgate party.

Question
I play three instruments, and my lessons are very important to me. But my mom is always late getting me to them. She's never ready on time. And she yells at me if I tell her to hurry up. Then of course she shows up 20 minutes late to pick me up after my lesson. How can I get her up to speed?
-- Clock-Watcher

Dear Clock,
Okay, listen: Your mom is sick of driving you around. Her late show is almost certainly an expression of resentment. Scolding her for being a bad chauffeur is only going to make matters worse. Get her up to speed by showering her with appreciation. Do something special as a thank-you: Wash the dishes, throw in a load of laundry, finish an odd job around the house that will help lighten her load. Small acts of kindness work wonders.

Life's Little Etiquette Conundrums

Question
We live quite a ways from my parents and rarely get to see them. When we do visit, my siblings and their families, who live nearby, all congregate at my folks' house, leaving my children with no one-on-one time with their grandparents. Plus, the full house stresses my father and exhausts my mother. How can we tell my brothers and sisters, "We love you, but we don't want to see you for a few days?"
-- Out-of-Towner

Dear Towner,
I hear you! After years of angst, this is what my family does now: We arrive a day early for a special evening with just my gang and my parents. My girls get Grandma and Grandpa's undivided attention, and the next day, the stressful, exhausting, wonderful chaos begins. See if your parents will do the same.

Question
A recent work-performance appraisal noted that I had exceeded expectations. So when a better job opened up, naturally I expected to land it. I didn't. Reason given: no college degree. But that didn't stop another worker from getting the promotion. This seems like blatant favoritism. Should I make a stink?
-- Overlooked

Dear Overlooked,
Favoritism? Well, yeah, they favored someone else for the job. Stinky for you, of course, but nothing here merits stink-making. Go to your boss and make your case that you have the stuff for a promotion. Then perform brilliantly and consistently. Give them every reason to never overlook you again.

Life's Little Etiquette Conundrums
Your sinuses are more blocked than the New Jersey Turnpike on a Sunday evening in summer. Do you go ahead and blow your nose in public, or do you excuse yourself and seek out privacy in order to discreetly clear out the schnozzle?

As much as possible, heed the Golden Rule: Do unto others and all that. Do you enjoy being in the presence of a noisy nose blower? No, you don't. So spare the public whenever and wherever possible, and find a private place to honk.