1. I spent a couple of decades being the leading lady; now I have a character role. It hurts to be downsized.
2. I know he's your husband now, but he's still my son.
3. You don't seem very confident about yourself. The littlest comment from me is taken as a criticism, so I'm very careful what I say around you. 4. Every year, I send you a birthday present, but you never even pick up the phone to thank me. This year, I said, "That's it. No more." Yet look at me: I'm about to send another present. I guess that's how I am.
5. We mothers say to our children, "I want you to be happy." And we mean that. What we don't say is, "But I would like to be happy too."
6. I've bought and sold 13 houses in my life. Why won't you ask for my advice?
7. When I visit you, I'm not coming for a white-glove inspection. I'm just coming to see the family.
8. When I really want to talk to my son privately, I don't call your house. I call his cell phone.
9. I'm so happy that you allow my son—your husband—to visit me on Mother's Day. It's a long trip and a big expense. I'm truly appreciative.
10. My dirty little secret: I'm afraid that if I don't get this right, you'll cut me off.
11. I'm in competition with your mother. She takes you on vacations every year and buys things I can't afford. All I can do is love you and babysit for you. I hope that's enough and that it's appreciated.
12. Whenever I stay at your house, you always have my room ready, my towels, everything. You do all the right things. I'm lucky to have you!
13. I cherish the refrigerator magnet you gave me: "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."
Sources: Susan Abel Lieberman, PhD (The Mother-in-Law's Manual), Jane Angelich (What's a Mother [in-Law] to Do?), and anonymous mothers-in-law in four states.
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13 Things Your Mother-in-Law Won't Tell You
Build a better relationship with his mother by remembering these things she'd like to say but won't (you hope!)
By Maureen Mackey
From Reader's Digest
call on your birthday, but you don’t bother to acknowledge even your own son’s birthday. (or the grandson who shares YOUR birthday). 5. We want you to be happy, but you don’t seem to want it for yourself. Attitude is everything. 6. When your son gives you financial advice, he is NOT trying to take advantage of you. He has studied extensively in this area and is very knowledgeable. 7. When we come to visit you, please at least turn the TV off and talk to us. 8. If you don’t understand something I say, ask for clarification, don’t just spread your misconceptions around the family. 9. Your son would rarely think to call you . When he does, usually it is because I have suggested it. And when he calls you to tell you that your newborn grandson has to have emergency surgery and may not survive the day, he does not want to hear about how hard YOUR life is. Maybe if you stopped talking long enough to listen to him, he would think to call more often. 10. You are a very wise lady, you know a lot of things that I don’t. I would love to be able to come along side you and learn from you. How can I learn to cook like my husband’s mom if you won’t teach me? I understand that I do have a lot of control in how close of a relationship you have with your son and grand children, and no matter how much I feel snubbed by you, you will always be his mother and their grandmother, so I will do all I can to nurture that relationship. 11. We spend more time with my family, not because they have more money than you do. (they are both living off of Social Security and retirement) but they call us, visit us, remember our birthdays and have accepted your son as their own. 12. When we visit you, we have to ask you to smoke outside because the children have asthma. We are not trying to be rude and if you wish, we can get a hotel room, but it’s very expensive and would cut down on the number of times we can visit. 13. I cherish even the small gifts you have given us. We put the glass Nativity set you gave us out each year and it is part of our Christmas tradition. It is very kind of you to send us money, however we would rather you either call, send cards or simple gifts. We don’t want your money, we want you.
What your Daughter in Law won’t tell you. 1. You spent a couple of decades being his leading lady, just because he is married, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t need you in his life. 2. I know he’s my husband, but he’s still your son. 3. You don’t seem very confident about yourself. We love and respect you, but we have to be so careful about what we say around you or you take it as criticism. 4. Every year, we send you birthday cards, or call on your birthday, but you don’t bother to acknowledge even your own son’s birthday. (or the grandson who shares YOUR birthday). 5. We want you to be happy, but you don’t seem to want it for yourself. Attitude is everything. 6. When your son gives you financial advice, he is NOT trying to take advantage of you. He has studied extensively in this area and is very knowledgeable. 7. When we come to visit you, please at least turn the TV off and talk to us. 8. If you don’t understand something I say, ask for clarification, don’t just spread your misconceptions around the family. 9. Your son would rarely think to call you . When he does, usually it is because I have suggested it. And when he calls you to tell you that your newborn grandson has to have emergency surgery and may not survive the day, he does not want to hear about how hard YOUR life is. Maybe if you stopped talking long enough to listen to him, he would think to call more often. 10. You are a very wise lady, you know a lot of things that I don’t. I would love to be able to come along side you and learn from you. How can I learn to cook like my husband’s mom if you won’t teach me? I understand that I do have a lot of control in how close of a relationship you have with your son and grand children, and no matter how much I feel snubbed by you, you will always be his mother and their grandmother, so I will do all I can to nurture that relationship. 11. We spend more time with my family, not because they have more money than you do. (they are both living off of Social Security and retirement) but they call us, visit us, remember our birthdays and have accepted your son as their own. 12. When we visit you, we have to ask you to smoke outside because the children have asthma. We are not trying to be rude and if you wish, we can get a hotel room, but it’s very expensive and would cut down on the number of times we can visit. 13. I cherish even the small gifts you have given us. We put the glass Nativity set you gave us out each year and it is part of our Christmas tradition. It is very kind of you to send us money, however we would rather you either call, send cards or simple gifts. We don’t want your money, we want you.
This is a list of false assumptions..the authors must have control issues and a high degree of insecurity to approach a relationship with their child's spouse with such competitiveness. Their defensive stance would be a killer. How is item #12 on a list necessary to "remembering these things she'd like to say but won't (you hope!)". Why would anyone hesitate to express their appreciation? Or why would you not hope for a thankyou? As a mominlaw and a daughterinlaw, my list (if asked)is different!
I wish my MIL would keep her big mouth shut and only think those things. She says whatever comes into her head. The good, the bad, and the ugly ("I hate my granddaughter's name." )
Why is it that whenever we talk about mothers-in-law it's automatically assumed that it's the groom's mother VS the bride? The groom is also gaining a mother-in-law you know. I think this article is sexist.
My son and I had a close relationship and now we have none. I can do nothing right compared to her mother. He never critized me before he got married but now I have slammed for 10 years because I am not like her mother. We always spoke our opinions, now I am not allowed to have any and if I do, he runs straight to his wife. They take her mother on expensive vacations every year and she works for my son but then he tells me I do nothing for him. It hurts to be told you don't do anything right.