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My father's method of accounting for the hundreds of cattle on his ranch was very unique. Every spring, he would move the herd down a long ramp, through a wooden gate and into a holding pen for inspection. As each animal entered the pen, he marked the count on the gate. One summer, he went to the bank to apply for a loan, using his cattle for collateral. The bank officer asked to see his records. "No problem," replied Dad. He went back to the ranch, took the gate off its hinges and brought it to the bank. Dad got the loan.
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On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."
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There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.
"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
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Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
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One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She'll know who sent them."
The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."
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Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."
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Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up--until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."
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As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.
My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, "Can you believe the price of bananas?"
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During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending the Cheat River Festival in West Virginia. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on. Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction. As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
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My father was the presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with tax evasion. As the defendant stood before him alone, Dad asked if he had counsel. Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus Christ is my counselor and defender."
My father nodded slowly while framing his next question, which was, "Do you have local counsel?"
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