From The Challenges
Every marriage has perpetual issues -- conflicts based on personality differences or lifestyle differences that never go away. Common examples include how much intimacy there should be in a marriage, as well as disagreements over money and household chores. But as longtime marriage therapists, we've found that partners can live peacefully with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in an open, productive way.Katie, for example, is a mother of three young children who also works part-time as a biochemist. So she understands how compelling her husband, Sam, finds his job as a scientist for a biotech firm near their home in Minneapolis. But she wants more of his attention. After they put the kids to bed, he often disappears into his basement office until the wee hours of the morning. She'd like him to come to bed with her and cuddle.
Whatever happened to the passionate guy who wrote love letters early on in their courtship, the guy who spent weeks at a time with her touring exotic locations when she worked for the Peace Corps? Why can't Sam understand that even after three kids and ten years of marriage, Katie still craves romance? Sam, for his part, thinks Katie doesn't appreciate how hard he works for the family's benefit. All he gets from her, he feels, are demands and criticism.
In the case of Kevin and Suzanne, a Boston couple, "It's like we're not a team anymore," says Kevin, 42. So what's come between him and his wife? "The bills," he says. Childless by choice, the couple makes a decent living, Kevin as a paralegal, Suzanne as a speech therapist. But for years, Kevin's been trying to convince himself -- and Suzanne -- that if they could just make more money and spend less, maybe he wouldn't feel so hopeless and tired all the time.
"When Kevin feels he's not making enough money, he retreats," Suzanne explains. He spends a lot of time alone and becomes increasingly irritable with her, she says.
And Mike and Maria, from Southern California, are exhausted. They've endured a litany of stressful events over the last several years. Mike, 43, has had surgery for a heart defect, and Maria, 39, lost her sister to a complicated illness just six weeks before the couple's 18-month-old daughter, Tess, was born. Now Mike is running a new restaurant and Maria has a demanding job as an officer for a financial-services company.
They also have serious health concerns. Each has gained more than 50 pounds over the last few years, and they both have snoring problems -- no wonder they've been feeling tired and unattractive. They're sleeping in separate rooms and have lost interest in romance. In fact, they haven't even had sex in months.
Sex vs. romance is often a barometer of other issues in a marriage -- issues like changes brought on by a new baby, retirement or other life-altering events. But small positive behaviors between couples, frequently repeated, can strengthen a marriage's intimacy and make a big difference in its long-term success.
A husband, for example, may learn to ask his wife more questions about how she's feeling. A wife may learn to express more appreciation for the work her husband's doing. A couple might stop and take a break to calm down when they're having a heated discussion. Or they might delve deeper into their conversations, sharing their hopes and dreams.
Other surprisingly simple gestures that can help ease conflict: turning toward a partner for an emotional connection through a question, a smile or a hug. This demonstrates engagement and openness, whether a couple is in a distressed relationship or wants to make a strong marriage even better.
From Distance to Renewed Passion
In the case of Sam and Katie, the couple from Minneapolis, Sam would like his wife to understand that when he's grappling with a problem at work, it's hard for him to just "turn his brain off" and focus on the family. If he's going to relax, he needs more downtime, more solitude, he says. Katie's request for attention makes him want to withdraw even more.
What they can do instead is state their needs without blaming each other, and share how they feel without criticizing. "When I don't feel criticized, I want to give you what you need," Sam tells Katie during a counseling session.
A year later, Sam is still working long hours and Katie still wishes he wouldn't. But what's changed between them is their willingness to accept their differences and improve their skills at solving problems that result.
"I now make a conscious effort not to give him a hard time about it, because that's what he wants to do," Katie says. Sam, in turn, appreciates the changes in her.
"The criticism isn't there anymore, and that's made a huge difference to me." He also sees his wife's needs from a new perspective. "Before, when she'd ask me not to work, I felt like she was attacking me. Now I'm more likely to take a breath and remember that she just wants to be with me. She's just asking for some time."
As a result, Sam is less defensive and more willing to do what Katie's asking. And yes -- that means there's passion back in their marriage again.
Editor's note: Couples' names are changed for privacy.
From Money Worries to New Connections
A sense of connection, meanwhile, has been eluding Kevin and Suzanne, the couple from Boston. As a short-term fix, Kevin says solitude makes him feel better. "But quickly things start to back up on me," he admits. "My productivity goes down. And I get angry -- at the dog, at the cats and at Suzanne." His moodiness makes it difficult for Suzanne to engage with him, which further isolates them.Depression can be like a third party that comes between couples and creates a sense of hopelessness. So the first step for this couple is to acknowledge that Kevin's dark moods -- a symptom of depression -- are one source of their problem. He needs to see a doctor and discuss medication and counseling.
Suzanne finally understands why Kevin's been so distant. And she shows her love for him with interested questions and compassionate responses. One year later, Kevin has started treatment, including antidepressants. As the sadness and lethargy start to lift, he feels motivated to become more physically active and joins a gym. After about six months, he finds he no longer needs the medication to keep his spirits up.
Today he has more energy than he's had in years. He's enjoying his job and has taken up the guitar, something he set aside years ago. He recently bought a new guitar, a purchase that would have seemed frivolous before. With this new, more liberal attitude toward spending, he and Suzanne have fewer arguments about finances.
With Kevin less withdrawn and both partners showing fresh interest in each other, this couple is on the road to a much happier marriage.
From Crisis to Balance
Mike and Maria have just had a baby, started new jobs, and survived Mike's surgery. They've also been grieving for Maria's sister. Individually, huge events like these can take a toll on any marriage. Happening all at once, the impact's been devastating.
This couple come to understand that stress has kept them from exercising and taking care of themselves. "If we were feeling healthier, we'd have more energy and feel more attractive, which would aid our sex life considerably," says Mike. Maria agrees. But with nearly all their energy going to their jobs and their daughter, there's been no time for recreation.
"We've made a lot of plans," says Maria, "but we don't follow through."
It's unusual to see so much respect and acceptance between partners who are dealing with a frustrating situation. They have a terrific friendship. Still, there's little emotion between them. They're tired -- not a great state of mind for generating creative solutions for deeper intimacy.
Some important tips for them:
- Schedule weekly two-hour "dates" away from their daughter, so they can talk one-on-one;
- Schedule quarterly romantic getaways, leaving their daughter with a relative or baby-sitter;
- Get on a healthy food plan;
- Start exercising regularly;
- Get medical advice about snoring so they sleep better;
- Take a vacation alone together.
Renewed Passions
A year later, Mike and Maria have answered the wake-up call in their marriage. First, they spend more time just relaxing together. In fact, when an opportunity came up to buy a small beach cabin near their home, they jumped at it. Now they're getting away to their computer-free, cell-phone-free hideaway at least once a month."I had to realize that I have one of those jobs that's never done, and my family is more important," says Maria. Mike had to make some changes in his job too. Now a manager covers the restaurant on the weekends Mike leaves town. Usually, the couple takes two-year-old Tess along, but sometimes she stays with Maria's mom, giving Mike and Maria more time for talk and romance.
They've also been finding more time to exercise regularly. Mike goes to the gym mid-morning after taking Tess to day care. He takes long walks on weekends at the beach. Maria's also doing a lot more physical activities with her daughter -- like dancing along to a "run, hop and march" video. When Maria walks on the beach, Tess often accompanies her in a backpack.
The result? Mike has lost 90 pounds and Maria's lost 70.
The couple also make a conscious effort to share their feelings about life events, both past and present. They're also showing more appreciation, affection and trust. "We're definitely having more fun and less drudgery," says Mike.
And the romance? "It's returning," he reports.
Mike and Maria had all the love they needed; it never went away. They just had to be reminded to return to what worked -- communicating their feelings with each other and showing their support, understanding and love.
Two Truths About Happy Marriages
- Happily married couples behave like good friends. Their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy, and they pay close attention to what's happening in each other's lives. Studies of couples discussing conflict demonstrate this well. Spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one positive remark (0.8, to be exact) for every single negative remark.
- Happily married couples handle conflicts in gentle, positive ways. They recognize that some conflict is inevitable, but they don't get gridlocked in separate positions. Instead, they keep talking to each other. They listen respectfully to each other and find compromises that work for both of them.