From Bare Legs and Laundry
Celebrate the ups and downs of marriage with our collection of sassy and sentimental quotes.My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
-- H. L. Mencken
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.
-- Shirley MacLaine
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
-- Peter De Vries
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A happy marriage is the world's best bargain.
-- O. A. Battista
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very expensive.
-- Johnny Carson
There is more to marriage than four bare legs under a blanket.
-- Robertson Davies
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
-- Honoré de Balzac
It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway.
-- Norman Mailer
What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.
-- Tom Clancy
Intimacy is what makes a marriage, not a ceremony, not a piece of paper from the state.
-- Kathleen Norris
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney
Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.
-- Burt Reynolds
The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.
-- Carolyn Heilbrun
Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.
-- Barbara De Angelis
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
-- Mignon McLaughlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
-- George Carlin
Braggarts and Batteries
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.-- Robert Anderson
I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more.
-- Candice Bergen
Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love.
-- Jackie Gleason
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have his and her own bathroom. The end.
-- Catherine Zeta-Jones
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
-- Sydney J. Harris
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Honoré de Balzac
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck
If men knew how women pass time when they're alone, they'd never marry.
-- O. Henry
It seemed to me that the desire to get married -- which, I regret to say, I believe is basic and primal in women -- is followed almost immediately by an equally basic an primal urge -- which is to be single again.
-- Nora Ephron
I married beneath me, all women do.
-- Nancy Astor
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
-- Muhammad Ali
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
-- Red Skelton
Half a loafer is better than no husband at all.
-- Louis Safian
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie
Husbands are like fires -- they go out when unattended.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Philosophy and House Calls
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.-- Lewis Grizzard
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
-- Woody Allen
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting 50 percent of publicity.
-- Lauren Bacall
Don't forget about Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
-- Jay Leno
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
One has to be able to count only so that at 50 one doesn't marry a girl of 20.
-- Maxim Gorky
I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.
-- Richard Pryor
A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
-- Dave Meurer
Nobody wants to be married to a doctor who works weekends and makes house calls at 2 a.m. But every patient would like to find one.
-- Ellen Goodman