Beloved Ghost Haunts a Marriage

Do you feel left out or locked in loss? Our advice columnist addresses your concerns.

Left Out

Questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@rd.com Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I'm one of six assistants in a dental office. But I'm the newbie -- there just four months. I've tried to blend in and join conversations without intruding, but the old gang ignores me. They go shopping together and out in the evenings. No one invites me. I think I'm a pleasant enough person. How can I break into the charmed circle?
-- Lonely

Dear Lonely,
Humans run in packs like dogs. When a new dog enters the pack, a lot of sniffing out goes on. So bring cookies for everyone! Then try making friends with one co-worker. Invite her to lunch. If you hit it off, tell her how hard you're finding the situation at work. Chances are, she'll take you under her wing, er, paw.

Question
I love my parents, but they sometimes tell raunchy jokes and take the Lord's name in vain. I've become more religious over time and don't like that kind of language around my children. I don't want to be disrespectful or embarrass them, but how can I get them to hold their tongues?
-- Red Ears

Dear Red,
It's not disrespectful to assert your responsibility as a parent. But get your folks on your side. Say you want the kids to have good manners and proper speech. Tell them honestly what you believe. They're your kids -- you set the rules.

Question
I'm the stepmother of two kids. The oldest, age 11, has a habit of lying. When we married, her father and I agreed he would take charge of punishment. The problem is, he doesn't. All he does is tell her he's disappointed in her -- there are never any consequences. And she continues to lie and deceive. She's basically a good kid, but what can I do to make sure she doesn't turn out to be a good liar?
-- A Wicked Stepmother?

Dear Unwicked,
You have to amend that agreement with your husband. Punishment comes at the end of the line. Setting limits, creating expectations and teaching good conduct come first. You and your husband must play roles in that process. You're not just dating this guy, you're his wife and her stepmother. That means real mothering. Tell your stepdaughter trust is the foundation of a family. Lying is unacceptable. Sit down as a family and agree on rules for behavior -- and punishment -- if she lies again. Do this because you love her and him.

Locked in Loss

Question
I have always been meticulous about my appearance. Lately, however, when I'm anxious, I pick my nails and cuticles. I've tried to stop but can't. Is this normal? How can I break the habit?
-- Nervous

Dear Nervous,
Stress is normal, and this tic is a fairly common response to stress. It takes 21 days to break a habit, so if you can keep hands off your fingers for just three weeks, you can get out of the groove. Try gloves. Use your fingers in other ways. Calligraphy or knitting not only keep your hands busy, some experts think they activate another part of your brain and take your mind off your troubles.

Question
When my wife isn't at work, she's asleep. I get home at 7 p.m. -- Snoresville. Weekends she has to "catch up from a hectic week." Heck is right. We never go out, never have anyone over. It's beginning to affect me and my work. I'm supposed to entertain. How can I get her to wake up and smell the coffee?
-- Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed

Dear Bushy,
First, take her seriously, and take her to the doctor. Such exhaustion could be a sign of chronic fatigue syndrome -- or depression. If everything checks out okay, maybe you're both in a rut. Then perhaps you need to wake up and make the coffee. Surprise her. Give her a relaxing day on her own at a spa. That may energize her for entertaining.

Question of the Month
My husband says he loves me, but keeps photos of his ex-wife in his wallet and old love letters in his dresser drawer. He gets sad on their anniversary but forgets ours. He's kind to me on a daily basis, but I feel second best. How can I win his heart?
-- Insecure

Dear Insecure,
Your husband is locked in loss and holding on to the past -- and that is making the present sad for him and you. You both might profit from marriage counseling, but start by telling him you want the future to be brighter, and you want to be the one to build it with him. No house has room for two wives.