From Virtues and Vices
Nobody likes a perpetual grump. But a finely crafted, cleverly phrased insult has its own special kind of beauty. A friendly warning, however: Don't try this at home.
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.-- Dorothy Parker on Katharine Hepburn
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
-- Peter Ustinov
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-- Woody Allen
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain
I heard his library burned down and both books were destroyed -- and one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
-- Robertson Davies
He has all the characteristics of a dog --- except loyalty.
-- Sam Houston
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-- Winston Churchill
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams
Come Again -- When You Have Less Time
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?-- Fred Allen
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman
She is the original good time that was had by all.
-- Bette Davis
It is guaranteed to put all teeth on edge, including George Washington's, wherever they might be.
-- Vincent Canby
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
-- W. S. Gilbert
You must come again when you have less time.
-- Walter Sickert
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.
-- Bob Newhart
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
Who picks your clothes -- Stevie Wonder?
-- Don Rickles
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill