From 6 Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse
Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard, painful work; both of you must be committed to repairing the damage, rebuilding trust, and reconnecting. On the agenda: The unfaithful spouse must be willing to stop the affair, provide all details honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove his or her trustworthiness. The betrayed spouse must take the job of healing seriously -- by not minimizing or trying to speed up the process and, at times, by setting aside overwhelming anger and despair in order to learn more about what's happened. Stopping secrecy and building a more honest union are the keys.If you make a commitment to follow these strategies with your whole heart, your marriage has a good chance of surviving the affair -- and emerging stronger on the other side.
1. Promise to stop the affair -- and to stop seeing your lover -- immediately. Agree to sever all contact. This lifts secrecy and creates a sense of safety for the betrayed spouse. Stopping an affair goes beyond no dinner dates or sex. All phone calls, in-person conversations, and quick coffee breaks together must stop. If you work with the person with whom you had an affair, keep your encounters strictly businesslike -- and tell your spouse everything that happens. Avoid private lunch dates and closed-door meetings. It's also important to report any chance meetings with your former lover to your spouse before he or she asks about it. Talk about your conversation. If your former lover contacts you, announce that too.
2. Answer any and all questions.More and more marriage experts agree that couples heal better after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or her betrayed partner. In one study of 1,083 betrayed husbands and wives, those whose spouses were the most honest felt better emotionally and reconciled more completely, reports affairs expert Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, who developed the international Beyond Affairs Network. "I've talked with plenty of people who say with pride that they never talked about the affair," she says. "That's not healing. You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover. My own husband had 12 affairs over seven years. I'm convinced the main reason I recovered was his willingness to answer all of my questions." It's counterintuitive -- many spouses (and therapists) think that going over the details will only further upset the aggrieved partner. Truth is, willingness to talk rebuilds trust. The key? Not holding back -- no more secrets. If you leave out details that emerge later, your spouse may feel newly betrayed.
3. Show your spouse empathy, no matter what. The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows when the betrayed spouse gets emotional about the pain caused by the affair, according to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, Ph.D.
4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. You can't speed up your spouse's healing process, and you shouldn't ever negate its significance. Be ready to answer questions at any time, even months or years after the affair has ended. And listen to his or her reactions without anger or blame.
5. Take responsibility. Blaming your partner for the affair won't heal your marriage. Showing sincere regret and remorse will. Apologize often and vow to never commit adultery again. It may seem obvious to you that you'll never stray again, but your spouse may have worries, so renew your commitment to your spouse as your one-and-only.
6. Don't expect quick or easy forgiveness. Your partner may be in deep pain or shock. Expect tears, rage, and anger.
9 Steps for the Betrayed Spouse
You want to scream and rail at your partner. You want all the details about the affair. Above all, you want the secrecy to stop. These strategies can help you find what you need to heal, to repair your marriage, and to move forward with your life.1. Ask lots of questions. At first, you may want all the factual details: How often did you meet? When did you cross the line from friends to lovers? What sexual acts did you share? How many times? Where? How much money did you spend on him or her? Who else knows about your affair? Later, your questions may shift as you think about your partner's emotions, about the reasons he or she was pushed and pulled into the affair, about whether the affair has turned a spotlight on a hidden weakness in your own marriage.
2. Balance your rage with your need for information. You want to scream, cry, and lash out -- but big emotions may prevent your spouse from making the full disclosure that leads to recovery. To get the truth (and form a tighter connection with your spouse), be compassionate about your partner's emotions. "When you get all the facts, you're not obsessed anymore," Vaughan says. "The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who've had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they're worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions." If one of you becomes upset, it's time to stop the discussion for now.
3. Set a time limit on affair talk. Restrict yourselves to 15 to 30 minutes. Don't let the affair take over your lives. Do ask questions as they arise instead of building up resentment and long lists of questions. "Don't let your worries go underground. Keep talking," Vaughan says.
4. Expect curveballs. The spouse who had the affair may become angry or even accuse you of betraying him or her. Keep the focus on the affair itself.
5. Talk about how the affair has affected you. Discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger, and sadness. As your partner builds a wall between him- or herself and the former lover, help open a window of intimacy between the two of you. Don't hold back.
6. Don't forgive quickly or easily.You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust.
7. Find support. Reconnecting with family and friends, and even finding a support group to join, can help you feel less isolated.
8. Spend time together without talking about the affair. Connect as friends and romantic partners by doing the things you've always enjoyed.
9. Forgive only when you're ready. You'll never forget an affair, but the painful memories will fade with time. Forgiveness allows you to move past the pain and rage and to reconcile with your partner. Take this important step only when you feel ready to let go of your negative feelings, when your partner has been completely honest and has taken steps to rebuild your trust.
I just found out a little over a month ago that my husband was having an affair. It wasn't his first. He had one in 2004 - We went to counseling, he was quick to cut it off, I forgave him, we renewed our vows - basically everything on this list. This time, he refused to cut it off, blamed me for everything, and took no responsiblity. Just in the last couple of days, he's decided that he wants to work on our marriage. I honestly don't know how I can stay married to him after a SECOND affair!
I am 6 months down the road from discovery of a year long affair my husband was having with a woman out of state. Mostly a phone thing but still hands down the most pain I have ever felt in my life. The pain and crazy emotions will become less for those of you that are hurting so bad right now..I promise! Your marriage can be saved if you BOTH are committed to working hard to repair the damage--hard work but it's been worth it. Out of the ashes something beautiful always grows..you'll see :)
My wife is returning to Australia from a one-month visit to Canada. I found out last night she had an affair with an ex-boyfriend who now lives in Montreal... I am picking her up at the airport in a few hours and am at a loss on what to do.Yes things have not been rosy lately, most of that exacerbated by her depression which leads to alcohol abuse. But I do love this woman immensely. We have no kids and have been together for 10 years.
I found out 1 month ago my husband was seeing someone at work, she worked under him, through the cell phone bill. We have been married 12 years and I never thought he was the type to do this. We have been working to repair the damage done. It just hurts so much because she is there every day with him and although he has sworn he doesn't talk to her on a personal level anymore and he avoids her at all costs it still hurts. I know I need time
I wish that I could apply this article to my life! My husband of 22 years is currently involved in a 2 year ongoing affair with a coworker. Even though I have the proof and have confronted him, he continues to deny everything - and the affair continues. I am still with him, for a multitude of very complicated reasons - and yes, I still love him. But I can't take much more.
My 37 year old husband had an affair with a 19 year old girl that he works with. I first noticed something wasn't quite right when became very distant from me and our two boys. He blamed it on stress and work. Then I found a barrette in his car, he explained it away and I chose to believe him. Then one night, I caught him talking to her on the phone. I told him to leave. He came back after 10 days. We are working it, dating and putting each other first. But, Im so hurt and I'll never trust him
My husband an affair with an (ex)friend of mine about 4 years ago. He never went through the remorse/regret stage. He just swept it under the rug and expected me to do the same. My healing as never fully taken place. We have 6 and 3 year old daughters, so I do my best to make it work. Will I ever be fully healed without his commitment to the healing process?
I know for a fact that he has let go of this affair but through access he gave me to his email I found out that this girl will not leave him alone. Stating that she is going to go to his work if he doesn't get back to her. He asked me what I want him to do, but I don't know. He has already told her it is over, but she just doesn't get the picture.
Ladies, Why do we think we are crazy, what did we do or not do? When it's our husbands who disrespected us & the vows we exchged, never thinking twice about what this would do to us! Of course they think they wont get caught! Stupid! To screg47, & anyone else, I have found that in result of this I have PTSD- as it was so extreme, find a therpist, talk about it all, then bring him into it and let him hear about fears, pain, distrust. Keep a journal if not already, that helps. On facebook
Ana, My heart aches for you as I read your post- I too found my husband w/ another, which lasted with all it's BS almost 9 mos. That was almost 2 years ago, He did return home, sorry & begging, working thru all issues slowly.But it still hurts as if it were yesterday. I have nightmares flashbacks, panic attacks & Ive come face to face. You need to talk to someone alone & w/ him, tell your feelings, fears, wants etc & ask his. Trust has been broken. MY ? only once? Want to talk, on facebook
I too just found out 3 days after our 9 year anniversary that my husband had an affair that lasted for several months and the other woman is now 2 months pregnant with his child. We have 2 children, the youngest of which is only 1 1/2 years old. We were discussing having a third child. I am devestated. One minute I feel like I can forgive him and work through this and in the next minute I am filled with rage and images of the two of them together. My body aches with pain.
I too just found out 30 days ago that my husband has been having an affair and though it only lasted 9 months and thankfully they only were together sexually one time, I cannot believe the pain. I cry all the time, I hurt so bad. We are staying together and working through it, but will the pain ever go away? I just want to stop hurting!!
To wounded heart, you have my deepest symapthy.If it helps to know that you have company in pain I'm here for you. Just found out that after 30 years married to "always do the right thing" "Mr. Integrity" he has been having an affair. It hurts beyond words, and I too don't know how or why I still love him. We've been together since we were 17. My prayers are with you as you work through your bad times.
I would also like to thank you for this post. I just found out that the man that I Love and have been married to for twenty six years had an affair on me for six years. It hurt so bad to learn about the affair. I am still with my husband and I don't understand why other than I love him but is that enough. I have so many emotions going on I cry alot and I hurt so bad. I just needed to tell someone how I feel. Can anyone help me?
Thank You for posting this information. I was really starting to think I was crazy. Everything you have written is exactly how I feel. I now know that I am not feeling this way without just cause. Thank You again.