Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report

Couples reveal the essential aspects of sturdy marriages.

Alive and Well

Inside the American marriage, love, honor, and laughter are still alive.

That's welcome news in an era of broken promises, a divorce rate hovering just below 50 percent, and dire predictions about the "death of marriage" as more and more couples live together and postpone the walk down the aisle -- or never take it at all.

When Reader's Digest asked married women and men across the nation in-depth questions about their attitudes and beliefs about marriage, the results were heartwarming and surprising. In this comprehensive survey, a total of 1,001 respondents said that deep down, they value trust, forgiveness, and good communication much more than whether the housework is fairly divided. Partners told us that fun, laughter, and spending time together are four to five times more important than sex. That they'd marry their spouse all over again. And that divorce isn't the answer.

The survey -- a candid look at the American marriage, from the inside out -- was conducted via the Internet with U.S. adults of all ages, geographic locations, and economic levels. Answers were anonymous; however, participants were asked to elaborate on our questions with written comments, and many were quite forthcoming.

The survey results reveal that in private, we're so proud and pleased with our mates that we've grown a bit smug: A majority of participants said their marriages are better than their parents', their friends', and the typical American marriage. And we feel both lucky and grateful: Most said their relationships are better than their own vision of the way marriage should be. "There are so many [cherished moments]," one husband said. "I cannot say that any one is more outstanding than any other."

But we're not without contradictions. Americans ranked sex very low on a list of must-have ingredients for a happy marriage. And we admitted that we make love less often now than we did in the passionate, early days of our relationships. Happily, we also think the quality of our lovemaking is better -- a testament to emotional closeness as much as improved technique. But the reality's not so simple. While some husbands and wives are perfectly happy with less sex, others are longing for more kisses, hugs, and physical intimacy. And while we gave sharing the housework a low rating on that same list, women are still shouldering more domestic responsibilities than men despite the fact that most are also working outside the home.

Over and over again, husbands and wives say their marriages are forever -- and they're ready to roll up their sleeves and work on their relationship:

• 85 percent say, "Marriage is a partnership."
• 79 percent say, "I intend to stay married for the rest of my life."
• 75 percent say, "I believe that to have a good marriage you have to constantly work at it."
• 56 percent say, "Divorce is not the answer."

This high level of dedication gives American couples the drive to make their relationships happier, more harmonious, and better able to last through the tough times, says psychologist and marriage expert Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. "People who are dedicated are less likely to feel trapped and more likely to be optimistic about their future together," he says. They're also less likely to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and to fantasize about dating or marrying someone else.

In one of the most encouraging findings from the survey, partners said that they intend to work hard to stay married -- despite the odds. "Marriage is what you make it -- you always have to keep working at your relationship; otherwise, it will slide," one husband said. "Marriage is a business, and both people need to work at it to make it run," said another. Self-sacrifice and an open mind help too, said this man: "We both willingly give up our wants for our needs and for the other's benefit. We have always bolstered each other and tried to keep our criticisms in kindness, never bringing each other down intentionally and always willing to forgive and forget quickly and go forward with new enlightenment."

We hope the findings of this important survey will enlighten you and encourage you as you work toward a more satisfying, durable marriage.

Finding No. 1: Marriage Isn't Broken!

The Statistics
Percentage of survey respondents who agreed with the following statements:

• I would marry my spouse all over again 71%
• I love my spouse even more than when we were first married 62%

Percentage of respondents who say their marriages are better than:

• The typical American marriage 58%
• How they envisioned marriage should be 54%
• Their parents' marriage 53%

Respondents were given a list of 18 adjectives and told to pick three that best describe their marriages. These four were chosen most often:

• Loving 41%
• Secure 33%
• Trusting 30%
• Blessed 29%

These four were chosen least often:

• Disconnected 6%
• In crisis 4%
• Cold 4%
• Volatile 2%

Is matrimony on the rocks? TV, newspapers, and magazines would have you believe it is. Experts weigh in daily on its grim decline. Some warn that the U.S. is going the way of Scandinavia, where fewer and fewer couples get married at all. Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers are doing a booming business. Talk shows are packed with tearful couples on the brink of messy breakups.

But real couples in committed relationships clued us in to a far happier reality. Over and over, husbands and wives said they'd marry their mates all over again. And a few did -- either by renewing their vows or remarrying the same spouse after a divorce. "Loving" and "secure" were their top descriptions of their relationships, while "cold" and "distant" were rarely chosen. "My husband is my best friend, my soul mate," one woman told Reader's Digest. "We both believe that we were lucky to have found the perfect mate and will be married for eternity."

Whether they'd just celebrated their first wedding anniversary or had been married more than 40 years, husbands and wives alike said they were more in love with their mates today than when they walked down the aisle. "I was one of the few people that ever got to find their real 'bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh' soul mate," one husband proudly reported. "We have never had a raised-voice argument in all our years together. I have never cheated and never will." Added another happy husband: "In this wonderful marriage, there are no regrets. I'm sure she agrees with my statement." A third was succinct: "It is all good. Every day is great."

How great? Couples surprised us by rating their own marriages higher than the marriages of their parents and their friends and higher than the typical American marriage. They even said their relationships are better than they envisioned they would be. "Just better than I ever expected," is the way one wife described her marriage. "My husband is my very best friend in the whole world, and I would be lost without him," said another woman. "I am very lucky to be married to my husband. He takes good care of me, financially and otherwise. He does have some faults, as do I, but we get along well -- and he cooks for me almost every night."

And here's the icing on the cake: They also said that in most important areas, their marriages had improved with time. More than 50 percent said trust, forgiveness, and problem-solving were better than ever; over 40 percent said compatibility, verbal affection (those little "I love yous"), time together having fun, and the sharing of household duties had improved.

Couples told us about an enduring, private happiness at the heart of everyday marriage. "Every woman should meet and marry someone like my husband," a wife said. "He is my lifetime companion," said another. Added a besotted husband, "I can't believe how lucky I am to have the woman of my dreams. I cherish every moment of every day that I'm with her."

More than chemistry or sex or romance, partners said dedication and daily good deeds made the difference in their marriages. "My husband is very supportive of me," one wife said. "Since I have gone back to college, he calls me his 'hardworking student' and will take over my household responsibilities when I have a lot of homework to do. It is so precious to me that he respects whatever I attempt to do." Added another, "My spouse stuck by me and supported me through a very trying time with my mother. It made me realize that love can carry us through some bad moments."

The little things matter. One husband's most cherished moment happens quietly, near daybreak. "Waking up each day and seeing this beautiful person lying next to me," he said. One wife's moment comes after work. "Anytime I've had a stressful day or just feel depressed, my husband will listen to me while sitting on the couch rubbing my feet. He thinks that it's funny that it makes me fall asleep within less than 15 minutes," she said.

Could this avalanche of bliss be for real? "The truth is, we're optimists," says marriage researcher Blaine J. Fowers, Ph.D., head of the department of educational and psychological studies at the University of Miami and author of Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of Loyalty, Generosity, Justice, and Courage Can Strengthen Your Relationship. "In a sense, the numbers don't make sense, given what we know about how people complain and put up with mediocrity in their lives and often get divorced. But there's more to the picture. Most people put a positive spin on reality -- including their marriage. This makes good things happen. When you see your spouse in a positive light, she or he is more likely to respond positively to you. It sets up a good cycle."

Digging deeper, Dr. Fowers says survey participants are talking about loyalty, gratitude, and friendship -- marriage-sustaining qualities that experts are only beginning to appreciate. "When you look for your partner's virtues, you begin seeing and feeling them everywhere, every day, in your relationship. This adds depth and resonance and meaning to your marriage," he says. "And it's a skill anyone can learn." While relationship researchers have been looking at communication skills, pleasure, and sexual intimacy as keys to a good relationship, Dr. Fowers says they've overlooked this bedrock sense of regard. "Part of loyalty is simply marching through life, arm in arm. It's having worthwhile things in your life that you value together. And it's going through hardships together. When you have that, you have a deep understanding. And when you cherish your partner for these reasons, it doesn't matter whether you say exactly the right words to each other. You have a deep connection."

Better yet, you can practice these qualities and improve your marriage. "Spouses who characteristically act generously, loyally, fairly, courageously, and with goodwill create good marriages," he says. "These acts of character happen every day in small as well as large ways. You can choose to do this, and love can flourish."

Finding No. 2: It's Really About Trust

The Statistics
Survey respondents were given a list of traits and asked to pick which were most important to their marriages. These five were rated highest.

• Trust 63%
• Time spent talking, laughing, having fun 52%
• Compatibility 30%
• Ability to resolve differences effectively 30%
• Forgiveness 27%

Respondents were also asked to rate from 1 to 10 how happy they were with important elements of marriage. Given are the percentages of people who rated the element either 9 or 10.

• Trust 66%
• Freedom of personal/career growth 60%
• Compatibility 58%
• Ability to forgive 58%
• Verbal affection 51%

"We always have people that are envious of our marriage," a blissfully wed woman told Reader's Digest. "They don't understand that most of it is trust and respect. We are like one."

More than friendship or laughter, forgiveness or compatibility, spouses name trust as the element crucial for a happy marriage. Survey-takers ranked this old-fashioned virtue as five times more important than good-quality sex -- and most said the level of trust had improved in the years since they first became husband and wife.

In today's stressed-out marriages, where we need more from each other than ever before yet have less time in which to give it, trust is no longer a given. "Trust may be even more important than love itself," says Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., a professor of counseling at West Texas A&M University and author of The Essential Humility of Marriage. "We write songs and poetry about love, but too often we ignore this other important pillar of marriage. I'm glad to see it was named and counted as important."

Trust is all about fairness and balance -- it's both partners doing their share of the work in a relationship. It's something that each partner is always aware of, on some level. And like money in the bank, trust is an important relationship resource that can be used well or squandered. "Done right, it takes on a magical quality: If you trust your spouse, you can give freely and happily. But when there's a lack of trust, spouses withdraw or manipulate or threaten," Dr. Hargrave says. "A lack of trust can destroy love. But a lack of love can't destroy trust -- in old-fashioned arranged marriages, those with a high level of trust could actually generate love even if a husband and wife barely knew each other at the start."

Dr. Hargrave points to a crisis of trust underlying the nation's high divorce rate. Sometimes the breach of trust is huge: infidelity, alcoholism, drug abuse. But more often, we fail each other in smaller, everyday ways that erode trust slowly but surely. "A working marital relationship is built on trust," he says. "Its success is based on how you answer the underlying questions: Can we give equally to each other? Can we accomplish the work of marriage -- nurturing children, becoming financially secure? Can I treat you in a respectful way? Can we do what we need to do in our community? In families where both spouses work, the acts that build trust are different than they are in traditional families. A wife is going out to work, so a husband needs to take up more domestic responsibilities. If this doesn't happen, you have trust problems -- and ultimately, frustrated and overworked wives who may decide that they're better off divorced."

Sometimes the act of getting married switches on a spouse's "responsibility gene," as one survey participant found: "The day we married, he changed from someone who I could never trust to someone I trust completely." For others, trust was part of the marriage pact itself, as one woman told us. "We promised to talk, to trust each other, not go to bed angry, to listen to our children, not to be judgmental, and if we disagree with each other, never to express that in front of our children, family, or friends," she said.

The good news: While you cannot conjure love from thin air, you can bolster the sense of trust in your marriage today. "Doing your share, not letting your spouse down can go far toward repairing relationships and building love," Dr. Hargrave says. "The fact that people are naming trust as a vital element in marriage is an encouraging sign. It cannot be taken for granted."

Finding No. 3: Laughter Is More Important Than Sex!

The Statistics
When wives and husbands chose the factors most important for a good marriage, the items that rose to the top -- and sank to the bottom -- of the list surprised us.

• Time spent talking, laughing, having fun 52%
• Compatibility 30%
• Quality of sex 13%
• Frequency of sex 9%

Next is the percentage of respondents who agreed with the following statements regarding how they spend their time.

• My partner and I share many interests and hobbies 47%
• My spouse and I do not spend a lot of time together 22%
• I spend a lot of time with my own friends 9%

Want to be happy? Set aside the official list of things every marriage needs -- such as sex as incandescent as Fourth of July fireworks, a diplomat's savvy for resolving conflicts, and endless reserves of saintly patience. Instead, go out for ice cream together. Now.

Don't stop to change your clothes, wash the dishes, or figure out who forgot to pay the cable bill. Just go. Laugh. Chat. Be. And don't come home for at least an hour.

You just made an investment in your relationship. "The most important thing in a marriage," one woman confided, "is being able to laugh together and just plain have fun." A contented husband agreed, describing his most cherished moment with his spouse as "the two hours we spent relaxing and talking while eating an early morning breakfast (3 a.m.) in a small town miles from home."

Partners in our survey surprised us when they ranked "time spent talking, laughing, having fun" as one of the most important elements in their marriages -- ahead of forgiveness, problem-solving, and housework and far ahead of frequent or high-quality sex. Only trust earned a higher rating. Frivolous? Not at all, says psychologist Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love. "Spending time together connecting as friends is at the heart of a marriage," he says. "Our research clearly indicates that having a sense of safety and connection with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is vital -- and spending time together, building a friendship, accomplishes that. And it doesn't have to be sky-diving or a two-week vacation. Any time when you can be focused on each other, talking as friends and having fun -- and not dealing with conflict or the kids or the routine issues of everyday life -- will do that."

Indeed, survey respondents regaled us with stories of marriage moments that were special simply because they happened outside of the worries and cares of everyday life. Some happened in all-night diners, others at luxurious and exotic resorts. "Traveling with my wife to Jamaica and enjoying the time alone with her," is how one husband described a special time with his spouse. "I feel it is important to get away with your spouse and enjoy the things together which make life worth it all. Vacationing in Jamaica was like taking a time-out. It allowed us to grow closer. It was wonderful."

For others, a special time happened in the quiet after tragedy, as this husband related: "We once drove across America together just after 9/11, and the days in the car together were wonderful as we just drove all day for three days." He also said that anything out of the ordinary was a tonic for his marriage, including "time outside of work and home when we travel and play together, golfing, hiking and attending sporting events."

One bride learned the lesson of these special time-outs in a kitchen the night before her wedding. "The day before my husband and I were married, we spent the night cooking and preparing for our reception the next day," she recalled. "We laughed and played around the whole time, and my mother-in-law was there helping. It meant a lot to see that we were in this marriage together. I play that day over a lot because it makes me smile all the time."

These couples created the ideal environment for growing a strong friendship: special time together, with a focus on fun and a ban on heavy-duty talks about relationship issues and everyday concerns. The trick? Making time for each other right now, regardless of what else is going on in your lives. That's especially challenging for couples busy raising kids, holding down jobs, and fulfilling commitments to community and religious organizations during the hectic Cooperation stage. In our survey, those couples were most likely to be unhappy with the amount of time they were spending together.

And yet, that's probably when it's most crucial to find bits of downtime to spend together. "In our seminars and retreats, we stress that you're always going to have problems and disagreements -- but you shouldn't put off fun, friendship, and romance until all your other problems are resolved, because they'll never all be settled," Dr. Markman says. "Happy couples make time to relax and focus on each other, regardless of what else is happening in their lives."

And sex? If your friendship is strong, you'll have the strong, easy emotional connection that leads comfortably to sexual intimacy. It's not that American husbands and wives don't value sex. They've just got their priorities in order. "We don't push ourselves to make fun times happen, but sometimes you have to. Fun comes easily early in marriage, but later on, you have to create it," says Dr. Markman, whose research-based retreats help couples brainstorm ways to have fun together, then "teach" them about fun by scheduling wine tastings, bicycle repair clinics, reflexology, and more. "People have a blast and help their marriage at the same time," he says.

Finding No. 4: Guys Get Gushy About Marriage Too

The Statistics
When asked to rate aspects of their marriages, men picked the following five most often:

• Level of trust with spouse 64%
• Compatibility 56%
• Ability to forgive each other 55%
• Freedom of personal/career growth 55%
• Time together talking, laughing, having fun 47%

Men most often said their wives were "better than expected" in these important areas of marriage:

• Sense of humor 47%
• Open-mindedness 39%
• Career ambition 39%
• Sense of kindness 36%
• Emotional skills 34%

Women most often said their husbands were "better than expected" in these areas:

• Sense of honor or trust 43%
• Sense of kindness 42%
• Sense of humor 39%
• Intellectual skills 38%
• Parenting skills 38%
• Money management 35%

Forget media-fueled images of monosyllabic grunters and strong, silent types. Husbands are effusive, heartfelt, and articulate in their appreciation of both their partners and their marriages. In our survey, the guys were nearly as gushy as the women -- and in some areas, gushed even more. Most said they loved their wives more now than on their wedding day -- and would do it all over again. They also had no fears about being openly tender and romantic.

Here's what a few men shared when asked to describe their most cherished marriage moments.

• "Kissing in the snow."
• "My wife's face when our two daughters were born and recently our first grandchild."
• "Snuggled up in bed on a cold winter day, warm under the covers."
• "The look of joy and happiness on her face as she came toward me at the altar."
• "The first and every time we make love."
• "I can't believe how lucky I am to have the woman of my dreams. I cherish every moment of every day that I'm with her."
• "When we first danced together. We both love to dance and enjoy the art of dance, and we connected as soon as we danced. It was as if we had expressed our affection and attraction with body language word for word."
• "The moment I realized she was the person I wanted to be with forever."

Guys told us that their wives went above and beyond expectations in some surprising areas -- including a sense of humor, open-mindedness, kindness, and having good emotional skills. Paying attention to these key touch points can give wives a road map for reaching an even happier union. Tops on the list: more respect for being funny.

"The women in the survey weren't saying 'my guy is funnier now than when I married him,' but many men said their wives were funnier -- and they liked that," notes Brown University psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever. "That tells you that humor is very important to married men. Studies suggest that a wife's sense of humor can help a husband feel more content when there's been discontent in a marriage. But the opposite isn't always true: A husband's sense of humor doesn't soothe his wife when they've had problems. Men want their wives to laugh with them and to realize that you can solve serious problems while you're laughing. Too often, women marry a man who makes them laugh, but afterward humor is seen as a sign that he's not taking things seriously."

Men also value open-mindedness in their wives -- two in five praised their wives for being better than expected in this area that embraces flexibility, tolerance, and acceptance. Dr. Haltzman links open-mindedness to a woman's ability to show respect for her mate's ideas, plans, and abilities. "What's clear to me from my own work and research is that men genuinely want to feel appreciated. What men have to offer, more than their emotional connection to their wives, is their capacity, their knowledge, their skills, their desire to fix things and improve things. When that is ignored, it's kind of like 'What am I here for?'"

They also deeply appreciated their wives' emotional skills. "Men realize that they rely on women to take the lead when it comes to emotions," Dr. Haltzman notes. "Many men have told me they really respect that their wives have a better sense of emotional intelligence. Women process emotions more quickly, have a more sophisticated level of emotional awareness, and can interpret facial expressions with greater ease. Any husband worth his salt will try to learn from his wife's emotional skills."

Finding No. 5: Challenges Make Us Stronger

The Statistics
Ninety-four percent of husbands and wives said they had experienced challenges in their marriages. The outcome was sometimes negative, but surprisingly there were instances when it was positive. Here's how a variety of challenges affected their marriages.

Crisis		Percentage Who Experienced It		Positive		Negative
Death of a parent		50%		37%		34%
Job loss		47%		31%		54%
Depression		42%		25%		63%
Parent's illness		28%		36%		38%
Major illness		27%		58%		29%
Becoming obese		25%		20%		50%
Caregiving for parent		25%		42%		32%
Addiction		20%		26%		65%
Major weight loss		15%		61%		13%
Personal bankruptcy		15%		46%		34%
Infidelity		13%		20%		67%

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