From Question
I always read stuff about how awful and uncommunicative men are. Well, how about all those women who won't shut up? I work in an office. The men come in, sit down at their desks and go to work. The women go to the water cooler and yak. Morning, lunch and every break. Then they're on the phone with their families and friends for hours. What do you have to say about that? Lots, I bet.
-- Silent Type
Dear Silent,
Personally, I like the strong, silent type of man -- but I definitely enjoy the communicative ones like you! As for those yaks at the water hole, if they get their work done and aren't gossiping about you, what's your beef?
Question
My sister, an alcoholic, wasn't taking good care of my mother, who's 87. We brought Mom to live with us. Now she doesn't remember how my sister took advantage of her and her money. I want Mom's remaining years to be happy, but she's worried about my sister and talks about moving back to be with her, and accuses me of being jealous. How can I tell her no without running down my sister?
-- Good Girl
Dear Good,
If your mother can make reasoned decisions, she's entitled to do what she wants, whether you agree or not. If she can't, you can hire an attorney to have your mother declared incompetent and you appointed her guardian. But that's a drastic step that could irreparably damage relationships. My advice is to proceed with caution and engage your family clergy and a doctor to guide you over this rough terrain.
Question
I worked 30 years in a job where I was required to wear a uniform. Now that I'm retired, I like to dress up and keep in style. I enjoy looking nice when I go to lunch with the girls. But it hurts me when some of them say I'm showing off. How can I respond without being rude?
-- Classy
Dear Classy
Enjoy your new wardrobe, girlfriend! You should be celebrated, not scorned. A true pal would be applauding. Sounds to me like a few of these so-called friends should go the way of the uniform: in the hamper.
Question of the Month
QuestionI've been noticing obituaries asking for contributions to "education funds" for the deceased's kids or grandkids in lieu of flowers. I know college is expensive, but donations used to be given to churches or charities. Seems to me like trying to profit from death. Agree?
-- Confused
Dear Confused,
I can see why you feel it hits the wrong note: "Help me pay for college." But the aftermath of loss is so difficult and confusing that I'm always willing to suspend judgment about any lack of grace displayed by people, especially if the death is of a young parent and there is financial hardship.
Question
Why do men cheat? My husband is a good provider, but he has flings, four I know of. I hate him for a while, then begin to trust him again. We've been married for years. I can't start over, but I'm having panic attacks about his latest affair. Should I forgive him?
-- Love's Fool
Dear Fool,
Maybe you're foolish, but you at least want what you can't have. This man has proved that his philandering will not stop. Forgiveness may be good for the soul, but what you've been getting is what you'll get. If you can find a way to live with that fact, and if you enjoy being married to him despite his "flings," save yourself the bother of trusting his promises and then being disillusioned by his transgressions. If you can't tolerate them, see a lawyer.
Question of the Month
I'm a high school senior and have never known my real father. Now I want to meet him. My mother won't give me any information and disapproves of my trying to find him. All I know is his first and last name. I've tried online searches, but they turned up zero. How can I find him?
-- Looking
Dear Looking,
There are Web services that can help you find someone, but first talk to your mother in depth. Tell her why it's so important for you to meet your father, and ask why she's so opposed. Perhaps she's trying to protect you from something, even worried about your safety. Maybe she just holds a grudge. Whatever her story, that much of the history belongs to you. Only after learning it should you risk embarking on this journey.