How to Deal With a Controlling Spouse

Sometimes love doesn't seem like enough. Our advice columnist tells you what to do then.

Laskas Answers

Questions about pets, parents, partners or office politics? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at advice@rd.com. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

Question
I used to have a ton of friends—then I got married. My wife can't stand any of my buddies. I've tried to adjust and only hang with our married friends, but I don't get invites to my pals' parties, backyard barbecues or nights out anymore. I love my wife, but I feel horrible not having my old friends around. What can I do?
-- Friendless in My Own Hometown

Dear Friendless,
Not to put too fine a point on it, but your wife is treating you like a dog that only she is allowed to walk. I'm guessing she loves you deeply and wants to keep you close. But she is limiting you in ways that are bad for you and ultimately bad for your marriage. Ask her to lengthen the leash, lest you start seeing her as a restraint to happiness rather than the source of it.

Question
I'm the youngest of three and have always taken care of my parents. Mom is now a widow. I live nearby and am saddled with daily calls, bills, doctors' appointments, everything. Did I mention I have a husband and three kids, go to school and work part-time? My brother retired to Florida. My sister doesn't work but says if my brother won't help, she won't either. How can I get my siblings to pitch in?
-- Tired

Dear Tired,
Sounds like you're stuck being the good child, the one who knows how to love responsibly and give back. You might have to put direct help from your sibs out of your mind, but don't be afraid to ask for their help with the bills or paperwork. In the meantime, enlist the help of friends, church groups and social services to relieve your day-to-day burden.

Question
My co-worker brags all day long. Her husband spoils her with expensive gifts. Her kids get high honors in advanced-placement classes. She takes incredible vacations. She has to top everyone. I've tried to steer conversations to other topics, but she goes on and on. What can be done to shut her up?
-- Ear Full

Dear Ear,
Bragging usually masks insecurity. You can't steer or stop your colleague. The more unappreciated she feels, the more she'll boast. Just agree with her—yes, she has brilliant kids and an amazing marriage—and walk away.

I Love Him But ...

Question
I love my boyfriend, but we don't share the same values. I want kids; he doesn't. I'm religious; he's an atheist. Everyone tells me to drop him. But I know he loves me and respects my beliefs. Should I follow my heart?
-- Valentine Quandary

Dear Quandary,
How much are you willing to sacrifice for this love? Children? God? Those are biggies. Love between incompatible people is cute only in the movies. Maybe this guy would make a better friend. Leave your heart open for someone with whom you can share your values and your entire self.

Question
I'm a nursing student and the oldest of five children. My family is counting on me to succeed, but I didn't make the grade and have to repeat the semester in six months. I'm so disappointed that I let my parents down. I don't know how to tell them.
-- Failure

Dear Failure,
You aren't letting them down! Working hard to enter an honorable profession should make any loving family proud. Needing to retake classes because you learn at a different pace is not shameful, just a fact. Why don't you spend the next six months volunteering in a nursing-related function, maybe at a local hospital? Learn all you can, and go back to school with the confidence of a committed student and a future nurse.

Question of the Month
I'm an officer in a high school parent organization. One mother in the group believes the teacher favors my daughter over hers because of my position, and she's made false statements about me that sparked irate phone calls from other parents. I've worked hard for the program, but her backstabbing is really getting to me. How can I pull the knife out?
-- Wounded

Dear Wounded,
Sometimes being willing to play rough is the only way to stop a bully. At the next PTA meeting, take on this mom publicly. Cite specific false statements she's made and demand she either back up her allegations or correct them. This is as much about your daughter's reputation as it is your own, so put up your dukes.

Jeanne Marie Laskas is the author of Growing Girls (Bantam).