Normal or Nuts?

Not all quirks are cute, and some may even require professional attention. Here, the expert panel addresses this year's "Am I nuts?" queries.

By William Speed Weed

From Reader's Digest

Dear Reader,

Are you too shy? Too pushy? Do you cry too much? Do you cry too little? Do you pull your hair? Other people's hair? Are you afraid of spiders? Or water tanks? Or stuffed animals?

Yes, yes, and yes. You are, dear readers, all these things and more. As the hundreds of letters we got this year prove once again, we are a nation of nutty folk. But not to worry: To be human is to be quirky. If you think there's some group of perfect, "normal" people out there, we've got a glacier in the Arctic we'd like to sell you.

Of course, not all quirks are cute. It's often difficult to know whether a given behavior is harmless or hurtful. The line between silly and serious is vanishingly thin. And so we put your letters before a panel of trusted experts to demonstrate which are merely colorful and which may require professional attention -- to giggle where we can and to guide where we must.

>I don't like talking. I'm afraid people will think that what I say is stupid, even when there's no reason to assume that. I never talk on my cell phone in a public place, because bystanders might think I'm an idiot. Is that nuts?

"You're not at all nuts, but you seem to suffer from low self-esteem and hyper-self-consciousness. This is a form of social anxiety," says Joshua Coleman, PhD, a psychologist and author who practices in San Francisco and Oakland, California.

Three things for you to consider:

1. Chances are, you don't sound stupid most of the time. 2. Even if you do say something idiotic once in a while, so what? Everyone does. 3. Most people are so self-absorbed, they aren't paying as much attention as you think. "I'll bet your self-awareness and sensitivity to what others think make you far less stupid and more thoughtful than most other people," Coleman says, "so speak freely!"

Easier read than said, right? Coleman strongly suggests you look for a therapist; he or she may recommend antianxiety medications.

>I have to use things until they wear out before getting new ones. It took me seven years to use up 14 bottles of nail polish. I should get a new pair of sandals, but my old ones aren't completely worn-out yet, so I'll wait. My friends tell me this is not normal.

Do the old sandals damage your feet? Is there a masochistic "I am not worthy" element to your frugality? If so, you have a psychological issue that needs to be addressed.

But if you value things merely for their utility, then your example may prove something profound: You are normal, and the rest of us, in our mad materialist dash, are, well, mad. As Arthur Gish put it in Beyond the Rat Race, a classic meditation on simplicity, "We buy things we do not need to impress people we do not like."

Most of us buy and waste, waste and buy, at landfill-filling rates that are alarming, if not psychotic. Your thrift, says Nando Pelusi, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City, may take asceticism to new levels, "but, who knows," he says, "you just might be saving the planet!"

>I'm afraid to go to high places, like tall bridges or even the balcony at church. And it's not because I'm afraid I'll fall -- it's because I'm afraid I'll jump! I don't want to kill myself, but I do want to experience that sense of flying or floating. Of course, I know I'd go splat and die, so the desire to jump terrifies me. What do I do?

Why not make skydiving a goal? (You may want to start with something closer to the ground, like a diving board.) That's the advice of Mike Wymes, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in the Bay Area and a former U.S. Army paratrooper. He's not kidding. "It's a unique experience," he says. "You actually experience the flying and floating" you're seeking.

Fear of heights is very common. And lots of people are, like you, more afraid of jumping than falling. For most fears, the treatment is systematic desensitization -- gradual exposure to what you fear. Try visiting increasingly high places, taking comfort in the fact that you're safe. Bring along a friend or therapist, and go up to the third-floor balcony. Stay there until you feel in control. Then try the fifth floor, then the roof. If you do well, you may even develop enough confidence to leap out of an airplane. At least it should help you stop worrying about your impulse to jump.

>I cannot eat certain big, tricky-to-bite things in front of people unless I know them very well. Facing a huge sandwich at a business lunch is a nightmare. And a floppy wet salad on a date? Forget it. That's odd, no?

"It's not odd," says New York psychologist Pelusi. "Social concerns like this make sense," especially on a date. Studies show that women are more likely to put very little on their plate when they eat with men because they have a fear of being considered gluttonous, lazy, or unfit. Research also suggests this fear is founded: Men do consider women who overeat to be unfit. But -- and here's the catch -- men don't give it nearly as much thought as women think they do.

Psychologist Tom Gilovich, PhD, of Cornell University calls this phenomenon the spotlight effect: We spend more time thinking about what people think about us than we do thinking about other people, so we all feel much more in the spotlight than we really are. "One way to get around this is to push yourself deliberately," says Pelusi. "Order that huge sandwich, risk the social silliness, and see that nothing bad happens."

>I can't stop shopping. I have every color of glitter for my hair and eyes. I have stacks of books I've never read. I keep going to the same stores and even buy things I already have, just in case. My friends say my house looks like a store. What's wrong with me?

You say "just in case," but we have to ask, Just in case what? In what earthquake or tsunami is glitter going to help? "Many a good person has been afflicted by the disease called retail therapy, and many have become addicted," says Janice Levine, PhD, a psychologist in Lexington, Massachusetts. "It's very common when you're feeling low or needy to want to nurture yourself by buying yourself a gift." The question is whether you're controlling it or it's controlling you. In your case, it sounds like the latter. You show symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) with a particular obsession for hoarding things.

A visit to a qualified therapist could help you gain control over the obsession and perhaps even bring back the joy of shopping for things you actually need and like.

>My mom, in her late 70s, constantly rearranges her furniture -- heavy stuff like dressers and couches. I tell her she's too old, but she won't listen. Think she's nuts?

If her Martha Stewart mania constitutes a recent personality change, it could be age-related. Or she might be suffering from anxiety or OCD. But before you go all medical on her, ask yourself this: What if she's just bored?

It's not uncommon for older people to feel like there's nothing to do. Perhaps her furniture is the only creative outlet left to her. A little mother-child heart-to-heart would be the place to begin. "Sounds to me like she's getting pleasure out of this activity," says Michelle Riba, MD, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan. "If that's the case, why not help her out? It could be a nice sharing thing to do with your mother."

>Nothing fazes me emotionally for a long span of time. I can hear or see the most horrible thing and it doesn't bother me. But later it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't stop crying. Is this just a defense mechanism, or what?

"People metabolize stress in different ways," says psychologist Coleman. Some emote constantly; others, like you, keep it bottled up until it explodes. The ability to compartmentalize emotion is immensely valuable to fighter pilots, pro athletes, and other people who have to keep their cool in stressful situations, says Gene Beresin, MD, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard University. But what is a benefit in extreme jobs can be a detriment in more quotidian pursuits. You may find that your save-it-up approach hurts your relationships. Learning to face your feelings in smaller chunks would be a good skill to learn, Dr. Beresin says. A therapist can help.

>Sometimes I try to avoid stepping on cracks or spaces between tiles. It's as if I can feel the cracks through my shoes. Seriously, am I nuts?

Seriously, will stepping on a crack break your mother's back? If you believe it will, then yes, you are nuts and need professional counseling. Otherwise, recognize that we all have rituals we've performed since we were kids. Some people have to brush their teeth in a certain order. Others say "bunny, bunny" at the start of a new month. Most of us knock on wood. "Many of these compulsions are left over from childhood, and they've gotten a little stuck," says Harvard psychiatrist Jacqueline Olds, MD. It's a trivial ritual. Seriously, don't worry about it.

>I have trouble concentrating. If I'm on the phone and someone in the room is talking to me, I block them both out. Driving home, I sometimes space out and can't remember big chunks of the trip. My head's always wandering into la-la land. Is that nuts?

Hard to tell. If it's a problem you've had since childhood, you could have attention deficit disorder. If you've only recently noticed it, you could be experiencing anxiety or depression. All three conditions are treatable with talk therapy and medication, says Harvard's Dr. Beresin. Occasional spaciness is natural. Even the most intense people zone out from time to time. But you should see someone, he advises, to make sure it's not a more serious problem.

>Since childhood, I've never really been happy. No matter how hard my husband tries to help me snap out of it, I always feel sad. I don't have thoughts of suicide, but I'm just not happy with myself, my relationship, my children, my job … anything. Am I going crazy?

Occasional unhappiness is normal. But the unrelenting nature of your situation probably means you have something more severe, says Massachusetts psychologist Levine.

>I haven't had a second date in three years. If a guy doesn't call me within 24 hours of the first date, I get enraged and never want to speak to him again. When he does call, the conversation inevitably goes poorly. My friends say I'm an impatient perfectionist, but I deserve perfection and it's worth waiting for, right?

Uh, no and no. None of us is perfect, so you'll be waiting forever. But that's probably your secret plan: You're afraid of intimacy because you don't think you're worth it, so you sabotage yourself by setting up a rigid rule that gives you an easy out. You don't want a second date. Why not? Yale psychology professor Marianne LaFrance, PhD, suspects "an enormous problem with self-esteem. You're worried you're in fact a bad person" and that if someone actually got close to you, he'd see that.

Of course, you're not really a bad person, says Joseph Himmelsbach, PhD, a professor of psychology at State University of New York Upstate Medical University. And there are lots of worthy men out there, too, he says, but, alas, no perfect ones. "So give the guys a break."